I Separated From My Husband Two Weeks Ago

[[Gw...]]

The pills aren't entirely to blame, and he's been a saint during my entire withdrawal. But I was really checked out for many years of Valium use. I'm well enough to be showing up to my life again, and healed enough to be seeking a more meaningful and authentic way to be. But ten years is a really long time. That was my twenties, my whole adult life up to this point. I don't know how to it and I'm panicking because now I have to clean up the mess I have made of my life before I can move on. I have to figure out my employment, housing, finances, and now marriage ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I don't remember the past five years very clearly, and as my brain heals it's been a rather rude awakening. Punctuated by lingering post-withdrawal symptoms like being easily overstimulated and still occasionally stuck in fight-or-flight.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm coping. The coping strategies I picked up during acute withdrawal have been life changing. All this life upheaval is incredibly stressful and confusing, but it's necessary as I pick up the pieces of my life and rebuild. I just...my marriage? Really? Is there anything ELSE that I didn't see?

 

It feels like my whole life is falling apart. I just got it back! I'm so terrified I'll lose it all now that I finally appreciate it. (I am SO GLAD to be back in therapy during this life season...)

 

The separation was necessary, and I could have saved us both a lot of heartache if I had admitted to myself sooner that I wasn't happy. We are planning to stay quite amicably separated for as long as it takes to work through this in a way we can both find peace with. As hard as this is and as much as I needed to come here and vent, I am feeling much better for finally breaking the cycle.

 

The only way out is through.

[[Ma...]]

you are happy he seems to act normal and both of you try to get out of the relationship without further harm. I am dealing with a sadist and still cannot afford an own place to live and it feels like non stop torture but the WORst for me is, not to be able to be myself, to be authentic.

I know how it feels when you look back and see over 10 years and all the regret what could have been and that you have suffered for so long. You want better for the both of you and it just hurts more. Then you look into the future and again there seems to be only pain and agony and you feel like you are numb unless the pain crushes and you panic. And hello! Withdrawal symptoms rising.

 

I am waiting for the moment I can speak out loud that I am leaving and this period of life will finally end. As you I do not really know how and what and where... - but I totally understand that it must be a breaking free moment to let go and move on.

The only thing I can tell myself will be better is, that I might then just and only focus on myself and on MY future and let all the sad thoughts, the guilt and pressure and him, behind me.

 

I am wishing you strength and hope and luck, - and that the decision of being your true self will bring you to a place in life where you are yourself and HAPPY!!!

 

The only way out is through.

So right.

 

Big big hugs!!

Marigold

[[Gw...]]

you are happy he seems to act normal and both of you try to get out of the relationship without further harm. I am dealing with a sadist and still cannot afford an own place to live and it feels like non stop torture but the WORst for me is, not to be able to be myself, to be authentic.

I know how it feels when you look back and see over 10 years and all the regret what could have been and that you have suffered for so long. You want better for the both of you and it just hurts more. Then you look into the future and again there seems to be only pain and agony and you feel like you are numb unless the pain crushes and you panic. And hello! Withdrawal symptoms rising.

 

I am waiting for the moment I can speak out loud that I am leaving and this period of life will finally end. As you I do not really know how and what and where... - but I totally understand that it must be a breaking free moment to let go and move on.

The only thing I can tell myself will be better is, that I might then just and only focus on myself and on MY future and let all the sad thoughts, the guilt and pressure and him, behind me.

 

I am wishing you strength and hope and luck, - and that the decision of being your true self will bring you to a place in life where you are yourself and HAPPY!!!

 

The only way out is through.

So right.

 

Big big hugs!!

Marigold

 

Thank you for your response, Marigold. 

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are also unhappy. I feel like I tried so desperately to pretend everything was okay, because I just really wanted it to be and blamed myself when it wasn't, that I really kind of drove myself even crazier than I was before the pills, with the pills, getting off the pills, etc. You're right that as sad as this is, it's also empowering. I am thinking about my future now in ways I would not have been able to manage before this journey started.

 

I'm not sure how much of this marriage I want to leave behind me. We've been through a lot together, and a lot of it recently. I'd like to think there's some hope we'll weather this together with time and space and work. We both want the best for each other, and neither can imagine a world where we aren't still best friends. Neither of us meant for things to get this bad.

 

I'm grateful for how amicable things have been these past two weeks and hope I can maintain some shred of dignity or grace. And maybe find a job, because job hunting is NOT good for anyone's self-confidence or peace of mind. This is hard work!

 

I hope you find what you need to speak your truth and move on. I have decided that I deserve every ounce of happiness I can find in this life, and so do you! Thanks for the support on a tough night.

[[Gr...]]

Oh wow Gwinna, that is a big step.  I'm so glad to hear you guys were able to separate amicably.  I totally hear you about the last 5 years being foggy and unable to remember them clearly.  I feel the same way about the last 10 years of my life.  It's all a big blur. 

[[Ch...]]

I did the same post withdrawal.  Mine was a saint during w/d too and we’ve remained great friends. He still comes to the ‘rescue’ if I need help with anything or just a shoulder to lean on.

[[Gw...]]

I did the same post withdrawal.  Mine was a saint during w/d too and we’ve remained great friends. He still comes to the ‘rescue’ if I need help with anything or just a shoulder to lean on.

 

Thank you, Challis. That's really encouraging to hear.

 

Edit to add: I am of course sorry that any of us are going through this. It's encouraging to hear others have survived it.

[[Ma...]]

..and it shows me that it IS possible to have him as a support in withdrawal and separate later as friends. I was told it was all my fault that I ruined his life and I know it will end very very stressful.

 

I just think, there is a reason you fell in love once. And we OWE it to people we loved that we care about them, even if we go separate ways. We are responsible for anyone and anything we love(d).

 

So - well done, you 2

[[be...]]

I got a divorce on my full dose and when the judge asked me my full name and address, my husband had to whisper in my ear. I thought i would get terribly depressed but it was like a monkey off my back. Clearly there were other things wrong. I am closer to him now and we speak weekly. I’m even having lunch with him today. Life is weird.

[[Ch...]]

I got a divorce on my full dose and when the judge asked me my full name and address, my husband had to whisper in my ear. I thought i would get terribly depressed but it was like a monkey off my back. Clearly there were other things wrong. I am closer to him now and we speak weekly. I’m even having much with him today. Life is weird.

 

Much what?   

[[be...]]

Sorry spellcheck

 

I meant lunch 🥗 lol 😂

[[pi...]]

Gwinna,

 

I'm sorry you are having to go through all this, but it sounds like the separation was needed.  You've got a lot of inner strength to move forward and build this new 'you', this  new 'life'.  My best to you and good luck with the job search.

 

pianogirl 

[[be...]]

Ditto that. I truly believe there is a reason for everything.

[[Gw...]]

Thank you for the support, benzogirl and pianogirl. 

 

It's all very difficult and stressful, but it does feel necessary and I am determined to pick up the pieces of my life and rebuild from a stronger foundation. I was just writing in my journal this morning about how far I have come in the past year alone. In my strong moments, I believe things happen for a reason and that I will be okay.

[[Ma...]]

Thank you for the support, benzogirl and pianogirl. 

 

It's all very difficult and stressful, but it does feel necessary and I am determined to pick up the pieces of my life and rebuild from a stronger foundation. I was just writing in my journal this morning about how far I have come in the past year alone. In my strong moments, I believe things happen for a reason and that I will be okay.

 

You will be okey. And because of you two still being fiends who knows ... maybe after some years you will find back together. Sometimes it is necessary that we go separate ways but we can reconnect. I wish you all the best. Follow your heart. This is always right.

[[be...]]

I didn’t know she was a fiend. No wonder. Lol 😂

[[Ol...]]

Hi Gwinna,

Thank you for your share, and it sounds like you are on the right path, even if you are not sure what it is. I too separated from my 6 year relationship last year, and it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Even though he thought he was being helpful, the constant pressure to get better was eating me alive. Even though I had to move out of the house we bought, I hadn't worked for a year bc of w/d, and I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, I still knew that it was the right thing. So I stepped off into the abyss and of course I landed on my feet. And you will too! Much love to you.

[[Gw...]]

Hi Gwinna,

Thank you for your share, and it sounds like you are on the right path, even if you are not sure what it is. I too separated from my 6 year relationship last year, and it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Even though he thought he was being helpful, the constant pressure to get better was eating me alive. Even though I had to move out of the house we bought, I hadn't worked for a year bc of w/d, and I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, I still knew that it was the right thing. So I stepped off into the abyss and of course I landed on my feet. And you will too! Much love to you.

 

Thanks OliveKitty. 

 

I told him last week that I want a divorce. I also landed a great job the day before. It's been a very confusing time. 

 

Gwinna

[[be...]]

Good for you on the job! It was my husband who asked for a divorce but he actually did me a favor. You’ll get through this....❤️❤️❤️

[[Ma...]]

Wow a new job! Congrats!!! Wish you all the best

[[Gw...]]

Thanks for the encouragement, benzogirl and Marigold. I'm back at the house this weekend after two months of living apart. It's awful. Neither one of us is holding it together particularly well.  But there is a light at the end of the tunnel now.

[[be...]]

I think the worst is mostly over. I recall the actual divorce proceedings at the court lasted 10 minutes or even less. My husband cried. I felt a monkey off my back. Of course he remarried right away, men cannot live alone. Mostly. Mommas boys..

[[Ma...]]

I think the worst is mostly over. I recall the actual divorce proceedings at the court lasted 10 minutes or even less. My husband cried. I felt a monkey off my back. Of course he remarried right away, men cannot live alone. Mostly. Mommas boys..

 

I wish it was that easy. Just to get a new "someone", no further thinking ... damn brain.

[[be...]]

I found new love with a carpenter doing work on my home. I didn’t need a brain for that.

[[Ma...]]

I found new love with a carpenter doing work on my home. I didn’t need a brain for that.

 

 

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh! Is it what I imagine it to be? Pictures in my mind!

I need a handyman.

Right now.

[[Ol...]]

I found new love as well, with someone who loves and accepts me in whatever state I am in. He is a bit of an introvert and is totally happy to stay home with me and has never ever pressured me to get better any faster than what I am doing. I stayed for so long with someone who pressured me to get better under the guise of 'support' that I was scared to leave because I thought I needed him. It turns out I am getting better faster away from his toxic energy.