Adult children of narcissists (ACON)

[[Bl...]]

I'm just having a really hard time with all of this. My life is a total failure. I have almost nothing left.

 

Sunlit your story is hard to read, but stating it amongst people recovering from benzos hopefully helps some. Children should never have to feel unsafe in their environment as they are growing up. You write and articulated your story so well…I see a person who has only potential for further recovery….from benzos for certain.

 

Recovery from your past I cannot speak to. But I do hope you are able to heal from it. It wasn’t your fault. And never under estimate your value regardless of any injustice that someone did or is currently guilty of.

[[Es...]]

I am unfortunately part of this club.

 

I could write a ton but I was the scapegoat child of narcissistic  abuse. My Mom psychically abused me as a child, emotionally abused and manipulated me and at one point sexually assaulted me. Her whole family turned against me and bullied me shunned me my whole life. My grandmother made it like I should care about my family the most so even though they all treated me this way all I did was care about them. My father also singled me out and verbally and emotionally abused me my whole life. Several of my siblings who again I was told to take care of as a child often harassed me and called me crazy and put me down my whole life. None of them stopped others in the family from bullying me.

My Mom never allowed me to talk as a kid. She was jealous of friends I made and would tell me they don't like me. I was so shy most of my life even as an adult I could barely talk or look people in the eye. I was taught to please everyone before myself.

This pattern of bullying started to repeat in school and places of work. People figured out they could pick on me and single me out and I would just take it.

Eventually I had several breakdowns. The last of which landed me on benzos. I've often read the scapegoat has a psychotic break. Now I'm the one labeled as mental ill though and on anti psychotics and the one with the problems. Nobody still wants to admit to any of the abuse I lived though. When I talk about it to my brother he calls me a negative person. I've really had it. I'm now figuring out what happened to me in w/d. As now I'm the one having to do therapy and my life in ruins. I don't even have myself left because benzos took that away.

 

It's kind of hard on here everyone using "mental illness" to put people down as if they are the problem. I guess the label mental illness encompasses a large variety of people. My therapist agrees that most people labeled mentally ill are so due to abuse. I was actually a pretty level headed loving person my whole life in spite of everything I was living through. I can't help it was too much to take and I had a breakdown. Now benzos seemed to have taken all that was left of me. I used to at least have myself my books, my love of art and nice things but all of that seems so alien. All of the medication I was put on put 40 pounds on me so I don't have my body anymore. I don't fit in any of the clothes I love which I kinda used to wear as fashion like armor to make me feel good and safe.

 

I'm just having a really hard time with all of this. My life is a total failure. I have almost nothing left. I wish I at least had family but they all were taught to treat me bad and lock me out of their lives after my life even though since I was like 5 years old was told it was my job to care for them.

Its sad that I have all this family but they always decided due to my parents to treat me bad too. I watch these shows of adopted people and wish i had loving family out there to take me in. I'm 41 now and I have no family of my own, no real friends and mostly I can't think anymore. The benzos have left me depressed and angry. I was never an angry person before. Now with my brain like this I totally do feel menatlly ill.

 

This situation I'm in now is a direct result of narcissistic abuse. I now see normal young girls out with their mothers who actually love them and don't want to destroy them and I'm just like why? Why did this happen to me and to my life?

I couldn't imagine what it would be like to grow up with a loving mother who wasn't physically attacking me and trying to destroy me and bring me down any chance she got.

 

I feel like this is where she wanted me to end up in life and the names my father called me and the way he treated me I wonder if he wanted this for me too.

 

I'm honestly surprised there is a whole group of us on here who have dealt with this. I know all about the drama and the flying monkeys. My heart goes out to all of you. Sorry if this post sounds a little whiney. I'm just feeling all of this strong and having a hard time. I haven't read this whole thread. I started to and have been hesitant to post but honestly with my ruminating thoughts and feeling suicidal over this stuff(not acting on it) I thought I would post something.

 

The holidays are really hard. Perhaps I will post more on that but curious to now read more about what others have posted.

 

Thank you for this post, Sunlit. You have suffered a great deal. I need to address it either in a post here or in a PM. I'd rather write here. I need time to process all this information and write coherently. I'm so proud of you that you got it all out. This is when the healing starts. This is called catharsis. I know you wanted to write it all in your Progress Log, but thought it was shameful. Only the people who hurt you should be ashamed of themselves. I still hope this thread will become a safe place to help people vent and heal from NPD abuse.

 

My life became a downward spiral since I left this group in mid-September. It was after a disagreement in which I wasn't even directly involved. I don't know what happened then. I wasn't online at the time. And the posts got removed. But something caused a huge rift in this group. I never took any sides. I'm not at war with anyone here on BB. I'm at war with myself.

 

I wrote the whole six A4 pages of reply to your post. I wrote them by hand, as I never use a PC when I write something important. I started crying and I'm now feeling very weak. I have to get on with my day.

 

I'm ready to come back to this group if you, Val and BlueRose continue to participate. I have known Magnesi for a long time and we never had any disagreement. I know Becks and have been following her blog for some time.

 

I wish Nomore came back. She used to contribute lots of valuable information to this group. Yes, she became quite fixated on someone here. Cause she felt attacked. I'm afraid her subconscious had taken over. We ACONs sometimes tend to demonize people who should be totally indifferent to us. As a result of PTSD. We continually switch between a total idealization and devaluation of people. I'm afraid this is all part of PTSD. I don't know the details of the conflict. I hope both sides put it behind.

 

I think anyone who feels that their family is somewhat dysfunctional. Has the right to follow this thread, post here, feel heard and respected. The disagreement in this group affected me on a very deep level. I cannot imagine anything worse than two people with the same problem, fighting over an issue which has nothing to do with reality. Which originated in their subconscious. And thus, should be brought to light and understood. By the very people involved.

 

These are my thoughts for the moment. I didn't mean to hurt or offend anyone. I feel deeply hurt by what happened here. Although it didn't involve me in a direct way. My sincere wish is that this thread keeps going for our own good. By which I mean SURVIVAL.

[[va...]]

Estee you are so intelligent and sensitive. It's true we see all black or white, including people. I'm working on it. I'm sorry I can't write long messages. You're in my thoughts and so are all the children who were never loved.

[[Es...]]

Estee you are so intelligent and sensitive. It's true we see all black or white, including people. I'm working on it. I'm sorry I can't write long messages. You're in my thoughts and so are all the children who were never loved.

 

Thank you so much, Val. I feel this is also our thread. I follow it daily. I wish there never was a disagreement here. It really left me shattered. This is all I can say.

 

I hope the participants direct their energy towards looking for constructive solutions. No one on BB is to blame for what has happened to us in our dysfunctional families of origin.

[[su...]]

valiumnomore Thanks so much! I'm so sorry your story is similar. I have to go back and read your posts. Its hard to read this stuff for me so thats why I haven't made it though this whole thread yet but I will. I really don't know if my parents loved me. I don't know if my my Mom is capable of love. She will sit there and tell me she is the most loving mother in the world. There is one side of her where she is very beautiful. She will buy me nice stuff because I think it makes her look good though and she acts very over the top loving even but the other side is so dark and manipulative and abusive its scary. She def. I know gets jealous when I've had anything in life. My father was weird with me as a child and could be cruel but I was a young child so I didn't understand him singling me out and treating me poorly. For awhile he became like my friend who came to save me as a pre teen when my Mom started abusing me but then he started verbally abusing me short after. I never thought of him as abusive at the time because I thought he was the one to save me from my Mom. One day he would be my friend and the next day I had to hide from him. It would almost make it easier if there wasn't this loving side to both my parents. It made it all more emotionally confusing.

 

BlueRose Thank you for your kind response. You gave me so much hope saying I articulated my story so well as I'm having such bad brain fog. I used to like to write creatively for fun which benzos took away at the moment so perhaps there is hope I can return to that one day.

Hopefully I can heal from the past. Now as an adult as I've had so much toxic love in my life I really can appreciate loving people so much more in healthy ways so I really hope to build better friendships with loving people when I heal. I have some good people floating around but never really cultivated a stronger friendship with them. Maybe thats the best we can all do with a rough past is know how to create a more loving future. I'm hoping that will bring some meaning back into my life and man will I appreciative them.

 

 

Estee Thank you for your kindness and helping me and writing such a thoughtful response. I saw some of your posts and I have a similar love hate with my Mom. She will act very loving and is very flamboyant and can be fun to be around as she never stops talking yet is always stirring up drama and sometimes gets out of control. I long for motherly love so bad. I always want this from her but she is very toxic. I also feel uncomfortable around her and angry at her for what she put me through. Though once around her for a bit I then ease in and enjoy it sometimes. It's very confusing.

I'm sorry to hear there was a disagreement in this group which didn't go so well. Hopefully things have resolved enough now that this space can still be useful to others. Again I'm surprised there is such a large group of us. It is interesting how the patterns of narcissistic abuse can be so similar. My childhood was such chaos half of the time and to put that chaos into something which actually made sense with others was very helpful when I first discovered this disorder.

[[va...]]

Sunlit I haven't shared my story here. I don't feel safe enough. My parents don't have that loving side so they've made it very easy to hate them. I thought it's the worst curse, however, I see in the fb support groups that these dual parents can make cognitive dissonance much more difficult to overcome.

[[su...]]

valiumnomore I'm so sorry. Maybe that is even worse having been exposed to no loving side of your parents. I know it gives me anxiety to have shared this in many ways thats why I didn't post on here for so long. I don't think I will go much more into detail. Yeah I don't know if I will ever be able to change how it effected my thinking but it did make me appreciate loving humans at this point in my life more.

[[Es...]]

valiumnomore Thanks so much! I'm so sorry your story is similar. I have to go back and read your posts. Its hard to read this stuff for me so thats why I haven't made it though this whole thread yet but I will. I really don't know if my parents loved me. I don't know if my my Mom is capable of love. She will sit there and tell me she is the most loving mother in the world. There is one side of her where she is very beautiful. She will buy me nice stuff because I think it makes her look good though and she acts very over the top loving even but the other side is so dark and manipulative and abusive its scary. She def. I know gets jealous when I've had anything in life. My father was weird with me as a child and could be cruel but I was a young child so I didn't understand him singling me out and treating me poorly. For awhile he became like my friend who came to save me as a pre teen when my Mom started abusing me but then he started verbally abusing me short after. I never thought of him as abusive at the time because I thought he was the one to save me from my Mom. One day he would be my friend and the next day I had to hide from him. It would almost make it easier if there wasn't this loving side to both my parents. It made it all more emotionally confusing.

 

BlueRose Thank you for your kind response. You gave me so much hope saying I articulated my story so well as I'm having such bad brain fog. I used to like to write creatively for fun which benzos took away at the moment so perhaps there is hope I can return to that one day.

Hopefully I can heal from the past. Now as an adult as I've had so much toxic love in my life I really can appreciate loving people so much more in healthy ways so I really hope to build better friendships with loving people when I heal. I have some good people floating around but never really cultivated a stronger friendship with them. Maybe thats the best we can all do with a rough past is know how to create a more loving future. I'm hoping that will bring some meaning back into my life and man will I appreciative them.

 

 

Estee Thank you for your kindness and helping me and writing such a thoughtful response. I saw some of your posts and I have a similar love hate with my Mom. She will act very loving and is very flamboyant and can be fun to be around as she never stops talking yet is always stirring up drama and sometimes gets out of control. I long for motherly love so bad. I always want this from her but she is very toxic. I also feel uncomfortable around her and angry at her for what she put me through. Though once around her for a bit I then ease in and enjoy it sometimes. It's very confusing.

I'm sorry to hear there was a disagreement in this group which didn't go so well. Hopefully things have resolved enough now that this space can still be useful to others. Again I'm surprised there is such a large group of us. It is interesting how the patterns of narcissistic abuse can be so similar. My childhood was such chaos half of the time and to put that chaos into something which actually made sense with others was very helpful when I first discovered this disorder.

 

Hey Sunlit. I really hope people put the survival of this group above any personal conflicts. I don't think it's worth your time to delve into what had happened here in the past. Let bygones be bygones.

 

Some of us were trying to bring back peace but lost control at one point. The way I see it. No one is to blame for anything. I wasn't here when the Admin intervened. I just want to forget it all. I may only follow and not post. All I want is to say is that I identify as an ACON. And I have never stopped being a part of this group.

 

I put the survival of this group above any personal preferences I could have. It's the survival of every single ACON that has ever been involved in it. I learnt it the hard way. I'm not able to suffer more than I did in the last month and a half. And it's to a large degree the result of my tortured relationship with Mother. Of the fact that I strayed from this group.

 

Sunlit, my Mother is very similar to yours. I have a really hard time telling anything negative about her. I'm in a secret FB group, but stopped writing there long ago. As the FB collects all our data. I only read FB support groups at present. There are terrible conflicts in that group all the time. I feel completely distant and impartial. I know it's all about the PTSD and not individual members.

 

My Mother also says she is the best Mother in the world. And that I have the best Parents in the world. She likes to be of help as well. This would be so cool to get her help with no strings attached. But she uses it also as a means to control me. And to bully me. Unfortunately.

 

I will never say she is a bad person. I don't like labelling people as "good" or "bad". She has a personality disorder that has affected me in the most tragic way possible. The same goes for Father. Yes, the NPD is part of the picture.

 

She is talkative, charming, universally admired. With a great sense of humor. She can be very sweet one moment. And quite cruel the next. Extremely critical of me. As she is of herself. I have internalized all this. I already feel so guilty for having written about her. She expects herself and myself to be "perfect".

 

I used to be almost addicted to her. She was my best friend. Till approx. Feb. 2016. I started vaguely realizing how wrong things were up till then. I was actually aware many years prior. Cause she continually talked me into ending those relationships with guys. That were never "right" for me. Including husband. It was the final straw. A complete heartbreak. From which I have never recovered.

 

She has always been envious of everything in me. I didn't get it. She didn't want me to be close to anyone. She wanted me all to herself only. It started when I was 16. I turned to her for support then. Cause I no longer was "Daddy's little girl". There was severe physical abuse and I cut all ties with Father. The physical violence was provoked by Mother's rant against me. I didn't realize it then. It now all seems like a distant nightmare. Like it had never happened. If it weren't for all those hospital records I obtained in 2014. I dream the same dream every night. That apt and that abuse. She comes to me every night in my dreams. Father also does sometimes.

 

You write very well, Sunlit. I feel extremely tired. It's bedtime here. Kitty snoring in the washbasin. There is a good echo carrying the sound. It is so relaxing.

 

I dread Christmas, just as Magnesi does. And probably many folks here. I haven't spent Christmas with Parents for so many years now. Since 2014, I think. It is such a painful time for me.

 

Okay, I used to recommend these two books here already. But I will do it again, for you. The first one is a must-read. I only got through it in 2016. Before, I was in denial. I know this book by heart:

 

The 1st book: Dr Karyl McBride PhD "Will I Ever Be Gid Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers";

 

The 2nd book: Danu Morrigan "You Are Not Crazy: It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers";

 

The 3rd book: Susan Forward, Craig Buck "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life".

 

There are also men with this problem. Of NPD parents. So I guess the third book is more suited for guys.

 

There are lots of other books on the subject. I know and can recommend the three cited above. I don't want to blame Parents for all that I screwed up in life. I take full responsibility. All I want is to free myself from Mother's influence while I'm still alive.

 

ATM, I'm Very Low Contact with Mother (Gray Rock) and No Contact with Father. This is a source of extreme suffering for me. But I cannot see any other option. At least for now. I have lived away from them for many years now.

 

Sunlit and Val. I guess it's important to share one's story with at least one person. It will help to set oneself free. There is this quote by Carl Jung: "The reason for evil in the world is that people are not able to tell their stories."

 

Yes, I know a Jungian therapist was mentioned here. In a very bad light. I have read every post. But a Jungian therapist is not Carl Jung. Nothing has helped me so much as the nine years of psychoanalysis I got in life.

 

Mother talked me into quitting that therapy. She hated the therapist. This woman, who defended my marriage till the very last session. So I started hating that therapist as well. Soon after I left the psychoanalysis in 2012. My life fell apart. In 2014, to be exact. My divorce was finalized in 2012, a few months earlier. I went back on the BZD in 2014.

[[Bl...]]

Sunlit thank you for your kind response. I think by writing/reading/having meaningful conversation in person with others will all help in our recovery from what benzos have done to our minds/brains. It is hard to do these things, but I have found it does pay off the more I apply myself at doing them.

 

Estee you are so thoughtful. I know it's not been easy for you, but you really work at things to get to a better place. You fall...you get back up. Then you brush the dust off and see how to proceed with the intent of getting to that better place that you can see down the road.

 

I haven’t been keeping up with the posts on this subject….so, given all that’s transpired here, my thoughts on this complex/multifaceted subject are not intended to contribute anything too profound, nor are they based on any specific event/or one person in my life.

 

My family dynamics were far from perfect. Fortunately things were to change for the better.

 

These changes would be based on how I eventually came to view life. It would and still does amount to no small change.

 

At the young age of 23 is when my perspective on life changed for the better. My family basically disagreed with my decision as regards my new way of viewing life. For the sake of peace, I restrained myself by not taking full liberty to impose on them my new way of seeing things.

 

It was probably around this time in my life, that I decided to put behind me any painful, childhood memories. I remember distinctly thinking it would always be my aim to conscientiously avoid reading any self-help books that addressed dysfunctional families.

 

Keeping to my decision was not difficult until the Internet made it easy to be exposed to most anything under the sun without a whole lot of effort. Curiosity has won out to a point.

 

I love my family and  will continue to work at looking to see the good in them. I'm 62 and find that the passing of time has its own way of helping painful memories/feelings to fade.

 

This is obviously very difficult to do(looking for the good in others) given certain memories are more embedded than others.

 

I want to make it clear that there are obviously things that people have been through that are too difficult to forget and forgive.  In some cases, full healing will never be attained in the world as we know it today.

 

My intent is to continue to work at all relationships so as to improve them. Granted I am not totally succeeding as I would like, but this is mainly due to logistics. Some people live too far away.

 

I do hope people here are able to work through their past and find a measure of healing. If not, I do understand. Also, having to deal with benzo w/d makes any challenging thing all the more difficult to deal with.

[[ma...]]

Wildflower, thank you so much for sharing your story and for your advice. You seem to have found a wonderful way of having a warm and meaningful Christmas, without toxic people. It's inspiring. I really liked the idea of finding special decorations and creating your own recipes. I'm not sure I'll be able to tell people directly that I don't want to spend Christmas with them anymore, but I have to find a way to not leave the issue subject to the usual distortions.

 

Breck, thank you also for the advice. Remembering past patterns, expecting the unexpected and eliminating reactiveness, all are superb. And although I don't want to spend Christmas behaving like a robot, grey rocking in specific interactions is also a good idea. Yes, we need to refuse to be a part of the drama.

 

One hypothesis I've been thinking would be to organize the Christmas dinner myself and tell my nfamily that they are welcome but we want peace, so: (a) there will be only the traditional Christmas dish plus a vegan alternative; (b) if someone is late, we expect him/her to call and and let us know and we will decide whether or not we can wait; © if there are violent discussions, I will have to ask the intervenients to leave. Something like this. If they don't like it, they are free to not come. And if they don't behave, next year they won't be included. I think this would be more acceptable to my teenage daughters and that they will understand better if next year I don't want to spend Christmas with nfamily.

[[be...]]

My father was horrible to us kids. A true narcissist. He only thought about himself. And he drank and drank. He was terribly nasty. I recall once when I was only nine and doing my homework he put a large caliber pistol to my head. I was terrified.  But he’s dead so a long time ago I moved on. I will not let his behavior ruin my life. It’s not easy at times.

[[ma...]]

I am unfortunately part of this club.

 

I could write a ton but I was the scapegoat child of narcissistic  abuse. My Mom psychically abused me as a child, emotionally abused and manipulated me and at one point sexually assaulted me. Her whole family turned against me and bullied me shunned me my whole life. My grandmother made it like I should care about my family the most so even though they all treated me this way all I did was care about them. My father also singled me out and verbally and emotionally abused me my whole life. Several of my siblings who again I was told to take care of as a child often harassed me and called me crazy and put me down my whole life. None of them stopped others in the family from bullying me.

My Mom never allowed me to talk as a kid. She was jealous of friends I made and would tell me they don't like me. I was so shy most of my life even as an adult I could barely talk or look people in the eye. I was taught to please everyone before myself.

This pattern of bullying started to repeat in school and places of work. People figured out they could pick on me and single me out and I would just take it.

Eventually I had several breakdowns. The last of which landed me on benzos. I've often read the scapegoat has a psychotic break. Now I'm the one labeled as mental ill though and on anti psychotics and the one with the problems. Nobody still wants to admit to any of the abuse I lived though. When I talk about it to my brother he calls me a negative person. I've really had it. I'm now figuring out what happened to me in w/d. As now I'm the one having to do therapy and my life in ruins. I don't even have myself left because benzos took that away.

 

It's kind of hard on here everyone using "mental illness" to put people down as if they are the problem. I guess the label mental illness encompasses a large variety of people. My therapist agrees that most people labeled mentally ill are so due to abuse. I was actually a pretty level headed loving person my whole life in spite of everything I was living through. I can't help it was too much to take and I had a breakdown. Now benzos seemed to have taken all that was left of me. I used to at least have myself my books, my love of art and nice things but all of that seems so alien. All of the medication I was put on put 40 pounds on me so I don't have my body anymore. I don't fit in any of the clothes I love which I kinda used to wear as fashion like armor to make me feel good and safe.

 

I'm just having a really hard time with all of this. My life is a total failure. I have almost nothing left. I wish I at least had family but they all were taught to treat me bad and lock me out of their lives after my life even though since I was like 5 years old was told it was my job to care for them.

Its sad that I have all this family but they always decided due to my parents to treat me bad too. I watch these shows of adopted people and wish i had loving family out there to take me in. I'm 41 now and I have no family of my own, no real friends and mostly I can't think anymore. The benzos have left me depressed and angry. I was never an angry person before. Now with my brain like this I totally do feel menatlly ill.

 

This situation I'm in now is a direct result of narcissistic abuse. I now see normal young girls out with their mothers who actually love them and don't want to destroy them and I'm just like why? Why did this happen to me and to my life?

I couldn't imagine what it would be like to grow up with a loving mother who wasn't physically attacking me and trying to destroy me and bring me down any chance she got.

 

I feel like this is where she wanted me to end up in life and the names my father called me and the way he treated me I wonder if he wanted this for me too.

 

I'm honestly surprised there is a whole group of us on here who have dealt with this. I know all about the drama and the flying monkeys. My heart goes out to all of you. Sorry if this post sounds a little whiney. I'm just feeling all of this strong and having a hard time. I haven't read this whole thread. I started to and have been hesitant to post but honestly with my ruminating thoughts and feeling suicidal over this stuff(not acting on it) I thought I would post something.

 

The holidays are really hard. Perhaps I will post more on that but curious to now read more about what others have posted.

 

sunlit, thank you for sharing your story. It's very sad but you seem to be a wonderful person with a lot of inner strenght and I'm sure you'll win the war. Benzos cause a lot of suffering but WE DO RECOVER. Two years ago I was bedridden with excruciating muscle pain, I could not move at all, but now I'm OK, I go to the gymn three times a week and walk a lot. I'm mildly depressed because I'm tapering the anti-depressant BUT I'm already at 25% and the depressive episodes seems to be less profound. So, definitely, there is hope, I'm 100% sure.

 

It's fantastic that you didn't choose the easiest path. You don't lie to yourself which is, in my opinion, the main reason that keep people stuck in unhealthy situations. You're not feeling well but you have reasons for that. And you will overcome this low because you are facing your demons.

 

I also like clothes a lot, and I'm careful with my weight, so I understand what you say. But we, scapegoats, are fantastic at enduring rough situations, we don't expect our path to be paved with rose petals, so I'm sure you'll loose the excess weight and feel OK again.

 

The fact that your nfamily locked you out of their lives can be positive, although it may not seem so. Because you're not missing a loving family, they're a bunch or narcissists that tortured you since you were a child. The first thing we have is to accept is this. We're much better off away from them.

 

I agree with you and your therapist in that (I don't know if most but for surely many) people are mentally ill due to abuse. People are abused, they get anxious or depressed, then they are started on psycho drugs and soon they truly start loosing their sanity. But we are here to fight and help each other fight this reality.

[[ma...]]

Thank you for this post, Sunlit. You have suffered a great deal. I need to address it either in a post here or in a PM. I'd rather write here. I need time to process all this information and write coherently. I'm so proud of you that you got it all out. This is when the healing starts. This is called catharsis. I know you wanted to write it all in your Progress Log, but thought it was shameful. Only the people who hurt you should be ashamed of themselves. I still hope this thread will become a safe place to help people vent and heal from NPD abuse.

 

My life became a downward spiral since I left this group in mid-September. It was after a disagreement in which I wasn't even directly involved. I don't know what happened then. I wasn't online at the time. And the posts got removed. But something caused a huge rift in this group. I never took any sides. I'm not at war with anyone here on BB. I'm at war with myself.

 

I wrote the whole six A4 pages of reply to your post. I wrote them by hand, as I never use a PC when I write something important. I started crying and I'm now feeling very weak. I have to get on with my day.

 

I'm ready to come back to this group if you, Val and BlueRose continue to participate. I have known Magnesi for a long time and we never had any disagreement. I know Becks and have been following her blog for some time.

 

I wish Nomore came back. She used to contribute lots of valuable information to this group. Yes, she became quite fixated on someone here. Cause she felt attacked. I'm afraid her subconscious had taken over. We ACONs sometimes tend to demonize people who should be totally indifferent to us. As a result of PTSD. We continually switch between a total idealization and devaluation of people. I'm afraid this is all part of PTSD. I don't know the details of the conflict. I hope both sides put it behind.

 

I think anyone who feels that their family is somewhat dysfunctional. Has the right to follow this thread, post here, feel heard and respected. The disagreement in this group affected me on a very deep level. I cannot imagine anything worse than two people with the same problem, fighting over an issue which has nothing to do with reality. Which originated in their subconscious. And thus, should be brought to light and understood. By the very people involved.

 

These are my thoughts for the moment. I didn't mean to hurt or offend anyone. I feel deeply hurt by what happened here. Although it didn't involve me in a direct way. My sincere wish is that this thread keeps going for our own good. By which I mean SURVIVAL.

 

estee, I'm sorry you're not feeling well but I'm happy to hear from you again. You're a sensitive, clever and funny buddie and I love to have you around.

 

I think that the way we see the issue depends a lot also on our role in the dysfunctional family. Golden children are more able to believe their parents have a good side whereas scapegoats, after they understand the dynamics of the family, see them as evil. Scapegoats had an apparently rougher childhood but it might be easier for them to get free, learn to not be ruled by guilt, recognize and overcome their inherited narcissistic tendencies. Because scapegoats learn they are not as bad as they thought, which is good news, whereas golden children need to learn life will not be as easy as they were promised.

 

I was the scapegoat. Discovering that my family is dysfunctional was a shock and has required a lot of reanalysis of the past to understand how things really happened. But realizing that it was not my fault is sort of liberating. Things are more complicated for my golden child sister (not the younger, who is schizophrenic, another). I don't believe she will ever break free and I just want to be far away from her to protect myself. Sometimes I feel sorry for her but she is very toxic. During our childhood, she seemed to benefit enormously. Only once, when she was a teenager, she complained our mother tried to control her every move and friendship, which I didn't understand at the time because I wasn't controlled, I was mistreated and ignored. Nowadays, she seems totally unable to understand what really happened. She still does everything to gain our parents' approval, has become very narcissistic herself and her mental health is not good. I have tried everything, writing, talking, but in return have only received insults or at best silence. She's an extreme case, of course, but I think it shows that golden children, WHO WERE ALSO ABUSED ALTHOUGH IN A DIFFERENT WAY have specific difficulties.

 

Perhaps some of the disagreements we have here are due to that some of us were scapegoats and other golden children.

[[ma...]]

My father was horrible to us kids. A true narcissist. He only thought about himself. And he drank and drank. He was terribly nasty. I recall once when I was only nine and doing my homework he put a large caliber pistol to my head. I was terrified.  But he’s dead so a long time ago I moved on. I will not let his behavior ruin my life. It’s not easy at times.

 

[[Br...]]

bg,  you're strong....amazingly strong.  My thoughts go out to you and everyone on this thread.

[[be...]]

:smitten: Thank you....

[[Es...]]

My father was horrible to us kids. A true narcissist. He only thought about himself. And he drank and drank. He was terribly nasty. I recall once when I was only nine and doing my homework he put a large caliber pistol to my head. I was terrified.  But he’s dead so a long time ago I moved on. I will not let his behavior ruin my life. It’s not easy at times.

 

Bets, thank you for sharing. I was planning to write here and answer Magnesi, but need to first gather my thoughts. So that it makes sense.

 

It takes a lot of courage to talk about this type of trauma. I'm glad you were able to get it out. The ability to share a problem helps us heal. Cause we don't have to be alone with it anymore.

 

Empathy is this unique bond between human beings. That can conquer all differences, prejudices etc. The way I see it.

[[be...]]

I’m just glad he’s dead. No, actually I could care less whether he’s dead or alive. He’s been out of my life for 30 years.

[[va...]]

I’m just glad he’s dead. No, actually I could care less whether he’s dead or alive. He’s been out of my life for 30 years.

 

Benzo girl I'm glad he's out of your life and I'm so sorry for the nine year old little girl you were.

[[Es...]]

Thank you for this post, Sunlit. You have suffered a great deal. I need to address it either in a post here or in a PM. I'd rather write here. I need time to process all this information and write coherently. I'm so proud of you that you got it all out. This is when the healing starts. This is called catharsis. I know you wanted to write it all in your Progress Log, but thought it was shameful. Only the people who hurt you should be ashamed of themselves. I still hope this thread will become a safe place to help people vent and heal from NPD abuse.

 

My life became a downward spiral since I left this group in mid-September. It was after a disagreement in which I wasn't even directly involved. I don't know what happened then. I wasn't online at the time. And the posts got removed. But something caused a huge rift in this group. I never took any sides. I'm not at war with anyone here on BB. I'm at war with myself.

 

I wrote the whole six A4 pages of reply to your post. I wrote them by hand, as I never use a PC when I write something important. I started crying and I'm now feeling very weak. I have to get on with my day.

 

I'm ready to come back to this group if you, Val and BlueRose continue to participate. I have known Magnesi for a long time and we never had any disagreement. I know Becks and have been following her blog for some time.

 

I wish Nomore came back. She used to contribute lots of valuable information to this group. Yes, she became quite fixated on someone here. Cause she felt attacked. I'm afraid her subconscious had taken over. We ACONs sometimes tend to demonize people who should be totally indifferent to us. As a result of PTSD. We continually switch between a total idealization and devaluation of people. I'm afraid this is all part of PTSD. I don't know the details of the conflict. I hope both sides put it behind.

 

I think anyone who feels that their family is somewhat dysfunctional. Has the right to follow this thread, post here, feel heard and respected. The disagreement in this group affected me on a very deep level. I cannot imagine anything worse than two people with the same problem, fighting over an issue which has nothing to do with reality. Which originated in their subconscious. And thus, should be brought to light and understood. By the very people involved.

 

These are my thoughts for the moment. I didn't mean to hurt or offend anyone. I feel deeply hurt by what happened here. Although it didn't involve me in a direct way. My sincere wish is that this thread keeps going for our own good. By which I mean SURVIVAL.

 

estee, I'm sorry you're not feeling well but I'm happy to hear from you again. You're a sensitive, clever and funny buddie and I love to have you around.

 

I think that the way we see the issue depends a lot also on our role in the dysfunctional family. Golden children are more able to believe their parents have a good side whereas scapegoats, after they understand the dynamics of the family, see them as evil. Scapegoats had an apparently rougher childhood but it might be easier for them to get free, learn to not be ruled by guilt, recognize and overcome their inherited narcissistic tendencies. Because scapegoats learn they are not as bad as they thought, which is good news, whereas golden children need to learn life will not be as easy as they were promised.

 

I was the scapegoat. Discovering that my family is dysfunctional was a shock and has required a lot of reanalysis of the past to understand how things really happened. But realizing that it was not my fault is sort of liberating. Things are more complicated for my golden child sister (not the younger, who is schizophrenic, another). I don't believe she will ever break free and I just want to be far away from her to protect myself. Sometimes I feel sorry for her but she is very toxic. During our childhood, she seemed to benefit enormously. Only once, when she was a teenager, she complained our mother tried to control her every move and friendship, which I didn't understand at the time because I wasn't controlled, I was mistreated and ignored. Nowadays, she seems totally unable to understand what really happened. She still does everything to gain our parents' approval, has become very narcissistic herself and her mental health is not good. I have tried everything, writing, talking, but in return have only received insults or at best silence. She's an extreme case, of course, but I think it shows that golden children, WHO WERE ALSO ABUSED ALTHOUGH IN A DIFFERENT WAY have specific difficulties.

 

Perhaps some of the disagreements we have here are due to that some of us were scapegoats and other golden children.

 

Thank you, Magnesi. It means a lot that you have stayed impartial throughout all that had happened on this thread. I never took any sides, either. As best as I could. It was very difficult, though. I was quite confused. I'm still trying to understand. Always trying to understand people. Instead of judging them. I'm not someone who would idealize a person one day. And devalue them the next.

 

In order to heal, the ACONs need to understand and support each other. This is not easy. As we have been programmed not to trust anyone since we were kids.

 

I found this interesting article on the narcissistic family dynamics. Written by Karyl McBride, my favorite author on the subject of NPD.

 

I have no siblings. I'm the Golden Child one moment and the Scapegoat the next. Mostly the latter.

 

I wrote the long posts on this thread a few days after I saw Mother. I didn't even realize how sick this interaction had made me feel. I'm good at numbing the feelings. I use food restriction and keeping myself busy. Stuff like that.

 

Christmas is looming on the horizon and we must survive it somehow. Your family dynamics during the Christmas Eve sound terrifying. Mother playing the Victim, Golden Child Sister being the Star and your Brother the Bully. Plus your younger Sister as a Lost/Invisible Child. What a mix.

 

I thought you could talk to your kids and try to make sure if they really enjoy Christmas. What if they don't. Kids are good at pretending if they have to. The best solution would be if you didn't participate at all. Even if you have to feign sickness. Severe food poisoning? There is another option. Some Winter holidays. But it is an expensive means of escape.

 

It's risky to invite them all to your place. Is there someone who could throw a fit of rage? Both my Parents are very good at it. There is nothing that scares me more. Especially from Father, as he can also be physically abusive. But Mother usually provokes him by her rant.

 

As I cannot go No Contact with Mother. I'm trying Very Limited Contact and Grey Rock. I'm No Contact with Father. It is all so traumatic anyway. I have understood that talking as little as possible is a good self-defense tool. Trying to breathe deeply, cause they usually make us anxious. And out of oxygen. Trying to just observe, as though you weren't there at all. Let the thoughts and feelings come and go, like waves. Mindfulness meditation. Easier said than done.

 

BlueRose, I agree. It is important to understand. Yes, looking for the good in people is the main personality trait of optimists. I know Mother has lots of self-loathing. And at the same time this feeling of superiority. Cause deep inside, she feels insecure. Idk what had happened in her family of origin. But her Brother died tragically as a young man. I'm just not able to deal with all this at present. I must keep myself sane. It can only be achieved if I avoid her. I find it almost impossible to communicate with her. It is extremely traumatic. They both scare me.

 

I really do hope that Peace will return to this thread. We need a place in this world to feel safe.

[[Ma...]]

It has taken years for me until I felt "free" to cancel things like Christmas. First I started with excuses to be sick and of course was blamed for being sick then. After a while I thought I would be the idiot anyway so, well, let Marigold be "mentally ill" and THEREFORE not coming for christmas.

Its nothing wrong with excuses all that counts is - do not do it, dont let them force you to do something.

There are many ways to celebrate birthdays, christmas or whatever - and each of these will dissapoint the family. So, why not.

This is what I tried:

- spend 3 days of christmas in a hotel, where the crew made a christmas event for the guests - lovely.

- cancel christmas overall and become a grinch. Was really interesting and kind of break through for me, I did not even have a decoration or anything..

- spend christmas with a good friend

- have christmas with strangers in a hospital. The best christmas I ever had, because everyone wanted the others to have a happy christmas.

- visit people AFTER the holidays, because then the christmas approach is gone and its just another visit, you will not remember under "another bad christmas"

- Working during the holidays! "So sad! I have to work!" (and it was so nice, cause no one was there besides me and a facility manager)

- teeth surgery! highly recommended ("ho horry hi cannot come, my teeeeth are hurtuuuung!")

 

In the end, with some people, you will always not be what they want you to be, which is actually a part of healing. And I think (now) that you can better live with a bad conscious than being traumatized again and again.

 

If I had the money, I would like to lay on a beach over christmas with a cocktail in my hand and the sun on my face

Who wants to come with me?

[[be...]]

Are you up for St. BART’s? No parents.....

[[va...]]

It has taken years for me until I felt "free" to cancel things like Christmas. First I started with excuses to be sick and of course was blamed for being sick then. After a while I thought I would be the idiot anyway so, well, let Marigold be "mentally ill" and THEREFORE not coming for christmas.

Its nothing wrong with excuses all that counts is - do not do it, dont let them force you to do something.

There are many ways to celebrate birthdays, christmas or whatever - and each of these will dissapoint the family. So, why not.

This is what I tried:

- spend 3 days of christmas in a hotel, where the crew made a christmas event for the guests - lovely.

- cancel christmas overall and become a grinch. Was really interesting and kind of break through for me, I did not even have a decoration or anything..

- spend christmas with a good friend

- have christmas with strangers in a hospital. The best christmas I ever had, because everyone wanted the others to have a happy christmas.

- visit people AFTER the holidays, because then the christmas approach is gone and its just another visit, you will not remember under "another bad christmas"

- Working during the holidays! "So sad! I have to work!" (and it was so nice, cause no one was there besides me and a facility manager)

- teeth surgery! highly recommended ("ho horry hi cannot come, my teeeeth are hurtuuuung!")

 

In the end, with some people, you will always not be what they want you to be, which is actually a part of healing. And I think (now) that you can better live with a bad conscious than being traumatized again and again.

 

If I had the money, I would like to lay on a beach over christmas with a cocktail in my hand and the sun on my face

Who wants to come with me?

 

Marigold count me in! But my cocktail will be tonic water as I'm in bwd so no alcohol.

 

Buddies, I read you but I have no time for long posts atm. But I love the turn this thread is taking off pouring your hearts and giving great ideas. I can't write my story here because this section of the forum is public and I could be recognized. Over the holidays I might write more as I have more time. I hope you don't mind me lurking in the meantime.

 

Benzo girl, I'm so sorry for the little nine year old you. I often wonder where we got the strength to not only survive, but to not be in a psych ward. Love and healing to everyone.

[[Bl...]]

I’m so sorry Estee for what you have had to endure, and still are with the parent whom you still have some contact with. And I agree that it is therapeutic to talk about things instead of keeping them bottled up. But given this is the Internet, I also understand why some choose to not talk here.

 

It amazes me how resilient people can be, although having dealt with some pretty horrific things in life. I personally think most people have been raised around a measure of dysfunction. Some have endured greater abuse than others. But simply put any abuse is wrong. I know for a fact that I was not the perfect parent. They(my kid) would be quick to tell you that too.

 

My parents divorced when I was quite young. Over the years, as an adult, I have come to reconcile feelings of ill will towards them; feelings that resulted from the divorce and its affect on the family.

 

Obviously, if there is extreme abuse, all parties concerned are better off if the abuser were not present. We each have our own threshold of what we can tolerate. So nothing I say is set in stone. I never saw any level of abuse in my family that warranted a divorce. Divorce is a serious decision that I do not take lightly. There was a time when I viewed marriage in a different light...I basically felt to each his own. I no longer view marriage that way. I see it as a sacred arrangement that, in part, requires a lot of quality time....and MORE time for it to go smoothly.

 

I’ve heard of more than one account where even though one partner was quite violent towards their mate, the relationship survived and even ultimately, thrived. The reason these marriages survived is because the abusive mate made changes for the better.

 

I have not dealt with family gatherings for most of my adult life. At the age of 23 I stopped celebrating all popular religious and secular holidays.  Because of my stand, and since most family gatherings are centered on religious/secular holidays, I rarely see my immediate and extended family members in family group settings. Many of them are deceased now.

[[Es...]]

It has taken years for me until I felt "free" to cancel things like Christmas. First I started with excuses to be sick and of course was blamed for being sick then. After a while I thought I would be the idiot anyway so, well, let Marigold be "mentally ill" and THEREFORE not coming for christmas.

Its nothing wrong with excuses all that counts is - do not do it, dont let them force you to do something.

There are many ways to celebrate birthdays, christmas or whatever - and each of these will dissapoint the family. So, why not.

This is what I tried:

- spend 3 days of christmas in a hotel, where the crew made a christmas event for the guests - lovely.

- cancel christmas overall and become a grinch. Was really interesting and kind of break through for me, I did not even have a decoration or anything..

- spend christmas with a good friend

- have christmas with strangers in a hospital. The best christmas I ever had, because everyone wanted the others to have a happy christmas.

- visit people AFTER the holidays, because then the christmas approach is gone and its just another visit, you will not remember under "another bad christmas"

- Working during the holidays! "So sad! I have to work!" (and it was so nice, cause no one was there besides me and a facility manager)

- teeth surgery! highly recommended ("ho horry hi cannot come, my teeeeth are hurtuuuung!")

 

In the end, with some people, you will always not be what they want you to be, which is actually a part of healing. And I think (now) that you can better live with a bad conscious than being traumatized again and again.

 

If I had the money, I would like to lay on a beach over christmas with a cocktail in my hand and the sun on my face

Who wants to come with me?

 

Marigold count me in! But my cocktail will be tonic water as I'm in bwd so no alcohol.

 

Buddies, I read you but I have no time for long posts atm. But I love the turn this thread is taking off pouring your hearts and giving great ideas. I can't write my story here because this section of the forum is public and I could be recognized. Over the holidays I might write more as I have more time. I hope you don't mind me lurking in the meantime.

 

Benzo girl, I'm so sorry for the little nine year old you. I often wonder where we got the strength to not only survive, but to not be in a psych ward. Love and healing to everyone.

 

Val, the posts on this thread are not visible to Guests. I think it's much safer to write about your past on BB than on FB. I gave up the latter completely. I only read stuff there. They collect all our data, even if we delete them.

 

BlueRose, thank you so much for replying. The divorce of your Parents must have been quite hurtful to you.

Christmas is a religious holiday which was turned into a commercial holiday. I'm not religious. So I'm not sure what I could be celebrating.

 

Yes, it is extremely difficult to talk about the past. It doesn't necessarily have to be done on the public forum. But sometimes the PMs turn sour. And friends become enemies. I have noticed this dynamics so many times here.

 

I will continue to engage in this thread if I feel people try to be respectful towards one another. And constructive. My time is limited, so I only reserve it it for positive interactions which improve my life.

 

I know Magnesi is doing the best she can. And so many people, for which I'm grateful. I'm always following this thread, even if I don't have time to post.