DEPENDANCE VS ADDICTION ANY LIGHTBULBS

[[Be...]]

I'm clueless on exactly where to post this... so I'm going old school... posting under the Subject... now Title... I first posted under on the old forum...

 

It’s been a bit since I posted on this site… the reasons I came here… a safe environment where I could share life without Clonazepam… any BENZO in my opinion… with others who truly could relate has been destroyed…

I have enough wide-awake nightmares… the decision to update I accept… not the way it was implemented… I’d think knowing how difficult change is for us… overwhelming too much information can be… would have been at least felt… it’s called empathy… it seems perhaps the powers that be haven’t walked in our shoes…

Small increments… acknowledging each step by users… not kinda sorta it’s coming… locked out… waiting… coming back to this… I started getting comfortable enough to add my actual picture… quote I gave great thought to express myself… gone… I guess to those clouds in the sky where everything seems to disappear to… along with being able to login in with my chosen username…

I don’t care to be "Pamstered"… I’m a grown adult… I will say my mind has regressed to a infant’s operating system… kinda like “The Curious Life of Benjamin Button”… only I’ve gone backwards still in an adult body… with adult decisions to make… they’re just not making sense getting out to all the systems operating my body…

I’m lost a lot… I got really lost in this new forum… I’m not big on technologies fast pace… just when I get it… it takes off again… I see my grandchildren’s brains melting… they don’t understand the need to unplug…  Clonazepam did the same to my mind… only the meltdowns come in the form of what I refer to as M+M (Meltdown Monster)…

These past few days poor Bailey and Harley (my pups) have gotten the brunt of pure rage to tears to… well you probably get it… I’ve been of Clonazepam since around mid-Apr 2022… although it’s not in my genes… the side effects are best defined as a little bit of…

OCD (everything has to have a place or I go nuts trying to figure out what goes with what) + Amnesia (have a monthly, weekly, & daily calendar I have to keep or I 4get EVN the basic things I need to do… like brush my teeth) + ADD that’s a given + Dementia (my words get all jumbled up I tend to have some speech impairment) + Downs Syndrome (my eyes are wicked red sunken in) + Alzheimer (forget so many things I was just doing) + Anorexic (my weight has dropped significantly from around 170 early OCT 2022 to 110 now yet I eat EVEN though I’m not hungry) + Respiratory Problems (@ night is the hardest to breath & my nose is always plugged with dried up snot) + Arthritis (every joint is in pain)  + Brain on Fire (M+M comes out & my mind heats up) + Autistic (there’s not one sensory mechanism that ain’t ramped up) +  well it’s pretty obvious I’ve had my fair share of side effects!

If anyone is wondering what has my life been like on prescribed Clonazepam… tapering… now off…

As easy as breathing, smooth as drinking a cold glass of water on a hot summers day, eating a big bowl of popcorn (no butter) watching a home movie. Coming off, it’s kinda a mix between: Riding a Long Black Crazy Train, to Go Ask Alice, ooh that smell What’s That Smell, Hello is Anybody In There. A carousel ride never ending, Ferris wheel that keeps spinning, basically hell.  Being stuck in a nightmare only to wake up to one, going back to sleep in one, repeat … circle … let’s do it again.

So I’m not sure how long… but I need to put myself on a timeout… I just needed to let anyone who may be missing me here to know I’m okay… I’m asking the moderators not to bother me.. at this point my trust with this site helping me is at a low… I don’t need a pep reply encouraging me to post my feeling about the new forum… I have now!

BenzoVet2006… inside the upside down world… finding my way out to a life beyond my wildest dreams…

 

 

 

[[Be...]]

Just a touch and go... still fuming over this change... too massive too quick... since profane language is not allowed... why is beyond me unless there are virgin eyes in this forum... I believe a thread could be started on new words needed adding to all dictionaries relating to the side effects of BENZO withdrawal... as I have posted before... I fail to see any prescription under BENZO that has not had universal side effects... perhaps there are some...

I only stopped by to not see what I saw... apparently "freeme" has started following me... I'm good with it... mind you I tend to be a little paranoid these days... not "conspiracy theory"... questioning something happening... hoping it's not another side effect... then yeah it is...

I do have all the notifications set properly... guess the site takes a while to update my saved preferences... even though they've been there a while...

I do not believe in letting people just hang in mid air.... so "freeme" this is for you to be honest... when I saw you started following me this past Sunday my heart sank... had I known I certainly would have thanked you... and replied in some way... I dropped by your area... the picture.. not a tech person so I'm clueless what it's proper name is... the one you identify your journey with... it's beautiful... tranquil while braving the storms life refuses to yield for just a brief while so time can be taken adjusting to life with no BENZO prescription...

I keep seeing a message above I need to update my email... it is... has been what I see every time I came on this new forum... nothing actually bothered me before... now the slightest anything can devastate the moment... my pups Bailey and Harley are laying on their respective beds... they seem to be at peace...

It's so memorizing just watching them lay perfectly still... chest slowly breathing in and out... I long for such peace... I'm not greedy... a brief pause would be welcomed...

My beautiful Bailey and handsome Harley have suffered greatly... I took Harley to the vet when I started forced self-tapering... Harley constantly threw up randomly... logs were kept no correlation in throwing up and anything... I started thinking... nah... yes... his veterinarian agreed with me... Harley is an Empath Dog... really... he feels my emotions... Bailey Autism... yes... Dog Autism...

I will admit I find it comporting at times to look into each of there eyes after M+M (meltdown monster) has run back inside me... "Are you okay now... I promise not to do whatever ignited M+M" ... that's the message in both their eyes... I watch the terror in Bailey's... frozen in Harley...

Living alone they seem to be the closest living thing to scream curse cry., etc. when it's over I calmly beg their forgiveness with another broken promise it's over...

I'll close... again.. "freeme" thank you so very much for stopping by... I will make no promises when I may stop by again... personally I'm still evaluating the need for this forum in my journey beyond prescribed any mental health drug... I've been without 1 since around 9/22... the others... mid-APR... certainty of dates... got me... I quit... I have no desire to remember when... nor to reflect back on the horror memories relating to prescribed Clonazapem.

BenzoVet2006 Out!  "inside the upside down world finding light through the darkness of Clonazapem Dependency withdrawals"

[[fr...]]

I started following you because you came to our little village.  Seems we can’t have it anymore so I’m lost right now. No need to worry about me.  If you prefer I will unfollow you.   God bless.  🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️❤️

[[Be...]]

freeme... just wanted to touch base with you... I did reply to your reply... I believe it was late this past Friday... I've addressed with a Moderator the complete disappearance of my reply when I selected submit.

I do not like to be kept hanging on... especially with all these whacked out side effects... I just wanted you to know you can follow me wherever I have no idea where I'm going... so if you prefer my company... we can stay lost together...

I do worry... not excessively... it's called compassion... empathy... I have walked in the shoes of BENZO madness... when I sense someone is hurting... I remember how I hurt... surely need someone to be human enough to at least offer a band-aid.

Nothing I could ever say will heal the wound inflicted upon you when the first BENZO prescription was written... you have to find out what treatment works... I am not advocating a 12 step treatment... although when I was a drug and alcohol counselor for 4 years in the USN... I saw credibility in how those who "when you work the program it works... keep working it"...

I also saw those who tried to skip from step 1 to 13...  I will let no one entertain I am addicted to any BENZO... my heart cries for those who aren't... I know for me the blessing of a 12 step group... their 24/7/365 come in... call... sponsorship would have been welcomed.

I also know from attending AA... NA... all required as part of my schooling... it was clear between the OPEN meetings I was allowed to attend & the CLOSED intended for only those who believed the applicable program fit them.

I just don't fit... nor will I pretend to... I will not use the sanctuary of what is helping them... knowing it will not help me. Just s I would be offended by anyone posing to be a TRUE BENZO BUDDIES... then finding out they were not... I surely don't need fake people in my life!

BENZOVet2006 "Inside the upside down BENZO world... w/only a flicker of light finding my way out"

 

[[fr...]]

❤️❤️❤️🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[[Be...]]

I did the most terrifying thing this past Monday... I have Grave's Disease... my Thyroid was received "Oblation"... it was annihilated with radiation... the USN Captain said "I gave you far too much radiation... but don't worry, there's a prescription I can write for your Thyroid Gland to function properly... you'll have to take it for the rest of your life"... GO FIGURE!!!

Since then, my TSH T4 T3 has always bounced... usually when I felt a bit mentally whacked out from my normal wacky self... I'd call my VAHS MHP... "When's the last time your Thyroid was checked?"... if it was a while ago I'd be asked to contact my VAHS PCP... get blood labs drawn... if fairly recently,,, schedule a VAHS MHP Appointment... why the VAHS MHP couldn't do it... it's not considered part of my mind... but it did seem to have an effect on my mind at times...

Anyway... I thought... maybe some Clonazapem withdrawal side effects or the intensity are a response to my Thyroid being unbalanced... I have "bounced" from .125 to 4.00 MG/day LEVOTHYROZINE Prescriptions since 1995... the last time I had to tell the VAHS PCP here to test me... Feb 2023... has been awhile... even though I was "within normal limits"...

So, I mean ever so carefully I gave just enough info in requesting my labs be drawn... yes I'm Paranoid... you'd be to if they did this to you... continually prescribing me 4MG CLONAZAPEM/day since 2006... for GAD… once a month meet and greet "How's life treating you?" VAHS MHP visits... then I get here at 61 and the only reason I get told why I suddenly need to be "weaned" off Clonazapem... "Your Age!"... MAY 2022, by my 3rd VAHS MHP during our 1^st appointment!

Gosh doc I was my age just before our 1st one-on-one... and the new VAHS PCP here has been prescribing the same amount of Clonazapem since the previous VAHS MHP isn't able to do so anymore now that I moved to this state... I've been on Clonazapem for decades... came in once a month like I was told... I've seen over 11 VAHS MHP before I relocated here... nobody has ever seemed concerned but you? And why won’t anyone here prescribe my ADD/ADHD medication… I’ve been on Methylphenidine since 2004… I have a VA Disability Rating for it... my last prescription was over 3 months ago…“I can’t find any test results in your VA MED REC… it’s a controlled substance… you have to get tested before anyone here will write a prescription for you!”

"I can't speak for any other MHP... this is just the way I do things!" "We can discuss weaning you at our next appointment!"... “I read in your VA MED REC where you have been off the ESCITALOPRAM OXALATE 10MG/day + LAMOTRIGINE 100MG/day since FEB 2022 "Until then I want to put you on MIRTAZAPINE 15MG/day for your MDD”… Why are you putting me back on a prescription that was used a long time ago and didn’t work... “I realize you were on the same prescription before here… however, I have many patients that it’s worked wonders for!”… “

JUN 2022…2nd appointment... same VAHS MHP… Doc the anti-depressant prescription isn’t working… I’m feeling really depressed lately… I know it’s not the Clonazapem… I need something for my depression…”I have a new prescription for you “FLUVOXAMINE”… it’s for OCD… it’s very expensive… has to be approved by the review board… but you’re in luck… I’m head to the review board… it will get approved!”… But I don’t have OCD!... “Yes, I know, I read your medical record… but it’s been proven to help people with your type of depression!”… “Oh by the way I won’t be able to see you again for three months… if you need anything call and I will get back to you!”… OK… What about the Fluvoxamine? “Oh, it’s be sent through the mail… I’m starting you on 50MG/day!”…weaning me off Clonazapem was never discussed.

JUL 2022 Phone call… Doc there’s a problem with this new medication… “What seems to be the problem?”… I’m crying constantly… I’m not a crier doc… I cry just because the sky is blue…”You have to understand it takes at least 30 days for any mental health drug to start working… you just need to stay on it a little longer… call if you need anything else!”

I finally received in the mail the results of the PHASER TEST, I agreed to take while waiting to see a VAHS MHP here… the test had been sent to the VAHS MH Department… the 3^rd VAHS MHP had received the results prior to the 2^nd appointment.

“WARNING” Fluvoxamine - SEVERE SIDE EFFECTS – This individual…

I weaned myself off this drug… no MDD medication…still on the Clonazapem!

Just received a message from the VAHS PCP I was assigned to here… I haven’t gone to any VAHS provider since MAR 2023… “Why do you want your Thyroid tested… it was in limits back in FEB?”

Duh… I told you I bounce… it has to be checked once a year…

FEB -  AUG 2022 OFF METHYLPHENIDINE

AUG - OCT 2022 ON METHYLPHENIDINE… “Congratulations you tested + for ADD… what was your previous dose for?” 20MG x day… “Thanks I’ll write a prescription… no need to come in…it’ll be sent in the mail!”

 

FEB 2022 OFF ESCITALOPRAM OXALATE + LAMOTRIGINE – complained to VAHS here in message sent to Head of MH Department -severe skin itching… can’t sleep… phone message to from MHP I never talked to or saw

MAY 2022 ON MIRTAZAPINE 3^rd VAHS MHP

JUN 2022 OFF MIRTAZAPINE 3^rd VAHS MHP

JUN 2022 ON FLUVOXIMINE 3^RD VAHS MHP

JUL 2022 OFF FLUVOXIMINE – self-tapered off

NOV 2022 ON SERTRALINE - VAHS mail prescription – 50MG/day for MDD - 60 day supply - from outside the VAHS MHP saw 1 x for 60 minutes.

 

YES every decision I made I ensured someone this VAHS knew exactly what I was doing and why! No… this isn’t half of what happened…

 

BenzoVet2006 Out!  "inside the darkness of the upside down BENZO world… searching for a flicker of light  to the other side of Clonazapem Dependency Withdrawals!”

 

 

[[Be...]]

This is going to be a long post… so if searching for the Reader’s Digest… you might want to go to someone’s else’s topic.

 

First does anyone have a clue how I can stay under my original topic “DEPENDANCE VS ADDICTION ANY LIGHTBULBS” while adding information pertaining to what’s going on with me? Such as,  topic under main topic… Crazy Freakin Day Today… (no I don’t mean the wild thing…it means what the heck are you bonkers!)

Second does anyone know how I can put my picture in what I think is like some folks have an Avatar? It was with the old platform.

Third does anyone know where to put a quote used to kinda sum up the cuckoo crazy BENZO stuff? Kinda of tired adding it each time I post.

Fourth does anyone know where to put all the prescribed MH & pain medications I have swallowed? Use to be fairly clear in the old platform.

Last… really important for me… has anyone been off Clonazapem for a while, me about 5 ish months now… had NO MH medications… yeah all my medications were no longer prescribed last year for no reason other than “This is the last prescription I’m writing!”…

Beyond no shadow of a doubt I have ADD/ADHD… was on Methylphenidate for decades. Tested + twice… heck no I don’t have any trust with these quacks at the VAHS here… I’m just thinking with what little brain function I have of seeing if I can get my ADD/ADHD medication back… Why… do you have ADD/ADHD… know what it’s like not to be on medication for it? I just don’t want to screw up my mind… it’s twisted enough already not to include my MH disorders…

Which I am now questioning… not the ADD/ADHD… the GAD and MDD… yeah I still get depressed and my anxiety is off the charts at times throughout the day… but I’m doing pretty darn good with no drugs… was my  depression and anxiety so great I needed medication? And if I were addicted to Clonazapem and have none… why do I shop and pass up the liquor aisle… found a Clonazapem in my pill cutter I needed to cut Harley’s prescription… flushed it down the toilet… yes cleaned the heck out of it… no Harley has a tiny brain… I don’t want any residual Clonazapem whacking him out…

That’s a thought not a question. Look things got bad here… how bad… beyond my MH concerns… my physical health was being jeopardized… I exhausted every single resource inside + outside the VAHS + I mean EVERYONE all the waaayyyy to the now sitting President of the USA.

No this ain’t no conspiracy theory… I know in the USA we have the FDA… they fall within the government… doctor’s get license… medical board certified… etc… I personally see drug cartels are legal here… manufacturers of  any BENZO…the hospitals and medical offices are just distribution centers… prescriber’s are just dealers… I’m not an addict looking to score… my heart still cries for those who have become addicted not to their drug of choice… nobody knowing about any BENZO’s potentially harm would have said yes to their first prescription… I sure wouldn’t.. now I see where some are considering going back… why… they had no idea how lethal these side effects can become…

I attempted to read the “BIND Report”… problem… I ain’t a doctor… what the heck does all those medical terms mean… just who is the information for… I’m a lay person… maybe I should get my doctor’s degree so I’m more prepared when all those labels get thrown at me…

Like when I was station in Spain… “Anti-social”… duh you think so… have the 2^nd woman you have loved for 5 years… go to bed with the 1^st woman you escaped from after the previous 5 years… find out when your upset because you believe you have done everything wrong… trying to figure out how to save your relationship… the first woman who is also stationed in Spain who you believe has become your friend… she slept with the second woman and has feelings for her… I think anyone would be a little anti-social…

I’m not perfect… nobody is… hey I know I’ve learned I need far better coping skills… but life is hard… not everything can be handled with a hand clasped circle singing Kumbaya… whew that felt cathartic…

Now my Brain Is N Disorder… it is miss-firing signals to all my systems… just Googled and of course a ton of different total… so I’ll use this one… Circulatory, Respiratory, Digestive, Skeletal, Muscular, Nervous... and my favorite... Reproductive (female... duh)...

It seems the information being received from my… eyes, ears, nose, tongue, whatever is left outside and attached to my body… have my senses  out of control… sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch are so pronounced everything is exaggerated… how exaggerated…

I had all my truck tires replaced… had the mechanic drive it afterwards… inspect the suspensions… steering… anything possibly related to why I keep believing I am going to roll my truck over… even when I’m on a flat surface… why I thought sunglasses may be needed when I tried to mow my lawn at night and the solar light was blinding… everything taste like bitter… I kept thinking something is burning… I swear folks are shooting off “water cannons” (you might want to Google that I did when my friend told me what they are) from over a mile away…

I stand by my post from long ago: I’m in an adult whose body thinks it’s a child’s… whose brain is say what the heck… am I suppose to function for a child or adults… the information has got my adult brain acting like a child at times… thus appears M+M who says stop the madness, shut all systems down other than those needed for emergency use… until further notice… usually a few minutes later… yes this goes on sporadically all day long.

I pray to Jesus I’m at the top of this withdrawal mountain… I’ll be off it in less than a few years… as in the Hunger Games… the odds are against me!

Now in another post all I’m gonna say about this lousy VAHS here… 3 Cuckoo‘s who received a license to practice psychiatry need their license revoked permanently… oh why don’t I just go elsewhere for my medical needs… I’m trying to move out of here… I tried to get private healthcare… seems my “Pr-existing conditions are rated by the VA Board… “Service Connected Disabilities” put me in a high risk category for needing medical care”… duh isn’t that what medical insurance for??? 10K per year policy… not to include prescriptions, specialty care, office visits… I’m entitled to “Fair Adequate Timely” medical care due to my mind and body getting beat up for 22 years in the USN… I shouldn’t have to pay more than I already did!

Until we meet again in this whacked out BENZO world…

BenzoVet2006 Out!  "inside the darkness of the upside down BENZO world… searching for a flicker of light  to the other side of Clonazapem Dependency Withdrawals!”

Oh I’m attempting to include Bailey and Harley’s picture… B+H… B=bottom…H=top

 

[[Be...]]

 

I’m up early, seems to be my normal these days w/o Clonazepam. I changed word processing programs, the one I had kept changing words, sentence structure, basically my thoughts, my way. Of all credible/reliable sources for me to go back to find what worked, the USN.

I remember Spain, computers were starting to ramp up to now become as part of me as breathing, an absolute necessity. My laptop was motionless… kinda like I was. I remember receiving the required method to log all correspondence now consumed half my “humongous” work desk. Military time was used to account for each document, calendar time for each day …

My time… memories I recall… before I started writing I found entries I had made here. Saw so many, slowly dwindling to few each month and asked myself why. This was finally a place I could come without restraints… no need to be accurate… get to the point… stay on topic… be less me so others feel more comfortable…

Slowly suggestions for how to proceed… being me… as if I have no idea who I am… actually there are days I look in the mirror hoping someday I have a glimpse of me who isn’t now…

Fearful of when the now affects fall off to memories I have no need to recall…

Searching for clues not of years from now w/o any BENZO, what is at least small wins I can have now…

Validation… I’m getting it right… being confused, questioning why so many times throughout the day, seeking answers, basically who I am at this moment, the same woman I was before… during.. Clonazepam… only , well this all makes no sense to me…

Except having no sense of who I am now waiting for the day who I am doesn’t fear, search, need validation… these are my thoughts… memories… feelings… mine… they belong to no one… especially a machine… don’t correct me… say I’m wrong…

I have struggled coming back to this forum… there was a time…

Pamster replied w/o my asking to each entry…

Me “as is” was acceptable, I had no doubts, uncertainty…

I accepted the fallacies of being human, even those who created programs seeming only a heartless machine was part of way it might be implemented…

In Spain so many would throw their arm up and open their mouth when we were about to cross the street and a car was coming… “Be careful… you can get run over… people don’t watch how they drive… you could get killed!”… I not worried… I trust God… I had a talk with him this morning… he said today… no not today… today is not my time to die!”…

There’s a great big world out there! I want to see all of it…  as much as I possibly can… meet everyone, do everything, eat it all…  what I don’t like, I don’t have to swallow… I can still taste as much of it as I want, swallow what I like, spit out what I don’t … and keep moving forwards,  as fast as I possibly can!”… Time waits for no one, I’m sure we all question when we are going to die, I asked God today about my death, he answered… “You, not you, death is not knocking at your door!”… So close your mouth, be quiet and be careful, do you think I’m an idiot, I do have a brain I use, and some common sense, I saw that car coming, did you notice it didn’t hit me, kinda steered in your direction?

Now get behind me, I’ll protect you, but be careful don’t follow too close, I’m still trying to figure life out, I wouldn’t want to lead anybody in the wrong direction! Life has uncertainties, my life, I’m certain of one thing; I’m not going to die today!

I’m looking at me, “as is”, I recalled seeing a chance to tell my story in a video submission to BIC… I was asked to correct my video… I “… hadn’t followed the guidelines …”, Glad you liked the revised video submission!

I replied to an offer to expound on my story… a medical staff person would call when they had time in the fall to go through the lengthy form needed by the FDA…  As I replied my way, I have been told “You are; too honest, blatantly honest, nice, trusting a person, very thoughtful throughout my life.”

I was amazed by everything I had never experienced, still am each moment, mostly by experiences waiting for me, I believe the proper terminology is “side effects”… life has no side effects, only as someone once said when I was experiencing a crazy hazing ritual when I became a CPO in the USN… “you’re just going through an AFGE!”… Another “F” Growth Experience!” … I’m tired of growing up, I’d like to I try to adapt to this new life without Clonazepam,

… life as I once knew has died off, I’m trying to find the parts I loved,  life I use to know has died; my motto at the time, still is part of me I’m still waiting to discover again, trapped in the recesses of my mind…

Side Effects – there ain’t nothing on the side… most of it is inside my mind. That’s were all the crazy transmissions are coming from that have my body doing some whacked out stuff. I thought Stage 1,2,3 … see ya! No, it seems the further I get the closer I am to starting all over again. I started having chills, the kind when I’d step out into the winter experiencing the great white north… creepy crawly up the spine shattering throughout the body get me near an open fire to warm up… except it’s  been up in the 100’s outside and 72 inside the house. Now that crazy sensation I can’t shake, I figured it out, no not what it is, what it reminds me of “The Charlie Brown Sound!” and yet to come, the feature presentation… ESD… Electric Static Discharge… is that a medical term… got me… I ain’t no doctor… but I was an aircraft electrician in the USN.

I remember when cards inside those black boxes needed replaced too often. Yes, it’s true… we are batteries (Google it)…. If we saw a sticker on a card we had to bring it to a special spot, put a wrist strap on grounding us, without these precautions our touch could zapppppp…. Short circuit!.

Now I’m saying this… I know every time I use anything electronic I feel like electricity is running through my body. I also know around 9PM every night it’s closing time… my body parts tweaking… muscle spasms, tightness in my chest, my nose can’t be blown enough to let me breath normally, my skin is thinning out, eyes burn, but most of all I can’t stop these feelings anymore… don’t touch me has become my new battle cry… everything my body touches is so exaggerated… if I’m hallucinating someone please wake me up from this nightmare.

I don’t know where to find the truth anymore about these withdrawals. Just when I see one thing another comes to the point I just don’t care. I figure come and go I’ll still be around…

BenzoVet2006 Out!  "inside the darkness of the upside down BENZO world… searching for a flicker of light to the other side of Clonazapem Dependency Withdrawals!”