Has anyone successfully healead childhood trauma and recovered from CPTSD?

[[ne...]]

Hello dear benzobuddies,

 

I am doing talk therapy with a psychotherapist + CBT in order to break free from past pain and suffering from my difficult childhood. My psychotherapist insist we revisit again and again the traumatic memories until the emotional charge is released, but I cry and cry, and don't feel anything has improved at all. Moreover, each session leaves me in intense psychological pain, flashbacks, nightmares and ruminations. So far, I don't seem to make any progress, the emotions are as strong as ever and there is no relief.

 

So, I started researching other methods, like art therapy, Pesso-Boyden system, journaling. It will help immensely if someone who has tried some of these things before could give me some input, as I don't want to spend more money and time pursuing dead ends... this childhood trauma is poisoning all relationships I have with people in my life, including the relationship with myself, and making my benzo recovery that much more difficult.

 

Thank you, I am gratefull for you all.

[[or...]]

I am doing talk therapy with a psychotherapist + CBT in order to break free from past pain and suffering from my difficult childhood. My psychotherapist insist we revisit again and again the traumatic memories until the emotional charge is released, but I cry and cry, and don't feel anything has improved at all. Moreover, each session leaves me in intense psychological pain, flashbacks, nightmares and ruminations. So far, I don't seem to make any progress, the emotions are as strong as ever and there is no relief.

 

I certainly can't tell you what to do, but having gone through the same process you are describing, I have a little insight. I've been in talk therapy for my CPTSD for almost 10 years. This is not a quick process. Am I better? Yes, lots. Do I still cry? Yes. But the flashbacks and the nightmares are mostly gone. Does my childhood abuse continue to ruin my life and poison my relationships? No. At least not to the degree it did. I have some triggers but I know now what they are. My emotional pain is greatly reduced.

 

Maybe tell your therapist that you are still in a lot of pain. You can switch things up in therapy. I don't get it that your therapist "insists" that you revisit these events and accompanying memories. True, telling our awful stories repeatedly takes the sting out of them (btw I don't think the emotional charge is ever completely released). But the insisting needs to come from you. You need to go at your own pace, and when you do, in my experience, the memories become less painful. But it takes a lot of time. Journaling is good -- my therapist and I read my, ahem, writing often. I haven't felt the need to try any of the other things you've mentioned.

 

Trauma therapists are highly trained and really, really hard to find. I wouldn't trade mine in for anything. But if you feel that things aren't going well, tell her. If you have a good relationship (attachment) you and she will be able to figure out how to best help you. (And I think art therapy and writing therapy would be excellent additions to talk therapy . . . but not substitutions. Speaking just for myself, of course).

 

My therapist is going to a trauma conference in CA next week. I appreciate that she keeps learning. She always comes back from her conferences with suggestions for reading. Have you read any of Bessel Van Der Kolk's writing? He is the world's leading expert on trauma. He feels that "bodywork" is a good for trauma sufferers, especially yoga. I get what he is saying, but found that tai chi is better for me than yoga. I need to move. Maybe this is something you could add to your talk therapy?

 

Anyhow, I hope some of this has been useful to you. Childhood abuse is like a millstone around our necks -- but the weight can be made lighter. I don't know if it can ever be eliminated (speaking for myself), but it sure can be understood and made more bearable. (And it's sure miserable to be dealing with it in the middle of benzo withdrawal).

 

PM me if you want to talk more.

 

 

Katz

 

 

[[ne...]]

Thank you, Katz, for your wonderful words of wisdom and compassion! 

 

I am happy to hear there is hope, that you are free of most of your emotional pain, altough, to tell you the truth, 10 years in therapy seems a little daunting!  I will try and discuss with my psy about other approaches, and see if she is open to that. I don't think she has any special trauma training though.

 

Those are some good suggestions, I have come across Bessel Van Der Kolk in my research, but I have yet to read his writings. Anyway, some form of movement will do me good, as I am at the moment very sedentary, and will think about adding Yoga or Tai Chi into my daily routine.

 

Also thank you for offering your support via PM, I will contact you if I have more to discuss in the future.

 

Sending love and healing vibes,

[[ma...]]

new0girl, I'm trying to heal too. Yes, read The Body Keeps the Score from trauma scientist Bessel van der Kolk. The book is long but not so difficult to read because you'll relate with a lot of what he says. He explains that trauma is stored in the ancient emotional part of our brain, which is hardly accessible through conventional cognitive therapy. He talks specifically about that idea that talking about the trauma will eventually resolve it. This is a traditional idea in psychiatry/psychology, which he says is outdated. It's now known that revisiting the trauma without first creating emotional safety can be retraumatizing and worsen the situation - could it be what is happening to you? He recommends other ways to achieve that feeling of safety, which is not simply rational but emotional, based on the body-brain connection. I agree with him and from practical experience with myself and my daughter, I believe mainstream therapists won't help you. I'm working with a trauma therapist and she is very careful with avoiding retraumatizations.

 

What helps me the most is yoga and physical exercise in general plus studying the subject and journaling. I need them all. Therapy I still don't have an opinion. I like to talk with her but the amount of insight and comfort it gives me is very small compared to what I get from my other activities. Of course, it provides validation which is important. We can also get validation at online forums but talking to someone one-on-one feels good. So let's see.

 

[[ne...]]

Thank you, Magnesi, for sharing your experience and your advice. 

 

I just finished reading Bessel's book. For me, it was a difficult read, not in terms of the language used, or the numerous studies cited, but because he mentions so many horrible things people went through, it was constantly triggerring me. I had insomnia, nightmares and panic attacks form reading it!  :'( I wish my therapist would read this instead! But, she isn't a trauma specialist and isn't open to trying anything new. She sticks to her talk therapy, and dismisses everything on the grounds of me wanting to avoid my healing work because its unpleasant. Oh well... I want to take a break from any appointments right now, anyway, as I am going nowhere near crowded waiting rooms and offices until the epidemic is over.

 

That being said, I got a lot of value out of the book; I understand now what is happening in my body and brain, I have now a better grasp of the things I need to work on, various strategies that can help, and I have name for what I am going through.

 

I also found a treatment guideline for CPTSD here:

and many more resources here: https://www.outofthestorm.website/

Maybe you can find some use out of them too.

 

I will take up yoga too, and want to read Pete Walkers book next, ”Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving”. My plan is to first learn to regulate my emotions and yes, feel safe in my body. Even though I am isolating, to avoid people triggering me, I cant avoid my memories, and triggers from inside me. I need to learn to live with them, without getting overwhelmed by them.

 

May we both find peace and healing!

[[ma...]]

Thank you new0girl, I hope so

 

Pete Walker's book is also very good and you will read it, in my opinion, in the right order. I read it before Bessel's book but Bessel's is more general so I think it's better to start with it as you did. Pete Walker has an essentially psychoanalytic approach but within Bessel's tool kit of trauma techniques that kind of approach is just an item. However, Pete Walker focuses specifically on cptsd whereas Bessel mixes ptsd and cptsd. For me, Pete Walker's psychoanalytic approach makes a lot of sense AFTER we find a way to reach a physical/emotional safe place. I also prefer Bessel's Internal Family Systems method of dealing with our inner critic, to Pete Walker's idea of angrily confronting it. The critic is a part of ourselves, which arose for self-protection, so it makes more sense and feels better to thank it for that effort and gently ask it to give space also to the other family members than to harshly confronting a part of ourselves, which may be counterproductive. I made summaries of Pete Walker's book chapters 6, 8 and 9, that I found particularly useful - you can find them from here on http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=233684.msg3006272#msg3006272. You can find Pete Walker's own summaries and other of his cptsd articles here http://pete-walker.com/index.htm.

 

Bessel's book may have been triggering to you because of your predominant stress response (chapter 6 of Pete Walker's book). My predominant response is the flight response. Therefore, reading, making summaries, etc, fits perfectly. However, if you have a predominantly freeze response, based on dissociation and avoidance, I don't know if it's your case, that may make less sense. In that case, it's probably better to take it easy, using and abusing of the relaxation, self-care and community techniques that Bessel talks about. But read Pete Walker's chapter 6. He talks about all that and the specific challenges each type has to face.

 

It's sad that your therapist isn’t open to anything new but unfortunately that’s the most common case. Therapists, in general, are very mediocre, at least the ones I’ve been seeing for my daughter. She’s a teen with PTSD and their ignorance has made her situation worse and worse until I decided to start researching the subject myself, reading psychology and psychiatry articles and books until I understood what was going on. They go to school, learn a few things and then repeat them to infinity to earn money. If therapy isn’t working they simply blame the client, which is what makes me most angry. An intelligent and ethical therapist would first ask him/herself if their method was appropriate but no, instead of making an effort to cure you they just want you to conform to the mediocre models they have learned to apply. And then they get angry when things don't work. I think you do well to interrupt.

 

The problems with the benzo and the AD taught me that mainstream psychiatry is bullshit and now my daughter's ptsd and my own cptsd are suggesting that mainstream psychology is not better. Oh well. Please protect yourself.

 

Thank you for the links, I'll check them tonight

 

PS - My comment ended up so loooong!

[[He...]]

I have had  therapy for 10 years in the past, with a very talented trauma therapist.  However, everything has changed in ptsd land.  Cognitive therapy, revisiting the trauma to finally get over it, is not effective.  Trauma recovery doesn’t work like other cognitive issues.  It’s an outdated and potentially damaging method.  If you feel worse, stop.  Tell her why if you want to.  Or not.  You don’t owe her anything and she’s not in charge.  You don’t need to be retraumatized by old traumas.  Rest.  I now do EMDR.  In less than 10 sessions, I’ve healed years of trauma.  I know because it feels different in my brain.  And yes, all while tapering the benzos.  And it’s eased the taper.  You need a trauma therapist who really understands ptsd.  And respects your pace.  Look up EMDR and consider that.  It’s possible to heal cords, in that it re integrates in your brain and becomes a memory without the intense charge or trigger it once had.

[[ne...]]

Thank you, Healing! I am really happy to hear that you finally found relief! 

 

I am familiar with the EMDR procedure, as I have now read Bessel’s book, and he describes it in detail. Unfortunately, its more successful for PTSD than CPTSD, which, well,is more.. complex, and needs a stage based approach. But, I am educating myself and have hope that I will manage to find a way out of this mess.

 

Magnesi, no worries, your comment is not too long! 

You raised some very good points relevant to our situation. Unfortunately, its like the benzo story all over again: we have to learn and find solutions for ourselves. Its cool that you set up a place for exploring your trauma and keeping notes, maybe we can support each other and share our finds and our progress there. It will be a long and arduous journey. Thanks for sharing your finds! 

 

On another note, I am deeply sorry to hear about your daughter. It breaks my heart and makes me angry when children suffer needlesly. I admire you for staying by her side, and fighting for her wellbeing! 

[[ea...]]

I had childhood trauma, and know it was why I ended up abusing benzos. I could not sleep after age 8. From 8 to 17 I had terrible insomnia. At 17 I discovered both illicit drugs and alcohol. I began using them simply so I could sleep. Well, this became my nightly pattern for years.

I was in CBT for a few years but because I was on benzos then the teachings did not sink in at all. Or so I thought. My therapist was a good one, and she told me about "faking it". Forced positivity is another name for this. My poor benzo addled brain back then could not grasp this stuff, but apparently I did hear this and retained it. Because early in my horrible cold turkey wd I started doing this. And it worked. It took several years to work. But in the end I became a far more positive, hopeful person. What happened to me at 8 years old still hurts, and it has affected my entire life. I cannot claim I am healed from that stuff. I know I am not. But I no longer live in dread and fear, and I sleep okay now.

I can tell you that "faking it" does work. Try a search for "positive thinking changing your life" and see what you get back. I think AA uses sort of the same approach, but in a different way. The 12 Steps and terrific advice for anyone who wants to improve their lives.

east

[[Ma...]]

I did.

 

A short term behavioral therapy done with a well educated trauma wise therapist with a lot of knowledge. If you keep crying again and again your therapist does something wrong with you. The goal is you walk out stable when you leave the office. If this is not the case you NEED to change the kind of therapy and the therapist. Try to find someone who is better educated and uses EMDR. A good sign to find out if the therapist is good is to find out if he or she follows these guidelines:

1. Work with the patient on strategies to find stability in order to make him ready to find back into reality after having spoken or faced trauma.

2. only guided confrontation or NO confrontation in case the patient is not able to stabilize alone! (if this is not the case, you will be retraumatized)

3. behavioral therapy instead of any kind of analysis and talking again and again. (latest studies show that this is more helpful)

4. If you can only work on your stability at the moment, this is the thing he or she would work with you on - and they would NOT allow you to even talk about events which were traumatizing, if you are not yet able to bring yourself back into a stable condition when you are home, alone.

 

A good therapist has an eye on you, not on the money. And will tell you "at the moment, we cannot work on this trauma. We have to train yourself first."

For me, it took me so long before we could go into confrontation, and in the end, confrontation were about 2 sessions. The main part was just how to deal with upcoming feelings, prevent flashbacks and looping thoughts and how to deal with the smyotms the body would bring up.

[[ma...]]

Its cool that you set up a place for exploring your trauma and keeping notes, maybe we can support each other and share our finds and our progress there. It will be a long and arduous journey. Thanks for sharing your finds! 

 

On another note, I am deeply sorry to hear about your daughter. It breaks my heart and makes me angry when children suffer needlesly. I admire you for staying by her side, and fighting for her wellbeing! 

 

You're welcome anytime new0girl. And thank you

[[ne...]]

Thank you, ladies, and sorry for the delayed response. I was dealing with the falllout of a massive emotional trigger.  :'(

 

eastcoast62, I will search for positive thinking ideas, it cant hurt and its free! I love techniques like that!    Also, please look into EMDR, as mentioned on this thread, it works excellently for incident-specific trauma. There IS freedom from the prison of our past!

 

Marigold1, you always give such good advice! I’ve read the guidelines for CPTSD treatment issued by the The International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, and they are basically saying the same thing. First, focus on emotional stability, build coping skills, and then work on trauma. In NO WAY was I stable after those sessions, it took me at least three agonising days to stabilize. I have major issues with mood regulation. 

 

I am happy to hear that you managed to work this all out, this gives me hope! 

 

May we all find peace and healing!

[[Ma...]]

Thank you, ladies, and sorry for the delayed response. I was dealing with the falllout of a massive emotional trigger.  :'(

 

eastcoast62, I will search for positive thinking ideas, it cant hurt and its free! I love techniques like that!    Also, please look into EMDR, as mentioned on this thread, it works excellently for incident-specific trauma. There IS freedom from the prison of our past!

 

Marigold1, you always give such good advice! I’ve read the guidelines for CPTSD treatment issued by the The International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, and they are basically saying the same thing. First, focus on emotional stability, build coping skills, and then work on trauma. In NO WAY was I stable after those sessions, it took me at least three agonising days to stabilize. I have major issues with mood regulation. 

 

I am happy to hear that you managed to work this all out, this gives me hope! 

 

May we all find peace and healing!

 

For many people the first step (learning to stabilize) can be enough. The latest studies have shown that often it is better to just live on. For me this insight could have been very helpful. Here everyone tells you you have to work on it, face it and so on.

Look how animals solve that problem and react the same way, - that helped me a lot. And I have never seen a traumatized animal confront and talk and focus on trauma..

[[ea...]]

I turn 70 in a couple days, God help me! And I have to be honest. I worked for years trying to "get over" my childhood trauma. I did all the "right' things. CBT. But my taking benzos prevented me from grasping any of that. If I had NOT been on benzos or SSRIs, that CBT might have worked.

In the long run, those teachings did help me some. In withdrawal my mind tried to tell me I should start faking it (forcing myself to think positively, against all odds!) And doing this sure did help me deal with benzo wd. But it will never get the damage done by childhood abuse down. Some hurts are just too big. I have slowly learned to cope with this, and I no longer feel so angry and let down. My parents had their own personal hurts and damage done. My Father had been abused, so she just carried on, that eternal circle of pain. My Mother had a difficult childhood, and was over influenced by the college she went to. She had scars too,but none came from her parents, as I did.

I so thank all of you for talking about this openly. It is a wonderful way to be, sharing our hurts and pains.

east

[[ne...]]

Dear East, it breaks my heat to hear that you had to go trough all your life carrying this crushing burden. The unfairness of it all is nauseating! Please don't blame your benzo taking for the CBT failure, you did what you had to do to cope. I did more than 2 years of CBT therapy while not on benzos, and didn't feel any improvement either. We now have better tools and understanding. Trauma simply doesn't respond to CBS alone, because it is a neurological problem, not a cognitive one.

 

However, I can understand that at your age you are not interested in trying new therapies anymore, especially since you have found something that helped you, and accepted your parent's shortcomings. My parents were also traumatised. Unfortunately, child abuse is epidemic and transgenerational. Some sources state numbers even as high as 90% of the population suffering from various degrees of child abuse.

 

And hurt people hurt people. That's just inevitable. Because they never learned how to deal with their own feelings, how to express their emotions in a healthy manner, how to relate and how to cater to their needs without hurting others.

 

You are a survivor, East! Many, many hugs!

:hug: