Dont know what to do next...

[[Ma...]]

I need some insight of my fellow buddies. I am at a bad place and I don't know what to do next. I will try to summerize my very long journey.
I started my taper after a very low dose/short use of lorazepam. In fact, I was using it twice a week for 3 months when I got hooked on it. At that time, I was (badly) advised, on another forum,  to do a slow taper because it was the safest way. So I started this slow taper. The few first months were not so bad, at one point I was even able to go back to work and was living my life almost normally, but I was tapering very slowly, dry cutting with a scale, so in my first year I was only able to taper from 0.3mg A to 0.18mg A. The second year of my taper, things started to be more and more difficult. I was alterning between waves that last 1-2 months and windows of few weeks, with very long hold of numerous months in between, in hope to stabilize. Now I am in my third year of this awful taper. During the last 12 months, I've only been able to taper from 0.18mg to 0.14mg A, with suffering. I am holding the same dose since last november and I have some very short windows (5-10 days) followed by long waves of 4-6 weeks.  So, the more I taper, the lower I go, the worst my symptoms are. Even with this very long hold, I dont see any sign of stabilization. When I feel better for 1-2 weeks, my hope get slammed again with an inevitable wave.
So I would like to hear from you, to try to understand what I am doing wrong. Some people says that the lower you get, the better you feel. This is really not my case! And at first the long holds were helping me, but it doesnt anymore. What should I do, and is it normal? I am more and more hopeless and tired. Thank you for sharing/helping me.

[[PG...]]

Lorazepam is tough, sorry to hear you're struggling.

Personally, I don't think any dose of lorazepam works long term, I think because of how fast-acting it is, I think your body adjusts to any dosage pretty quickly.

There's no perfect way to taper down to 0 but the dosages you're describing are already very low so at some point, if you feel ready, you might want to try going down to 0. Alternatively, maybe talk to a doctor about maybe switching to a low dose of a different, slower-acting form of benzo, since some people have reported that's easier to do a taper with.

Are you having any luck distracting yourself from symptoms? Lots of people report success when they eliminate things that they know can be exacerbated by waves (food, exercise, socializing, resting, etc.) I started therapy pretty early into my waves and it helped identify some things that I could eliminate that helped. Anything in particular you're struggling with?

In general, having 5-10 day windows is something to be proud of on its own, so don't get too down on yourself if waves do return, you've made a ton of progress already.

[[Ma...]]

@[PG...] Thank you for your reply!

Yes, I know I should be proud of having some windows, but I have seen also the « quality » of my windows decreasing over time. During the first year, in a window I felt about 80-90% myself, but now during a window I am maybe at 65-70% of my best self. So even my good days are decreasing in quality over time. 
I try to distract as much as possible, I am exercising regularly, trying to eat well, even if I know I could do better on this side. 
I know that I am now very, very sensitive to any stress, and as soon as I have a little bit of stress at my job, my symptoms are ramping up. This is the most difficult part, trying to avoid stress, or at least mitigate its effect on me. 
I am questioning if I should try to stop now. I would love to be able to taper a bit more, but I am not able to stabilize and I feel stuck. On the other hand, the tinniest cut makes me feel bad, so I can’t imagine what a full stop would do to me… 

I know there is no good answer, I have my own path to follow. It is so damn hard!

[[PG...]]

It's so hard and there is no right answer but it sounds like you're being very thoughtful about your approach, so keep it up!

I also noticed the quality of my windows decreasing over time, but also that my waves weren't as bad either. Eventually they settled at somewhere in the middle, and honestly I'll take that over some of the acute waves I had at the beginning. I think your body has to find a new baseline after the spikes from taking something as strong and fast-acting like lorazepam (and the rebound from when it wears off). Takes forever but it gets there eventually once you're totally off.

[[Ma...]]

@[PG...] Thank you again for your insight. It is funny though, as you mentioned that your wave lessened in intensity with time, and your windows decreased in quality. I think it is a bit like that for me. I still have very tough days, as today, but in general, my bad days are a bit less extreme than before. I still have some very bad days though, but less often. 
I am not sure if I prefer that, because my beautiful windows of the first year were giving me the strength to fight the bad days. I don’t have that anymore. 
 

[[PG...]]

I know exactly what you mean and it is weird, I also used to miss those "early windows".  But that's what makes something like Ativan so appealing in the first place, it pulls you away from any negative physical or mental feeling for a little while. But that's not reality, and when it wears off you have to swing back towards everything negative and end up in an equally unrealistic negative space. Neither is real and you have to swing back and forth until your brain and body settle back in reality.

Once you settle, I feel like I looked around and sort of grumbled like "well this isn't so great, this all just feels medium, bearably crappy". But that's when you can start building your life up again, and when you find a new hobby or relationship or even just a good TV show, you'll notice that those positive feelings are starting to last long term, and that's a really great feeling that is worth trading in the swings in my opinion.

However, the swinging sucks, withdrawal sucks, and you seem like you're being really smart about tackling it (more than I was, for sure!)

[[Ma...]]

@[PG...] Thank you again for your insight and your encouragement. I don’t feel like I am very good at tackling it! But I seem to be an insightful person. You are not the first to say that about me. My therapist says the same thing.

Yesterday was a much better day, but today I am back in the trench of it. Like a yo-yo… up and down! 
 

Thank you again for your help!

Have a nice evening…

Anne-Marie

 

[[Ma...]]

@[PG...] Can you share with me a little bit of your story?