Reinstated: Should I stay on?

[[Ni...]]

Hi all,

@[Pa...] I know you have C/T before and would love your thoughts here.

I rapidly tapered off 1.5ish mg’s of Lorazepam in one month that I was taking for 2.5 years. I, like many was ill informed of this process and that’s why I did it. I heard about how difficult withdrawal can be so I braced for it during this time and knew what I was experiencing was withdrawal.

I made it just over 3 months staying off and I actually did see improvement in some symptoms, even though I was basically bed bound the first 6 weeks and it has been excruciating. My worst symptoms have been terrifying fear of everything, anxiety, vibrating, depression, intense sensitivity to noise and sound (jump at any noise). The worst symptom has been the hypnic jerks. I actually feel exhausted most nights and all I want to do is sleep, but every time I close my eyes I have a sensation of falling and my body will startle and pump adrenaline. This will happen prob 50 times on nights when I have it and it renders me unable to sleep, even tho I’m exhausted. 
 

Because of the intense hypnic jerks and not sleeping, after contemplating it for weeks I decided to try reinstating to see if I could get some relief. I’ve only reinstated on a very small dose (.5-2mgs) Valium and have been trying to see if a dose in between there would help. Going higher (say 5mg’s) just makes me feel depressed and it’s not any easier to handle. I had some relief the first week or two but now it just feels the same as when I was off, same terrible symptoms.

Looking for thoughts on this. It makes sense that one would try to add a little bit back in and taper slow, but if it’s not providing any consistent relief then I question why I’m even doing it. I purposely didn’t go back on a higher dose because if it didn’t work I didn’t want to be stuck on that higher dose now. I’m considering just coming off this low dose again and trying to find other ways to make it through. Hopefully that wouldn’t be too big a shock considering it’s so low and it’s only been a few weeks.
 

if anyone has any thoughts please let me know! Thank you very much

nick

[[Pa...]]

I'm sorry to hear you had to reinstate but your nights sounded horrific, are you still experiencing the jerks on the Valium, we probably need to know this first.

 

[[Ni...]]

Yes I still am. It seems to be the same as when I was off it unfortunately. About every other night I will have the jerks until 4am.

I was so hesitant to reinstate as I thought maybe I was close to some of those worst things improving but it just became too much. I was also in tolerance/interdose withdrawals for a while before getting off and didn’t know that’s what it was. So I don’t necessarily feel good on it either. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I guess I’m just looking for any thoughts on if it even makes sense to try to stay on it. Or if others who have C/T have felt similar to me and it gets better. 

[[du...]]

@[Ni...]i have a similar experience to to so maybe I can help you out. I was on .5mg of Ativan and tapered off in about a timespan of a month. After 4 days I was feeling everything you experienced and begging to die. Thanks to my wife and doc they switched me over the Valium and I’ve been on it for a month (5mg x2) the first couple days continued to be hell but I’m am to the point where I can sleep and go to work. My first cut is next Tuesday. Unfortunately I can’t tell you what to do. You have made it far but I understand the pain of the suffering. Prayers up my friend.

 

 

[[Es...]]

@[Ni...]

I also reinstated. Diazepam in my case. I guess the priority is to reduce the suffering and you need to find the dose that will work for you, together with your doctor. The point is to be functional enough and to reduce the suffering. Some people just cannot handle being off the BZD. I'm not saying you're one of them, it's only for medical professional to determine. Sometimes an adjacent med helps reduce the BZD. It works in my case. There is a whole chapter in Ashton's manual on it, but if you have a good, benzo-wise doctor, they may be helpful. Lorazepam is a nasty med, BTW. You could consider switching to diazepam, but it's between you and your doctor.

[[Ni...]]

@[du...] thank you for responding! It is very helpful to hear your experience. It truly has been almost unbearable. I’m not sure if I’m being stupid by thinking I can ride it out or if I should be back on like yourself. 

did your doc mention if dosing Valium two times a day is better? Mine said it only needs to be taken once but I’m wondering if 2x is better for tapering 
 

[[du...]]

@[Ni...]yeah that’s a call you’ll have to decide yourself. I didn’t have much of an option to CT because I am at a crazy point in my life where I cannot take a leave to heal. The idea behind twice a day was to make sure I was sleeping at night. As you know valiums half life is almost 200 hours so I think it was strictly a placebo thing to split it twice a day instead of once a day. Also referring the to AM 10mg of Valium is really close to 1mg of Ativan which is where I was.

[[Ni...]]

@[Es...]thanks so much for responding and for your point of view. It makes sense that at this time the main goal is to reduce suffering. He did switch me over to diazepam, I just wasn’t sure if I should try to do that or try to continue with being off. So many people talk about how you should never reinstate and that always scared me. Maybe I let that influence me too much. 
 

how has your reinstatement gone? Did you find it easier to handle vs staying off

 

[[Es...]]

@[Ni...]

Look, the diazepam is considered "the most depressing drug on Earth". But it descends from the Devil, which is BZD. I'm also on fluoxetine. I manage. My life situation is terrible at present, not because of the diazepam only.

My life situation has always been terrible, but I felt better earning good money. "Not at the cost of your life", I heard from two different doctors twice. My approach is harm reduction. As long as you do your best to hold, taper, you're safe. There are many people who are not 100% "clean" and you don't have to be either. As long as you strive for a clear mind.

I have double diagnosis. Felt sick at age 14, BZD dependence was secondary. The more functional you are, the better. The more you find something, someone, to believe in, instead of this little pill, the better.

Have you ever wondered how much of our dependence is psychological? You have nothing to prove to anyone. You have no one to compare yourself to, here or elsewhere. Except your previous self. It's good to have role models. But check if they are genuine first. Whitney Houston used to be my role model when I was a teen. "Not all that glitters is gold". 

While I'm here, I want to recommend you an excellent book by a Stanford psychiatry professor specializing in different addictions, dr Anna Lembke. You'll also find many interviews with her on YouTube. I love the woman. I love how she's talking about "radical honesty" and actually implementing it in life. The woman walks the talk. The book is "Dopamine Nation". It's great to listen to, cause she's the one who's reading. Must go. Take care🤍

[[Ha...]]

Unfortunately there's a bit of a time limit on trying to reinstate. You have more chance in the 1st month of it being successful. That being said, some can still reinstate at a later date. Just your chances are lower of it working.

I kept on reinstating as I didn't realise what was going on, and eventually it went paradoxical on me. It's a tricky situation to be in and I feel for you. How long has it been since you reinstated?

There was a pinned post here before the move to the new site on reinstating. In that there was talk of certain doctors reinstating slowly, 1mg at a time until relief was found. I'm not advising you to do that, but pointing out you said 5mg made you depressed. So maybe that's too high? 

Here's the thread if you haven't seen it. It has some good information on it 

 

[[Ni...]]

@[Ha...]thank you for the support. When you reinstated how did you know when it was paradoxical? And how did you manage to get through if you had to come off again?

 

thank you for forwarding the thread. I agree completely with your logic. I thought the same thing. If 5mg’s makes you feel depressed then maybe a dose under that can help and then you taper from there. That’s what I’m currently trying 

[[Ha...]]

5 minutes ago, [[N...] said:

@[Ha...]thank you for the support. When you reinstated how did you know when it was paradoxical? And how did you manage to get through if you had to come off again?

thank you for forwarding the thread. I agree completely with your logic. I thought the same thing. If 5mg’s makes you feel depressed then maybe a dose under that can help and then you taper from there. That’s what I’m currently trying 

I could never get a stable dose. But didn't really understand what was going on at the time. I thought I had some rare disease. I'd have a months script and stop as I didn't want to get addicted. Then get another month a month later and couldn't work out why I was getting worse.

Anyway the last dose was 30mg and I didn't sleep for 2 weeks, and never really come down since. Found this place and realised what had been happening for the past few years. I ended up in the ER 3 months later and they tried to reinstate me. But by that time it was too late and 1mg made me feel worse.