Am I Stabilizing?

[[mi...]]

I’ve been in a terrible wave/setback for over 3 months, the last two of which had severe GI pain rendering me unable to eat all the foods I was able to prior. Most of this was due to brand and liquid changes which backfired while I was simultaneously making cuts. This all happening after cuts were likely catching up with me. Not sure if these changes count as kindling as I stayed in K the entire time but the changes were frequent and painful. So basically massive destabilization and every symptom in the book after a very successful and functional taper for the last year. I’m currently at .160mg K and holding for 20 days.

I feel like everything in my entire system is hyper sensitized to the max, the most distressing is my entire pelvic area, which feels like I’m having a panic attack in my stomach and intestines. I can hardly even touch my abdomen without a sickly nervy feeling with the slightest brush. I can’t put into words how weird and awful it feels. I can’t even put my seatbelt across my abdomen because it almost feels like a weird electrical jolt to my brain when I do. But my symptoms are more than just my abdomen, that is just the most distressing, but I have mild akathisia, some insomnia, itching everywhere, leg twitches, hopelessness, tons of crying, can’t handle stress, and basically just everything on the list of withdrawal symptoms when I had none of this prior to this crash.

I want to ask if some think I may be slowly stabilizing. My weight has stopped dropping after losing 27 pounds and over the last month. I have gained back 4 pounds. My libido has returned most of the time, I’ve had 3 half day windows this week and two partial windows last week after not having any for quite a while. I’ve started hugging my kids a little bit more and noise doesn’t always bother me as much as it was. I haven’t had severe SI in about two weeks although it does feel like I’m so preoccupied with not making it which I think is normal for this. I’ve had moments where all the sudden I see my old life coming back, but never 100% and then of course it goes away and I feel like it never happened. I was able to play a low-key video game on two occasions this week after not being able to turn on my Xbox for the last month. I’m able to follow TV shows a little easier. But I still have massive episodes of cramping and bloating that make me come to my knees and scream and feel like I’m right back at the beginning. I just don’t get the gut. I have normal bowel movements, I just have insane hyper sensitization down there. I have hopelessness and feelings of coming out of my skin that feel like they will never end, I still don’t leave the house or go to any of my kids events after being fully functional in their life up until three months ago when I crashed. I sit on the couch pretty much all day every day and cry, probably more than half a days, sometimes for hours. DP/DR is horrible. But I can’t tell if I’m slowly stabilizing or if this is just normal cyclical patterns that will just be my new norm. Some things are improving some are the same. I’ve been on the original brand that has works for me in the past for about seven weeks now and I have done my first hold this entire time for the last 20 days. Does it look like I’m turning a corner and should I expect things to continue as long as everything stays the same or is this just a normal patterns of back-and-forth suffering.

Edited September 16, 2023 by [mi...]

[[Br...]]

I think you're right that you may be slowly stabilizing. It looks like you're doing a good job holding at your current dose. From the symptoms you describe it sounds like you're still suffering with withdrawal symptoms that are not unusual in early withdrawal.  At the same time it looks like you're seeing good signs of healing: gaining back some of the weight you lost, several windows (!), feeling more present with your kids, less noise sensitivity, etc.  All good signs some repair is taking place. There's really no way to predict what the next few weeks or months will look like.  It varies with each individual.  

If I were in your shoes I would continue holding for a while - you still have some intense symptoms and I think your system could use more time to adjust to your current level.  But I think you're seeing a lot to be encouraged by!

 

[[be...]]

@[mi...] sounds like things are getting better, and  I am hopeful that it will continue. Stay Strong.💖Peace and Healing.

[[mi...]]

@[Br...] thanks for your reply. Can you clarify what you mean by I am experiencing withdrawal symptoms common in early withdrawal. Are you meaning symptoms people feel when they jump because I’m still on my medication so I’m confused. Are you saying that I’m presenting like I am in acute withdrawal still?

[[Br...]]

 @[mi...] I apologize - I misspoke.  I think you are right to attribute the very intense wave of symptoms to brand change and switching to liquid.   I'm very glad you're holding and that you're beginning to see glimpses of healing. Again I think you're seeing signs that you're beginning to stabilize.  Also, I do hope you'll hold a while longer to make sure your system has time to settle.   

 

[[mi...]]

@[Br...] I have had plenty of waves, and none of them ever did this to me. This feels like a massive setback all the way to the beginning but with new symptoms. Not sure if you call this a wave or a total meltdown/setback. My longest wave was maybe two weeks in the last two years and it was minimal symptoms, this has been three months, and it feels like I am in full acute. I cannot believe how insane my abdomen is. It’s like it came alive with a monster in it. One day I was eating normal, the next my cns broke and I couldn’t eat anything and I have massive bloat, pain, and cramping as well as nausea. I’ve never experienced this. The nerves in my gut feel like someone poured gasoline on them and lit them on fire. From day 2 of taking a liquid fork of k. It’s like it pushed me over the edge. Terrified this won’t ever settle down.  Can that stuff all really happen with destabilization? This is so scary. 

Edited September 16, 2023 by [mi...]

[[Br...]]

We've seen members have significant troubles like this when changing brands and also switching to liquid.  Is you liquid prepared by a compounding pharmacy ?

Setbacks like this are incredibly scary and discouraging. It's unfair this happened to you after a careful, sensible taper.  It may take some time to settle.  But please remember, benzos tell us to see terror and hopelessness in everything - it's one of the many distortions our brains produce when healing from benzos.  I remember from my own experience what a living nightmare it was.  Please also remember our bodies know how to heal.

[[mi...]]

@[Br...] The liquid pushed me over the edge. It was made by a compounding pharmacy yes, but it was a different brand of k mixed in ora plus. I felt something immediately wrong and I know I dosed it correctly. Anyway I was able to find a supply of my original brand of tablets where I was stable for so long so I’ve been back on those for 7 weeks and still struggling. Some windows and stuff but the waves are horrific. Brain feels broken, body feels destroyed. I did so good and now this. I’m devastated. Three months ago I was traveling, working, coaching, being a photographer, eating at restaurants. Had a fun three week road trip planned and I had zero fear.  Occasional mini waves. Now I can’t function and it isn’t improving and I can’t eat normal food and constantly feel like I’m gonna vomit. Constant discomfort. I tapered so well. I don’t get this. My original med isn’t even stabilizing me now. I will say I have not held my dose the entire time I am on my original brand, only for the last 20 days I’ve never held longer than 14 days really, and over the last year never really gave my system time to settle down between cuts, I would still feel the hit of the cut on day 14 and I would cut again every time anyway for over a year, so maybe that caught up with me too and the brand changes and liquid put me over the edge. I just don’t get how it can be so severe all of a sudden. I feel like I’ve cause permanent damage to my stomach. I was so proud of the fact that my G.I. had stayed normal even when my other symptoms were flare and now it’s my worst symptom, and I don’t see how they can ever stabilize and calm down again. I still have three years left to taper at the rate I can handle once I start up again, and then probably years after that to heal. This is terrifying if I can’t stay remotely stable while I am tapering. I wonder if those changes kindled me somehow. I know for sure it’s heightened my cns big time. Just don’t know if you call it kindling when you haven’t started or stopped. I just felt multiple WD like episodes with all these switches and I think it pissed my boddy off beyond repair. Not sure jts fixable. God I was so stable last spring and early summer. 

Edited September 16, 2023 by [mi...]

[[Br...]]

I know the despair you're feeling and even the rage that this has all happened to you.  But looking at the beginning of this thread I see there have been a number of ways some of your symptoms have lifted and you even describe having a few windows in the past two weeks.  I know it's hard to hold onto these glimpses of recovery but I hope you'll go back and re-read the third paragraph of your first post on this thread.  

I also encourage you to read Success Stories: https://benzobuddies.org/forum/44-success-stories/ where you'll see members describe their journey from hopelessness and despair to recovery.  When I was in the thick of horrible withdrawal symptoms I clung to Success Stories like a life raft. I hope they help give you the infusion of optimism they gave me.

[[mi...]]

@[Br...] I have read some. I know we all heal once we are off. I’m scared I won’t stabilize while I’m still on. Nobody seems to be able to say whether previous stabilization in a taper improves your chances of remaining stable down the road after a massive crash. It’s always we just don’t know. That scares me. Being like this the whole way down isn’t ok. My kids need me. I can’t function. I lost my job. I’m a mess.