The Long Hold Support Group

[[ba...]]

We got through it. My aunt and my 3 siblings all have PTSD/anxiety disorder. We all dislike Christmas. I suspect many people dread it, as it pushes our triggers. It has evolved into a stress holiday, as in, "Happy Stressmas."

 

Anyone else taking years to get through this taper? I have been at it over a year, and my dose has actually gone up from 5.5 a year ago to 7 mgs at this point.

 

2017 was a disaster for me healthwise, and I was on prednisone, numerous antibiotics, including a fluoroquinolone as a last resort, or I could have gone into the hospital instead. Gained 30 pounds.

 

I  actually got down to 6.5 mgs, but the Holidays found me back at 7 mgs. I held at 6,5 for at least 2 months, but never got OK. So, back to 7 to get through the round of Holiday gatherings, parties, events (OMG.) Even at 7 mgs, it is still a difficult experience.

 

Am about to work on getting back down to 6.5.

 

Feeling frustrated at how much kickback I get when cutting down. I know about kindling, but still, I can't be the only buddie who up dosed to survive an extreme physical illness with medications that amped up the anxiety and nullified the benzo.

 

 

[[Va...]]

We got through it. My aunt and my 3 siblings all have PTSD/anxiety disorder. We all dislike Christmas. I suspect many people dread it, as it pushes our triggers. It has evolved into a stress holiday, as in, "Happy Stressmas."

 

Anyone else taking years to get through this taper? I have been at it over a year, and my dose has actually gone up from 5.5 a year ago to 7 mgs at this point.

 

2017 was a disaster for me healthwise, and I was on prednisone, numerous antibiotics, including a fluoroquinolone as a last resort, or I could have gone into the hospital instead. Gained 30 pounds.

 

I  actually got down to 6.5 mgs, but the Holidays found me back at 7 mgs. I held at 6,5 for at least 2 months, but never got OK. So, back to 7 to get through the round of Holiday gatherings, parties, events (OMG.) Even at 7 mgs, it is still a difficult experience.

 

Am about to work on getting back down to 6.5.

 

Feeling frustrated at how much kickback I get when cutting down. I know about kindling, but still, I can't be the only buddie who up dosed to survive an extreme physical illness with medications that amped up the anxiety and nullified the benzo.

Hi BD. As far as taking years to get through the taper, I certainly am. I’ve been at it for 2 years as of this month and still a ways to go. After learning the hard way, I now focus on functionality rather than the time it’s taking. Christmas can definitely be a stressful time and I’m glad you got through it. As far as updosing or “dose correcting” due to external factors, I do know there are buddies that have done this successfully.  —V

[[dr...]]

I'm joining this group as my V taper ended in disaster this fall.  I'm just trying to stabilize and get through the Holidays.  Emergency Ativan doses all over the place and updosing V to who knows where.  I have no idea how or if I am going to stabilize but I'm here hoping I will gain new insight as to what is going on in my traumatized brain.  I no longer have any clue as to what I am doing.  Just know I can't taper any more.

[[NJ...]]

We got through it. My aunt and my 3 siblings all have PTSD/anxiety disorder. We all dislike Christmas. I suspect many people dread it, as it pushes our triggers. It has evolved into a stress holiday, as in, "Happy Stressmas."

 

Anyone else taking years to get through this taper? I have been at it over a year, and my dose has actually gone up from 5.5 a year ago to 7 mgs at this point.

 

2017 was a disaster for me healthwise, and I was on prednisone, numerous antibiotics, including a fluoroquinolone as a last resort, or I could have gone into the hospital instead. Gained 30 pounds.

 

I  actually got down to 6.5 mgs, but the Holidays found me back at 7 mgs. I held at 6,5 for at least 2 months, but never got OK. So, back to 7 to get through the round of Holiday gatherings, parties, events (OMG.) Even at 7 mgs, it is still a difficult experience.

 

Am about to work on getting back down to 6.5.

 

Feeling frustrated at how much kickback I get when cutting down. I know about kindling, but still, I can't be the only buddie who up dosed to survive an extreme physical illness with medications that amped up the anxiety and nullified the benzo.

 

I had very bad flu/bronchitis this time last year, was on antibiotics and prednisone, I ended up updosing a few weeks later and held for months. I really think it was the antibiotic that did me in. Like Valley, I am also taking a long time to get through this, also focused on just being as functional as I can, regardless of how long this takes.

[[He...]]

I hear you Valley! One more month and I’ll be at two years in my taper. Actually I really didn’t start tapering with any sense to it at all until I found my present pdoc in March. So maybe it’s really going to be two years in March

 

But I’m with you as far as strategy goes....

Functionality is the key.

Might take me another 1 1/2 years but that’s ok!

 

Heath

[[bl...]]

Yup. As long as it takes. Still holding at 3mg. Better than a long protracted. Really hoping to avoid that but who knows.

[[Al...]]

May God bless us all and give us the strength to carry on despite all these terrible feelings, sensations and body changes.

I don’t feel nessisarily anxious but having all sorts of body/health issues. Trying not to get wrapped up in what is causing them but it is hard.

If Doctors could only say,..Oh yes those are just temporary sensations caused by the withdrawal,.. I would feel so much better and I think I could better inglorious them but no Doctor I have met says anything at all about withdrawal.

I once had a Nurse practioner who said as much but when I plugged her for more information all she said was that these benzos are terrible drugs.

Oh well, I am committed no matter. At my age if it cost what left to try then I will continue.

It is a sort of personal challenge for me now to do this, to crawl if nesssesary to the finnish line.

 

May we all find strength and comfort in one another’s experience and loving support. 🙏

 

ATU

[[bl...]]

ATU: I'm with you. I would feel SO much better if any of the neuros, rheums, GP's--whomever---would just say--"it's all w/d." My psychopharmacologist says it's "certainly possible," but that's as good as it gets. And then when an actual red flag shows up on any med test my anxiety is through the roof and I cannot talk myself off the ledge--"what if it's not w/d, what if I have X, what if, what if, what id..." Well, I guess it doesn't matter as the rx for all the scary diseases I convince myself I have on a daily basis is more drugs so I guess I'll either pass out and die or make it through. But hey, ATU! You are doing great. You are pretty low down. I still have a ways to go at 3mg. Good for you!! You should feel good about that...

[[Wo...]]

Hi everyone happy holidays and post holidays to all! I finally stabilized on my long hold and have not had any sxs in a couple weeks after a long wave. I know it’s time to resume the taper in the next week or so and am curious what people think of how much to cut? I’m at .06 klonopin doing a dry cut with a gram scale and now that I’m so low I’m making very tiny cuts. Because I’m finally stable and actually feel the best I’ve in months I’m wondering if I can be a bit more aggressive and make a bigger cut (by bigger I mean 10%). Would love any input from veteran long holders. Thanks!

[[no...]]

Hi everyone happy holidays and post holidays to all! I finally stabilized on my long hold and have not had any sxs in a couple weeks after a long wave. I know it’s time to resume the taper in the next week or so and am curious what people think of how much to cut? I’m at .06 klonopin doing a dry cut with a gram scale and now that I’m so low I’m making very tiny cuts. Because I’m finally stable and actually feel the best I’ve in months I’m wondering if I can be a bit more aggressive and make a bigger cut (by bigger I mean 10%). Would love any input from veteran long holders. Thanks!

Hi WW  If it ain't broke don't fix it  what your doing is working for you, stick with, and also the lower you go the less% your supposed to cut by but personally I don't take any notice of %  that's what got me into the long running problems I have. Cutting small pieces at my own slow pace I was doing great then I went at Ashton's rates which were a LOT faster, I was doing LONG HOLDS between each cut  previously, and a LOT bigger cuts and have spent the last 3 year's trying to find some stability. Stick with what's working for you its not a race to get off and there's no prize for getting off as fast as you can but it sure can cause lots of problems. 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

[Guest [...]]

Hi,

Just checking into the group.

After several short term uses of V over the last 20 years I got addicted due to ignorant Dr's and 2 weeks in a psych ward where I was poly drugged and my V was increased to cover an SSRI that i reacted strongly to. V up to 15mg and lyrica added as well. After 6 weeks I was tapered forcibly to zero and lasted 4 weeks and was only allowed to reinstate at 12mg. I didn't ever stabilise as such and the depression and anxiety just kept on getting worse. I blamed lyrica and cut from 300mg to zero in just over 6 months but still my mentel health continued to decline. 

I'm off lyrica but still poly drugged and just started a liquid taper last week. I've only dropped 2% of my total dose in this time through daily cuts and haven't reacted well with lots of anxiety etc. so I think I'm in the right group here as I'm going to have to hold for a while after each and every cut.

Staz

Hi Staz and welcome.  It sure does sound like you've made a lot of changes in a short while with meds.  I'm hoping that you have some medical folks who are helpful and trustworthy atm??  The lyrica may have been doing more than you know in helping with depression and anxiety.  I know that I am tapering off benzos first and then will see about the Mirt that helps with my sleep.  That'll be my last step, and that's just me.  We all have to do what is best for our individual physiology...

I know that holds have helped me when things seemed to be in chaos internally!!!

  And as a result of holding I can now do a DLMT in a way that isn't too sxs ridden.

Wishing you the best!

SS

Thanks SS.

My shrink has been most unhelpful and seems to think you can drop psych meds with ease. In the UK system it's hard to get another opinion unless you pay privately then our health system basically disowns you. I've had to go back to my starting dose of V due to Christmas and family illness. It was probably a bad time to start but I've never felt stable on V after my reinstatement but as you point out I've made a lot of meds changes in the last year or so. I think my CNS is shot and the only thing my shrink can suggest now is ECT. How that's going to help V induced depression I don't know. Also any benzo reduces the effectiveness of ECT so I've read.

Staz

[[To...]]

Sorry to see that some buddies had a tough time this Christmas. Hope you all get to feeling better.

 

We have hosted a large family gathering for 25 years - but my wife got sick with a fever and we had to cancel two days before. Felt very strange to not be together with everybody on Christmas and my poor wife felt guilty, but it was the right thing to do.

 

[[dr...]]

Hi,

Just checking into the group.

After several short term uses of V over the last 20 years I got addicted due to ignorant Dr's and 2 weeks in a psych ward where I was poly drugged and my V was increased to cover an SSRI that i reacted strongly to. V up to 15mg and lyrica added as well. After 6 weeks I was tapered forcibly to zero and lasted 4 weeks and was only allowed to reinstate at 12mg. I didn't ever stabilise as such and the depression and anxiety just kept on getting worse. I blamed lyrica and cut from 300mg to zero in just over 6 months but still my mentel health continued to decline. 

I'm off lyrica but still poly drugged and just started a liquid taper last week. I've only dropped 2% of my total dose in this time through daily cuts and haven't reacted well with lots of anxiety etc. so I think I'm in the right group here as I'm going to have to hold for a while after each and every cut.

Staz

Hi Staz and welcome.  It sure does sound like you've made a lot of changes in a short while with meds.  I'm hoping that you have some medical folks who are helpful and trustworthy atm??  The lyrica may have been doing more than you know in helping with depression and anxiety.  I know that I am tapering off benzos first and then will see about the Mirt that helps with my sleep.  That'll be my last step, and that's just me.  We all have to do what is best for our individual physiology...

I know that holds have helped me when things seemed to be in chaos internally!!!

  And as a result of holding I can now do a DLMT in a way that isn't too sxs ridden.

Wishing you the best!

SS

Thanks SS.

My shrink has been most unhelpful and seems to think you can drop psych meds with ease. In the UK system it's hard to get another opinion unless you pay privately then our health system basically disowns you. I've had to go back to my starting dose of V due to Christmas and family illness. It was probably a bad time to start but I've never felt stable on V after my reinstatement but as you point out I've made a lot of meds changes in the last year or so. I think my CNS is shot and the only thing my shrink can suggest now is ECT. How that's going to help V induced depression I don't know. Also any benzo reduces the effectiveness of ECT so I've read.

Staz

Staz

You cannot have ECT while on a benzo.  They would have to take you off it or cancel its action somehow.  I went through this and also rTMS already. PM me if you want details

[[...]]

Hello dear turtle buddies 🐢🐢🐢😘😘😘

 

I hope some of you  were able to enjoy Christmas or whatever celebrations you had . 🎄🕊

 

I was in the holiday disaster group! Had a horrible few days , my symptoms amped up about 3 days before , I didn't have any plans anyway as I was already not so good and knew I couldn't handle much . Still dissapointing though , my 3rd Christmas in bed .

 

I feel sad that I have been trying to do this taper since June 2016 , and have only managed 20% reduction of my dose , and have been so ill,  mostly anyway , with it .

I fear I will never get stable , that I'll be one of those rare few who these drugs a re actually so toxic to , or who are kindled and tolerant , and that I'll have to taper off and have a miserable time.

It's been so long since I had a break , makes me wonder if I'm doing something , or not doing something,  that is making me so sick . I've got all the 'what if ' thoughts too Bluepill.

 

I shall be so glad when I can actually taper . How long have I been saying that ? For now i put  it down to the abrupt Valium to K switch.

 

Sorry , I'm a bit depressed today writing this 

 

I guess this time of year is so much harder , with expectations and marking of the years passing by .

 

I like your attitude ATU , that even if you die getting there , you're going to do it anyway .

 

I think I will adopt your point of view , I've been holding out for a goal that is getting my health back , we can't know . I do believe I will , but who knows ? I like your goal anyway . I'm so sorry it's rough right now for you , and freeme, Staz, Drummerboy, and anyone else struggling . 

 

TMB, I'm sorry you're wife got sick , next year I hope it will be back to celebrating with your family.....

 

Hi Nova, i hope you're hanging in there  Heath , SS , Begood  (I think you're secretly an angel in our group 😇😘 ) Lynn ,  Anne  HS if you're around ?  Bluepill  NJ  , Barbara  , Baddove  , Wonder Woman  , barn angel 

( I haven't read all the posts so if I've missed anyone , you too  )

 

Valley , thank you for steady support and being a pillar of strength for this group , you are very much appreciated 

 

As are all of you , I'm  so grateful for this group , and I wish you all much healing in 2018 with many blessings and much happiness ,

 

Love, MiYu 😘🕊🙏🏻🕊🐢🐢🐢❤️🌟🙏🏻

 

Ps , yes Begood , if only we could hear from our dear friend Cant. Well, we can send him Blessings and love anyway wherever he is 🙏🏻🕊❤️

 

 

 

[[...]]

Thank you for the suggestions on green tea Heath , and theanine (SS?)

I tried theanine a couple of times , I'm not sure it agreed with me , I could try again . I love jasmin green tea! I used to drink it every day , but haven't in along time . I think I will make myself a very weak cup , it's such a pleasure just the aroma is uplifting

 

❤️MiYu

[[Gi...]]

I hope all who celebrate Christmas had a reasonably good one.  Now onto 2018, more tapering and healing.  I hope to be off by the end of next year, perhaps sooner.

I made up a solution to do a daily micro taper, .01 mg/ ml.  It is scary to start as it is unknown to me, and I feel good now.  I thought I would cut 0.0005 to start and see how that goes, then adjust from there. Does that sound reasonable to you veteran microtaperers?

Although I do not contribute much, I read this group daily and learn from everyone.  My post concussion syndrome symptoms are improving at a faster pace than any time since it happened over two years ago, so something is working.  I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time and I wish the same for everyone here.

Happy New Year.

[[Gr...]]

Hey Guys!

 

TooManyBennies -  Congrats on stopping the daytime dose!  That's a big step. 

 

Staz & drummerboy -Welcome to the Group! 

 

Baddove and ValleyUm and Heathcliff- Add me too your list of people who have taken years to taper.  I started two years before BB, so I'm at 4 years now. 

 

Wonderwoman- I'm curious as to how the next cuts will effect you.  My plan, is when I'm ready, to only cut .005mg of klonopin.  I am hoping that it will be so crazy small, that my body will barely notice. 

 

Merry Christmas Everybody.  I made it through.  Santa came last night for my son and it was so much less stressful to have it AFTER we went to my parents.  My main symptom right now of withdrawal is my back pain.  My anger has gotten much better, although when I say this, my husband does not really think so. So I know I need to work on this more and try and be more sympathetic to him. 

 

[[be...]]

Hello dear turtle buddies 🐢🐢🐢😘😘😘

 

I hope some of you  were able to enjoy Christmas or whatever celebrations you had . 🎄🕊

 

I was in the holiday disaster group! Had a horrible few days , my symptoms amped up about 3 days before , I didn't have any plans anyway as I was already not so good and knew I couldn't handle much . Still dissapointing though , my 3rd Christmas in bed .

 

I feel sad that I have been trying to do this taper since June 2016 , and have only managed 20% reduction of my dose , and have been so ill,  mostly anyway , with it .

I fear I will never get stable , that I'll be one of those rare few who these drugs a re actually so toxic to , or who are kindled and tolerant , and that I'll have to taper off and have a miserable time.

It's been so long since I had a break , makes me wonder if I'm doing something , or not doing something,  that is making me so sick . I've got all the 'what if ' thoughts too Bluepill.

 

I shall be so glad when I can actually taper . How long have I been saying that ? For now i put  it down to the abrupt Valium to K switch.

 

Sorry , I'm a bit depressed today writing this 

 

I guess this time of year is so much harder , with expectations and marking of the years passing by .

 

I like your attitude ATU , that even if you die getting there , you're going to do it anyway .

 

I think I will adopt your point of view , I've been holding out for a goal that is getting my health back , we can't know . I do believe I will , but who knows ? I like your goal anyway . I'm so sorry it's rough right now for you , and freeme, Staz, Drummerboy, and anyone else struggling . 

 

TMB, I'm sorry you're wife got sick , next year I hope it will be back to celebrating with your family.....

 

Hi Nova, i hope you're hanging in there  Heath , SS , Begood  (I think you're secretly an angel in our group 😇😘 ) Lynn ,  Anne  HS if you're around ?  Bluepill  NJ  , Barbara  , Baddove  , Wonder Woman  , barn angel 

( I haven't read all the posts so if I've missed anyone , you too  )

 

Valley , thank you for steady support and being a pillar of strength for this group , you are very much appreciated 

 

As are all of you , I'm  so grateful for this group , and I wish you all much healing in 2018 with many blessings and much happiness ,

 

Love, MiYu 😘🕊🙏🏻🕊🐢🐢🐢❤️🌟🙏🏻

 

Ps , yes Begood , if only we could hear from our dear friend Cant. Well, we can send him Blessings and love anyway wherever he is 🙏🏻🕊❤️

Hi there fellow 🐢 glad to hear from you always, Praying that things start turning for you for the better, you are one strong Lady, please never forget that, your strength will get you through this even when you think you can not bear another day. I am hoping Cant is happy and healthy, just have nagging feelings, but yes I Pray each day for him and all that I have met here. Your Mountain is high, but I have no doubt that one day you will reach the top. Stay Strong dear MiYu. 🕊 Peace.

[[He...]]

Hi everyone happy holidays and post holidays to all! I finally stabilized on my long hold and have not had any sxs in a couple weeks after a long wave. I know it’s time to resume the taper in the next week or so and am curious what people think of how much to cut? I’m at .06 klonopin doing a dry cut with a gram scale and now that I’m so low I’m making very tiny cuts. Because I’m finally stable and actually feel the best I’ve in months I’m wondering if I can be a bit more aggressive and make a bigger cut (by bigger I mean 10%). Would love any input from veteran long holders. Thanks!

Hi WW  If it ain't broke don't fix it  what your doing is working for you, stick with, and also the lower you go the less% your supposed to cut by but personally I don't take any notice of %  that's what got me into the long running problems I have. Cutting small pieces at my own slow pace I was doing great then I went at Ashton's rates which were a LOT faster, I was doing LONG HOLDS between each cut  previously, and a LOT bigger cuts and have spent the last 3 year's trying to find some stability. Stick with what's working for you its not a race to get off and there's no prize for getting off as fast as you can but it sure can cause lots of problems. 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

 

Hi Wonder Woman...

Just chiming in to say I agree with Nova 100%. Don’t look for trouble! Do what you are doing. It’s working! Don’t mess around!

 

All the best....Heath

[[To...]]

 

  .....

 

TMB, I'm sorry you're wife got sick , next year I hope it will be back to celebrating with your family.....

 

  .....

 

Thanks, MiYu. So sorry you are going through a tough time. Chin up on your taper. It will take however long it needs to take. In the meantime, I hope you find relief soon and that 2018 is your year to break through!

[[To...]]

Hey Guys!

 

TooManyBennies -  Congrats on stopping the daytime dose!  That's a big step. 

 

Staz & drummerboy -Welcome to the Group! 

 

Baddove and ValleyUm and Heathcliff- Add me too your list of people who have taken years to taper.  I started two years before BB, so I'm at 4 years now. 

 

Wonderwoman- I'm curious as to how the next cuts will effect you.  My plan, is when I'm ready, to only cut .005mg of klonopin.  I am hoping that it will be so crazy small, that my body will barely notice. 

 

Merry Christmas Everybody.  I made it through.  Santa came last night for my son and it was so much less stressful to have it AFTER we went to my parents.  My main symptom right now of withdrawal is my back pain.  My anger has gotten much better, although when I say this, my husband does not really think so. So I know I need to work on this more and try and be more sympathetic to him.

Thanks, GreenCup. It got to be such a pain to make time for measuring out such a small amount for my daytime dose, especially while I was traveling, that I just eliminated it. I took about a 5 day hold on micro tapering my night dose to make sure that I didn't have w/d sxs. Luckily, I tolerated the change and I'm continuing my .01mg per day cuts.

 

Just two tenths of a milligram to go!

[[Wo...]]

Hi, thanks for responding to my last post. I am a bit confused about the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” advice. Just to clarify that the last time I made a cut several weeks ago I had an awful wave and finally stabilized. Are you meaning that I should continue with those type of tiny little cuts then wait to stabilize and not get aggressive and go for a 10% cut or that I should keep holding here because I’m doing well right now? I think probably the former but just needed clarity. Was thinking about doing a tiny .001 or .002 gram cut tonight. Thanks y’all!

[[bl...]]

Miyu;

Hang in there. Maybe X-Mas 2018 will be celebratory. All we can do is hope and go forward. Sorry you are struggling so...

Blue

[[He...]]

Hi, thanks for responding to my last post. I am a bit confused about the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” advice. Just to clarify that the last time I made a cut several weeks ago I had an awful wave and finally stabilized. Are you meaning that I should continue with those type of tiny little cuts then wait to stabilize and not get aggressive and go for a 10% cut or that I should keep holding here because I’m doing well right now? I think probably the former but just needed clarity. Was thinking about doing a tiny .001 or .002 gram cut tonight. Thanks y’all!

 

Well what I meant was I wouldn’t go for a 10% cut. The lower you go the smaller your cuts should be. I’d stick to the size of the cuts you have been successful with in the past. Since you are so low, the percentage cuts will seem very small but that’s what happens when you get so low.  But you won’t be sorry. It should be smooth sailing, hopefully if you keep your cuts to no bigger than 5 % of your last cut each time.

 

Heath...best of luck!

 

[[no...]]

Hello dear turtle buddies 🐢🐢🐢😘😘😘

 

I hope some of you  were able to enjoy Christmas or whatever celebrations you had . 🎄🕊

 

I was in the holiday disaster group! Had a horrible few days , my symptoms amped up about 3 days before , I didn't have any plans anyway as I was already not so good and knew I couldn't handle much . Still dissapointing though , my 3rd Christmas in bed .

 

I feel sad that I have been trying to do this taper since June 2016 , and have only managed 20% reduction of my dose , and have been so ill,  mostly anyway , with it .

I fear I will never get stable , that I'll be one of those rare few who these drugs a re actually so toxic to , or who are kindled and tolerant , and that I'll have to taper off and have a miserable time.

It's been so long since I had a break , makes me wonder if I'm doing something , or not doing something,  that is making me so sick . I've got all the 'what if ' thoughts too Bluepill.

 

I shall be so glad when I can actually taper . How long have I been saying that ? For now i put  it down to the abrupt Valium to K switch.

 

Sorry , I'm a bit depressed today writing this 

 

I guess this time of year is so much harder , with expectations and marking of the years passing by .

 

I like your attitude ATU , that even if you die getting there , you're going to do it anyway .

 

I think I will adopt your point of view , I've been holding out for a goal that is getting my health back , we can't know . I do believe I will , but who knows ? I like your goal anyway . I'm so sorry it's rough right now for you , and freeme, Staz, Drummerboy, and anyone else struggling . 

 

TMB, I'm sorry you're wife got sick , next year I hope it will be back to celebrating with your family.....

 

Hi Nova, i hope you're hanging in there  Heath , SS , Begood  (I think you're secretly an angel in our group 😇😘 ) Lynn ,  Anne  HS if you're around ?  Bluepill  NJ  , Barbara  , Baddove  , Wonder Woman  , barn angel 

( I haven't read all the posts so if I've missed anyone , you too  )

 

Valley , thank you for steady support and being a pillar of strength for this group , you are very much appreciated 

 

As are all of you , I'm  so grateful for this group , and I wish you all much healing in 2018 with many blessings and much happiness ,

 

Love, MiYu 😘🕊🙏🏻🕊🐢🐢🐢❤️🌟🙏🏻

 

Ps , yes Begood , if only we could hear from our dear friend Cant. Well, we can send him Blessings and love anyway wherever he is 🙏🏻🕊❤️

Hi M Hi Gang  Sorry your still suffering so much as well  I am debating whether or not to try a small cut after the holidays are over as the  severe Paresthesias I have amongst the other ongoing symptoms ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paresthesia)  is still horrendous, and I'm not sure if its the actual withdrawal its self as my CNS is till royally screwed, or if its the bloody Diazepam as Paresthesia is a bloody side effect but its also a withdrawal symptoms too Also quite a few of my other symptoms can be a known  side effect of Diazepam  and also a known withdrawal symptom, so its hard to work out what's causing what.

 

BUT........on top of that I also had major stress factors going on, building work going on for nearly 3 months plus work in the new apartment I've moved too, the actual move its self, loss of a young family member, my younger sister has a rare syndrome that only 3 other people in the UK has that's lethal, and gangs of other stuff I don't want to be writing an epic list about.

 

On the plus side I am now on the first floor with no one above me although the sound proofing here is minimal, well zero really as not having some one in my head space banging about above my head is better, yes I can still hear noise but at least I'm not in 24 hour dread as I was for 2 year's with an arsehole going out of their way to make my life a misery crashing about over my head.

 

Looking at what I just typed has bought home to me how much severe  stress  I've been under for sometime all this and more with a fkd up CNS, sometimes you just don't realise what a kicking you've actually taken at a time when you need NOOOO stress more than you ever did in your life. But its still a bit of a conundrum as to A is it  withdrawal? and I still need to stay at this dose I up dosed to a bit longer? Or B Is it the  bloody  known side effects of the Diazepam? its very hard to decipher what's what as most of my symptoms could be anyone of the two. 

 

 

Right now I'm thinking possibly try a small cut after all the Christmas  new year celebrations have finished around here as I live in a major city and for day's its like living in a war zine with all the freaking fire works going off for days longer than just one night. The Government ought to put a ban on certain ones November the 5th here the buildings where shaking with the impact of the explosions that how bad it gets well it actually went on for longer than just the 5th, I thought my windows were gonna blow out!! 

 

UK is under code red for ''Terrorist attacks and when the fire works are going off we could be getting bloody bombed and you'd never know the difference, I was living in London when there was a string of bombings  near to where I was living so I know what it sounds  and feels like when there's bombs going off. Any way looking again at what I've typed its not a good idea to attempt any change until that lot stops around here, and who knows, I could wake up tomorrow feeling better even though my minds saying  OH NO YOU WON'T!! Its all the nature of the beast really isn't it when it comes to Benzo withdrawal?

 

I'm even wondering as I've been crappy for so long is this actually my base line but then I refer back to the amount of stress I've been under, also day to day stress, there's a lot to consider but I'm definitely now not going to cut until at least the end of January or maybe hold out a bit longer.  I will wait and see, the other thing I started doing again after not being able to do it for 3 year's is drinking black tea with raw honey in it again as before it was definitely making me rough but now I'm constantly at the same level of rough that it makes no difference either way too be honest.

 

The only problem is does cause is I feel nauseous if I drink too much but I was like that BEFORE  this crap, I'm not sure if its the caffeine if I drink too much or its the milk , the lactose in it as I was drinking Raw milk . But I had to stop as I gained way too much weight on it as I was drinking quite a bit every day, I had glorious tits though but they shrank again now, back to normal size.  But is possible that the up-dose may have contributed to the wight loss as well,as I had to up dose 4 times in order to find a doe that enabled me to move form the hell hole I was living in from 3.45mg, then, to 5mg, then to 5.1/2 mg , then to 8mg, then to 10mg where I am now as I promised myself that I wasn't willing to go any higher no matter what.

 

And the last time I was at this dose was  year's back. Sometimes I get pissed that I had to come way back here after so long being lower in dose but it was a necessity as there was no way I could have moved other wise , so I try look at it as something I HAD to do, go backwards in order to move forward again. That's the way life works sometimes, you have to take steps back to get going forwards its not always counter productive to go backwards as long as its for the right reasons and the only person that can decided that is yourself, all the advice in the world won't do it for you.

 

And the motivation wasn't fear of the withdrawal either it was bloody Hobsons (choice https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hobson%27s_choice) And I have no fear about resuming my taper either even if it is from as way higher dose than I've taken for years, in fact I'm looking forward to it BUT....I also need to make sure that I don't jump the gun and holding longer may prove to be more prudent  all things taken into consideration. I NEVER look to see how long I've been holding except when I post like today as I'm sure many people that read this would like to/need to know so I've' juts checked it out on a time calculator, and its (as copied and pasted  )

 

5 Months, 6 Days, 19 Hours, 13 Minutes and 19 Seconds. I am now going back to 'Planet ignorant of how long I've been holding now'' as I don't believe there's anything to be gained by checking except for stress, paranoia, and convincing yourself your never going to heal as its taking you longer than the next person to stabilise. And the same with clock watching between doses hide the 2 C words  CALENDAR and CLOCK, although withdrawal is the third C word I can think of but am not posting that one I do not need a flood of complaints about my potty mouth thank you!!  ..... :laugh: :laugh:

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

 

 

PS THE SPELL CHECKER SPELLING IS MORE CARP THAN MY MIS-SPELLINGS!!!!!!!!!!