Taper progress and symptoms

[[Th...]]

I’ve been in a pretty severe wave this week after overdoing it enjoying myself last Saturday. I didn’t think I did that much but more than I normally would and I paid for it. Totally worth it though 😂. Today it felt like the Benzo released its grip on my CNS a little. I harder a bigger range of emotions. Could see some of the ‘withdrawal thinking’ for what it was and was able to move in and out of different emotional states across the day with more flexibility.

I had a deep nap this evening before dinner and woke up feeling rotten! Churning stomach, negative thinking etc. I know it’s just the stupid windows and waves but man come on. It’s Friday and I have two days off. I just wanna chill for a couple of days!!!!!!!

I’ll be fine. This is just withdrawal but it can be hard when you feel a little better only to be thrown back into it. I am grateful though. I know some of you don’t get any windows you poor souls.

I truly believe that anyone battling Benzo withdrawal is a bit of a hero. I’ve never met anyone else who was doing it face to face but I feel like there would be a bit a bond. We’ve survived/are surviving something nobody else could even comprehend.

[[Br...]]

Sounds like you needed to have some fun.  Glad it was totally worth it!

12 hours ago, [[T...] said:

I’ll be fine. This is just withdrawal but it can be hard when you feel a little better only to be thrown back into it.

You're so right - it feels like such a blow when you have a window ripped away and replaced by wave.  It's an injustice and it can be easy to become discouraged.  But your attitude is so positive - it will keep you afloat during the rough patch. Gratitude is so important too.  

12 hours ago, [[T...] said:

I truly believe that anyone battling Benzo withdrawal is a bit of a hero.

For most of us it's a private heroism because we don't want to broadcast a struggle so few people understand butI think we should all get medals!  No doubt there is a bond among us - it's intrinsic to how healing our mutual support is. 

[[Th...]]

Thought I’d check in. A wave hit today and I’ve been scrolling on my phone all day withdrawal running through my head all day. Tried to take the dog for a walk to distract but only made it a few blocks. I’ve been much better in many ways recently. Less severity of symptoms recently until today. This’ll pass eventually too. I have a lot of anxiety lately. It’s pretty hard to endure if I’m honest. But I guess I have a lot going on between withdrawal and a separation. Pretty nervous about being solely responsible for everything in terms of money when my performance at work is the worst it’s ever been. I don’t think I’m at risk of being fired but feel like I should be! Anyway, today’s rough and the anxiety has been REALLY hard. As always I’m terrified it’s forever (the anxiety) and end up looking back through my life trying to work out whether I’ll be ok or not. Which I think ultimately makes me feel worse.

I’ve been accepted for counselling and support by Reconnexion, the benzo clinic here in Victoria. I hope the support makes it a little easier. 
Nearly down to 0.225 mg of clonazepam. It’s really slow going but at least I’m moving forward and I think overall I’m trending better despite some things being harder. Social anxiety is through the roof at the moment. Makes things really hard. But I’m also getting out there much more 🤷‍♂️. Putting myself in social situations that I haven’t for a long time.

Not gonna lie. It’s really hard to live like this and to feel bad for such a long time, not knowing what the future holds. At times my thoughts get really dark. I know that’s pretty common in Benzo withdrawal. I’m glad I have kids. That responsibility has made me keep going when I didn’t think I could.

The success stories help. Particularly where I read ‘yeah I have anxiety but it’s normal anxiety and doesn’t bother me and life is now great’. I can almost dream of what that must be like. 
 

Anyway, guess I just needed to get some things out as today has been really tough. I hope you’re all ok and I know healing is happening for all of us. Keep on fighting!

[[Th...]]

On 10/02/2024 at 09:05, [[B...] said:

For most of us it's a private heroism because we don't want to broadcast a struggle so few people understand butI think we should all get medals!  No doubt there is a bond among us - it's intrinsic to how healing our mutual support is. 

Nobody I know understands. I imagine that’s the case for most people. Not sure I could do this without the various people online. It’s tough!

[[Pa...]]

Gosh @[Th...], I'm sorry to hear you're in a wave, its unbelievable how fast our thoughts can turn dark.  My friend recently experienced a wave and I was amazed at how quickly his thoughts went to colon cancer when his stomach started hurting.  He's been recovered since April last year, happy as a clam then he put on some steroid cream and bam, he got hit and my typically positive friend turned dark. 

You have every right to be concerned about your future in terms of sole support, anyone would be but for someone in the midst of this nightmare, its worse, I'm sure your thoughts are racing. 

Its great to hear you've been putting yourself out there in social situations, I had a really rough time with that so good for you. 

I hope the counseling will be helpful, I hope whoever you talk to has been here, because you're right, we're the only ones who truly understand what this does to us. 

[[Th...]]

3 hours ago, [[P...] said:

Gosh @[Th...], I'm sorry to hear you're in a wave, its unbelievable how fast our thoughts can turn dark.  My friend recently experienced a wave and I was amazed at how quickly his thoughts went to colon cancer when his stomach started hurting.  He's been recovered since April last year, happy as a clam then he put on some steroid cream and bam, he got hit and my typically positive friend turned dark. 

You have every right to be concerned about your future in terms of sole support, anyone would be but for someone in the midst of this nightmare, its worse, I'm sure your thoughts are racing. 

Its great to hear you've been putting yourself out there in social situations, I had a really rough time with that so good for you. 

I hope the counseling will be helpful, I hope whoever you talk to has been here, because you're right, we're the only ones who truly understand what this does to us. 

Thanks Pamster. Did you get past your social anxieties eventually? Did they just fade on their own or was it something you chipped away at over time? I hope the counselling is helpful too. They’re dedicated solely to getting people off benzos so hopefully they’re good at what they do. I’ve heard good things.

Sorry to hear about your friend. I hope they’re ok again now. It’s amazing how when you’re in a wave the worst scenario is the one you focus on.

Edited February 16 by [Th...]

[[Pa...]]

My friends setback lasted about 8 days, he's good now, thank you for your concern.

I didn't have to force or chip away at my social anxieties because when I recovered, I returned to my normal level of activity except for one.  When I was taking Klonopin, I was also dating but I never returned to that activity, I decided to keep my life simple and not take benzo's or date, its worked out well for me. 

[[Th...]]

1 minute ago, [[P...] said:

My friends setback lasted about 8 days, he's good now, thank you for your concern.

I didn't have to force or chip away at my social anxieties because when I recovered, I returned to my normal level of activity except for one.  When I was taking Klonopin, I was also dating but I never returned to that activity, I decided to keep my life simple and not take benzo's or date, its worked out well for me. 

I’m glad your friend is doing better. 8 days is a while but not too bad compared to  some others.

I can understand not wanting to date. It can be complicated and stressful at times when it should make life better 🤷‍♂️.

I don’t remember my normal level of activity at 24 but I know I had friends so I’m assuming my social anxiety wasn’t as bad as it is now. I’ve also done a bunch of therapy since then and am 20 years older so that should make a difference too. Before restarting my taper I was sitting at 0.375mg of clonazepam and did two years of therapy. I got to a point where I had zero anxiety. Would be amazing if that was my baseline now, or something like it. We’ll see in time I guess. Until then I’ll keep facing the difficult situations….

[[Pa...]]

1 hour ago, [[T...] said:

I got to a point where I had zero anxiety.

I'm predicting this will be your baseline when you recover.  It sounds like you've done a ton of work to manage your anxiety, these tools will be useful when you're finally free of the artificial anxiety this process produces.  

[[Th...]]

5 hours ago, [[P...] said:

I'm predicting this will be your baseline when you recover.  It sounds like you've done a ton of work to manage your anxiety, these tools will be useful when you're finally free of the artificial anxiety this process produces.  

Thanks Pamster. You’re always great to chat to. Your name’s known around the web as being super supportive and lovely. People have mentioned you on reddit when talking about benzobuddies 😄. I hope you’re right and that is my baseline. It would mean that every thing I have been through/am going through was worth it.

[[Th...]]

Sick of feeling rough and either lying in bed or on the couch. Mostly I’m there because there’s just no motivation to go anywhere or do anything. I’m burned out from feeling shit for such a long time and I feel like I have such a long way to go before I finish my taper. Then who knows how I’ll be when I get off. I may be ok quickly or it may be years to go. And then I have another med to finish tapering. It’s really hard to just keep going. I can’t even hold my dose for too long as I still get symptoms. I’m just really fatigued and feeling pretty hopeless right now. It’s been such a long time since I felt happy, calm, joy, pleasure, comfortable in my own skin. I’m tapering so slowly. Dropping 0.001mg every second day in an attempt to improve while still tapering. Who knows. Maybe I’ll miraculously start feeling better tomorrow. 

[[Pa...]]

You could miraculously feel better tomorrow, but then of course, the window would close and you'd be right back here again, this process is cruel.  

I get it @[Th...], you're done, I was too, more times than I can count but somehow we keep going because we have no choice.  But you know what, that doesn't mean we have to like it or that we can't complain about it, sometimes we have to let it out so I'm glad you are. 

 

[[...]]

Hi Thorin,

You described this part of the wd experience to a T. I’m right there with you!  Wishing you much rest and comfort.  🫂 

[[Th...]]

10 hours ago, [[P...] said:

You could miraculously feel better tomorrow, but then of course, the window would close and you'd be right back here again, this process is cruel.  

I get it @[Th...], you're done, I was too, more times than I can count but somehow we keep going because we have no choice.  But you know what, that doesn't mean we have to like it or that we can't complain about it, sometimes we have to let it out so I'm glad you are. 

Thanks Pamster. I try to stay positive but sometimes I can’t. Now is one of those times. This is just fucked.

[[Th...]]

[[Kh...]]

2 hours ago, [[T...] said:

Thanks Pamster. I try to stay positive but sometimes I can’t. Now is one of those times. This is just fucked.

I just finished my Taper Thorin and have felt crappy since tolerance back in September.  I have all the same issues you do, so you aren’t alone.  One day at a time I guess.  Hang in there.  We are in this together🙏☺️

Edited February 26 by [Kh...]

[[Th...]]

23 hours ago, [[K...] said:

I just finished my Taper Thorin and have felt crappy since tolerance back in September.  I have all the same issues you do, so you aren’t alone.  One day at a time I guess.  Hang in there.  We are in this together🙏☺️

Thank you for dropping by and posting that. I wish you weren’t going through this but the fact that I’m not the only one normalises it a bit. If you need to chat at all feel free to message any time. And congratulations of jumping! That’s a massive achievement. Well done!

[[Th...]]

Well after feeling so rough I got a little relief today. Woke up and had a window for the day. Yay! Did better at work, felt better all round. I videoed myself so I can look back on it when I’m in my next wave.

[[Pa...]]

51 minutes ago, [[T...] said:

I videoed myself so I can look back on it when I’m in my next wave.

What a great idea, because we know as soon as the window shuts, your brain will again tell you you're hopeless.

I'm so glad you got some relief, its about time! 

[[Th...]]

9 hours ago, [[P...] said:

What a great idea, because we know as soon as the window shuts, your brain will again tell you you're hopeless.

I'm so glad you got some relief, its about time! 

Sure I about time. It’s been brutal for a while!

[[Th...]]

Just had a week of feeling ‘ok’. Went to a concert and everything. Was very happy for bed when it was over though 😂. Back into a wave today but it’s not as bad as they have been which seems like a good sign. I also had therapy for the first time in ages and it shook things up for me. I’ve been sitting here not living life, telling myself I just needed to get through withdrawal and then I would work on myself. Then the other day I had a really good talk with someone and realised I needed more connection and support to help me get through this. Still making progress on my taper. Dropping every second day as that’s all I can tolerate at the moment. But I keep seeing little improvements so maybe I’ll feel well enough to speed up eventually. I still really don’t feel like myself at all but I guess that’s just something that’ll come back with time. And maybe a new me is emerging as well…..

Hope anyone that reads this is doing ok. We’ll get through this if we just keep at it.

[[Pa...]]

Wow, a concert!!  I went to the symphony when I was recovering and couldn't handle it, I had to wait in the lobby for my family but you went to a concert, again, wow! 

I'm reading good things here, and I like the idea of you engaging in life and with people a bit more, I've always said we need to preserve the life we want to step back into when we recover and you are.  Plus, any distraction from our symptoms is a plus.

And yes, you'll be back, you'll finally recognize yourself again and the gratitude you'll experience will feel so good. 

[[Th...]]

Hello whomever reads this. I haven’t been on the site for a little while. More and more I’m away from forums and Facebook pages. I’m still tapering. I just reached a milestone of 0.2mg clonazepam two days ago. I’m holding here for a week or so and then back to tapering. So how am I doing? Well, most days are gruelling. Mornings are horrible but usually improve a little as the day goes on. I’m always symptomatic it’s just days where it’s not too bad and days where I stay on the couch. I’ve taken so many sick days I’m surprised I haven’t been fired. But I still have my job somehow. I push myself to do more and more things. About 2 months ago I spent the afternoon/evening with a friend checking out a car show. That put me into a BAD wave for a little while. But every time I feel better I push myself out again. Last weekend I went out dirt bike riding with one friend and some people I hadn’t met before. I thought it would be ‘beginner’ riding. Nope! It was gnarly and I had a great time! I was fine for the next few days but then had a bit of a wave. The wave was bad but not AS bad as they have been. This week I went on two dates despite my high anxiety and social anxiety that i’ms struggling with. I had a great time! I’ve been through the breakdown of my 10 year relationship and have only just found a house for myself and my two teens to live in. Apart from a 2.5 year period I’ve always lived with friends or a partner so this feels a little like my own first house by myself! I’m nervous and very excited. I really feel like I’m beginning a new chapter of my life! It’s scary but super exciting.

In general, at these low doses, the good times are getting better and the hard times are getting a little harder. Or I’m feeling them more. My emotions have been coming back more and more. I (44m) feel somewhat physically attractive for the first time in a very long time. For a long time I would look In the mirror and I didn’t feel like it was me looking back.

My physical resilience is returning slowly although I have to be mindful of pushing myself too far as it seeks to result in me taking a day or two off work and I need to stop that. I’m able to put in more at work recently. For a long time I just couldn’t get through the day.

So day to day life is a struggle but when I look at what I’m doing with my life I see a lot of improvements. I wish I could taper faster but will continue at this slow pace as I seem to be both tapering and slowly improving at the same time. If I start to feel a bit better than I am then I will try to speed up a little.

Keep going everyone. This is so hard but all it takes is days behind us and we heal!