What breaks my heart the most…

[[ph...]]

So last year I was a stupid 22 year old who decided he was going to use drugs to cope with life. I ended up finding this weird, obscure internet-drug called Phenibut. Every single account said the same thing - DO NOT TAKE EVERY DAY. DO NOT TAKE LARGE AMOUNTS. That’s exactly what I did.

After 3 months of absurdly high dosing (12-16grams a day of powder) I suddenly started just not sleeping. No matter WHAT, I could only sleep 4 hours max. Was in denial about the fact that I knew it was the Phenibut. I tried to move my dose to the end of the day to see if it would help. Thus ensued the most massive panic attack of my entire life, and then of course the taper.

I knew this was just the result of being willingly stupid and I was paying the price DEARLY. Realized it was BY FAR the biggest mistake of my life. I thought that what I was experiencing was something barbaric and unique. But, I did it to myself. With an obscure internet research chemical.

Even though Phenibut isn’t classified as a benzo, the benzo withdrawal experience is the ONLY one that matches mine.

Then I found this forum. This forum full of so many good, regular people simply taking their medication as prescribed. So many innocent lives ripped away from so many individuals under the false presumption that their doctor knew what was best for them. I was purposely abusing drugs. Most of you were just following doctor’s orders. It truly breaks my heart.

The amount of times I would read posts on here and just cry. How could these people be suffering as badly as me (or even worse)? Benzos actually turn on people too? People are forced to taper too, on their own, because they also started withdrawing out of nowhere? This is happening to THIS many people?? And this is a PRESCIPTION? Benzos are prescribed for DAILY usage and they’re JUST AS BAD IF NOT WORSE than Phenibut??? I think they’re worse. I don’t have food sensitivities. I don’t get tremors or seizures. I can still workout without having issues.

I don’t want to make it sound worse than it has to be, it’s just so hard for me to wrap my head around this all. I started tearing up just writing this. It’s just so sore for me. Maybe it’s a bit dramatic but it’s just how I feel.

I really just needed to get my thoughts out. My whole heart goes out to each of you every single day. You truly are always in my thoughts and if you’re reading this, know that I’m sending you my full love. It feels a little corny saying this as I’m much younger than a lot of you but I want to make sure you make it through this with me. I wish I could be somebody’s shoulder to cry on. Nobody should have to deal with this, especially alone, but it actually does in fact get better like this forum taught me!! 6 months off going strong and OFFICIALLY seeing an end in sight! I’m thinking one more year for true 100%.

Please everybody keep on pushing. It would mean the world to me.

[[Ha...]]

It certainly opens your eyes to the reality of modern medicine. 

[[Br...]]

@[ph...] You're not alone here in coming to these drugs without a prescription.  You're in good company here.  Please don't beat yourself up for making a mistake - you had no idea how dearly you would pay for it.  Please don't dwell on it.

What you have written here is deeply caring and empathic.  Your words will resonate with others here and they will feel validated and understood.  That's a real gift to your fellow members.

[[Fa...]]

@[ph...] Thank you from my heart.  Your words brought me to tears I am so moved.  I do hope your compassion and empathy extends to yourself as well.  Many (myself included) may have had a prescription, but many still feel as though we should have ‘known’ better.  I think that is a very common feeling…especially when our thought-processes have such a negative-bias moving through this.

I am very pleased to hear that you have moved through discontinuation and are well on your way to healing and a full recovery.  Congratulations!  I wish you only the very best.

Warmly,

F

 

 

[[de...]]

What a lovely post @[ph...].  Thank you for taking the time to write this, and please take care of yourself as you continue to heal.

[[de...]]

Hey Phenibut friend,

I'm here due to Phenibut too. It's actually a prescribed drug in Lithuania and Russia at up to 2grams a day, so not entirely a research chemical. just from our perspective it is.

Affects the GABA as its a GABAergic drug so its quite literally a benzo imo. My symptoms have been identical to benzo w/d. Quite literally all of them, but have simmered down somewhat now. I could write a scroll for the list of issues it caused. But most are way less if not healed now.

Took 6 or so grams a day for 8 months and then tapered down to zero over 4 months. Literally hell on earth. Then PAWS. 

Took my last dose 23rd of May last year and the first 6 months were terrible. The next 6months slowly better. Now I'm in the 15th month out and still get waves, with windows. Typically  some blurry/dry eyes, burning limbs, aching limbs, shoulder/neck/chest pain and occasionally heaviness of breath and dry mouth. There's others but I just accept them now, along with some anxiety about them which I deal with until the flare ups/waves go away.

Had some lengthy headaches and eye aches, and some internal itching. Also experienced the tremors/vibrating for quite some time but they've gone now. At the beginning I thought I had MS or something sinister going on. Still get the eye twitches and the little things that annoy but don't distract. usually an indicator of a wave the little things. 

Cant't drink alcohol, well at least not without a flare up, giving it one more year off that. Maybe two even. Changed to a full on carnivore diet also as some foods started to become sensitive. 

Had to do a full blood, urine, EKG type medical for peace of mind which turned out fine.

Anyway, rambled a bit there. Apologies. How was your withdrawal and how are you doing now?

[[Pa...]]

8 minutes ago, [[d...] said:

Hey Phenibut friend,

I'm here due to Phenibut too. It's actually a prescribed drug in Lithuania and Russia at up to 2grams a day, so not entirely a research chemical. just from our perspective it is.

Affects the GABA as its a GABAergic drug so its quite literally a benzo imo. My symptoms have been identical to benzo w/d. Quite literally all of them, but have simmered down somewhat now. I could write a scroll for the list of issues it caused. But most are way less if not healed now.

Took 6 or so grams a day for 8 months and then tapered down to zero over 4 months. Literally hell on earth. Then PAWS. 

Took my last dose 23rd of May last year and the first 6 months were terrible. The next 6months slowly better. Now I'm in the 15th month out and still get waves, with windows. Typically  some blurry/dry eyes, burning limbs, aching limbs, shoulder/neck/chest pain and occasionally heaviness of breath and dry mouth. There's others but I just accept them now, along with some anxiety about them which I deal with until the flare ups/waves go away.

Had some lengthy headaches and eye aches, and some internal itching. Also experienced the tremors/vibrating for quite some time but they've gone now. At the beginning I thought I had MS or something sinister going on. Still get the eye twitches and the little things that annoy but don't distract. usually an indicator of a wave the little things. 

Cant't drink alcohol, well at least not without a flare up, giving it one more year off that. Maybe two even. Changed to a full on carnivore diet also as some foods started to become sensitive. 

Had to do a full blood, urine, EKG type medical for peace of mind which turned out fine.

Anyway, rambled a bit there. Apologies. How was your withdrawal and how are you doing now?

Hello denzil, welcome to BenzoBuddies,

Thank you for joining and jumping right in to help reassure another member, peer support by relating ourexperiences is so important.

We’re happy you found us, let us know if we can do anything for you.

Pamster

[[be...]]

@[ph...] we all make mistakes in Life, but it is when we can open our heart to others and give hope even when we have been in the trenches, that means so much to me and others. I think we also learn while making mistakes, and we can avoid them in the future, take care of yourself, and know that what you give out to others will always come back to you...when you least expect it. Stay Strong. 💖 Peace and Healing.

[[ph...]]

21 hours ago, [[d...] said:

Hey Phenibut friend,

I'm here due to Phenibut too. It's actually a prescribed drug in Lithuania and Russia at up to 2grams a day, so not entirely a research chemical. just from our perspective it is.

Affects the GABA as its a GABAergic drug so its quite literally a benzo imo. My symptoms have been identical to benzo w/d. Quite literally all of them, but have simmered down somewhat now. I could write a scroll for the list of issues it caused. But most are way less if not healed now.

Took 6 or so grams a day for 8 months and then tapered down to zero over 4 months. Literally hell on earth. Then PAWS. 

Took my last dose 23rd of May last year and the first 6 months were terrible. The next 6months slowly better. Now I'm in the 15th month out and still get waves, with windows. Typically  some blurry/dry eyes, burning limbs, aching limbs, shoulder/neck/chest pain and occasionally heaviness of breath and dry mouth. There's others but I just accept them now, along with some anxiety about them which I deal with until the flare ups/waves go away.

Had some lengthy headaches and eye aches, and some internal itching. Also experienced the tremors/vibrating for quite some time but they've gone now. At the beginning I thought I had MS or something sinister going on. Still get the eye twitches and the little things that annoy but don't distract. usually an indicator of a wave the little things. 

Cant't drink alcohol, well at least not without a flare up, giving it one more year off that. Maybe two even. Changed to a full on carnivore diet also as some foods started to become sensitive. 

Had to do a full blood, urine, EKG type medical for peace of mind which turned out fine.

Anyway, rambled a bit there. Apologies. How was your withdrawal and how are you doing now?

@[de...] Whoa, I found somebody else!!!! This is the first time I’ve ever spoken directly to someone else recovering from phenibut!! 

First of all you make a really good point. I actually forgot that phenibut is a prescription drug in a couple countries. I’m just so used to looking at it as a research chemical, or “nootropic compound” or whatever else they say so they can get away with selling it online.

I also agree with you that phenibut is basically a benzo. I know it acts mostly on GABA-B receptors, but it acts on GABA-A “to some extent”, but it feels like when you dose high enough it may as well be a benzo. The withdrawal feels like that at least.

And you didn’t ramble! I really appreciate you taking the time to give me a rundown of how your time has been with your recovery. It gives me much more hope. Most anecdotes I would find online gave a 1-2 month timeline max. I thought I was screwed!! This is really relieving to read, especially knowing I FINALLY made it to 6 months!!

My withdrawal was actually a little less physical than yours. I didn’t really get any tremors or headaches/pain, nor did I have to change my diet, but I ABSOLUTELY 100% got the vibrating and achey limbs, and my neck definitely gets really tense sometimes. The vibrating limbs was definitely top 3 worst symptoms. Not to mention the akathisia. That word feels like a curse word. That’s died down significantly thank god, but I get achey legs and a general sense of coldness/tenseness/restlessness when I’m in a wave.

What’s really weird however is I “can” drink alcohol. Literally NOTHING influences my waves in any way, they just happen.

At this point, I’m mostly just left with mental symptoms. I seem to alternate between periods of dread/fear and periods of intense despair. It’s like the depression/anxiety I have is just amplified by a buuuunch. But some days I feel pretty much normal!

Can I ask how bad your insomnia is/was? That’s my number one symptom that sticks around. Even on days when I feel otherwise 90%. For me, it’s staying asleep.

Feel free to message me too! Hang in there my friend    You’ve given me hope!

 

[[ph...]]

On 20/08/2023 at 15:01, [[F...] said:

@[ph...] Thank you from my heart.  Your words brought me to tears I am so moved.  I do hope your compassion and empathy extends to yourself as well.  Many (myself included) may have had a prescription, but many still feel as though we should have ‘known’ better.  I think that is a very common feeling…especially when our thought-processes have such a negative-bias moving through this.

I am very pleased to hear that you have moved through discontinuation and are well on your way to healing and a full recovery.  Congratulations!  I wish you only the very best.

Warmly,

F

@[Fa...] Thank you so much for your kind words  I really appreciate that. I know that you already know that the “knowing better” than to get into this situation is negative-bias thinking, I just want to add that this is something that would hurt my heart so much to read as well. We’re taught to trust our doctors, and to be failed to this degree leaves you feeling so hopeless and confused you begin to blame yourself. It is NOT your fault. I just want to say that to anybody thinking that or reading this.

I’ve only had an account on this site for three days but I recognize your username from when I would read posts on here after I jumped (around the middle of February this year).

You offer your heart and support to so many people so often and it’s inspiring. The strength you possess is very influential. You are actually part of the reason I made this post, it was the people like you who showed me that maybe this IS something I can get through and life can still be full of love and connection as we make our way to the finish line through these very confusing times. These people are suffering greatly but still offering their full support. These people are wonderful and need to be heard. People like you.

I also wish you the very, very best as you continue to taper. The strength you clearly possess will take you to the end and a full recovery is absolutely in your path.

We’re gonna get there together.  

[[Fa...]]

34 minutes ago, [[p...] said:

@[Fa...] Thank you so much for your kind words  I really appreciate that. I know that you already know that the “knowing better” than to get into this situation is negative-bias thinking, I just want to add that this is something that would hurt my heart so much to read as well. We’re taught to trust our doctors, and to be failed to this degree leaves you feeling so hopeless and confused you begin to blame yourself. It is NOT your fault. I just want to say that to anybody thinking that or reading this.

I’ve only had an account on this site for three days but I recognize your username from when I would read posts on here after I jumped (around the middle of February this year).

You offer your heart and support to so many people so often and it’s inspiring. The strength you possess is very influential. You are actually part of the reason I made this post, it was the people like you who showed me that maybe this IS something I can get through and life can still be full of love and connection as we make our way to the finish line through these very confusing times. These people are suffering greatly but still offering their full support. These people are wonderful and need to be heard. People like you.

I also wish you the very, very best as you continue to taper. The strength you clearly possess will take you to the end and a full recovery is absolutely in your path.

We’re gonna get there together.  

@[ph...]  Again...moved to tears.  Thank you for such kind words.  I'm actually having a hard time writing a reply...

Yes, let's get there together.  I would love nothing more.  

Warmly,

F

[[ph...]]

13 hours ago, [[b...] said:

@[ph...] we all make mistakes in Life, but it is when we can open our heart to others and give hope even when we have been in the trenches, that means so much to me and others. I think we also learn while making mistakes, and we can avoid them in the future, take care of yourself, and know that what you give out to others will always come back to you...when you least expect it. Stay Strong. 💖 Peace and Healing.

@[be...]  ❤️ I really appreciated that. You kind of made me realize that sometimes the mistakes you make in life will lead you to a new lease in life, a second chance to start anew and focus on what really matters: the love and connection we offer to others, especially those who need it most, even when you’re really hurting.

Thank you for offering me your heart, and thank you so, so much for all the support and connection you give to so many people who were once in your place. it really, truly means the world to me. So many lives filled with hope and joy. You are truly a wonderful person.

Congratulations for being benzo free for 3+ years now!! Can’t wait to be on the other side with you  

[[be...]]

1 hour ago, [[p...] said:

@[be...]  ❤️ I really appreciated that. You kind of made me realize that sometimes the mistakes you make in life will lead you to a new lease in life, a second chance to start anew and focus on what really matters: the love and connection we offer to others, especially those who need it most, even when you’re really hurting.

Thank you for offering me your heart, and thank you so, so much for all the support and connection you give to so many people who were once in your place. it really, truly means the world to me. So many lives filled with hope and joy. You are truly a wonderful person.

Congratulations for being benzo free for 3+ years now!! Can’t wait to be on the other side with you  

Oh I am touched, you brought tears to my eyes, but not sad ones, the thing is....we all must stand together, because we are all waging a War, like no other. But as Benzo Warriors we gain strength each time we share our stories. They may all be different, but basically we all want the same thing...to be off of the benzo's and back to a life that we so deserve. And it happens, when it is time, it is wonderful to be off and regaining your life. And you will indeed join me and all the others that have walked off.

[Guest [...]]

Chuffed to have you here @[ph...]

You are among friends! 

[Guest [...]]

Welcome @[de...], it’s great to have you join us here, too. 

[[de...]]

Hey there,

For me its about 5hrs max sleep typically but some days are better. Seems to be a common thing from what I've read so far. Still get those achey leg waves on occasion and usually accompanied by other symptoms. The fix for that is a good 30-60min plus walk and it sets me right for days. Try that if you get the issue again as I'm sure it'll help. 

As for your sleep, try not to obsess over it too much. Seems to take a while to reach normal. I've had periods where I sleep a normal 6-7hrs then I'm back to 4-5 again (seemed to have a wave/window pattern to it also - maybe all symptoms are individual in that sense as in they each have their own timeline). Sometimes I've been sleeping twice a day too, with the second being in the evening. I actually feel terrible after naps so I try not to take them. Like a cortisol spike that can put me in a lousy wave for between 1-2hrs sometimes. It's been quite the hellacious ride.

My first 6months or so were filled with terrible anxiety. I took NAC (N-Acetyl Cysteine) for a bit and that seemed to help reduce the anxiety when it peaked. I think it balances glutamate - maybe that's bro science, but it definitely helped back then. Definitely helped with the voices I could hear for the first 6 months or so, like people talking in my ear or if the fan was on or water running it was like a conversation. Not delusional though, I knew it wasn't real, just irritating.

The anxiety for me was especially of the health kind. Obsessive over symptoms (but pretty much getting to the end of that now). Probably due to all the variety of symptoms I've had. Like a PTSD of wondering if my heart would stop, every change of light flickering feeling like I'd lose consciousness, sounds startling me etc etc - they just set me off. I guess I've been beaten into some for of acceptance submission haha.

But like I said I'm almost done with this now. Though I've given up putting a timeline on recovery to 100% and just doing as best I can each day. I'd say that being 9 months or so ahead of you in this recovery my advice would be to focus on the good things that have healed and wait for the rest to come. there were some issues I thought would never recover. Like my left eye losing its focus, my leg not working properly, tinnitus, and to some extent the voices. But thats all gone now. Just occasional little reminders of them here and there but as soon as they come, they go.

The anxiety will level out and the sleep will come - One day!

One thing I can strongly say is to avoid caffeine. It just spikes the anxiety on a Phenibut w/d and I still have to avoid it as it actually brings up some symptoms such as nerve pains. 

Hang in there, it gets easier and better