Struggle Special Occasions

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So it’s my birthday. I’ve always loved my birthday this is my first since tapering as I started last October. I woke up today 39 years old but feel like I’m about 80. Never felt so much pain and I’m beginning to think the cold I had last week may have been COVID but not for sure. 

I am very sad my wife and kids woke up early to send me off to work and sang me happy birthday and had me open their presents they got for me. It truly was special. Now I’m here at work and I know people are going to be calling and texting birthday wishes which I am grateful for but for whatever reason I just feel so frustrated right now. I’m scared when I look into my kiddos eyes who love their Dad and wonder if I am going to be able to get through this cruel withdrawal. Am I going to be able to maintain the strength to be there for them in all the ways a Dad should. When I look at my beautiful wife and struggle knowing that in this season I am not the best husband I could be. 

I want to see my kids grow up, I want to live a life filled with love joy and laughter. It’s all I’ve ever wanted and it is pretty much up until the past few months all I’ve ever done. How do we get through withdrawal from this medicine while still providing and loving our families? 

I had a birthday dinner last night at a restaurant with my mother and siblings my kids nieces and nephews. It was a beautiful thing having everyone around. Unfortunately my back was spasming the entire time and my sensitive nervous system was hit by the loud noises. I pushed through though because these family moments are what I live for. If it’s not for family I don’t think there is much reason to fight. 

For those who have been through it with kids and a spouse what did you do to keep positive and present with the family while struggling through withdrawal. When I hear people take 5 years to recover or 7 or more and they were on the medicine shorter then me I start to look at my children and think really so these kids are going to have to watch their Dad suffer until they are 14? I am going to miss out on the prime of their life where I have always coached them in sports attended all their school functions etc. Do they really have to miss out on their Dad for that long which leads me to a question. I was always productive on this medicine. I was given the medicine from mg Doctor from the time I was 18. Now I am 39 years old and I was productive, I was a present father and a loving husband. 

Then when my Doctor said I think we should get off this I listened. She drew me up a two week taper plan for a 20 year prescription and I said thanks for being my doctor but you are obviously oblivious to what you have prescribed all these years. I then went to a psychiatrist who has left tapering up to me and my symptoms. Little did I know cutting in .50 increments was not smart and getting to .50 from 2 MG a day in that way has really hurt.

I would love to hear your thoughts. if this medicine was my insulin for all these years did I make the right choice in listening to the doctor who prescribed these for all this time to get off? Should I have stayed on the medicine? I am only asking in a way because I was an amazing husband and father at my baseline on this on the medicine. Coming off I am a fraction of all the things that I once was. It’s very sad and to know my kids see me struggle is so hard. To have to explain to them dad is hurting because the medicine a doctor gave him is heartbreaking. Has anyone else struggled with birthdays or holidays? I guess to me it was hard as I can’t drink my birthday coffee or eat my birthday cake now because sugar and caffeine increase my anxiety.

Thanks for listening. I hope everyone has the best day possible and keep putting one foot in front of the other. This is a battle like no other but victory can be ours in the present even if small ones day by day eventually the white flag will be raised and benzos will be a thing of your past and mine.

 

[[ne...]]

I relate to so much of this as a new 40 year old married mom to two young kids. SOOO many of these thoughts rush through my mind. I truly believe duration does not matter; once the dependency/adaptation is in place, no matter when that happened, that's what takes healing. It happened to me after being on for 5/6 weeks. I CTed not knowing why I was feeling weird and had to reinstate after 8 days to then taper for 8 months. I am now off 8 months with physical symptoms that are difficult but you/we can do this. My functioning is not as great as it once was but I'm at least able to put on an act (though it's not fun for me) around my kids. My husband knows it's a struggle and understands. I have never been one to fake anything so he really grasps how this must be affecting me. 

 

The best thing to do is get away from this drug by tapering at your speed so you can get off and heal. You may also be someone who heals early and/or heals on the way down. You can do this. I relate to your post entirely. 

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Thanks @[ne...]i appreciate your encouragement. Great job getting off the med and best of luck in continued recovery.