Was pretty much housebound before withdrawa, now I basically live in my room

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Hi everyone, 

I’m 23 days into quitting Xanax/Zoloft cold turkey aka ruining mine & my mom’s life. Brain zaps, neuropathic issues, ant like crawling in limbs, frequent feeling spaced out, “to the bone” nerve pain in ears & jaw. 
 

Thought I found NP to help w taper but there was a misunderstanding on my end about insurance. Booked an appt w another NP but the meeting isn’t until 8/31. Things keep flashing through my mind. How will I take care of myself? Can’t work can’t drive. Housebound due to hyperacusis (severe noise sensitivity) & SCREAMING tinnitus that got 100x worse from quitting meds. 
 

Going to ask my primary care Dr if she can help me taper but I don’t know if she prescribes anxiety meds. Haven’t slept. Thoughts go through my mind - what if I have a seizure or brain damage, fatal insomnia. Someone told me I have brain damage from this and it freaked me out. They didn’t mean any harm just trying to help. 
 

How do you get through this, can it be done? I’m not strong like all of you. This hot/cold/numbness cycle in extremities is scary as you all known WAY more than me. Logically I don’t know if should still be here. My mom is stressed to the max because of my stupid decisions. It’s not fair to her. I can’t see friends or family. I eat sleep go to the bathroom repeat. That is no life. Now it is worse than I could lossibky have imagined. All because i panicked. I’ve probabably lost 20+ pounds since developing hyperacusis/tinnitus. Now I have no chance of healing from those conditions. My head buzzes and vibrates from the sharpness and loudness of tinnitus.

Thanks everyone and apologies for venting again. Biggest fear is this is permanent or I will be left chronically I’ll and/or disabled. 

[[pi...]]

@[sc...],

You are not weaker then anyone else here. Benzo withdrawal can bring you to your knees.  My bedroom was my oasis. I didn't drive. I did have anxiety, for me benzos and withdrawal did a great job creating it. Little by little, teeny baby steps, I was able to do more and more. No longer did I need to stay in my oasis, and my world slowly grew.

pianogirl

[[Fa...]]

@[sc...]  Do you mind if I 'sit' and join you in your suffering? Crappy time in my room, too.

I was wondering a few things....just some thoughts as I have read your posts/threads.

If you make the decision to reinstate your benzo, I believe it might be a wise move to move to a benzo with a longer half-life (Diazepam) as the Ashton Manual recommends.  You will have been off for 35 days...just shy over the 30 day mark.  Reinstating on Xanax, to me, does not seem like a choice that would best serve you in the long run with respect to tapering off.  That is if you decide you would like to reinstate upon your appt.  Have you given this any thought?  All only recommendations.  Some prefer to stay on their benzo.  I just know that Xanax is more difficult to taper from due to its short half-life.  This may be a good opportunity to make this switch if you choose.  

And...you are in no way weaker than any other of the members.  If you could be a fly on the wall...even my wall.   You would see that we are all just doing our best to find our way through this, and it's friggin' messy.  Messy is an understatement.  So, no comparisons...even though I know we all do it to ourselves all the time.  But, logically, I do know better.  Right now, I'm wiggling in my desk chair because I can't sit still with a slew of symptoms.  You're not alone.

WD is not a chronic illness...prognosis is excellent.  It feels horrible and wretched, absolutely.  If you were to decide to stay off the meds, I know you will get through it.  You will have much support here on the site.

May I ask what had you panicked that you decided to CT?

Warmly,

F 

 

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@[Fa...]Thank you so much, and I’m so sry you’re going through that. In honestly don’t know what I want to do. If my Dr would allow a discussion I would feel better about it but I’ve defied treatment before so he’s understandably firm. I’m possibly open to the Diazepam but I don’t have anywhere to get the meds from at this time. I also worry they cooks hurt my ears. My appt is 2 wks away and I’m not sure what the practitioner will suggest. As long as it’s a plan that is safe I’m open to anything. Getting back on Xanax does scare me after learning ant. kindling, but I don’t know anything about tapering or withdrawal as I’m having trouble focusing on/understanding the Ashton Manual. The schedules and precise measurements are a bit intimidating especially w my mind how it is. 
 

I stopped cold turkey because I read that the meds could be ototoxic and I already have debilitating ear issues. When I read that, all common sense went out the window. I didn’t stop to think, hey, I’ve been on Xanax FOREVER and Zoloft for months…the ototoxicity would have show by now!! Did I really think it would spontaneously being out nowhere?? I cannot for the life of me understand what I was thinking or why I didn’t go to my psychiatrist. I am extremely paranoid about phone calls and Dr visits (loud car rides) bc of my ear, and I think that okayed into why I didn’t seek help. When started vomiting for days (apologies for TMI), I STILL didn’t go. Part of me thought my anxiety was so bad it was making me sick. I stupidly had this idea in my head that I would be very sick for a week so and get better. I had no idea that neuropathy, blurry vision, and other symptoms would come. I was ignorant - even people who don’t take benzos know this happens!! 
 

I was so obsessed w my ears that i made myself worse. My tinnitus was very manageable, now it’s screaming and one of the most intense symptoms. 
 

I wish I could just get back on meds like my mom wants me to but i just don’t feel comfortable after what I’ve read l, especially since I can’t taper bc my Dr would agreed to it. I could try myself but i have extended release Xanax so I can’t cut the pills down. I could try the Zoloft but I’d feel more comfortable with medical supervision. 
 

I just worry that each day I’m not doing something I’m getting worse, but I guess there’s no way to get better (other than with time) even i do taper. 
 

Thanks so much for listening and helping me, I really appreciate it 

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@[pi...]Thank you so much. How did you/do you distract yourself from the symptoms? Right now my leg is numb and cold and it’s feeling me out. It feels like ants crawling in my limbs and I feel so uncomfortable. 
 

thanks again 

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Getting eye floaters too…scary:( 

[[Fa...]]

@[sc...]  Not all the time, but sometimes things happen for a reason.  You have some time to think about all of this...and, I know thinking is not easy right now, but you would be surprised the realizations we can have in this...within suffering.

Kindling is very real.  It is something to consider, absolutely.  And, let me tell you...I was in medical administration.  I was administrator for a psychiatrist, a psychologist and social workers as well as primary health providers.  I didn't know what a benzo was.  If someone had asked me if I was on a benzo, my answer would have been no.  If that is not a mind-bender, I don't know what is.  Nor did I know anything about the potential WD because I had been on and off once before without incident.

I walked off of 10 years of benzo use without a problem in 2007.  I went back on in 2011...and, when I realized that I was having issues with it, I simply decided to come off the same way....and, I was snared.  And, in a big way, due to kindling.  Not just from taking it for a second time, but for taking it PRN (as needed) for 12 years.  

I can see you have been doing some thinking already, and you have a good idea of what your options are along with potential problems that could arise depending on the choices you make.  The increased tinnitus right now is not permanent...I know that does not make it easier to cope with.

Finding a Benzo-wise doc is not easy.  Finding one that will allow their patient to steer their own taper...challenging.  Sometimes, the decision is taken out of our hands...it has been for many.  But, first and foremost, stay true to what you decide for yourself and advocate for it.  

You have endured 23 days of this so far.  I did a rapid taper initially, and I lasted only 5 days.  You have strength to do this if that is what you choose.  What I hope for you is that you have the choice to do what it is you want moving forward, and the cooperation from the medical community.  That is what I hope for you.  But, the choice must be our own.

Warmly,

F 

[[Pi...]]

I took Ativan over 30 years.  You should ask to be reinstated.  Read the Ashton manual.  Reduce by 10% every 2 weeks.  Walk into the dr’s office with a taper schedule.  Good luck.

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Thanks I will ask them about this. Still debating taper vs not reinstating. Seems to be about even regarding peoples’ opinions on it. Worried about kindling w Xanax:( 

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Getting zapping sensations in ears & head. Terrified this is a new symptom of tinnitus or that I have TTTS/MEM. 
 

tinnitus/buzzing spikes with each zap

This is exacting why I STOPPED to avoid ear issues - didn’t think to look up consequences of stopping regarding ears (or anything else) 

So upset with myself no excuse for what I have done.