Confusion, panic, can't make decisions, overwhelmed

[[wh...]]

Everything just seems very overwhelming and every time I try to start going through something I get overwhelmed and confused and just end up giving up and getting back into bed.

I know I should be forcing myself to do it but I just seem incapable.

I'm currently not eating properly because even the idea of combining multiple ingredients of food to make a meal seems confusing.

I have loads of things I need to do but I just seem to be stuck in bed incapable.

I was on for about a year using 5-10mg valium a day, sometimes Xanax if I couldn't get valium. I did a gradual taper over about 3 weeks or so and then jumped about about 6 weeks ago.

Symptoms have gotten progressively worse and seem to be getting worse not better. I am completely apathetic and can hardly get out of bed. I have bouts of extreme panic where I just end up pacing in my room. Constantly have this weird feeling that I can't quite describe. No desire to respond to messages or interact with people (have weeks of messages that I've just ignored). I have withdrawn from life completely, I was working when I began my taper but after I jumped I had to quit because I was making loads of mistakes and was basically unable to converse with the people I was working with.

On top of this not long before I started to come off I had a manic episode and bought a car on finance that I can't afford and spent a 15k loan in 2 months. I have no income to repay anything and I'm currently bedbound with all these symptoms. 

Every time I try and think positively I just get overwhelmed with either the debt or my symptoms or both.

To give an example of my current situation. Led in bed with no food in the cupboards, try and get up to get dressed to go to the shop and my thoughts will go:

- can't afford food anyway, what about the debt

- can't drive my car as it's not even mine and I can't afford it

- need to make a list before I go shopping or I won't be able to buy anything

- need to shower before I go

- can't do any of this anyway because my brain is fried

Then I just get paralysed and overwhelmed and get back into bed. Been like this for weeks now. It's a miracle I'm still here as the suicidal ideation is strong and relentless.

[[Pa...]]

Hello whackekoutshit, welcome to BenzoBuddies,

Your taper was very rapid, we suggest reducing by about 5-10% every couple of weeks, this can allow your brain to recover as you taper off the drug, yours didn't get that opportunity.  Even with a slow taper, our recovery from this drug can take longer than the taper.  

What you're experiencing is normal and it can last awhile so I hope you can find a way to manage what you're feeling so you can preserve the life you need to rejoin when you recover.

You'll find people here who know exactly what you're feeling and there is comfort in that, but you'll also hear about tips for surviving this.  Keep reaching out and learn all you can about this process because that's the only way to dispel the fear and hopelessness we feel.

Pamster

[[Fa...]]

Hi WOS,

So, you are in acute withdrawal from a rapid taper which is just like a CT.  I am very sorry for your suffering, and I can relate to all of what you say...and, I'm still tapering.  I have rapid tapered off once, and I know how it feels.  You are off the drugs now, and they are out of your system.  Now, it's time to heal.  And, you don't need to shower before you head out...not a priority during this time.  However, it may make you feel a bit better psychologically.  But, it should not stop you from heading out if you feel you can.

First thing...eating and staying hydrated right now is your priority.  Make eating as simple as possible for yourself.  I'm not sure what you can tolerate or what your diet is, but it would be very good to get some meal replacement shakes to have/protein shakes...as many as you can for when you feel as though you simply can't do anything else.

When you can get yourself up and out to get groceries, stick to simple.  Options would be frozen dinners,  make batches of food so you don't have to prepare every meal.  Mashed potatoes/rice, a veggie you like.  Even make them up and freeze portions so you can just pull them out and microwave.  Same for whatever meat you choose, if you eat meat/fish.  Protein very important...lots of eggs for now if you like them.  You can hard boil them and keep them in the fridge to grab.  A block of cheese on hand...easy to cut a piece and get it into you without prep.  Fruit...just grab and eat.

I know money is tight, but food is non-negotiable.  And, you have to keep up your energy along with hydration...lots of water...and, keep it as simple as possible.  Do you have anyone that can help you get groceries?  If not, can you have them delivered if you can't get out?  The car can be dealt with when the time comes.

And, don't think too far out...just think one thing at a time.  Your grocery list will not have to be long and complicated...but, simple with the staples you will need over the next while.  Again, I do not know your diet, but the idea is to make things as simple as possible. 

S/I is common during this, and the intense panic and pacing is normal as well in acute.  Terrible, but normal.  Know this acute phase will pass, and just keep going minute by minute because you can do it!    We have to keep your body nourished to move through it.

In terms of showers...I have dealt/deal with extreme symptoms.  In order to snap me out of panic/AKA, I will end my shower with a long cold blast to shock my system...including my face.  It can bring things down a bit for a while.  It's not comfortable, but it is a tool, and many get some relief from it...temporary, but relief.  

Sending you much healing.  Please keep checking in to let us know how you are doing.

Warmly,

F

 

[[wh...]]

6 hours ago, [[P...] said:

Hello whackekoutshit, welcome to BenzoBuddies,

Your taper was very rapid, we suggest reducing by about 5-10% every couple of weeks, this can allow your brain to recover as you taper off the drug, yours didn't get that opportunity.  Even with a slow taper, our recovery from this drug can take longer than the taper.  

What you're experiencing is normal and it can last awhile so I hope you can find a way to manage what you're feeling so you can preserve the life you need to rejoin when you recover.

You'll find people here who know exactly what you're feeling and there is comfort in that, but you'll also hear about tips for surviving this.  Keep reaching out and learn all you can about this process because that's the only way to dispel the fear and hopelessness we feel.

Pamster

What do you think about reinstating at this point so that I'm more able to function/work etc? Is it worth giving it a try for a few days to see if it improves symptoms?

[[wh...]]

6 hours ago, [[F...] said:

Hi WOS,

So, you are in acute withdrawal from a rapid taper which is just like a CT.  I am very sorry for your suffering, and I can relate to all of what you say...and, I'm still tapering.  I have rapid tapered off once, and I know how it feels.  You are off the drugs now, and they are out of your system.  Now, it's time to heal.  And, you don't need to shower before you head out...not a priority during this time.  However, it may make you feel a bit better psychologically.  But, it should not stop you from heading out if you feel you can.

First thing...eating and staying hydrated right now is your priority.  Make eating as simple as possible for yourself.  I'm not sure what you can tolerate or what your diet is, but it would be very good to get some meal replacement shakes to have/protein shakes...as many as you can for when you feel as though you simply can't do anything else.

When you can get yourself up and out to get groceries, stick to simple.  Options would be frozen dinners,  make batches of food so you don't have to prepare every meal.  Mashed potatoes/rice, a veggie you like.  Even make them up and freeze portions so you can just pull them out and microwave.  Same for whatever meat you choose, if you eat meat/fish.  Protein very important...lots of eggs for now if you like them.  You can hard boil them and keep them in the fridge to grab.  A block of cheese on hand...easy to cut a piece and get it into you without prep.  Fruit...just grab and eat.

I know money is tight, but food is non-negotiable.  And, you have to keep up your energy along with hydration...lots of water...and, keep it as simple as possible.  Do you have anyone that can help you get groceries?  If not, can you have them delivered if you can't get out?  The car can be dealt with when the time comes.

And, don't think too far out...just think one thing at a time.  Your grocery list will not have to be long and complicated...but, simple with the staples you will need over the next while.  Again, I do not know your diet, but the idea is to make things as simple as possible. 

S/I is common during this, and the intense panic and pacing is normal as well in acute.  Terrible, but normal.  Know this acute phase will pass, and just keep going minute by minute because you can do it!    We have to keep your body nourished to move through it.

In terms of showers...I have dealt/deal with extreme symptoms.  In order to snap me out of panic/AKA, I will end my shower with a long cold blast to shock my system...including my face.  It can bring things down a bit for a while.  It's not comfortable, but it is a tool, and many get some relief from it...temporary, but relief.  

Sending you much healing.  Please keep checking in to let us know how you are doing.

Warmly,

F

 

Thanks for all the kind advice, some food ideas in there.

I'm lucky that I do have family that can support me and I have been toying with the idea of moving back in with my mum whilst I'm in recovery but ideally I want to try and stick it out as I see that as too much of a setback.

Trying to stay as well nourished as possible but it's hard to keep a positive mindset and I'm generally pretty good at self destruction regardless of benzo use. 

I've suffered from depersonalisation for a long time and was taking the valium to help alleviate the anxiety from that so it's hard to keep a positive mindset about withdrawal because my mind wants to tell me that even when I'm recovered from the withdrawals I'll still have the depersonalisation so what's the point.

Hopefully this journey will teach me to have a more positive mindset.

[[Pa...]]

4 hours ago, [[w...] said:

What do you think about reinstating at this point so that I'm more able to function/work etc? Is it worth giving it a try for a few days to see if it improves symptoms?

Tough question with no good answer.  I've seen some members reinstate and say it was the right thing for them, others have terrible regrets because they end up in the same place.  They reinstate, they suffer through the taper, they jump off the drug and then have to suffer through recovery.  

Have you used benzodiazepines in the past?