The Long Hold Support Group

[[ga...]]

I read this from an old thread this morning and thought it was appropriate to how we think, at times, during this process.  --V

 

I know this feeling well... There were days that were so dark for me. I was terrified I wouldn't heal...and on those days I thought there were only more of those dark days to come. That was a hard one for me. I was losing strength. I was a wreck. When I first experienced those days I let them get the better of me. I let them drain me of hope and strength. After a time I realized I couldn't keep letting that happen. I would start to ignore the voice in my head that told me to give up. I would actually say "stop" out loud. Doing this would give me a little strength back. It was a start. It was a tiny bit of fight in me that I didn't think I had left. Telling the voice to stop was a first step to taking as much control back into my life as I could. That was all I could muster...it was just one word but it was enough to keep me holding on some days.

 

Then those days got better. I didn't think it would happen but it did. It will for you. I know it's hard to see but you don't need to see it, you don't even need to believe it right now. All you have to do is tell that voice to "stop". Just for today. Even if you don't feel the strength you need, do it anyway...even if it's just going through the motions. Then one day, a day much sooner than you think...you're going to feel a little lighter...and soon all of this will be a distant memory.

 

You can do this. Your strength is still there... Your fight is still there. It's working for you. Have the faith in yourself that this is not going to stop you, that this is not going to define you. That this is not you. This is a small period of your life that sucks but it's not always going to be like this. You just have to get through today... You just have to find enough strength for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

 

You can do this. You will beat this. This is not stronger than you.

 

Thanks for posting this, V. I need it today. The benzo beast is telling me lies. Telling me I'm not strong. Telling me I will never get my pre-benzo self back. Probably I'm nervous because I need to start up my taper again tonight. And I'm not feeling like I had a long enough mini-hold. But, doctor's orders. I'll be OK. I have to remind myself of how much my long hold helped me and that my waves have not been tidal waves since my long hold. They will not drown me again.

[[He...]]

Ok, so here I am again. Trying very hard to keep up and missing all that is going on........

So I went back to my last post, 7 hours ago, and .........,l

THERE ARE 36 posts since then!

I can't skim, cause then nothing makes sense. Gotta read every one.

Ok so I am settling in with my pillow and blanky and going to read every word!

Just had to cheat first and see what that picture of the guy in the kit was all about.

:D ;D :laugh:

 

What a laugh!

 

The wedding should be a real kick! Personally I think it would be a great sight if everyone wore kilts.

 

Okay back to reading for atleast all day! What the heck it's Sunday! I hope everyone at my house leaves me alone. I'd love to power off my phone but I wouldn't dare. That is a sad situation, how I am addicted to my phone and iPad...but what the heck.

 

Good thoughts, hopes and wishes to everyone.

 

Ps...Can't, I went on the back of a motorcycle only once in my life. Scared the £~{*€<|~~|.,?¡*#      out  of me but what a blast!

 

Heath

[[ly...]]

I read this from an old thread this morning and thought it was appropriate to how we think, at times, during this process.  --V

 

I know this feeling well... There were days that were so dark for me. I was terrified I wouldn't heal...and on those days I thought there were only more of those dark days to come. That was a hard one for me. I was losing strength. I was a wreck. When I first experienced those days I let them get the better of me. I let them drain me of hope and strength. After a time I realized I couldn't keep letting that happen. I would start to ignore the voice in my head that told me to give up. I would actually say "stop" out loud. Doing this would give me a little strength back. It was a start. It was a tiny bit of fight in me that I didn't think I had left. Telling the voice to stop was a first step to taking as much control back into my life as I could. That was all I could muster...it was just one word but it was enough to keep me holding on some days.

 

Then those days got better. I didn't think it would happen but it did. It will for you. I know it's hard to see but you don't need to see it, you don't even need to believe it right now. All you have to do is tell that voice to "stop". Just for today. Even if you don't feel the strength you need, do it anyway...even if it's just going through the motions. Then one day, a day much sooner than you think...you're going to feel a little lighter...and soon all of this will be a distant memory.

 

You can do this. Your strength is still there... Your fight is still there. It's working for you. Have the faith in yourself that this is not going to stop you, that this is not going to define you. That this is not you. This is a small period of your life that sucks but it's not always going to be like this. You just have to get through today... You just have to find enough strength for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

 

You can do this. You will beat this. This is not stronger than you.

 

Thanks for posting this, V. I need it today. The benzo beast is telling me lies. Telling me I'm not strong. Telling me I will never get my pre-benzo self back. Probably I'm nervous because I need to start up my taper again tonight. And I'm not feeling like I had a long enough mini-hold. But, doctor's orders. I'll be OK. I have to remind myself of how much my long hold helped me and that my waves have not been tidal waves since my long hold. They will not drown me again.

 

Awww Gard :'(  wanna come over for a BLT?

[[He...]]

Oh my gosh. I took my iPad into the bathroom and I've been "sitting here" for almost an hour minding my own business and, ...... knock knock... are you ok in there?

 

I guess I better get out and find my pillow and blanky . Glad we have another bathroom in this house........ sometimes this is the only place to find peace and quiet enough to read Undisturbed.

 

 

[[ga...]]

 

Awww Gard :'(  wanna come over for a BLT?

 

Thanks, lynn. I will be right over as soon as I stop laughing at Heath's posts. Especially the one about the guy with the kit. (Love that auto-uncorrect.)

[[He...]]

Food for thought. And thank you all.  All of these things I have been trying for months.....benzo lie. I just don't feel like I'll ever get better.  Attempting a shower and then a walk.  This is hard. Sorry to be a kill joy.

Maybe your cuts are too large and have not all caught up yet. But it also sounds like the benzo lies have a hold of you..stomp on them....you can do this, all of us have had to fight them at one time or another. Stay Strong and Believe that you Can.

 

Yes, don't fear the symptoms.  They are common and will go away.  Just roll with it.  But fight those benzo lies.  A long hold got me to a good place.  I did have occasional dizziness and head wobbling on later cuts but it was fleeting.  I truly don't know how cutting thru bad symptoms will do anything but make things worse.  When sxs are bad your brain is talking to you (screaming).  Best to hold and slow down.

 

When you read that you must push thru the sxs, get the poison out, no healing until you are off, get it over and start the acute, long tapers get youu nowhere as acute and lengthy healing awaits no matter what...  Look at those signatures carefully.  How are these folks doing?  How many are on the protracted board?

 

Oh yes that is so true so true so true!

 

There was one buddy here who decided Togo faster than what was advised. That buddy did decide to get off more quickly but... that buddy came back here often asking questions like when will the wd really stop. That buddy was in recovery but in bad shApe! Wasn't sleeping, had crazy emotional anxiety for an extended time, even considered going back on benzo. Was in protracted  stuff.

So NO THANK YOU,

The long hold, slow taper is the only way to go for me.

I don't even go to other support groups anymore. What for? To fill myself with doubt? To give me wiry and anxiety? No thank you.

This is my home, right here. My buddies are my taper family for advice, support, reassurance, and lots of SILLIES, and it's all I need!

 

Heath

[[sl...]]

Ok, so here I am again. Trying very hard to keep up and missing all that is going on........

So I went back to my last post, 7 hours ago, and .........,l

THERE ARE 36 posts since then!

I can't skim, cause then nothing makes sense. Gotta read every one.

Ok so I am settling in with my pillow and blanky and going to read every word!

Just had to cheat first and see what that picture of the guy in the kit was all about.

:D ;D :laugh:

 

What a laugh!

 

The wedding should be a real kick! Personally I think it would be a great sight if everyone wore kilts.

 

Okay back to reading for atleast all day! What the heck it's Sunday! I hope everyone at my house leaves me alone. I'd love to power off my phone but I wouldn't dare. That is a sad situation, how I am addicted to my phone and iPad...but what the heck.

 

Good thoughts, hopes and wishes to everyone.

 

Heath

Heath I am totally addicted to my iphone ...in fact addicted to Apple but hell it's better than this withdrawal from the benzos 

 

The weddings do look picturesque though with the men in kilts  [or kits  ]

It'll be the Ceilidh afterwards when the fun will start - my Scottish dancing is not the best.

 

 

[[sl...]]

I read this from an old thread this morning and thought it was appropriate to how we think, at times, during this process.  --V

 

I know this feeling well... There were days that were so dark for me. I was terrified I wouldn't heal...and on those days I thought there were only more of those dark days to come. That was a hard one for me. I was losing strength. I was a wreck. When I first experienced those days I let them get the better of me. I let them drain me of hope and strength. After a time I realized I couldn't keep letting that happen. I would start to ignore the voice in my head that told me to give up. I would actually say "stop" out loud. Doing this would give me a little strength back. It was a start. It was a tiny bit of fight in me that I didn't think I had left. Telling the voice to stop was a first step to taking as much control back into my life as I could. That was all I could muster...it was just one word but it was enough to keep me holding on some days.

 

Then those days got better. I didn't think it would happen but it did. It will for you. I know it's hard to see but you don't need to see it, you don't even need to believe it right now. All you have to do is tell that voice to "stop". Just for today. Even if you don't feel the strength you need, do it anyway...even if it's just going through the motions. Then one day, a day much sooner than you think...you're going to feel a little lighter...and soon all of this will be a distant memory.

 

You can do this. Your strength is still there... Your fight is still there. It's working for you. Have the faith in yourself that this is not going to stop you, that this is not going to define you. That this is not you. This is a small period of your life that sucks but it's not always going to be like this. You just have to get through today... You just have to find enough strength for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

 

You can do this. You will beat this. This is not stronger than you.

 

Thanks for posting this, V. I need it today. The benzo beast is telling me lies. Telling me I'm not strong. Telling me I will never get my pre-benzo self back. Probably I'm nervous because I need to start up my taper again tonight. And I'm not feeling like I had a long enough mini-hold. But, doctor's orders. I'll be OK. I have to remind myself of how much my long hold helped me and that my waves have not been tidal waves since my long hold. They will not drown me again.

 

Yes, thank you Valley for posting that, I haven't seen it before.

hope you are ok Gard 

You have probably gone to bed now - I always forget the time difference.

Are you only allowed small holds now by your doctor?

Sorry for asking, I just looked at your sig and realised that you cut every month.

Take care 

[[ga...]]

Thanks, Slowly. No, not bedtime here. Lunch time. And clean the house day, so need to get up and get going! House cleaning as distraction. Hmm. Need to come up with something better!

 

Gard

[[He...]]

So I've been reading the early posts on the support group today .....the do anything...anything ....even cut to feel better resounded with me.  I guess I'm doubting the power of the hold cause I feel so crappy today .

 

Panic is not a good friend to hang out with.....

Another kill joy post but I need to talk ....hope that's ok

 

I can be fun....just not with these sxs.

 

I did change my signature to reflect that I was holding.

[[He...]]

The dizzy site did scare me too!

[[Va...]]

So I've been reading the early posts on the support group today .....the do anything...anything ....even cut to feel better resounded with me.  I guess I'm doubting the power of the hold cause I feel so crappy today .

 

Panic is not a good friend to hang out with.....

Another kill joy post but I need to talk ....hope that's ok

 

I can be fun....just not with these sxs.

 

I did change my signature to reflect that I was holding.

Don't feel bad about the way you're thinking. I'd be lying if I said I've never thought about doing a ct And getting it over with lol. Most of that kind of thinking is actually a symptom of withdrawal. It's easy to fall into the trap but you know how horrid withdrawal feels and going faster will likely just make it worse IMO. I had to make a firm commitment to hold or I never would have lasted but it was definitely worth It.

 

You aren't the first and won't be the last who has these feelings. There are many other active members of this group who echoed the same things you're saying when they first arrived. Hopefully they chime in. Don't be afraid to voice your thoughts. You're certainly not a kill joy. You have to be able to state your thoughts in order to figure out how you want to move forward. We're glad you're here. 

[[He...]]

Moving forward is the operative word......I guess it's been ingrained in me to keep moving forward by EVERYONE!!!  I guess just the idea of holding is hard.  It took you a long time to feel better.....

Everyone in this group seems so much farther along than I am. Yes I believe that was whining.....taught 4 year olds .....I recognize it anywhere

[[ga...]]

The dizzy site did scare me too!

 

I am 100% in favor of avoiding scary threads. There are some good threads, blogs, blogs, games on here. Look around and find something you like. I bookmark those and try to spend most of my time in threads that encourage me or I would go  .

 

Anybody want to help me try to reboot the puddings A-Z game? Puddings seems to mean dessert in the UK. That was the first topic. It went flying to others from there but seems to have gotten stuck.

 

puddings game

 

Gard

[[ga...]]

Moving forward is the operative word......I guess it's been ingrained in me to keep moving forward by EVERYONE!!!  I guess just the idea of holding is hard.  It took you a long time to feel better.....

Everyone in this group seems so much farther along than I am. Yes I believe that was whining.....taught 4 year olds .....I recognize it anywhere

 

I believe we are moving forward even when we are holding. We are giving our brains a chance to right themselves. So we are still one day closer to freedom even when we are holding.

 

Personally, I think you're being too hard on yourself. Anyone who could spend all day, every day with 4-year-olds deserves a medal and the right to whine a bit, benzo or no benzos.

 

Also, hang around awhile. New people will join and you will be giving them encouragement one day. Truly!

 

Gard

[[Va...]]

Moving forward is the operative word......I guess it's been ingrained in me to keep moving forward by EVERYONE!!!  I guess just the idea of holding is hard.  It took you a long time to feel better.....

Everyone in this group seems so much farther along than I am. Yes I believe that was whining.....taught 4 year olds .....I recognize it anywhere

While it seems many are ahead of you, I think back to this time last year. I had just done a small updose after holding and had started on liquid. I was at 12mg of V and had been at 11.5mg since February of that year. I had no idea what to expect when I started to taper again but found that tapering was much easier after the hold. It seems like everything has gone pretty smoothly since then. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that holding is also moving forward in the healing process as you are giving your brain some time to catch up and heal. You'll get where you want to be and you will heal. Time passes regardless and you'll find that it really wasn't that long when you look back.  --V

[[Va...]]

You beat me to it gard lol.  --V

[[Su...]]

Moving forward is the operative word......I guess it's been ingrained in me to keep moving forward by EVERYONE!!!  I guess just the idea of holding is hard.  It took you a long time to feel better.....

Everyone in this group seems so much farther along than I am. Yes I believe that was whining.....taught 4 year olds .....I recognize it anywhere

Hey Healing Seeker,

I'm a relative newby to this group and am way behind you in tapering.  I find this thread to be the most positive and supportive that i have found even if I'm not holding at the moment.  I have a plan to hold for a few months once I hit a place that I am not cutting up pills into tiny amounts.  Put away the liquid and the scale and hold.....  (And trust me I am totally doing a sxs based taper......) So I hang out here and post when I can.

And from my side, you can be what you call a "kill joy" any time you need to be. This trip ain't a cake walk, and I see that we can support each other, bad days and all.  It reminds me that we can talk about the good days and the super sh---y days.  I f we're only talking about the good stuff that isn't support in my book. 

SS

[[Su...]]

I read this from an old thread this morning and thought it was appropriate to how we think, at times, during this process.  --V

 

I know this feeling well... There were days that were so dark for me. I was terrified I wouldn't heal...and on those days I thought there were only more of those dark days to come. That was a hard one for me. I was losing strength. I was a wreck. When I first experienced those days I let them get the better of me. I let them drain me of hope and strength. After a time I realized I couldn't keep letting that happen. I would start to ignore the voice in my head that told me to give up. I would actually say "stop" out loud. Doing this would give me a little strength back. It was a start. It was a tiny bit of fight in me that I didn't think I had left. Telling the voice to stop was a first step to taking as much control back into my life as I could. That was all I could muster...it was just one word but it was enough to keep me holding on some days.

 

Then those days got better. I didn't think it would happen but it did. It will for you. I know it's hard to see but you don't need to see it, you don't even need to believe it right now. All you have to do is tell that voice to "stop". Just for today. Even if you don't feel the strength you need, do it anyway...even if it's just going through the motions. Then one day, a day much sooner than you think...you're going to feel a little lighter...and soon all of this will be a distant memory.

 

You can do this. Your strength is still there... Your fight is still there. It's working for you. Have the faith in yourself that this is not going to stop you, that this is not going to define you. That this is not you. This is a small period of your life that sucks but it's not always going to be like this. You just have to get through today... You just have to find enough strength for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

 

You can do this. You will beat this. This is not stronger than you.

 

Thanks for posting this, V. I need it today. The benzo beast is telling me lies. Telling me I'm not strong. Telling me I will never get my pre-benzo self back. Probably I'm nervous because I need to start up my taper again tonight. And I'm not feeling like I had a long enough mini-hold. But, doctor's orders. I'll be OK. I have to remind myself of how much my long hold helped me and that my waves have not been tidal waves since my long hold. They will not drown me again.

 

Yes, thank you Valley for posting that, I haven't seen it before.

hope you are ok Gard 

You have probably gone to bed now - I always forget the time difference.

Are you only allowed small holds now by your doctor?

Sorry for asking, I just looked at your sig and realised that you cut every month.

Take care 

 

Thanks for this quote!  I hadn't seen it either and love the sentiment..... i have a bumper sticker that says "Don't believe everything you think."

[[ga...]]

You beat me to it gard lol.  --V

 

I learned all I know from our chicken-meister!

[[ga...]]

 

Thanks for this quote!  I hadn't seen it either and love the sentiment..... i have a bumper sticker that says "Don't believe everything you think."

 

Love it! 

[[...]]

I was only off for two days but I finally caught up. I don't know how much of what I just read I remember though

 

Healing -- Holding has been a life saver for me. I tried the DLMT first and ended up hitting a wall. Then I tried tapering here and there and still eventually hit a wall again. I am fortunate to have a pdoc that encouraged me to just hold and I had discovered this group about the same time. I felt terrible for six months. I started to hold two months into that six months. At around three and a half months into my hold I got a window. It lasted for about a week and then I had a short wave. Since then I have been having windows and waves. Every time I think I'll start tapering again I go into a wave. I don't think they're realated, just coincidence So now I don't know how long I will end up holding. I've been holding for a little over five months now.

 

Question: I have a unique situation compared to many in this group. I can't remember if I have asked this before or not, forgive me if I have, as we all know benzo's really suck when it comes to remembering things. I CT off an AD 1 year and two months ago. How will I know when it is good to start tapering again? I had a window that was almost a month long so I was going to taper at which point a wave hit me. Right now I'm in a really bad wave. Worse than the last one and seeming to last longer. I have a wedding I'm supposed to go to on Saturday. I have problems with anxiety and agoraphobia, they are my main symptoms, so I don't know if the stress of leaving the house and staying at a hotel has triggered this wave. I'm just so frustrated.

 

It has been so helpful to read about the long holds, eight months and a year. It makes me think maybe I should just keep holding. It's so hard to hold though. My brain wants to see some movement. At the rate I've been able to taper so far it's going to take me 10 years to taper so the longer I wait to start the longer it will be before I'm off this stuff. I'll be in my sixties by then. Any thoughts about continuing to hold, should I wait until the windows get longer. How do I know when I'm stable enough to taper when after a month I get hit by another wave? So confused. It doesn't help that the benzo's are lying to me too. I love that discussion and the quote that V posted.

 

Oh yeah, I just changed over from one generic to another. I did a kind of taper over but I'm wondering if it may have caused this wave. So many questions...

 

Just feeling a little crazy right now.   I love the chit chat and the informative posts both. I love Can'ts new phone

 

Hugs to everyone and welcome to the new buddies. This is the best thread, IMHO   

 

 

 

 

[[Se...]]

 

Thanks for this quote!  I hadn't seen it either and love the sentiment..... i have a bumper sticker that says "Don't believe everything you think."

 

Love it! 

 

 

That is a classic quote!   

[[Va...]]

I was only off for two days but I finally caught up. I don't know how much of what I just read I remember though

 

Healing -- Holding has been a life saver for me. I tried the DLMT first and ended up hitting a wall. Then I tried tapering here and there and still eventually hit a wall again. I am fortunate to have a pdoc that encouraged me to just hold and I had discovered this group about the same time. I felt terrible for six months. I started to hold two months into that six months. At around three and a half months into my hold I got a window. It lasted for about a week and then I had a short wave. Since then I have been having windows and waves. Every time I think I'll start tapering again I go into a wave. I don't think they're realated, just coincidence So now I don't know how long I will end up holding. I've been holding for a little over five months now.

 

Question: I have a unique situation compared to many in this group. I can't remember if I have asked this before or not, forgive me if I have, as we all know benzo's really suck when it comes to remembering things. I CT off an AD 1 year and two months ago. How will I know when it is good to start tapering again? I had a window that was almost a month long so I was going to taper at which point a wave hit me. Right now I'm in a really bad wave. Worse than the last one and seeming to last longer. I have a wedding I'm supposed to go to on Saturday. I have problems with anxiety and agoraphobia, they are my main symptoms, so I don't know if the stress of leaving the house and staying at a hotel has triggered this wave. I'm just so frustrated.

 

It has been so helpful to read about the long holds, eight months and a year. It makes me think maybe I should just keep holding. It's so hard to hold though. My brain wants to see some movement. At the rate I've been able to taper so far it's going to take me 10 years to taper so the longer I wait to start the longer it will be before I'm off this stuff. I'll be in my sixties by then. Any thoughts about continuing to hold, should I wait until the windows get longer. How do I know when I'm stable enough to taper when after a month I get hit by another wave? So confused. It doesn't help that the benzo's are lying to me too. I love that discussion and the quote that V posted.

 

Oh yeah, I just changed over from one generic to another. I did a kind of taper over but I'm wondering if it may have caused this wave. So many questions...

 

Just feeling a little crazy right now.   I love the chit chat and the informative posts both. I love Can'ts new phone

 

Hugs to everyone and welcome to the new buddies. This is the best thread, IMHO   

Hi tntd.  In answer to your question, I would suggest holding until sxs are pretty even (i.e. not any better and not any worse).  If you know your symptom pattern sometimes that can help.  I really wish there were definitive answers to all questions.  Unfortunately in benzo land that is not the case.  I do believe an AD ct would complicate things for a while just based on what I know.  I'm currently tapering my daughter off of an AD. Hope things level out soon!  --V

[[sw...]]

Thanks, Slowly. No, not bedtime here. Lunch time. And clean the house day, so need to get up and get going! House cleaning as distraction. Hmm. Need to come up with something better!

 

Gard

Gardener:

Great reminders about the housework. "After the ecstasy, then the laundry." LOL

 

I have been on BB about 8 months now and have seen your wisdom in a couple of places. I was told to go to the Long Hold Thread to find great people. I am in a liquid taper now and have done a couple of holds for 3 weeks or so.