Will need a lot of support

[[Ti...]]

Hi everyone,

This will be my fourth time tapering a benzo. I was on klonopin for 13 years, got off with a slow taper, could not sleep at all, was hospitalized and reinstated on ativan a week later. Got off that by transitioning to valium and a year later was off, but when I got to 7mg valium I stopped sleeping. Was hospitalized again, reinstated on ativan. It stopped working, used cannabis and got off but then I reached tolerance on cannabis... didn't sleep, was back in the hospital and reinstated again. Doctors say I have medication resistant insomnia. I've been polydrugged. I've tried everything and anything for sleep, combos of stuff, lots of very potent meds. I was originally put on klonopin and seroquel to get me to sleep back in 2007. So now I have a full time job (started 6 months ago) and I have 0 support at home. My partner won't listen or try to understand. I am alone, I raised my kids and they are off at college. I just have to somehow manage to keep my job and get off the ativan, this will be my last attempt. The problem has always been that I don't sleep at all, no micro sleep, no nothing for days and that can go to weeks. But at this point, I've reached tolerance with ativan and am finding it really hard to get even 2 hours sleep so I think I need to come off and stay off.  When I don't sleep, I pace, I don't eat, I get really sick which has always landed me in the hospital and reinstated. I have to avoid the hospital and still get to work at 6am. I work 4 11 hour days a week. I know sleep is covered and insomnia is a common thing but total insomnia for so long is not and I don't know what to do when it happens. I never crash, or get a good night. It's just always no sleep and psychosis, etc. None of the other meds have ever helped. I am also on many many supplements including cannabis and melatonin, magnesium, lemon balm, passionflower, l theanine, ashwagandha, valerian, chamomile, 5 htp, hops, etc... etc...  I am terrified but I am looking to do a fast taper. I only take ativan before bed, never in the day. Because of this my doctor said I can just stop. But obv, he's wrong. I have had many doctors in the past. I know I need to do this on my own. Looking for a lot of support, checking in with me, I just feel so trapped on this and I've been trying for 5 years to be clear of it and have failed every attempt.

[[PG...]]

Sounds like you've been through a lot, doctors often suck at helping you navigate what's happening and then you end up in a worse place.

Sleep also sucks because there's no magic formula of drugs that will give you a restful calm nights' sleep with no side effects. It seems like you've tried lots of options already, but that doesn't mean there isn't a routine that works for you.

For me, when I stopped sleeping during/after ativan, it was crippling. It drove me crazy feeling like I was never getting sleep. One day, I was telling my mom about it, basically in tears, and she said "oh, is that all? I don't sleep every night, lots of nights I just sort of lie there and rest but I never really feel myself go unconscious" very matter factly. This was sort of shocking to me, since she didn't seem to have totally unraveled the way I did, and she said it had been that way for years.

I think we all have this very romantic idea of sleep and assume that 99% of people are lying peacefully unconscious for 8 hours every single night. From talking to people, this is not the case, lots of totally healthy people don't get much sleep.

In my experience, the important thing was to let me body rest. You'll be surprised how much your body can repair itself just lying in a cool dark room. But recommendation is to figure out how to fight the urge to get up and pace (I'm a pacer too). If that's the hard part, then you need to explore options to help relax your mind. There were (and still are) many nights that I have to keep thinking "it's ok if I'm not unconscious, my body is resting and repairing".

Might sound kind of unsatisfying, but there's lots of people who have gone through complicated relationships with sleep, don't be to hard on yourself if you're going through a rough patch.

[[Ti...]]

I guess for me, I have severe dry eye, am on medicated drops... so no sleep kills my eyes, even if i keep them shut. They swell and burn so bad constantly. If eyes didn't have so many issues, just resting would be fine but clearly I need sleep at least for my eyes. I think I can at least get a few hour "rest."

[[PG...]]

I mean, as a person who quit ativan, my recommendation is usually "try to quit the ativan", obviously using whatever taper method works best for you. I think the kind of sleep that you get in the early days of benzos is nice but over time I think it gets harder to get the kind of sleep you're looking for.

[[Ti...]]

I'm just looking for a few hours sleep a night. Even if not deep. Anything really.