Can't feel emotions - PLEASE HELP! (12 months out Valium C/T)

[[am...]]

Hi Guys,

I just passed my 1 year Benzo cessation anniversary. I was pulled off Valium after 2 years of use last year on the 14th of August 2022. I had a terrible acute withdrawal that nearly killed me and landed me in the hospital multiple times. I was doing pretty terribly until around January this year when I had a 2 - 3 month window where symptoms weren't as bad, and then a wave from May - July, where my mental symptoms became a lot worse, i.e: depression, anxiety, panic attacks, DP/DR, the whole show. Which obviously was very disheartening. However, I pushed through and somehow survived.

These past three weeks have been genuinely hellish though and I'm not sure what to do. During the end of July, around my birthday (perfect), my mental symptoms ramped up even more. It was scary. I was experiencing crying spells, panic attacks, mood swings and was acting extremely erratically. I couldn't stop crying and felt as though I was in this pit of sadness I couldn't lift myself out of no matter what I did.

I'm going to mention now that I've been on Remeron (Mirtazapine) 3.75mg & 7.5mg for around 4 years, long before I was on Benzos. I usually go up in dose when I'm more anxious and down when I'm feeling better. Before Benzos, Remeron rarely caused me any issues aside from when I was first put on it, which is normal. Fast forward to now, I was taking 3.75mg from around March - July. In July I went back up to 7.5mg as I had been feeling pretty low. After I upped my dose I started feeling better for about a week and then I crashed, causing the above symptoms. This had never really happened before, so I was left very confused and opted to lower my dose again after 2 weeks, to 3.75mg. This is where things got worse.

I started feeling nothing, no emotions. I can't feel a single thing and I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if this is a Benzo withdrawal symptom, as I've heard things can get worse at the 12-month mark for some people, but I feel nothing. Event typing this, I know I should be scared, but I can't even feel it. I'm like a zombie. It feels so horrible, I'm just going through the motions and I can't feel a damn thing. It makes me feel sick because I'm usually a very emotional person and I love my feelings and I'm so scared they're never coming back or I've caused permanent brain damage. Along with this my DP/DR is worse than ever and I'm experiencing flu-like symptoms and just genuinely do not feel real.

I took a week off work to go on a holiday and felt nothing the whole time. I was just exhausted and I want to live my life again. I just turned 26.

I am just looking for advice or support. I really want my emotions back, I can't live like this. It's been a year of hell and I'm not sure how much more fight I have left in me.

Thank-you guys,

Ambs x

[[Gl...]]

Welcome @[am...] to BB.  Just so you know, you're definitely not alone.  Being unable to feel is pretty common for us in benzo withdrawal.  I'm sorry you've been struggling for so long.  I feel hopeful things will look up for you one of these days.  Hang in there.  I'm glad you joined us.😊

[[Ho...]]

Hi there,

I've been on Remeron too; still am on a very small dose and trying to titrate off of it. It helped during the worst of my withdrawal; it helped me sleep and eat. What I've found for myself is that Remeron is very, very potent. I can't titrate down easily because when I do, it feels like the most awful wave!

IDK but you may be the same. There used to be a huge string on this forum just on getting off of mirtazepine/Remeron. It may be that your symptoms have ramped up mostly because of the Mirt. We all like to have something in our back pocket for when things get really intolerable, but in my experience Remeron isn't a good go-to.

It can be so, so confusing at times. What is causing the current wave, is it healing, food, too much stimulation? Is it the Remeron? Looking back at your post, I think a part of you suspects it's the cause. 

Whatever the culprit is, you are not, I repeat, NOT permanently damaged. You're still healing, and that takes a looooong time. You'll feel again; you'll enjoy life and be yourself. It just takes time!

HC 

 

[[am...]]

Thankyou so much for the kind words. It’s made today a lot easier.