For protracted: loneliness, loss of self, etc..

[[Wi...]]

 

Hi everyone.

Just checking in to see, if other protracted people are still dealing with something like this? (Please be at least 32-36 + months off!) I know most people who read these are a bit earlier on their journey but this doesn’t apply to you because these symptoms might go away for you much quicker. Just to say that I am a severe case, still housebound with a lot of injury and symptoms, need to mostly rest and physically disabled by med injuries so I need a walker when I am able to walk few steps outside. 

Despite my many coping tools and practices, I cannot shake this deep sense of loneliness and loss of self that permeates everything. I have my safe person (my caregiver) who I trust and find that they are the only person I can feel somewhat safe around finally. 

When I am home alone, I feel like I am in a void and just passing time until my caregivers come home. They need to be right in front of me in order to feel like I exists. I have no desires, no impulse to contact people or do anything really. It’s almost like I forgot how to be an adult human. 

I have no idea how I am going to build my life from scratch again and live alone again without support. I don’t know how I am going to do it after such traumatic experience where I have needed someone’s help 24/7 for years. I am 34 years old and did live most of my adult life alone, but in hindsight I always struggled with it. And now I don’t trust myself or my own judgement at all because all my decisions led me here.

It seems I’m always going on about this same subject. I guess I don’t need advice, just needed to share, in case someone understands or can relate.

 

[[Ho...]]

I think I can relate, although I'm at the other end of the age spectrum! I'm almost a year out and the physical symptoms are lighter. The depression is, too. But I'm not myself. I rarely find anything funny, or get excited about doing anything. Mostly I just watch TV. I've started reading again; for the longest time, I couldn't. But there's no zest to live or excitement about the future, because I just don't have much to look forward to. I've been unwell on one score or another for the past four years, and my 'quality of life' hit the skids. I used to have a small business, but it bit the dust because of this, and Covid. 

Once a week I watch one of my grandchildren. He has a genetic flaw; he's missing a potassium channel in his neurons. Irreplaceable. Because of this, he can't walk, can't focus easily, can't talk and it takes great effort for him to move at all. He's just started to hold up his head sometimes and he's four. He can't turn over in bed. He's just inside that inert body and some days, he's suffering. Sometimes more, sometimes less. So when I look at him I just feel like I shouldn't complain. 

I have another grandson staying with us for a few weeks until he goes to the University of Arizona. He's 6'3", athletic, smart and has the whole world ahead of him. He eats life up. He looks forward to everything. That's what I miss; looking forward. You're so young you could have another degree or a whole new career in your future. Not now! But some day. It really could happen, and I hope it does.

I hope you year from a more protracted user because you deserve it!

[[Ho...]]

You might enjoy this talk from Baylissa Frederick. It's very encouraging and down-to-earth regarding protracted healing.

 

[[lo...]]

14 hours ago, [[W...] said:

Hi everyone.

Just checking in to see, if other protracted people are still dealing with something like this? (Please be at least 32-36 + months off!) I know most people who read these are a bit earlier on their journey but this doesn’t apply to you because these symptoms might go away for you much quicker. Just to say that I am still housebound with a lot of injury and symptoms, need to mostly rest and need a walker when I am able to walk few steps outside. 

Despite my many coping tools and practices, I cannot shake this deep sense of loneliness and loss of self that permeates everything. I have my safe person (my caregiver) who I trust and find that they are the only person I can feel somewhat safe around finally. 

When I am home alone, I feel like I am in a void and just passing time until my caregivers come home. They need to be right in front of me in order to feel like I exists. I have no desires, no impulse to contact people or do anything really. It’s almost like I forgot how to be an adult human. 

I have no idea how I am going to build my life from scratch again and live alone again without support. I don’t know how I am going to do it after such traumatic experience where I have needed someone’s help 24/7 for years. I am 34 years old and did live most of my adult life alone, but in hindsight I always struggled with it. And now I don’t trust myself or my own judgement at all because all my decisions led me here.

It seems I’m always going on about this same subject. I guess I don’t need advice, just needed to share, in case someone understands or can relate.

I am sorry your life has been devastated to this extent.  I can relate to some of what you are feeling.   I have found that many of the problems I had were due to brain changes from the drugs, quite bad DP/DR, it has taken a number of years to trying to re-engage with the outside world for many things to start to feel more normal again.  It was very difficult to try to function when I felt weird and the external world looked weird.  I still get these feelings of being entirely alone and it happens very quickly after I have left the company of someone else.  I don't know why that is.  It feels like a sense of abandonment.  I wonder if it has something to do with the brain changes.  I hope you can find ways that will help to improve how you are feeling. 

[Guest [...]]

Fiona I miss you ♥️

[Guest [...]]

I cant seem to get comfortable here, it’s going to take some time to get used to this place. 

[[lo...]]

Hi Jacky, I don't feel comfortable here either, it is quite a big change and difficult to adapt to when the brain has been addled by benzos!!   Just try to focus on the bits you have an interest in and ignore the rest.   Post in my blog when you feel able to. Take care.  I can't even find the emojis I want. 

 

 

[Guest [...]]

Fiona where’s your blog? 

[[Wi...]]

On 7/31/2023 at 4:35 AM, [[H...] said:

 You're so young you could have another degree or a whole new career in your future. Not now! But some day. It really could happen, and I hope it does.

I hope you year from a more protracted user because you deserve it!

Thank you for your kindness and for taking the time to answer me! Sending you healing wishes.

[[Wi...]]

On 7/31/2023 at 9:25 AM, [[l...] said:

I am sorry your life has been devastated to this extent.  I can relate to some of what you are feeling.   I have found that many of the problems I had were due to brain changes from the drugs, quite bad DP/DR, it has taken a number of years to trying to re-engage with the outside world for many things to start to feel more normal again.  It was very difficult to try to function when I felt weird and the external world looked weird.  I still get these feelings of being entirely alone and it happens very quickly after I have left the company of someone else.  I don't know why that is.  It feels like a sense of abandonment.  I wonder if it has something to do with the brain changes.  I hope you can find ways that will help to improve how you are feeling. 

Thank you for answering! Yes, it is a really really deep sense of abandonment and loneliness. Dpdr have been one of my worst symptoms since 2017. They have been non stop I am sure they play a huge role. Not able to connect to any purpose or myself. 
 

Sending you healing wishes.

[[Wi...]]

On 7/31/2023 at 2:16 PM, [[l...] said:

Hi Jacky, I don't feel comfortable here either, it is quite a big change and difficult to adapt to when the brain has been addled by benzos!!   Just try to focus on the bits you have an interest in and ignore the rest.   Post in my blog when you feel able to. Take care.  I can't even find the emojis I want. 

 

 

I guess this must be why there isn’t that much conversation here right now. People are struggling with this new format..? 

[[St...]]

Hi Wildling,  I have the same kind of feelings, I'm almost finished with my taper (at .09mg).  I am not used to the new format and it feels like something is missing.  The signatures being in posts would be helpful because in the past when I could easily see where a person was I felt less alone, or so they made it and were just like me...   I didn't reply to your original post here because you asked for people who were off a long time.  I hope you are feeling better soon.  

[[Wi...]]

On 8/2/2023 at 5:58 PM, [[S...] said:

Hi Wildling,  I have the same kind of feelings, I'm almost finished with my taper (at .09mg).  I am not used to the new format and it feels like something is missing.  The signatures being in posts would be helpful because in the past when I could easily see where a person was I felt less alone, or so they made it and were just like me...   I didn't reply to your original post here because you asked for people who were off a long time.  I hope you are feeling better soon.  

Yes, I guess that it takes time for people to get used to this format and some people might not have the cognitive capacity right now - I certainly had my struggles and couldn’t have figured it out in the past with how badly I was. It’s still bad and takes time but I have a bit more patience with it right now. 

Mostly because I am so terribly alone and need a lot of support. 

it’s definitely weird how the signatures aren’t showing? I could edit mine in the profile but it doesn’t show when I post. 

All the best to your tapering journey and jump!