Adult children of narcissists (ACON)

[[Be...]]

missed the big list.  Where did that list come from?  Oprah.  Alot of those people do alot for others which is why I don't understand NPD.  Trump loves the American people for the most part. 

[[no...]]

missed the big list.  Where did that list come from?  Oprah.  Alot of those people do alot for others which is why I don't understand NPD.  Trump loves the American people for the most part.

 

that's what makes narcs so strong, the reason they make great religious and/or cult leaders and politicians and actors and celebrities...they have charm/charisma and often are seen doing wonderful things publicly to garner the love of the people. but when you get to know the real dark side...it's diisillusioning. because the people who were often worshipped as good or helpful or whatever nice adjective fits best, fall off of their pedestals. and because of stockholm syndrome, many time their targets refuse to let go of their illusions. it's extremely painful and angering to realize someone you trusted and loved admired so much has betrayed your  devotion.

 

the Oprah thing, yeah she's a big surprise to many, but if you read the biographical accounts by people who are close to her & see the inside scoop, so to speak, and even by just careful observation, you can see the nature showing through. notice that the gifts are bigger and bigger and more lavish but always in public, always publicized? to make everyone think she is such a giver? it's become a cliche' with her even. "everyone gets a new car!" but look at her treatment of Steadman. think on that for a moment. he is her husband. she treats him less than her dogs. her bestie Gayle, if that is their true relationship (i don't know), gets a totally different treatment. she's her close confidant and tells her what she wants to hear. also, pay attention to the way Oprah looks at her guests, and her facial expressions as she interviews them. notice the squinty eyes scrunched forehead as if she's trying really hard to empathize with them, but always seems aloof. like it's forced, fake. she looks away and up into the rafters when thinking of her next comment, when she would be looking into their eyes in a genuine exchange. it's telling if you watch her long enough.

 

the actors are really easy to spot, same with the narc musicians.  the hard ones are the so called benevolent or "giving" celebs. Hillary Clinton raised a whole lotta money. but look at her expressions, her body language, the words she says. look at what she brought home from the poor countries and who her best pals are. Lolita Express anyone? Epstein and Weinstein are very obvious, Trump is too, although i used to like him as a businessman/president...his arrogance and vanity and superiority complex are very clear. (also on a related but not related note, he was recently quoted saying he would like to forcibly medicate "dangerous" people with antipsychotics like Abilify MyCite capsules containing a bio-tag to force medication compliance, which is unethical, unconstitutional, and a horrific violation of human rights, but that's a side issue.)

[[Br...]]

A lot of those people do alot for others which is why I don't understand NPD.  Trump loves the American people for the most part. 

 

A true NPD has no love - yet many often proclaim they "love".  A true NPD has no empathy - yet they proclaim they "care".  A true NPD appears to do a lot for people - in reality they give a sliver (for appearances sake), while behind the scenes they take.  It's a truly bizarre disorder where it hides in plain sight. 

[[ma...]]

My cat is a total narcissist 

 

Yes, mine too This has made me wonder if it would be possible to treat the narcissists in our lives more or less like cats. We love them without expecting much in return or giving them power over our lives. But the conclusion I came to is that this would not be a solution. Narcissists will always get us in trouble through others who are not aware of the problem. They deceive them, invent things, turn them against us, all to try to gain power over us.

[[ma...]]

If you were a narcissist you would never admit that possibility. ...

This being said, I learned that if we are raised by a narcissist we'll most likely acquire at least a few narcissistic traits (called "fleas"). I'm trying to correct mine

 

the second part about aquiring fleas/narcissistic traits from being the child of a narcissist, i totally agree with. it's admirable that you're working on bettering the negative traits acquired from your parent, i really think it's hard as hell to do, and nobody really seems to give credit when you're doing that work. (at least in my experience) i guess they don't know how hard it is, unless they've been in your shoes.  the way you described acquiring the narcissistic traits was really good.

 

the first part of your quote above (bolded by me) is basically true, but for one very important exception:  there are a few real narcs who learn the lingo and study the characteristics so that they can mask them in themselves! they can and do fool a lot of unsuspecting people.  shadey, right? so they might say something like "I wonder if I might be a narcissist" out loud publically or in front of their target/s in order to have others assure them that no indeed they are not. it's part of the whole smoke n mirrors illusion they put on. the difference is, a real narc may say the words in front of a select target or group but they will never ask it of themselves genuinely and sincerely, because they would never actually admit to themselves that there is anything wrong with their personality fundamentally. real narcs are incapable of finding real fault with themslelves. they can only act as if they have some kind of flaw to garner sympathy, while secretly they scoff at the very idea.  (i do not mean to point a finger at anyone, just important to note the difference.)

 

on the other hand, if you find yourself asking yourself "Am I a narcissist?" then the answer is most emphatically NO! because a true narc cannot think there is anything fundamentally wrong with their own personality.

 

Thank you, nomoredrugsforme. But, as a daughter of a narcissistic mother, being critical about myself is very easy. I would say it's my default mode What is difficult is the rest...

[[no...]]

If you were a narcissist you would never admit that possibility. ...

This being said, I learned that if we are raised by a narcissist we'll most likely acquire at least a few narcissistic traits (called "fleas"). I'm trying to correct mine

 

the second part about aquiring fleas/narcissistic traits from being the child of a narcissist, i totally agree with. it's admirable that you're working on bettering the negative traits acquired from your parent, i really think it's hard as hell to do, and nobody really seems to give credit when you're doing that work. (at least in my experience) i guess they don't know how hard it is, unless they've been in your shoes.  the way you described acquiring the narcissistic traits was really good.

 

the first part of your quote above (bolded by me) is basically true, but for one very important exception:  there are a few real narcs who learn the lingo and study the characteristics so that they can mask them in themselves! they can and do fool a lot of unsuspecting people.  shadey, right? so they might say something like "I wonder if I might be a narcissist" out loud publically or in front of their target/s in order to have others assure them that no indeed they are not. it's part of the whole smoke n mirrors illusion they put on. the difference is, a real narc may say the words in front of a select target or group but they will never ask it of themselves genuinely and sincerely, because they would never actually admit to themselves that there is anything wrong with their personality fundamentally. real narcs are incapable of finding real fault with themslelves. they can only act as if they have some kind of flaw to garner sympathy, while secretly they scoff at the very idea.  (i do not mean to point a finger at anyone, just important to note the difference.)

 

on the other hand, if you find yourself asking yourself "Am I a narcissist?" then the answer is most emphatically NO! because a true narc cannot think there is anything fundamentally wrong with their own personality.

 

Thank you, nomoredrugsforme. But, as a daughter of a narcissistic mother, being critical about myself is very easy. I would say it's my default mode What is difficult is the rest...

 

that is so true, for me also. i'm my own worst enemy, the inner critic is so cruel...but a therapist once helped me to identify the voice, she said "that (inner critic) voice that says the awful things about you to yourself, what does it sound like?" after a few seconds i realized it wa sthe exact same sounding voice as my mother's. but it just never occured to me, i thought i was just dogging myself, byut after that i realized it was ingrained from infancy from her. and that's why it always sounds exactly like her.

 

do you ever notice a particular voice/sound or inflection to the inner critic? i've heard others in group therapy say differetn people, but usually mom or dad.

[[no...]]

A true NPD has no love - yet many often proclaim they "love".  A true NPD has no empathy - yet they proclaim they "care".  A true NPD appears to do a lot for people - in reality they give a sliver (for appearances sake), while behind the scenes they take.  It's a truly bizarre disorder where it hides in plain sight.

 

Breck you've made great progress on your clon taper! i just saw it in your sig.. it gives me hope as i begin my own taper, similar dose and timeframe. thanks for posting this 

[[Br...]]

Breck you've made great progress on your clon taper! i just saw it in your sig.. it gives me hope as i begin my own taper, similar dose and timeframe. thanks for posting this 

 

nomore,  I've followed some of your writings as well.  If I were to do this all over again, it would be to start at a correct tapering dose and follow your plan....the DLMT.  Thank you for the kind words. 

Breck

[[no...]]

Breck you've made great progress on your clon taper! i just saw it in your sig.. it gives me hope as i begin my own taper, similar dose and timeframe. thanks for posting this 

 

nomore,  I've followed some of your writings as well.  If I were to do this all over again, it would be to start at a correct tapering dose and follow your plan....the DLMT.  Thank you for the kind words. 

Breck

 

well thank you as well    you're using the scale for your current taper still right? if it works i say don't change it!

is it hard to get the same amount in each dose using powder?

 

the only reason i'm using liquid is i found it's impossible to get the tiny reductions i need without it. followed instructions on the tapering threads to get the formula for the solution, experimented with solvents and settled on the one i have now.

 

my other med is a suspension and i just mix the powdered pills in with a certain amount of HUMCO suspension agent (like ora-plu but 1/2 the cost) for simplicity's sake. but i started out shaving a tiny bit off those seroquel pills with a razor! i didn't know what i was doing! thank goodness for BB.

[[Br...]]

..... you're using the scale for your current taper still right? if it works i say don't change it!

is it hard to get the same amount in each dose using powder?

 

the only reason i'm using liquid is i found it's impossible to get the tiny reductions i need without it. followed instructions on the tapering threads to get the formula for the solution, experimented with solvents and settled on the one i have now.

 

my other med is a suspension and i just mix the powdered pills in with a certain amount of HUMCO suspension agent (like ora-plu but 1/2 the cost) for simplicity's sake. but i started out shaving a tiny bit off those seroquel pills with a razor! i didn't know what i was doing! thank goodness for BB.

 

When I hit .5 mg K then I'll be holding for awhile.  As you know dry cutting is a pain at the lower dose due to variances in pill weight plus scale inaccuracy (no two scale weighings on my scale are the same). You're tapering plan is well thought out.

 

We should turn the thread back to NPD - a subject which unfortunately I know all too well.  If NPD didn't exist it's fair to say a lot of folks wouldn't have ever taken a benzo.

[[no...]]

..... you're using the scale for your current taper still right? if it works i say don't change it!

is it hard to get the same amount in each dose using powder?

 

the only reason i'm using liquid is i found it's impossible to get the tiny reductions i need without it. followed instructions on the tapering threads to get the formula for the solution, experimented with solvents and settled on the one i have now.

 

my other med is a suspension and i just mix the powdered pills in with a certain amount of HUMCO suspension agent (like ora-plu but 1/2 the cost) for simplicity's sake. but i started out shaving a tiny bit off those seroquel pills with a razor! i didn't know what i was doing! thank goodness for BB.

 

When I hit .5 mg K then I'll be holding for awhile.  As you know dry cutting is a pain at the lower dose due to variances in pill weight plus scale inaccuracy (no two scale weighings on my scale are the same). You're tapering plan is well thought out.

 

We should turn the thread back to NPD - a subject which unfortunately I know all too well.  If NPD didn't exist it's fair to say a lot of folks wouldn't have ever taken a benzo.

 

yes certainly! 

 

that is a very profound statement, "If NPD didn't exist it's fair to say a lot of folks wouldn't have ever taken a benzo."

 

and i totally agree, at least in my case.

but it wasn't my narcissist parents who made me who i am today. it was/is my resiliency.

that's what ought to be given the credit for my survival, and now my healing. 

 

maybe all of us can say the same?

cause we REALLY don't give ourselves credit enough for our surviving and healing from those traumas. we keep plugging away at it without any recognition for our efforts.

 

we all deserve a big round of applause, as cheesy as that sounds!

if we were able to drink, i would raise my glass to the whole lot of us ACON's and toast to our damned indefeatable resiliency! we are a hardy bunch! 

(lol, i know it's not a birthday party, but it's the closest thing i could find to a party hat or a cheers! toast)

[[ma...]]

It's true. I'm too self critical and can't keep a safe distance from abusers, which have caused me a lot of problems, but I'm resilient and self-determined. Also, I'm not manipulable, I smell any manipulation, and manipulators seem even ridiculous. So

[[va...]]

Who are some celebrities or people I might know in media who are narcs?  I think I read that Madonna is one?  I know she has relationship problems with her kids.

 

 

 

  You're too funny.  I can admit when I'm wrong and be ok with it and also I will say I'm sorry if I think I've hurt someone.  Maybe I'm a narcissist and refuse to recognize it in myself.

 

If you were a narcissist you would never admit that possibility. So don't worry, you're not one

 

This being said, I learned that if we are raised by a narcissist we'll most likely acquire at least a few narcissistic traits (called "fleas"). I'm trying to correct mine

 

This is such a difficult subject. I really want this thread to survive and attract new people. What worries me are possible projections we could be making here.

 

I have often unconsciously projected my anger towards Mother on different women. So that I could feel comfortable being around her. These were usually some authority figures. Alpha-females. Mother is an Alpha-female. She is extremely charming, with a great sense of humor and wit.

 

I used to adore her. Until I realized how much I was being manipulated. She is controlling and has always wanted me all to herself. Eliminating everyone who was close to me.

 

How do I know that I project the negative feelings, which are actually against Mother. Cause the degree of anger and hurt is always disproportionate to the situation. These are the feelings of a small child.

 

I started reading an interesting book by Robert Greene "The Laws of Human Nature". The author claims that all human beings are narcissistic to some degree.

 

It's like with the OCD. Everyone has obsessions/compulsions from time to time. Like checking the locks, washing hands, intrusive thoughts etc. But if these exceed one hour a day, then it's considered a psychiatric disorder.

 

The ACONs usually inherit some of their parent's narcissistic personality traits. It's important to realize it and work on it.

 

The Inner Critic, the perfectionism, the self-loathing. So difficult to accept oneself when one never got acceptance from the most important people in one's life. Just a couple of thoughts. I guess one needs to focus on how to can become one's own loving Parent. To learn self-care, self-compassion, self-acceptance.

 

It's our private business if we forgive or not. I cannot and I won't forgive.

 

This is all so difficult and hurtful to talk about. Not sure how much I can contribute. It is a very traumatic subject for me. But I will probably be reading this thread.

 

Thank you Estee for this insightful, deep post. 

[[no...]]

https://youtu.be/RPmCGZWGBH4

 

"Harriet Craig" - 1950 with Joan Crawford

 

wow just watched this last night, it is great, but horrible if you understand what i mean...

 

great because it's such a perfect portrayal of the narcissist (character of Harriet Craig as played by real life narcissist Joan Crawford) and how she manipulates and triangulates everyone in her life to control her husband...also it shows the very poignant relationship between the narc and her own mother. the movie is great but horrible because it hits painfully close to home.

 

if you want to see a true narc in action in an entertainment form, i'd reccomend this movie even over the classic "Mommie Dearest", which also stars narcissist Faye Dunaway playing a narc mom, a true story of the adopted daughter of Joan Crawford from the daughter's view.

 

 

 

 

[[no...]]

It's true. I'm too self critical and can't keep a safe distance from abusers, which have caused me a lot of problems, but I'm resilient and self-determined. Also, I'm not manipulable, I smell any manipulation, and manipulators seem even ridiculous. So

 

woohoo high five! (i guess the high five is way beter than a "happy birthday" lol!)

 

that is exactly the kind of empowerment we need more of!  kudos magnesi.  you show a lot of integrity by admitting to yourself the places you're still working on (some would call weaknesses but i see it as strength of character to be able to admit one's own shortcomings) while still forging ahead anyways. like you said: "resilient and self-determined".

 

i think this is so encouraging, we need to hear this from each other, and ourselves, to cancel out the negative talk we've heard all our lives. especially the negative self talk/inner critic within ourselves.

 

they say it takes about 3 weeks of repetitions to create a habit...so i guess if that's true, then if  everytime the inner critic says "you're so stupid" or "you're always screwing stuff up"...i say to myself something positive like "it's ok not to know something" or "making mistakes is human. you're just human"

or whatever, then if i do that 21 times? maybe it will start shutting down those inner critical messages...  maybe. lol

 

it does work for other stuff. when i was going thru sugar withdrawals, evertime i'd be crying or screaming "i want chocolate!!!!!" (lol, it's true i still occasionally crave it  to this day, maybe forever?) but anyways, everytime i'd be saying that inside (and out loud), i would replace it with "ok you want chocolate. you're feeling down, and need those happy endorphins you used to get from chocolate. but let's go eat something salty like popcorn instead and you'll feel better". it didn't work right away. but after a few weeks i did notice that everytime i did that thing, and ate the salty stuff when i craved sweets, it really started working. i sorta had to be the parent to my litle cranky kid inside, but be a good and kind parent, instead of the mean one from before.

 

so happy to hear you're getting stronger, magnesi. 

[[Be...]]

I used to work in a lab and the one big boss told me I was a perfectionist.  Well, when you're running lab tests, it's a good trait to have.  She was the narc, I realize now.  I guess narcs are ladder climbers too at companies and don't care who they step on to get to the top? 

[[ma...]]

Thanks nomoredrugsforme. I was getting stronger, finally making sense of things and looking for ways to deal with them until yesterday when my mother called to say my younger sister went missing. My sister has psychiatric issues and her situation was what made me eventually realize how sick and selfish my mother is and how dysfunctional my family became. We are four siblings and mother triangulated us since I can remember, so nowadays we barely speak to each other. My younger sister was neither the scapegoat (that was me) nor the golden child (another sister). She was a sort of lost child, often acting as a flying monkey. Her psychiatric condition deteriorated over the years, as she never left home and was always under mother's influence. Nine years ago she was hospitalized after a psychotic event that my parents were not able to hide. Lately, I was trying to discuss her treatment, as she took antipsichotics for many years, became obese and depressed and could never make anything with her life. I tried to make them see that she has the right to have a life and that they should not make her take meds just to keep her under their control, but nobody would listen and I ended up being bullied. Mother did not care that my sister was totally unhealthy and becoming more and more isolated. Finally, yesterday, my sister stopped answering calls from mother and golden child sister, threw her phone in the garbage and didn't return home. We don't know where she is and police is looking for her.  I knew something bad would eventually happen, which is why I was trying to discuss her treatment. She didn't take any clothes with her and I don't know if she is taking her meds, which is very important as these cannot be stopped abruptly. I'm very worried and so so sorry for her. I just hope she hasn't done anything bad to herself.

[[Br...]]

..... called to say my younger sister went missing. .......She didn't take any clothes with her and I don't know if she is taking her meds, which is very important as these cannot be stopped abruptly. I'm very worried and so so sorry for her. I just hope she hasn't done anything bad to herself.

 

Mag,  I pray your sister is safe and finds her way home. 

[[no...]]

I used to work in a lab and the one big boss told me I was a perfectionist.  Well, when you're running lab tests, it's a good trait to have.  She was the narc, I realize now.  I guess narcs are ladder climbers too at companies and don't care who they step on to get to the top?

 

well i wish more people in that line of work had the same work eithic as you, Becks.  if there were more perfectionists in that line then maybe there wouldn't be so many false positives/negatives...sometimes people's lives depend on those tests' accuracy! yeah, maybe she was jealous that you were maikng her look bad by comparison?

[[no...]]

Thanks nomoredrugsforme. I was getting stronger, finally making sense of things and looking for ways to deal with them until yesterday when my mother called to say my younger sister went missing. My sister has psychiatric issues and her situation was what made me eventually realize how sick and selfish my mother is and how dysfunctional my family became. We are four siblings and mother triangulated us since I can remember, so nowadays we barely speak to each other. My younger sister was neither the scapegoat (that was me) nor the golden child (another sister). She was a sort of lost child, often acting as a flying monkey. Her psychiatric condition deteriorated over the years, as she never left home and was always under mother's influence. Nine years ago she was hospitalized after a psychotic event that my parents were not able to hide. Lately, I was trying to discuss her treatment, as she took antipsichotics for many years, became obese and depressed and could never make anything with her life. I tried to make them see that she has the right to have a life and that they should not make her take meds just to keep her under their control, but nobody would listen and I ended up being bullied. Mother did not care that my sister was totally unhealthy and becoming more and more isolated. Finally, yesterday, my sister stopped answering calls from mother and golden child sister, threw her phone in the garbage and didn't return home. We don't know where she is and police is looking for her.  I knew something bad would eventually happen, which is why I was trying to discuss her treatment. She didn't take any clothes with her and I don't know if she is taking her meds, which is very important as these cannot be stopped abruptly. I'm very worried and so so sorry for her. I just hope she hasn't done anything bad to herself.

 

damn i'm so sorry. that's terrible, of course you're upset,  you love her, and i can't imagine how you must feel right now

...i don't speak to my brother either (golden child and used to abuse me)...but if he disappeared i dunno what i'd do. 

you must be heartbroken and scared...

please try to take care of yourself while you're waiting to hear if she's ok. i have a feeling she would want you to.

[[Be...]]

I have a degree as a Med. Lab Tech and when you train in that field, no, you cannot make mistakes.  I misstyped a blood donor once in my training and got in trouble for it.  Working in a medical lab was too stressful for me, so I did lab work in other industries then.  That boss was a narc bitch for saying that to me.  In any lab work, if you don't do it right according to the method, then everything falls apart and the lab results are all over the place and wrong and basically useless, and can cost alot of money in industries not to mention failures of structures and roads.  I worked as a lab tech in the construction industry.  I worked in labs all my adult life.  That narc boss didn't understand that. 

[[ma...]]

Estee, no, others, sorry for not answering you, I'm at a really bad place now, my sister went missing, I'll be away for a while

[[ma...]]

My sister showed up at home today, after two days and three nights away. She only said she had been lost and now needed a bath, sleep and taking her medication. For now the worry is over

 

Thank you Breck and nomoredrugsforme, for your kind words 

[[no...]]

My sister showed up at home today, after two days and three nights away. She only said she had been lost and now needed a bath, sleep and taking her medication. For now the worry is over

 

Thank you Breck and nomoredrugsforme, for your kind words 

 

oh thankgodness she's home! i was thinking about it last night, hoping that as soon as her meds wore off she'd feel bad enough to come back home, even though she may not want to...at least it would get her back to safety. and finally let you rest. you must be exhausted...

 

don't worry about us if you take some time to rest and recharge and settle things at home now that you  got her back. we're still here, and your group is going strong. the iportant thing is for you to take care of yourself right now. 

[[no...]]

feel free to ignore this it's quite long.

 

today i saw narcmom posting lovebombing comments on my molester's wife's social media page....

this was an accidental discovery.

 

as part of my timeline and research/discovery process for my book, i've been looking up some of the key players from my past online, to get names and dates etc that i've forgotten or blocked intentionally. at this stage of my writing , i am compiling the actual facts of everything that went down from before i was conceived through current day.

 

the book will be less specific, with all the names and places and distinguishing parts changed to other names so the characters will be anonymous, unless the person knows that i wrote the book and can figure out by reading it who they are in the story.

but for legal purposes i have to protect the innocent AND the guilty people by changing those things and writing under a pen name. however this stage is writing the actual names, and places and dates and all the details exactly as they happened, as closely as possible.

 

looking up and remembering the details helps trigger the blocked memories to come up. it 's working, very painful to experience but it's working.

 

so when i was looking up the public info on my molester, it gave a link to his wife's social media. so i clicked.

i found out a lot just looking at the public photos and comments.

 

and then... there it was:

 

my narc mom praising and also inserting herself into this woman's posts and  comments, with obvious (to me but not to my mom) narc tactics and signs of jealousy, trying to steal the spotlight, acting pitiful, and others. anyways, i don't care about narcmom being narcmom, she is what she is.

 

the thing that hurt me was seeing her posting to her "friend", the wife of my childhood molester, a sworn enemy yet still best friends with both  narcmom n dad. and apparently, now the wife and her son all doing wonderfully successful in their careers, happy faces, obviously proud of their military son, enjoying the good life. so now narcmom and dad and molester and his wife can be proud of their military sons (Golden Children) together and share in their commonalities in their careers

 

all the while ignoring me, ignoring the fact that my molester/molonster did what he did and got away with it, ruined my relationships, friendships and bonding abilities for the rest of my life, ruining my career, and even seems to be making a good living and having friends and all the things that i wish i had now but don't because of the way i've acted and felt on all these meds for 24 years.

and like some others have said on here, i really pinpoint the beginning of my troubles to the early childhood sexual and emotional traumas that i endured while the unprotective narcmom and absent alcoholic dad looked on, deliberately oblivious. they refused to acknowledge the truth when i told them about it in 15 years ago. they lied to me saying "oh we don't even see (my molonster) anymore."

 

but today i stumbled upon the proof. i took photos of the posts with my phone, just in case it gets taken down, i have proof.

 

this is the man who molested me when i was 9 years old.  but when i told narcmom n dad they chose not to believe me, said i made it up because i was "bipolar" and haven't even distanced themselves from the man. they did the opposite, got closer to him and his wife and now...after a few months of silent treatment by my mom...i see the dates on the posts she made on my molester's wife's page...they are dated during this time i was being silent treatment'd.  she has been trying to get the wife of my enemy to be her friend now. isn't that sick and sad?

 

what's sicker and sadder...is that i'm feeling the pain that narcmom wants me to feel.

 

she refused to answer both phone calls and texts earlier today saying i want to speak with Grandma.

she's using my loving relationship with Grandma as a weapon against me.

me n Grandma are many hundreds of miles apart. so i can't just go see her. if i had a car i would!

 

well i have the screenshots on my phone, but i haven't sent them to narcmom, because when a narc is exposed  for doing something wrong, they go into "Narcissistic Rage". and then dealing with the "injured narcissist" is even worse.

technically, she was already in Injured Narcisssist mode because she's been punishing me with silent treatment and refusing to allow me contact with Grandma.

 

do i have legal rights to speak with my Grandma until she passes away?

 

it felt like i was doing really well, not allowing narcmom to affect me like this. today though, i'm trapped again.

i can cut ties go complete NO CONTACT at all, change email and phone numbers, but it would mean saying goodbye forever to Grandma. 

i don't know what to do.

 

and i'm not gonna lie, it hurt me so bad i was crying for several hours. seeing the molester and also my narc mom on the same side of the fence, against me, made me feel such anger. such abandonment. and helpless again like when it happened in the first place, when i was 9 years old.

 

in the past i told this wife of my molester what he'd done to me and she said "he never hurt you!" it was the typical wifely denial when the victim of a molestation and rape comes forward after many years. i can only imagine how that would feel, to find some stranger saying  i'm married to a pedophile, a child molester.

 

i can imagine the denial process in her head..."but he's a good man! he's a good husband! he's so kind and generous and talented and handsome and charming and a good father...."yadda yadda .  when i told his ex-wife what he did to me, she thanked me and sounded genuinely compassionate and concerned. she thanked me for warning her because her daughter at the time was about the same age as i was when he molested me. i think she must have had seen suspicious behavior or sensed something off before they divorced. but the new wife is deep in denial. anyways

 

what do i do with myself now that i see my narcmom completely turned against me, deeply actively working her way into my molester's life even with more intent that ever?  the only reason i still have low contact is to be able  call my 90 year old Grandma on the phone once a month. (Grandma lives in narcmom's house. ) my narcmom makes me text her and then she dials the phone for Grandma who has late stage Alzheimers. without staying in low contact, i lose my ability to contact the last living relative that wants me and i want back. Grandma is my family. her and my Hubbs.  they are all i have. if i cut ties completely with mom, meaning no phone text to be able to talk to Grandma, then i'll never hear from her agin until the funeral. and Grandma will become as depressed  (or more since she has noone due to om rnning everyone away) ...more depressed than me. Grandma and i love each other so much, it's the only thing i have left of my family. if i cut ties i will be saying goodbye to Grandma.

 

this is compounded by the effects of my new DLMT of clonazepam, which yall know makes you more emotionally vulnerable to begin with, and feel every emotion way more intensely. today was a mess. i feel like i'm floating. like not here or there, but just floating somewhere aimlessly. i'm gonna go wash off the stinky nervous emotional sweat and my tear-stained face.

 

thx for "listening".  it means a lot that at least i can come here and tell yall what happened today. even if no one speaks back. so thanks to everyone who reads this, no pressure, no response required. just thanks for reading. thanks for being.