18 Months and Healed

[[Sk...]]

Just to be clear, I'm not saying that I'm "totally healed" or that I don't have some kinks that I'd like to work out a little more.  I was not "perfect" before benzos.  I've learned the hard way that no pill is going to resolve stress or anxiety from coming up in life.

 

God Bless,

Vertigo

 

I'm glad you're doing better. I feel the same way in regards to your quote above. I just posted my success story as well. I feel like I'm back to normal but I still feel a little bit funny once in a while. So... Is that me or the withdrawal? It's so mild that it's hard to tell. Either way I'll deal with it on my own.

 

Steve

[[ve...]]

Just to be clear, I'm not saying that I'm "totally healed" or that I don't have some kinks that I'd like to work out a little more.  I was not "perfect" before benzos.  I've learned the hard way that no pill is going to resolve stress or anxiety from coming up in life.

God Bless,

Vertigo

 

I'm glad you're doing better. I feel the same way in regards to your quote above. I just posted my success story as well. I feel like I'm back to normal but I still feel a little bit funny once in a while. So... Is that me or the withdrawal? It's so mild that it's hard to tell. Either way I'll deal with it on my own.

Steve

 

Thanks for your comment, Steve.  I'll check out your story now. I agree that one can post a success story but not feel 100 or 95% all the time.  I think the CNS can be sensitive to stress in the first couple years off, what you describe as "feeling a little funny".  I'm not sure it's "withdrawal" per se, rather a nervous system that is still a little raw and still adapting all the trauma of what it's been through.

 

Hey Pangelingua.  Thanks for your reply too.  I know you know what I'm talking about with regards to the sensitivities. Yes, thankfully, most and the worst is behind us now .

 

Vertigo

[[Sw...]]

Hi Vertigo!  Long time no chat.  You sound like you are doing very well.  Glad to hear.    Just stopping by to see how everyone is doing.  How's Hero doing?  Hope all is well!

[Guest [...]]

Verti

 

I have been here for months and only today stumbled across this.  Wow i loved reading your story and I love how you have hung around and been so supportive of others in their journey that is admirable.  You spend so much time reassuring others I do hope you are taking care of yourself.  Anyway HI to you again on your own blog.

 

Lizzy

[[Ch...]]

Vertigo,

What an amazing story of success!  You are an inspiration to all here on BB and so generous to continue to support others...

Challis

[[ma...]]

Hi Vertigo

 

Thank you for story, its amazing and it will help so many, as Challis said you truly are an inspiration.

 

I was starting to think the anxiety was the real me, but it dissapeared around 12 months

 

thanks again this is geat news

 

Magrita

[[ve...]]

Thanks Lizzy, Sweetpepper, Challis, Skippy and Magrita.  I have found that the second year off valium has been one which has continued to be a healing year for me.  Others have written about the subject of stress and sensitivity to stress being something that can be a challenge once past the acute withdrawal phase and even after the majority of post benzo healing and recovery.  As one starts to feel "normal" or "onself", I have found that you might tend to want to push the limits a bit more each month or every few months, whether it's to try something new, take on a challenge, get out and be more social, travel more, try a new job... whatever it might be.  One sometimes realizes how much one has accomplished  in getting off the benzo and staying off. 

 

Yet there are also times when one can push things a little too far or too fast, as in having one or two drinks more than one might be ready for or it could be some other issue.  I think anxiety is not something that just disappears.  It may diminish to some extent if one has been extra careful to avoid high stress situations or experiences during that first six months to a year off (if one has that ability).  Yet, it hasn't been possible for me to stay in a coccoon.  There have been some really difficult things to go through both during taper and afterward, mostly regarding my father's health and some family matters.  I've learned to manage anxiety a little better rather than try to eliminate it completely.  Sometimes one can become stronger by taking on some things that might make one feel more anxious initially.

 

This past Spring I took on a challenge of coaching my son's sports team, something I had not done and certainly wouldn't or couldn't have considered a year ago.  It's been an interesting challenge and something I have enjoyed more than I expected.  Yet, it was definitely pretty stressful at first and I had some days where my adrenalin was high and some sleep disturbances off and on during the last couple months.  Yet it's something I know my son and I will remember for the rest of his life as a childhood memory and fun experience. 

 

As I reached my 2nd year off valum at the end of last year, I realized that I've survived this ordeal and come out stronger.  Yet there are still times when I feel like I've not quite gotten to 100%.  I still have some of the original issues for which I took valium (anxiety, insomnia and some fatigue which I attribute mostly to the anxiety).  Maybe I'm not built to be at calm and peace most of the time.  Part of this is that my elderly father is still battling cancer and it is not easy to have a family member who has a terminal illness.

 

I first took valium back in 2008 partly as a result of a year or two of ongoing stress from that situation.  Now it's been over five years and my father has been fortunate to have three or four remissions and survived pneumonia and several hospitalizations.  It's like he has 9 lives, yet something has been taken from my health as a result of the multiple flights out there, dealing with a difficult sibling who has not been very kind to our father or to me in the last two years in particular. There's always the possibility that a call will come and I'll have to fly out either for a difficult medical problem or possibly for a funeral.  Not getting along with my sibling is expected to result in some stressful situations regarding my father's home and estate, so that's in the back of my mind too.  Yet all I can do is the best I can to help my father and try to take care of my own health to the best extent possible.  Life is no easier or particularly "less anxious" off the benzo but it's helpful to have a clear mind and to have some more insight into how best to cope with anxiety and stress that comes along.

 

Vertigo

[[ve...]]

v

[[ve...]]

Just want to add a few more things in advance of my departure from forum next week.  It's going to be a busy summer and I won't be able to continue being part of the forum.  It's 3 years since I first came to BB and one year since I wrote my "success story" on this thread.

 

Life can be full of stress and painful situations,if you live long enough. My take is that one's CNS may be extra sensitive after benzos, perhaps for several years. With time,I think it's possible that the CNS will become calmer, maybe GABA areas will rejuvenate and naturally start acting like they're supposed to. I think one can balance out and at the same time, learn better coping skills for when times get tough.  I don't experience that intense cortisol induced "withdrawal anxiety" that I had last January, 2011, but I still have some periods of strong anxiety.

 

I would be thrilled to wake up and be "anxiety free", but after living 50 years,I have come to realize that it's only going to last until the next stressful thing happens, whether an illness in the family,a personal health problem, a death in the family,a job loss or problem at work, financial crisis, relationship issue, problem with a child (if you happen to be a parent) or something else. Life is messy and can be difficult.

 

I have resolved to tryand cope with life as best as possible.  I don't have expectations of bliss or eliminating anxiety.  I have accepted whatever comes. I suppose it's possible that with time, some remaining issues will dissipate. I think things can and do get better. A calmer nervous system would be nice. Maybe that is still in store for some of us . 

 

Don't get me wrong. I have moments of joy and experience much happiness in life and in the last year too. Things are much better off the benzo than on it!. I'm sure there might be others who are struggling with some life stress or several things at once and wonder how much is benzos, tapering, or post benzo... vs just life in general. One thing for sure that I can tell anyone reading this. I'm very glad I'm off the benzo and facing life with my full mind and body,even if not perfect, no sugar coating pills to confuse matters and no sugar coating the fact that life can still be difficult at times, after the benzo.  Life can be tough but we can be too!

 

God Bless all of you,

 

Vertigo

[[Fa...]]

Thanks for your words of wisdom Vertigo.

Faulk

[[mt...]]

Thanks Verti for all you have done for me and so may others here on BB.  I am planning on moving on myself very soon.

I so agree with all you have said.  One realization through this ordeal has been an "increased" awareness and sensitivity to

LIFE and the ongoing obstacles that are part of living.  It looks bleak and negative at times to think about growing older and the health issues that are a normal part of aging.  I seem to have lost quite a bit of my eternal optimism.  I hope that my outlook will become more positive and less worrisome as time moves forward and my CNS settles down.  Catastrophic thinking is one of the aspects of benzo withdrawal I look forward to putting behind me.  I know on many levels I have been blessed. I pray that on "most days" I observe the world (and life) with appreciation and gratitude.

 

I do feel thankful for all the support you have shown me over the years.  It has restored my belief in the kindness of strangers.  While I may not be able to pay it forward to you in your own life, I will be mindful to extend myself to others with the same grace and comforting words you have shown all of us here.

 

I send you sincere blessings for a wonderful life!

Mimi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[ve...]]

Thanks Verti for all you have done for me and so may others here on BB.  I am planning on moving on myself very soon. I so agree with all you have said.  One realization through this ordeal has been an "increased" awareness and sensitivity to  LIFE and the ongoing obstacles that are part of living.  It looks bleak and negative at times to think about growing older and the health issues that are a normal part of aging.  I seem to have lost quite a bit of my eternal optimism.  I hope that my outlook will become more positive and less worrisome as time moves forward and my CNS settles down.  Catastrophic thinking is one of the aspects of benzo withdrawal I look forward to putting behind me.  I know on many levels I have been blessed. I pray that on "most days" I observe the world (and life) with appreciation and gratitude.

 

I do feel thankful for all the support you have shown me over the years.  It has restored my belief in the kindness of strangers.  While I may not be able to pay it forward to you in your own life, I will be mindful to extend myself to others with the same grace and comforting words you have shown all of us here.  I send you sincere blessings for a wonderful life!

Mimi

 

Thanks Mimi.  I'm happy to have helped a fellow buddy(ies) like yourself on the way to their benzo freedeom. You've done a remarkable job of helping others too since you finished your taper .  I agree that it's sometimes important to remind ourselves of how far we've come especially when life throws something at us that is more stressful than usual.  Growing older (and hopefully wiser at least part of the time ) has it's ups and downs.  I think this process through the last few years has certainly aged me and changed my outlook in some ways.  I'm still optimistic that there are opportunities for much joy and happiness that can be experienced in life, but perhaps with a little more caution is all.  I'll be around through the week.  Maybe we'll cross paths again between now and then. If not, I wish you much peace and happiness as well.

 

 

Vertigo

[[ha...]]

Dear Vertigo,

Inspiration, experience, hope, challenges and strength.

 

That's you,

Thanks me,

That us all here to heal and help heal each other.

Gratitude and Blessed Be!

 

Hanging in there  (and coasting down the Ashton protocol, enjoying the ride!

[[ve...]]

Dear Vertigo,

Inspiration, experience, hope, challenges and strength.

 

That's you,

Thanks me,

That us all here to heal and help heal each other.

Gratitude and Blessed Be!

 

Hanging in there  (and coasting down the Ashton protocol, enjoying the ride!

 

Nice poem Hangin in there

 

Vertigo

[[ve...]]

Well, it's about 9:30PM Eastern standard time on Sunday, June 3rd, 2012.  3 years ago, I came to this forum after having tapered down from 6 to 2mg, perhaps a little bit on the rapid side.  I discovered that I needed to hold for a few weeks to stabilize before continuing onward.  If you've read any of my story on this thread, you know that it was rough going at the end of my taper (family and health problems) which complicated my recovery.  My healing was not linear but rather involved several setbacks in the first year or so off. Yet gradually, things have improved and gotten to a point where I can say that I am ready to move on.  Honestly, I could have left forum a year ago but many buddies encouraged me to stay on and continue to help some others along the way, which I have done.  The time has come to get back more fully into my life offline.  I will try to return in six months to post a final 3 year summary of how things are going.  I hope that anyone who might come across this post or thread, will realize that we do heal from benzo dependency.  It may take a while for GABA to rejuvenate or for the nervous system to settle down, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

God Bless,

 

Vertigo

[[Ca...]]

Vertigo,

 

    Go and live life! That is everyone's goal right? Thank you for your support and encouraging words! Good luck to you!

 

-CL

[[ve...]]

c

[[ve...]]

Vertigo,

Go and live life! That is everyone's goal right? Thank you for your support and encouraging words! Good luck to you!

-CL

 

Hi everyone and thanks CL for your kind remarks.  I left forum a couple weeks ago but have returned to make a few posts in the cold turkey section of forum and here, on the impact of c/t on the inner ear, which I realized I should have made before leaving.  I am 30 months post taper and doing well.  However, I don't know that I would be had I continued with the c/t that I did back in 2008.

 

As some of you know, I did a c/t off 6mg valium almost 4 years ago.  Within a few weeks, agitation and insomnia built up and then vertigo (extreme dizziness) plus some mild intermittent tinnitus hit as the last of the valium processed out at the three week mark. 

 

I went to a neurologist specializing in the inner ear/balance disorders (called an otoneurologist) and I also met with his vestibular therapist (physical therapist for inner ear balance issues).  She told me that the (oto)neurologist she works for always tapers his patients off even as "low a dose" as 2.5mg valium (over several months) due to the potential dangers to the inner ear from rapid benzo withdrawal.  So if you've tapered down to 2mg valium and considering jumping, it might be worth reconsidering the potential damage that can still be caused to the inner ear! 

 

I reinstated 5mg valium and began a slow 10 month taper a few months later (in 2009).  I finished my taper in November, 2009.  I've not had vertigo since (there was one occasion in 2011 when I thought it might be coming back, but it didn't).  I had intermittent occasional mild tinnitus in the first few months off the valium in 2010 and during taper once in a while, but I suspect it could have been much worse had I not reinstated and done the slow taper.  Within a few days of reinstating the valium, the vertigo was gone.  Maybe I was lucky but reinstatement helped me.  I started a thread in the Cold Turkey section of forum (a couple months ago) on the topic of when to consider reinstating, perhaps it will help some folks weigh the pluses and minuses.  Of course, there are no guarantees that tapering will mean that you will have no tinnitus, dizzies or inner ear side effects, but they may be diminished.

 

 

Rapid tapers or c/t off benzodiazapines can be ototoxic (toxic to the inner ear).  Folks here should be aware of this when considering c/t or detox.  Our ears and hearing are precious.  I've read too many stories of folks who have gone with c/t who have had ongoing inner ear problems since, sometimes for years. 

 

I should add that I took bonine (similar over the counter medication to dramamine) for one week on a cruise at the same time I was taking valium on a three week trip that summer 2008 (my doctor did not inform me that valium would have helped with motion sickness and that the bonine was not necessary ) .  So I not only went c/t off the valium but also had stopped taking the bonine a week earlier.  I've read where some buddies here have taken dramamine to help with sleep after benzo detox or c/t, which is probably not the best choice given the impact that the withdrawal of benzodiazapenes can have on the inner ear.  Taking dramamine for some days and stopping it might also lead to problems for some folks, as it did for me. 

 

Consult with your doctors folks about over the counter meds you might be taking as well as the potential impact on your ears from c/t or detox.  If you don't have an otoneurologist in your area, see your otolaryngologist (Ear, Nose and Throat) doctor.

 

Vertigo (no more!)

 

[[Fa...]]

Vertigo, Great to see you back for an "escape" dose of forum.  Please do come back periodically.  We all enjoy and learn so much from your thoughtful advice.

Hope you are enjoying your summer.

Best,

Faulk

[Guest [...]]

hahaha Faulk love it thats funny escape dose.  Hey verti you missed us didnt you told you c/t is tough my friend only the tough can do it lolol just a personal joke their people not for real.  Hope you are having a great time

 

 

your pal

 

Lizzyxx

[[ve...]]

hahaha Faulk love it thats funny escape dose.  Hey verti you missed us didnt you told you c/t is tough my friend only the tough can do it lolol just a personal joke their people not for real.  Hope you are having a great time

 

your pal

 

Lizzyxx

 

Thanks Faulk and Lizzy.  Yep, the c/t off forum is not easy   but I'm getting back on the wagon .  Good luck with the rest of your taper and post benzo healing, Faulk.  I hope the nausea gets better for you.

 

Best wishes and be well,

 

Vertigo