The Long Hold Support Group

[[Tr...]]

Hey everyone, I am going to write this so I can copy and paste. Lol.  I have to go back later and catch up. Dr okay with hold, yay, and the kind of liquid Diazapam builder and Libertas recommended, so 2 huge sighs.  The only bad thing, that could possibly be a good thing, I will know in time.  The liquid Diazapam is no longer going to be made by the manufacturer, which scared the crap out of me, they only had 6 bottles left, and so I got the liquid made by Teva, exactly the same, and also the pills I am on now .  Will that last my whole taper, who knows the way companies are changing and adding different generics.  I really wanted to freak out, but got myself under control.  I can just try.

Tim and I went out and had a disgustingly fattening breakfast and got our flu shots.  Exciting anniversary.  But to give you all a laugh....his anniversary card to me was all mushy and mine to him said "Thanks for feeding me and saying I'm pretty".   

( I got him a mushy one too  ).

Love you guys so much.  Will catch up later after my nap , Mary 💜💜💜💜💜

 

So.glad your doctor visit went well and you can both hold and use the liquid you want. I understand the nervousness around the brand stuff.  I'm in your corner Mary and you have my support.

 

I too will be married 24 years on Oct 7th. 

 

Happy Anniversary to you and Tim.

 

Oh, thanks so much FH, I know you are in my corner and it means a great deal to me.  Oct 7th, wow our Anniversaries are very close and both 24 years  . I was Tim's first, he was my second.  I was much wiser 2nd time around  .  Love you, hope the depression starts lifting soon.  Mary 💜💜💜

 

Thanks Mary.  🙏

And Rich is my first and I'm his second and it's been 35 years 😍

Now does anyone have 3rds or 4ths around here 😂😂

 

Just thought I'd jump in somewhere to say hello and this spot was as good as any 

[[Tr...]]

Sweet miss Mary D I'm feeling slighted I sent you a post and you didn't reply 😔.. Did you see it. It was no big deal I just wanted you to know how happy I was for you that everything worked out. Now I'm not one to sulk over things like that so I think it's probably more about me not liking my furniture and not about you at all 😂.. Oh well I'll have to live with it for a couple years.

TT.. And I'm really terrible today 🙄

[[In...]]

Intend, I've just read what you wrote the other day and yes, I am where you are. Saw the end of my rope years ago and yet somehow I am still around. Every day I think "I can't live another day like this" and then I do get through despite feeling like that. But what about the future? Will things improve or am I going to be like this for the rest of my life? Is that what you think? I am holding at 4.7mg V but I am on all the other crap. It seems I have a special Pandora's box in which everything flew out and Hope somehow went with it. That isn't part of the deal, is it? I can't even go out or mix with people. Yet I mixed with everyone on my birthday in July. What the Hell is going on?

 

Love to You, Dan and Pepper.  Gilly xxx 💙

 

Gilly,

 

I just get discouraged and fed up. And then other days I feel better and not so discouraged.

 

I do latch onto the basic concept here which helps me and that is that these receptors will upregulate and I can feel better and move faster with my taper. And yes, I do wonder if I’ll live the rest of my life like this. And then I think I just can’t be like this no matter whether I feel ok or not because these physical sx are always with me even if I do feel ok with my attitude.

 

I’ve developed a pattern where it’s on and off every other day. I think I can only say that’s it the typical windows and wave pattern, but these windows are barely perceivable by me if I can even call them that.

 

I think Hope really left me when all this switching of generics started. I live in fear that that will continue. And then there’s my voice. I really wonder if I’ve lost that battle.

 

I’ve not taken anything but clonazepam for years now in different generic brands, but’s it’s like I’ve been taking numerous drugs and doing cold turkeys and fast tapers on all of them. Obviously, my Central Nervous system is somewhat of a mess, and that alone upsets me very much. I can be around almost anyone without trouble, and yet I often do not to even leave the house.

 

With you, I’d say it’s a windows wave pattern, and with me, it’s these generic changes that keep me almost frozen and scared. It’s just a difficult  situation for both of us Gilly. Different, but difficult.

 

I think we can only try, and somehow we will survive this ordeal.  :oXo:

 

I’m adding to this Gilly to say that even today, I’m glad for Mary, but sad for myself. 💦

[[Ma...]]

Sweet miss Mary D I'm feeling slighted I sent you a post and you didn't reply 😔.. Did you see it. It was no big deal I just wanted you to know how happy I was for you that everything worked out. Now I'm not one to sulk over things like that so I think it's probably more about me not liking my furniture and not about you at all 😂.. Oh well I'll have to live with it for a couple years.

TT.. And I'm really terrible today 🙄

 

I am sorry TT, I was so far behind and I was trying really hard not to miss anyone.  I am so sorry you had a crappy day.  Yes, 3 month official hold , yay.  Actually ends up, she is a believer in holding over holidays, wish I had known that last year.  She says they are just so stressful, withdrawal on top, is often too much.  She has a lot of opioid patients.  So that went well, Yay.  Really sorry I missed your post.  You know I love you.

I haven't ever read where anyone has said the have had 3 or 4. , that alone could lead to benzo use  .  Mary 💜💜

 

[[Tr...]]

Sweet miss Mary D I'm feeling slighted I sent you a post and you didn't reply 😔.. Did you see it. It was no big deal I just wanted you to know how happy I was for you that everything worked out. Now I'm not one to sulk over things like that so I think it's probably more about me not liking my furniture and not about you at all 😂.. Oh well I'll have to live with it for a couple years.

TT.. And I'm really terrible today 🙄

 

I am sorry TT, I was so far behind and I was trying really hard not to miss anyone.  I am so sorry you had a crappy day.  Yes, 3 month official hold , yay.  Actually ends up, she is a believer in holding over holidays, wish I had known that last year.  She says they are just so stressful, withdrawal on top, is often too much.  She has a lot of opioid patients.  So that went well, Yay.  Really sorry I missed your post.  You know I love you.

I haven't ever read where anyone has said the have had 3 or 4. , that alone could lead to benzo use  .  Mary 💜💜

Oh no don't be sorry sweet D, I just didn't want you to think I didn't care bc ya know I do!

 

Yeah not liking the furniture in my living room so of course I have to change a lot in the room like color And a few other accent pieces of furniture but I'm looking on the bright side I get to go shopping tomorrow 😁 Rich said go buy what I think will make the living room work for me 😂😂.. Love that man! Lol!! 

 

I'm glad everything went well for you. Now maybe you can enjoy the holidays and not even think about the taper until after Christmas, that's wonderful!

 

Yes 3rd or 4ths would require benzos and well everything in the arsenal 😂

[[Ma...]]

Sweet miss Mary D I'm feeling slighted I sent you a post and you didn't reply 😔.. Did you see it. It was no big deal I just wanted you to know how happy I was for you that everything worked out. Now I'm not one to sulk over things like that so I think it's probably more about me not liking my furniture and not about you at all 😂.. Oh well I'll have to live with it for a couple years.

TT.. And I'm really terrible today 🙄

 

I am sorry TT, I was so far behind and I was trying really hard not to miss anyone.  I am so sorry you had a crappy day.  Yes, 3 month official hold , yay.  Actually ends up, she is a believer in holding over holidays, wish I had known that last year.  She says they are just so stressful, withdrawal on top, is often too much.  She has a lot of opioid patients.  So that went well, Yay.  Really sorry I missed your post.  You know I love you.

I haven't ever read where anyone has said the have had 3 or 4. , that alone could lead to benzo use  .  Mary 💜💜

Oh no don't be sorry sweet D, I just didn't want you to think I didn't care bc ya know I do!

 

Yeah not liking the furniture in my living room so of course I have to change a lot in the room like color And a few other accent pieces of furniture but I'm looking on the bright side I get to go shopping tomorrow 😁 Rich said go buy what I think will make the living room work for me 😂😂.. Love that man! Lol!! 

 

I'm glad everything went well for you. Now maybe you can enjoy the holidays and not even think about the taper until after Christmas, that's wonderful!

 

Yes 3rd or 4ths would require benzos and well everything in the arsenal 😂

 

Tim is like that, we are lucky women.  I bought a new ceramic pumpkin for my collection that will be coming out soon.  We celebrate Day of the Dead here, so it's a pumpkin but also kind of scary, so it goes with harvest and Halloween, I take the candles off my bigger candle holders and put the pumpkins 🎃 on them and set them all over fireplace.  If it wasn't 98 degrees here with heat index  .  Definitely, 3rd or 4th would need full arsenal    I am really hoping I get to enjoy holidays, that would be so great 

[[Tr...]]

Sweet miss Mary D I'm feeling slighted I sent you a post and you didn't reply 😔.. Did you see it. It was no big deal I just wanted you to know how happy I was for you that everything worked out. Now I'm not one to sulk over things like that so I think it's probably more about me not liking my furniture and not about you at all 😂.. Oh well I'll have to live with it for a couple years.

TT.. And I'm really terrible today 🙄

 

I am sorry TT, I was so far behind and I was trying really hard not to miss anyone.  I am so sorry you had a crappy day.  Yes, 3 month official hold , yay.  Actually ends up, she is a believer in holding over holidays, wish I had known that last year.  She says they are just so stressful, withdrawal on top, is often too much.  She has a lot of opioid patients.  So that went well, Yay.  Really sorry I missed your post.  You know I love you.

I haven't ever read where anyone has said the have had 3 or 4. , that alone could lead to benzo use  .  Mary 💜💜

Oh no don't be sorry sweet D, I just didn't want you to think I didn't care bc ya know I do!

 

Yeah not liking the furniture in my living room so of course I have to change a lot in the room like color And a few other accent pieces of furniture but I'm looking on the bright side I get to go shopping tomorrow 😁 Rich said go buy what I think will make the living room work for me 😂😂.. Love that man! Lol!! 

 

I'm glad everything went well for you. Now maybe you can enjoy the holidays and not even think about the taper until after Christmas, that's wonderful!

 

Yes 3rd or 4ths would require benzos and well everything in the arsenal 😂

 

Tim is like that, we are lucky women.  I bought a new ceramic pumpkin for my collection that will be coming out soon.  We celebrate Day of the Dead here, so it's a pumpkin but also kind of scary, so it goes with harvest and Halloween, I take the candles off my bigger candle holders and put the pumpkins 🎃 on them and set them all over fireplace.  If it wasn't 98 degrees here with heat index  .  Definitely, 3rd or 4th would need full arsenal    I am really hoping I get to enjoy holidays, that would be so great 

Day of the dead huh? You creepy people :laugh:.. I do like scary movies at Halloween time. I always liked Halloween though and the month of October.

 

I would die in that heat 🔥 it's going to be 58 degrees here tonight. I'm sleeping with the windows open tonight, that's some nice cool air for sleeping. I think were going into the 60's over the weekend I believe. We're taking the grandkids to a farm for pumpkins and a hay ride, we go every year for years, first with the kids and now kids and grandkids! Wow, time flies! 

🎃👻💀🧙🦇🏚️🕷️🕸️🦹

[[Tr...]]

Actually Mary when I was at Disney world last year we went to Epcot where all the countries are and we went into Mexico and they had beautiful skulls painted all different beautiful colors for day of the dead. Me and my daughter in law both bought a key chain with a beautiful hand painted skull on it.

[[Ma...]]

Sweet miss Mary D I'm feeling slighted I sent you a post and you didn't reply 😔.. Did you see it. It was no big deal I just wanted you to know how happy I was for you that everything worked out. Now I'm not one to sulk over things like that so I think it's probably more about me not liking my furniture and not about you at all 😂.. Oh well I'll have to live with it for a couple years.

TT.. And I'm really terrible today 🙄

 

I am sorry TT, I was so far behind and I was trying really hard not to miss anyone.  I am so sorry you had a crappy day.  Yes, 3 month official hold , yay.  Actually ends up, she is a believer in holding over holidays, wish I had known that last year.  She says they are just so stressful, withdrawal on top, is often too much.  She has a lot of opioid patients.  So that went well, Yay.  Really sorry I missed your post.  You know I love you.

I haven't ever read where anyone has said the have had 3 or 4. , that alone could lead to benzo use  .  Mary 💜💜

Oh no don't be sorry sweet D, I just didn't want you to think I didn't care bc ya know I do!

 

Yeah not liking the furniture in my living room so of course I have to change a lot in the room like color And a few other accent pieces of furniture but I'm looking on the bright side I get to go shopping tomorrow 😁 Rich said go buy what I think will make the living room work for me 😂😂.. Love that man! Lol!! 

 

I'm glad everything went well for you. Now maybe you can enjoy the holidays and not even think about the taper until after Christmas, that's wonderful!

 

Yes 3rd or 4ths would require benzos and well everything in the arsenal 😂

 

Tim is like that, we are lucky women.  I bought a new ceramic pumpkin for my collection that will be coming out soon.  We celebrate Day of the Dead here, so it's a pumpkin but also kind of scary, so it goes with harvest and Halloween, I take the candles off my bigger candle holders and put the pumpkins 🎃 on them and set them all over fireplace.  If it wasn't 98 degrees here with heat index  .  Definitely, 3rd or 4th would need full arsenal    I am really hoping I get to enjoy holidays, that would be so great 

Day of the dead huh? You creepy people :laugh:.. I do like scary movies at Halloween time. I always liked Halloween though and the month of October.

 

I would die in that heat 🔥 it's going to be 58 degrees here tonight. I'm sleeping with the windows open tonight, that's some nice cool air for sleeping. I think were going into the 60's over the weekend I believe. We're taking the grandkids to a farm for pumpkins and a hay ride, we go every year for years, first with the kids and now kids and grandkids! Wow, time flies! 

🎃👻💀🧙🦇🏚️🕷️🕸️🦹

 

That sounds like such a pleasant time TT, take lots of pics.  60's 

[[4G...]]

Intend, Thanks for getting back to me. I know the generics have messed you about a lot. I think they are messing me about too. I also know that you have other things going on, your voice of course, plus family issues.

 

I'm lucky that I don't have any physical difficulties, but the mental ones ( which, after all, are also physical due to down regulation) are horrible. Makes me wonder if I can make it through, but I think everyone must think that.

 

I've had a few minor upsets recently. I'm just hoping that I will improve now that everything seems to have calmed down. Perhaps the elusive window might appear, though it doesn't seem like it will when I'm in a wave.

 

I hope things improve for you. Have you read the poem "Say Not The Struggle Naught Availeth". It comforts me sometimes.

 

Love, Gilly xxx 💙

 

 

[[In...]]

Intend, Thanks for getting back to me. I know the generics have messed you about a lot. I think they are messing me about too. I also know that you have other things going on, your voice of course, plus family issues.

 

I'm lucky that I don't have any physical difficulties, but the mental ones ( which, after all, are also physical due to down regulation) are horrible. Makes me wonder if I can make it through, but I think everyone must think that.

 

I've had a few minor upsets recently. I'm just hoping that I will improve now that everything seems to have calmed down. Perhaps the elusive window might appear, though it doesn't seem like it will when I'm in a wave.

 

I hope things improve for you. Have you read the poem "Say Not The Struggle Naught Availeth". It comforts me sometimes.

 

Love, Gilly xxx 💙

 

I’ve never read it before Gilly, but I just did read it.

 

Anything worth fighting for will be a struggle, and the struggle will be worth it. 💙💚💛

[[va...]]

Good morning Stutt. The past two days have been much better AT LAST. I hadn't had more than three hours in a row of not being in panic since June, so this is welcome. I know there are waves behind the corner but this gives me hope. Stutt you really never get a window? Ever? Ugh.

Awe Vali that is good news.Now you know it is working honey.Keep the faith you will get there given enough time.

  No never had a couple of flickers of feeling amazing seconds but that has been the height of it.l was disappointed at the beginning however you must deal with the hand your dealt.l am grand just plodding on as per usual.

I hope you continue to feel good my love.l have everything crossed for you.X

 

:smitten:

 

Morning Stutt! Hope you start getting some of them windows them for Christ's sake. I don't know how you can stay positive through no windows. Are you faking it till you make it like Eastcoast always says? I do that through my waves but to spend years like that.... ugh.

[[Ma...]]

Stut, my Queen......are you here?  It feels like weeks.  Hope you and sis didn't catch that cold.  I miss you woman!  Love ya, Lady Mary, aka the hen 🐥🐥🐥🐥King Joe still hasn't eaten me, but I am having to lay eggs like crazy, whew, tiring. 

 

 

Morning LHSG, hoping all have a better day than yesterday.  Love you guys!  Mary 💜💜💜💜💜

[[Ma...]]

DD, how are you this morning, been thinking about you  :smitten:

[[De...]]

Hi M,

Im ok. Just feeling very emotional about this whole benzo thing. Bgot hit with feelings about my life. Grieving about past things.  Maybe its a good thing. Maybe ive been holding them inside for so long. I always try to br the mice one the happy one the strong one and i end up hurt in the end. It dont know it may just be wd. Maybe a little depression. I will be ok.

Did you start the new medicine today? I am so happy it worked out. I new it would yay!!!! I hope you are not in to much pain. Its going to get better!!! I know that pain and it gets better. Mine let up. I never thought it would. Yours will too!! Love you dd ❤

[[Ma...]]

Hi M,

Im ok. Just feeling very emotional about this whole benzo thing. Bgot hit with feelings about my life. Grieving about past things.  Maybe its a good thing. Maybe ive been holding them inside for so long. I always try to br the mice one the happy one the strong one and i end up hurt in the end. It dont know it may just be wd. Maybe a little depression. I will be ok.

Did you start the new medicine today? I am so happy it worked out. I new it would yay!!!! I hope you are not in to much pain. Its going to get better!!! I know that pain and it gets better. Mine let up. I never thought it would. Yours will too!! Love you dd ❤

 

Your pain let up. That is great, mine is hanging around.  Hoping the hold will help ease it some.  I'm sorry you are depressed girlfriend.  It's very easy yo be depressed during this, some of it's med, some is situational.  I am sure most of us have both.  You are really  a happy person though, I will bet that is one of your symptoms that goes away first.  Had to order the new liquid Diazapam so not quite sure day I will begin crossing over very slowly.  Everything we do, need to remember to go slowly, damn benzo's.  It's a relief to know I have 3 months to hold and know my Dr is on board.  Took some pressure off.  I hope you feel better as the day goes on, try not to think about the past, it doesn't help, try to stay in the present.  Your pain is gone, that is fabulous, think about that!!  Love you, MM 💜💜💜

[[De...]]

I think thats it too. It is the slowness of this whole  thing. I woke up today and i said, that is it im done. I am going to just lay here and never get up. The same thing everyday. It is tiring.  Thats not me though. I always push myself. Im always hopeful. Di you rhink im too happy. Do i seem manic. This whole thing maked you wonder who the heck am.i. ahhhh

Well the hard part is over! You can relax and breath now. You have a goid dr. You can hold and you got your meds!!!! Now we just gave to get you better!!!! Love dd 

[[Ma...]]

I think thats it too. It is the slowness of this whole  thing. I woke up today and i said, that is it im done. I am going to just lay here and never get up. The same thing everyday. It is tiring.  Thats not me though. I always push myself. Im always hopeful. Di you rhink im too happy. Do i seem manic. This whole thing maked you wonder who the heck am.i. ahhhh

Well the hard part is over! You can relax and breath now. You have a goid dr. You can hold and you got your meds!!!! Now we just gave to get you better!!!! Love dd 

 

I think it's pretty obvious who you are, a happy, smart woman, that found herself in this horrible position of having to withdraw from meds, no one ever told her could cause such misery.  You are a little manic sometimes, but that is so normal going through this DD.  You are doing so much better than when you first came to bb, making progress, making friends and offering support.  I am so proud of you  :D

[[Fi...]]

Woke up better today.  A chunk of depression has lifted and that is a relief. 

 

I have been using Melatonin to help with sleep and realizes yesteeday I have been taking more than I realized. The dropper was confusing.  I thought I was taking .25-.50, when I was actually taking between 1-3mgs.  I think in excess it can cause depression.  I have been using it nightly for the past 2 or 3 weeks but before was alternating with other things.  Not sure that's the only reason, I do think my small cuts caught up with me as well. 

 

But even though there is the usual thread of sadness running though me about being on meds, I do feel some relief.  Am still holding. 

 

I hope everyone has a decent day today and thanks for the ongoing support. 

 

[[De...]]

Thanks mm, You made me feep better! i always felt weird sometimes  :-[like i need to calm myself down. Ugh hope its not to bad i just have anxiety off the charts. Always have.lucky me. However, not this bad 24/7 stuff.

[[Ma...]]

Woke up better today.  A chunk of depression has lifted and that is a relief. 

 

I have been using Melatonin to help with sleep and realizes yesteeday I have been taking more than I realized. The dropper was confusing.  I thought I was taking .25-.50, when I was actually taking between 1-3mgs.  I think in excess it can cause depression.  I have been using it nightly for the past 2 or 3 weeks but before was alternating with other things.  Not sure that's the only reason, I do think my small cuts caught up with me as well. 

 

But even though there is the usual thread of sadness running though me about being on meds, I do feel some relief.  Am still holding. 

 

I hope everyone has a decent day today and thanks for the ongoing support.

 

Really glad you got up feeling better FH.  When I take melatonin, I break a 3 mg pill in half.  I am pretty sure 3 mgs is still in baseline of pretty low, not sure I would worry to much if it's helping.  You might want to taper it tiny bit when you stop it.  I only take it about once a month.  One thing Diazapam is good for is sleep, but one day (hopefully) will be too low and will need to raise my melatonin then.  Try not to be sad, you are improving, love ya, Mary 💜💜

[[De...]]

Hi m, crazy person here.  I thought the mania was my windows omg lol. Who am.i...i think this has been happening for years. Wow..the benzos huh then i go off on a tangent of jokes its weird. Kill me knowb

[[De...]]

Wow m, you are so smart. Smarter than drs.

[[Ma...]]

Wow m, you are so smart. Smarter than drs.

 

That sure isn't true.  I was always anxious too, probably why we both drank and ended up on benzo's.

Genetics, how we were raised, life events.  Never ceases to amaze me when I read all our stories how much a like many are.  You are on your way to heathy DD 

[[De...]]

Me too m, the anxiety was so bad. Starting drinking quit and then benzos. Our stories are alike! We are both on our way to healing.  better days ahead