Mental anguish

[[Lo...]]

Hello, 

im new to the group and this is my first post. I started taking Xanax during the middle of the pandemic. I started out taking as needed, but eventually ended up taking it daily for a year. My dose was around .5 mg - 1 mg a day. Had my doctor switch me to clonazepam to help taper off of the Xanax. I started out taking .5 mg a day about 8 months ago and have been tapering very slow. My initial drop of 10% was fairly easy but was moving too fast and started to experience intense withdrawals a couple months in. I had to up my dose a little bit early on and again a couple months ago. This slowed down the taper and has impeded my progress. I am currently making drops of about 7.25 percent each drop now. I’m down to around 3.5 mg a day. The physical withdrawal symptoms are not as pronounced as they were when I was making 10% drops but the mental anguish, depression, anxiety and bouts of rage are intense. I fear that I will lose my partner, whom I love dearly, through this process. I just need to get all this off my chest. I’ve been thru some things in my life and this feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I am determined to get through. Any advice on coping mechanisms, best supplements to take during the taper (also when the supplements will be most beneficial during the process, what times of day to take respective supplements). Things to avoid to help move the taper along faster. I’m hopeful and determined. Reading some of the info in this group has already been helpful. I felt called to write. Thanks for reading. 

[[Co...]]

53 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

I’m down to around 3.5 mg a day.

Hello @[Lo...] Welcome to BenzoBuddies.

Can you please clarify - is your daily dose 3.5mg or 0.35mg clonazepam?

[[Pa...]]

Hello LostSailor, welcome.

We understand how devastating this process can be to our professional and personal lives, for most of us, its the most difficult thing we've ever through.  

Colin has asked a pertinent question, it appears you're at a dose much higher than the one you started, hopefully its a typo.

Pamster

[[Lo...]]

Hello and thank you for the reply. I meant to say .35 mg a day. I take my clonazepam dose once daily at night time as close to bed time as I can get. 

[[Ho...]]

Hello LostSailor,

I'm about 11 months off Clonazepam and still in the healing process. It's a tough road, that's for sure! Some have it easier than others, but there's no predictor of your body's healing rhythm that I know of. What I've been told, over and over, is that time is what heals this neurological damage. Time and more time. This is incredibly hard to hear, I know. 

On these boards, I've read many, many posts on supplements that people tried. Some ease the symptoms.  None speed up the healing. The only item that seems to have helped a few people is NAD+. It doesn't heal but apparently it helps move some people forward. Still, not all. 

The mental anguish, depression, anxiety and rage, oh my. That's what we all need to address and boy, is it tough! Some people have found an antidepressant that helps. The problem with that is that when you try different ones, it pushes your already fragile CNS. I never found one that helped, which is not to say you won't. There is a DNA test that pinpoints what AD's will work for you and which won't. I did take that test but was already in a fragile state. I didn't want to try any more antidepressants. I'm still titrating down on the two quasi-antidepressants that I took at the lowest possible dose.

One of the things I ended with is radical acceptance. It doesn't mean you give up; it just means you accept your helplessness to make healing happen, and let your body do the work it needs to do. Another is distracting; finding things that take your mind away. It's my daily go-to.

Yes, the hardest thing I've ever done. Totally agree. I spend time on the success stories! They're always good to read.

I hope things go well for you and that you find all the help you can! 

[[Lo...]]

It’s just that week of leveling out when making the drops that is so rough. Once I level out things are fairly ok until the next drop. The severity of the symptoms that I experience when I do make drops though has made things difficult in sticking with the plan of cutting it off completely. I’ve basically been following the Ashton method, and I’m sure it’s more manageable than a rapid detox or cold turkey which I definitely wouldn’t do because if the risks involved.but on the other side, I don’t want to be going through this process for the next two years of my life, although I do feel slow and steady will be the least painful method. My doctor is pushing me to move the process along faster. My girlfriend is too. I worry that he may eventually cut me off before I’m ready. Recently I’ve thought about if maybe rehab and a faster medically supervised detox would be better. 

[[Lo...]]

Thank you for your reply  HotcoldHotcold. I will look into some of these things you mentioned. I’ve currently been taking Ashwaganda in the mornings during my week or so of leveling out, and it does seem to mask some of the morning anxiety. The radical acceptance resonates with me. Im am leery of antidepressants and any new prescription meds honestly, but I am not completely opposed to it if it would really help, even if that means just masking the symptoms that I’m feeling or move things along quicker. Im just wondering what kind of withdrawals would come with eventually having to stop taking those meds after I get off the clonazepam. 

[[Ho...]]

I know what you mean. I was put on Lamotrigine and Remeron, both the lowest dose. I tapered down halfway on each but from there it got dicey. I dropped 10% of the mirtazepine dose last night and by the afternoon, I could feel it. It's bad. Wouldn't wish it on anyone, including me.

Anything you go on is bound to have some kind of repercussion. I've heard many take a beta blocker like propanolol and it can help short term, like on the first day your symptoms ramp up and make you miserable. If you take it regularly, yep, you have to taper off again.

You sound as if you have things in train! There's not much more you can do; you're already on the Ashton method, you've found Ashwaganda helps and that's great. Your doctor and your girlfriend both probably believe instinctively that it will help you to get off faster. It's not the case, though. It's counterintuitive but you're right, slow and steady seems to win the day.

This video is a little long-winded, but it does sort of underscore that slow is almost always better; even holding. These two, Chris Paige and Dr. Whitt-Doering, are two of the most knowledgeable professionals out there:

I wouldn't want your Dr. or girlfriend, with the best of intentions, to cause more difficulties!

HCHC 

[[Pa...]]

2 hours ago, [[L...] said:

Recently I’ve thought about if maybe rehab and a faster medically supervised detox would be better. 

A detox facility will get you safely off the drug, then send you home to suffer, these places don't understand benzodiazepines and how long it takes to recover.  A slow taper will allow your brain to regain the function the drug disrupted in stages, this will hopefully allow you to remain functional.  

You can still recover from a rapid detox or cold turkey, I did but it was brutal. 

[[Je...]]

Yes as others said please don’t do a detox.  You will end up in such a bad place afterwards and you will most likely end up back on benzos because it will be too tough to handle.  And then you risk kindling making it even harder to get off.  
 

There is really no upside to going to a detox.  They don’t speed up the healing process and they just want your money so of course they will say they will heal you.  All the healing comes in time and you would rather be in pain but functional than completely miserable and unable to function which will both heal, but the first option seems the best 

[[Lo...]]

Thank you for the advice. This is so tough. I just walked out of the house earlier and ran into a group of my neighbors who are super kind and walked up to engage me in a light hearted conversation and it just felt like the biggest task in the world just to get through a quick conversation with them. Partly because I felt disheveled due to the fact that it’s been so hard to maintain basic hygiene during this process. Something they probably didn’t even notice. Who knows, who really cares? No one but me probably. Partly because I feel like my anxiety just beams through me. I spent about an hour ruminating over it. Then just feeling hopeless that this is my reality. Then out of nowhere broke out into a crying fit and tears. I feel so helpless. There has to be something that can help me get through this. I got some exercise in the past couple days. Ive also been drinking and doing ketamine much more than I should. I know I should stop but it’s hard and the environment I’m in doesn’t help. 

[[Ho...]]

I get it—my husband and I just went out to dinner with a friend. Keeping the conversation going was like pushing a huge boulder uphill. When we got home I was exhausted, jittery and so frustrated! I make these plans to be with people and have been for over a year. It's never fun. It's always hard, hard work; I don't feel well, my mind goes to darker places and, well, nothing interests me. But I'm keeping friendships and relationships going as well as I can, and counting on some day enjoying them again.

At least you were in the conversation with your neighbors. You were present. That's enough for now. I've had to exit get-togethers and go to a quiet space to get through the time. These are indeed hard, hard days. 

There really isn't a whole lot you can do to change the pace of your recovery. Eating well may be one thing but it's impossible to know; there are no studies. There is no medical information to lean on. There's just anecdotal information to weed through, but it's something because there's a lot of it. Exercise, good! Excellent! Ketamine, don't know anything about it but if it helps and doesn't harm you, that's a positive (as long as you don't become dependent and have another nasty struggle on your hands.) Alcohol is not your friend. It fuels the symptoms. Somehow it acts like a benzodiazepine on certain receptors. So those receptors, instead of getting the rest they need to come back, learn once again to function and help your thrive—are pushed back. Avoid alcohol. I myself am dying, DYING for a cold beer. But I'm just not interested. It's not worth it. This is already too hard.

Of course you feel helpless! It's incredibly frustrating. Seriously, cruise the boards, look for all the information you can find. Teach yourself. You still won't be in control of the pace of your healing, but it will help you make the best choices for you. You can do this! Thousands have gone before us. We'll get there. 

[[Lo...]]

Thank you for replying HCHC. It helps to know others can relate. I feel for your struggle too. You’re right. We got this.