The Long Hold Support Group

[[He...]]

Oh V.  I’m so sorry to hear about Cookie.

RIP COOKIE!

I wonder  if Cookie knew what great purpose she served here on Earth for all of us here in the Long Hold Support Group?

 

Thank you Cookie

 

PS. Thank you for your support  Valley!

[[no...]]

Thank you for your encouragement and support everyone , it means a lot to me . You know how it is , our benzo brains need so much reassurance that we're going to be ok , and just those words can make such a difference .

 

Thank you  :smitten:

 

MiYu

Hi M    Hi everyone  I am spending most of my time laying on a make shift bed in agony pissed off in my lounge on the floor as I put the TV on although I can't watch it most of the time,  I don't put it in the bedroom as the walls aren't great here you can here everything and they have a baby next door and I can hear them talking normally. The baby's not a cryer, thank God!! he gurgles a lot, bless him and I can hear that as well, but sound freaks me out!

 

 

I get evil thoughts some days bought on by the benzo symptoms and homicidal anger as I can hear the guy down stairs banging doors shut and stuff but at least there's no one above my head banging about. So I'm grateful for that its even worse when its above your head 24/7. I  can't hear  the TV as my brain doesn't hear it in English its like some weird Alien language  or due to multiple ear problems I can't hear anything but muffled sound from it on times and my hell tinnitus drowns it out as well so I put subtitles up which also do my head in sometimes, well most of the time.

 

Sometimes things are a bit more bearable but all the stress with new Dr's and other stuff is no help, sleep is also hit and miss, and when I do sleep I wake up anything from every half an hour or just as I'm about to drop off but my ''record'' is 2 hours before waking up. BUT....this is what I try to keep focused on, this is happening because my body and brain are fighting to correct its self, it sure as hell don't feel like it but that's what it is sometimes it works other times I just yell FK IT! That also helps occasionally I also tell myself when I'm laying there hardly able to breathe as its so bad 'Well girl ain't nuthin' you can do except wait it out when its over its over, with the occasional Oh God!! or God help me!! thrown in. Self talk in my brain is all I haven not just me but all of us and its so very hard but we're still here, no one wants its this way but its all we have for now and we're in this place so all we can do is what we're able to at any given time.

 

And also  reading other peoples wisdom  about being in a situation where we have no control is helpful to read sometimes as well

 

Imagine that you are brought to a time when illness has caused the energy in your body no longer to be sufficient for you to participate in the world in the ways you have become used to. The ways that have nurtured your self-image. The ways you have cultivated to reaffirm this imagined self that you keep building and rebuilding like an armour about you. What happens when you can no longer keep up the kind of employment that brought money into your home and created your self-image as a good provider? What happens when you are no longer able to keep up your image of yourself as a valuable member of society? When you can no longer maintain your identity as a teacher or plumber or poet or parent? What happens when you can no longer be someone with "responsibilities" to the family or community? ... And you ask yourself, "Who was that ... person?" Can you sense how your resistance, your desire for things to be other than they are, would be like a vice closing in on you? ... The resistance is so painful, the pushing away of the present so isolating and fearful, that a feeling of helplessness arises. The more we resist, the more we contract, and the less space we have in which to live our life. ... The confusion and suffering arise from our attachments to how it used to be and how we thought it always would be."

 

I have tried to let go of the what if? and whys? and what I would be doing if I wasn't in this position it only makes me feel worse and that quote says it all  We will get better, I'm sticking to my 1/2mg cuts as I really feel I have to do it , its not the ''benzo brain urgency'' to try escape the agony, its just feels very instinctively I NEED to do it , regardless or everything.

 

And I've been feeling that way for quite some time its got nothing to do with wanting to hurry and get off the drug or the Dr's threat of practically or possibly CT'ing me they can't do that its illegal, if they try it then its gloves off and I've also got a good soul who came into my life a few days ago who will go confront the Drs for me should that happen.

 

I know we're not supposed to say anything bordering on 'religious'' and you can't say ''God'' unless you go to to faith thread for fear of upsetting the Atheist on here But I've been all alone and isolated  for  many year's trying to deal with this and I've asked continuously who or whatever you, God, the Universe please help me!! I can't do it alone no more!!!. :'( 

 

I felt like Whoopi Goldberg in the film 'The colour purple' there's a line where she's been on her knees for year's praying and in the back ground while she's praying her voice says''' I keep asking God for help but some how he don't hear me''  that's exactly how I was beginning to feel. 

 

And now an earth bound Angel has come into my life.  Someone who knows to well how horrific this is as they lived this nightmare their selves, and have told me there for me, while they can't stop my suffering their willing to support me through this hell there for me all I have to do is  contact them and they will listen and support me.

 

Something somewhere was listening after all and set it all in motion, I'd also like to say if it wasn't for another buddy this wouldn't have been possible they know who they are and I will forever be grateful to them and hope in the future I can go meet this lovely person .  I've accepted it may take me longer than I'd like or want, acceptance can be as hard as the withdrawal its self on times, other times it gets me through.  But maybe it will work out for the best now that I've finally began cutting again but as I said I am not in any hurry so will do a long hold on this latest cut, and today is a trial of acceptance so far too

 

                                                         

 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

[[St...]]

Hi folks I am feeling very deflated l was really hoping a long hold would help however I am not seeing any improvement .l am being slammed with nausea and dizziness and the negative thoughts are horrendous.l can't see a way forward.l am so sorry for moaning.

[[Gr...]]

Nova1 - Wow.  I'm very impressed with you courage to make these new cuts.  I also have problems with homicidal thoughts.  I was just thinking the other day how these do not upset me as much as they used to.  I used to get very anxious about such violent thoughts, and then I was just thinking, ya know, I really can control my actions a lot better than my thoughts, and as far as I know, George RR Martin has not killed or raped anyone, so I am not going to be so afraid of my thoughts.  Who knows, maybe I'll write a story where I have some twisted things happen and it will be an interesting story. 

 

Stut55-  I see in your signature you have been holding since the beginning of January.  For me, my long holds have lasted four months and I think I needed to hold that long.  Are your symptoms at least changing?  That's how mine went.  Every month seemed to introduce something new and something else seemed less prominent. 

 

Valley Um- Sorry to hear about Cookie.  I am glad you are only having minor symptoms.  Hurray for that!

 

gard99-  I have tremendous respect for you doing school during your taper.  I did my last year of university during a taper and it was just so hard.  I distinctly remember showing up for this challenging and exciting course with some fancy teacher that everyone said was hard but worth it, and after the lecture, I just knew I could not do this right now.  It was hard for me to know my limitations but it did make things easier not taking the hard challening course.  My motto was a C gets the degree. 

 

Miyu- just some more hugs for you.  The WORST thing, IMO, that this drug does is cause problems with walking.  :hug:

[[Va...]]

Hi folks I am feeling very deflated l was really hoping a long hold would help however I am not seeing any improvement .l am being slammed with nausea and dizziness and the negative thoughts are horrendous.l can't see a way forward.l am so sorry for moaning.

Hi Stut. Holding is not linear and there are lots of ups and downs (mostly downs initiiallly) but with patience things generally start to settle and calm down. We constantly fight against ourselves because we feel we have to do something... anything to relieve the misery we are feeling however IMO the best thing to do is nothing. Just be patient, take care of yourself and distract as much as you can. You will get through this!  —V

[[St...]]

Thank you Valley um and green cup.l have found my symptoms certainly do change and then fade then new ones appear.l just have to say the yo-yo effect is very hard to deal with.l will continue holding and l thank you all for your advice and constant support.

[[be...]]

 

 

[glow=red,2,300]R.I.P SWEET "COOKIE" :'( :'( :'( :'([/glow] 

 

http://freepngimages.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/yellow_roses-transparent-background-flowers.png

[[fr...]]

  So sorry about Cookie Valley.  Keep up the fight NoVa.  MiYu I am right there with you.  Glad to hear most are doing well. 

[[Va...]]

 

 

[glow=red,2,300]R.I.P SWEET "COOKIE" :'( :'( :'( :'([/glow] 

 

http://freepngimages.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/yellow_roses-transparent-background-flowers.png

She is in a better place but we will miss her.  —V

[[ga...]]

 

gard99-  I have tremendous respect for you doing school during your taper.  I did my last year of university during a taper and it was just so hard.  I distinctly remember showing up for this challenging and exciting course with some fancy teacher that everyone said was hard but worth it, and after the lecture, I just knew I could not do this right now.  It was hard for me to know my limitations but it did make things easier not taking the hard challening course.  My motto was a C gets the degree. 

 

 

Thanks for the motto, GreenCup.   I am only going to a technical college to update my technology skills which were left in the dust about 20 years ago. After that, I'm not sure what the plan is. I guess it depends on how my taper goes. I got my bachelor's at a Big Ten University decades ago, but it is no use now. I've been out of work too long. I remember University being hard work but fun. Lots of fun. I am so annoyed that I can't even take 2 basic tech classes without this much struggle. It is not fun. I'm in a government sponsored back-to-work program. I must get a C to stay in it. So your motto is perfect and it really helps to get that validation. Thank you!

 

Gard (Who is messing around on BB instead of doing her homework. )

 

P.S. Hi, thread! Bye, thread!

[[He...]]

Hey Gard, if you are still reading,

ooh ooh ooh. When you graduate you will be a techy!

We can always use a good techy here! Especially when I hit something wrong on the keyboard and lose everything I write before I post it!

 

Heath

 

Good luck in school! And taper too!

[[He...]]

Hi Begood, good to see you! Hope all is going well with your taper!

Heath

[[To...]]

ToomanyBennies-  I would be so scared of surgery too.  Ugh, how are we supposed to trust the doctors to know what is best when they have proven the don't?  It seems like everyone is getting this carpal tunnel surgery though, so you will be in good company.  At least two people on my facebook have gotten it in the last 3 months. 

 

I realize I spend way too much time on this forum.  I've started to imagine what all the different usernames look like in real life.  LOL. 

 

We are moving out of our apartment when our lease is up at the end of May and do not know where we are going yet.  I thought I was actually doing very well with my taper until the landlady sent an email about how she is going to come and take pictures next Tuesday.  That just made is so upset and angry.  However, it only lasted about an hour and a half and ya know, I realize I don't really care what she thinks, and if she thinks I'm too messy then, whatever. 

 

There is a crazy weird stain on the kitchen floor that I didn't tell her about when it happened- like 3 months ago, and now I have just told her.  I am curious to see how that plays out.

 

Hey, GC. It's just weird the things I am getting locked up on these days. No rhyme or reason -- anything in life is fair game. I just launch into high anxiety at the flip of a switch, lately. A little bit unnerving. I don't consider it withdrawal -- this must be the way I was when I started life with benzos so many years ago. Maybe more so, given a hypersensitive CNS. Who knows? All I know is that it sucks. I have to find the root cause and figure out some countermeasure.

 

Crazy about your apartment. I'd be a little freaked if I had to be out of my house in just a few months, especially not knowing where. Good that you don't care about what the landlady thinks - she'll be history in a few months anyway. Hope the split is amicable.

 

TMB ,

I'm pretty sure what you're experiencing is all WD related . They are classic symptoms . The anxiety and looping thoughts . Try not to be too hard on yourself and remember , these symptoms will pass in time .

 

A friend of mine who's tapering just had knee surgery and had local anaethesia , no benzos for sedation , nothing . She did great and no lack lash from the surgery either .

You can have it done as GC said with local and no benzo ps , it's up to you ! Good luck .

Love, MiYu 🙏🏻

 

Thank you so much, MiYu.

 

[[To...]]

Heath - your husband is a lucky man to have someone as understanding as you!

[[To...]]

Now my turn to vent . Im Having such a rough time , and like you nova , I have side effects that are  pretty nasty .

I'm really not well and I have diffculty walking at the moment . I'm not sure what to do . I hate taking these meds every day when they make me feel so lousy . But I'm also afraid of the WDs as I don't want to make myslef worse than I am already .

 

I've been doing really tiny cuts and it effects me so much . I think I've managed about .18 equivelant of V in 4 months .

 

And been housebound most of that time , and extreme stress intolerance .,

 

Do I hold ? Do I taper and get lower in dose where I know I will feel better? I know no one can answer this for me . I'm just so tired of not making and feeling so bad day in day out .

 

I just don't have a strong baseline to taper from still.

 

I don't have anxiety.  All my symptoms are physical pretty much .

 

Well, I have to remember this too shall pass, but at what cost and how long being disabled ....

 

Feeling down today and having a hard time finding hope .

 

 

Love MiYu

 

MiYu, so sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad. Constant physical pain and discomfort can destroy mood and outlook.

 

I so hope and pray that these physical symptoms ease up soon, so you can get some relief.

[[He...]]

Hey there STUT!  And anyone else who wants to read this,

I am so sorry  you are having such a hard time.

I think I have discovered reed something that might help you.

 

I’ve been looking at your signature and I THINK I am understanding it correctly.

 

This is how I see it.

On Nov. 22 you were at 3mgV

On Dec. 8 you were at 2.5 mgV

On Jan. 1 you were at 2mgv

 

If this is correct, I want to point out that from Nov 22 to Dec 8 ( 2 weeks time) you reduced .5 mg

If you did in-fact reduce .5 mg, that is a reduction of 16.67 %      That’s way too big of a reduction.

 

Also if I am reading it right,

If you were at 2.5 mg on Dec 8 and you reduced to 2.0 by Jan1.  That means you reduced .5 in (just 3 weeks)

That is a reduction of 20% in only 3 weeks time.

 

Stut, I think the difficulty you are having is because you are just making cuts that are way too big and you are going way too fast. Do you think that could be the problem?

 

 

The recommended reduction is usually between 5% and 10% a month the most. I know I can’t go faster than 6% a month, mayb 6.5% the most, but that’s pushing it.

 

I know Everyone must listen to their own body, and some people can cut more but not many, without getting ramped up wdsx.

 

But IMO your tough time with ramped up wdsx can be because you are making  cuts (reductions) that are too big and you are going too fast for your body and brain to adjust and heal from all these cuts.

 

Also, if I reading your signature correctly, it appears that you held for about 6 weeks. A long hold is not weeks Stut.. It is months. I have learned on this forum that some people hold for 5-6 months  to get out of a very bad spot. But it works!

When I got into trouble I had to hold for about 4 months until my body adjusted to the jet speed I had initially taken on my taper. Boy did I mess myself up. I didn’t know what I was doing!

It’s so very hard to hold, but if you hold long enough, and you don’t change your dose for a few months, not weeks, and truly give your brain the time it needs to adjust, you will be sooo glad you did.

Then you will most likely be able to start to taper once more, at a reasonable speed, and have very little wdsx at all.

 

I feel so badly for. You Stut. I was at the same place you are at now when I began to taper, not knowing whet the heck I was doing. I got myself into a terrible spot. But the hold of 4 month’s, led me back to a safe, sane, and very manageable place. It was my finding this Long hold forum and the buddies here,who helped me sooo very much that really saved me.

 

IMO with  the help of all the buddies here, you too will be just fine.

 

So please hang in there! Go slow. Be strong and PATIENT and courageous! Trya longer hold.

 

And don’t give up!

 

Heath :smitten:

[[He...]]

Just wanted to add this...

If you have a computer you can easily find online a calculator that is called a

PERCENTAGE CALCULATOR.

SO EASY TO USE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PLUG IN THE NUMBERS INTO AN ALREADY SET PATTERN.

 

(SORRY FOR THE CAPITAL LETTERS)

 

Heath

 

[[To...]]

 

 

[glow=red,2,300]R.I.P SWEET "COOKIE" :'( :'( :'( :'([/glow] 

 

http://freepngimages.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/yellow_roses-transparent-background-flowers.png

She is in a better place but we will miss her.  —V

 

V - so sorry to hear about cookie.

[[To...]]

Long Hold buddies, sorry if this is more whining than anything. I'm beginning to think that month 2, post taper, is when things get pretty horrible. I guess, by this point, CNS is raw and hurting. It has been starved and is in revolt.

 

It feels like it will never get better. I am starting to feel like I am doomed to a miserable remainder of my life. I guess benzos kept me going for more than 20 years - until they didn't any more. I managed things so well during my taper - why the backlash now?

 

I am in the 4th day of full-on panic. I can't eat, barely sleep and feel paralyzed from doing anything. I have no tools to arrest this - my only notion is that somehow it will end on its own.

 

But, since everything is a trigger, at the moment, it is hard to imagine how I am ever going to be able to move forward.

 

It is hard to believe that somehow this is temporary. I don't know what to do. I've sucked it up in the past, but it's never been this bad.

 

Sorry for dropping this. Everybody has enough problems. I've appreciated the support that I get from this group.

 

[[St...]]

Heath you have actually pointed out something l didn't even notice.That is amazing that l didn't even see that.lt explains a lot.Trust me l will now let my brain recover.l am so grateful for the advice you and everyone on this site have given me.l am not usually so stupid l must have benzo brain.l hope you are doing well.Thank you again.x

[[fr...]]

  TMB,  Sorry you are suffering.  Just keep remembering that you made it off this poison and you are healing.  So proud of you.  You are strong and fighting for your recovery.  Hang on and try to distract.  Can you take something, like Advil etc.  I am suffering so much and just love hearing that people do make it off and eventually they are back to normal.  YOu will be too.  Hang onto that hope. 

[[St...]]

Hi toomanybennies l hope you don't mind me responding l am new to this group.l know it is horrendous as l have suffered the sheer terror and panic during my taper however it will pass nothing stays the same.The only thing that helped me was trying to distract my mind and trying not to add fuel to the panic by trying to control my thoughts.Having said that it didn't always work.Try to drink plenty of fluids if you can't eat and know it will pass.Stay strong and know that you are coping as well as can be expected at this time.You will get through this.

[[Gi...]]

TooManyBennies, this will not be the rest of your life.  That is the benzo talking.

I've heard others say that month two can start out harder.  Your CNS has realized there really will not be any more benzo so it is doing everything it can to find equilibrium.  Stay strong, it will find it's way back to homeostasis and begin to calm down.

 

You did so well on your taper.  This is the final stage.  Read the success stories.  Everyone heals and so will you.  Check out EFT tapping.  It can help.  Listen to guided meditations on U-tube.  There are some for benzo withdrawal.

 

I know you feel horrendous, but this feeling cannot harm you.  Speak to it and tell it you are not afraid of it, that it has no power over you, that it needs to leave, it is not welcome in your life any longer.  Shout it out loud if necessary (I do).

 

Hang in there.  I'll be needing you when I get to my second month off benzos.  Failure is not an option for either of us. G.

[[Va...]]

 

 

[glow=red,2,300]R.I.P SWEET "COOKIE" :'( :'( :'( :'([/glow] 

 

http://freepngimages.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/yellow_roses-transparent-background-flowers.png

She is in a better place but we will miss her.  —V

 

V - so sorry to hear about cookie.

Thanks TMB. I hope your anxiety let up soon.  —V

[[Ge...]]

Wow you tapered off of 4.5 mg of ativan in a year!  You have done amazing... it's just going to take time I think.  Are you still getting worse or are you leveling out?  Stay strong!