for all you mothers who've lost a child...Int. Bereaved Mother's Day

[[no...]]

https://www.checkiday.com/d636fd535322245c76bc62ecd9e2cc3b/international-bereaved-mothers-day

 

i am in tears as i sit here typing this..

 

remembering the babies i conceived but miscarried, and especially the last one Veronica Li, i lost her at 4 months while painting little red ladybugs on her soon to be new baby crib.

 

today my Hubbs is off with our 3 dogs celebrating Mother's Day with his own mom, and i sit here by myself. i know that i'm not the only one feeling left out.

 

every year, there's so many of us who suffer silently while all the fanfare and gifts and time is dedicated to celebrating mothers whose kids are still alive. but we bereaved moms get no acknowledgement. in fact, the thought of what we suffered and continue to suffer everytime this holiday comes around, or anytime we have to sit in a waiting room with pregnat women and children running around, everytime we are reminded of our barren wombs or our lost children, other people shirk at the thought of even mentioning they feel for us. most people don't dare broach the topic.

 

so we are isolated even more, and as i am, today, forced to take the more "peaceful" or less troublemaking path of staying home, instead of going along to the big mother's day celebration in the park and then at her house, where my Hubbs makes her a very expensive steak dinner for her, her hubby and himself. i was not included in the dinner plans until last night when i asked if maybe Hubbs would cook a piece of salmon and thaw out some frozen squash we already had in the freezer. his indifference when i asked the question about being included as a mother, and then this morning his annoyance at having to cook something "special" for me to be included was all it took for me to say "ok i'm gona stay home and keep the peace so yall can enjoy the day. i bit back the tears until he was out the door, taking our 3 dogs with him. oh but then he had to come back in to grab  "Mom's gift" a fancy photo stick thing that cost about 70 bucks. yes i'm jealous. i wish he would have showed the same appreciation for me as his own mother. it's this way every year. i've even told her and him years before this one, that this day is very hard for me and why. they don't seem to care.

 

i actually felt so bad that i thought of suicidal things once he drove out of the garage and left me here. i know i'm suposed to be the bigger woman and swallow my grief but i can't and this is where i'm at. if anyone out there is relating to what i'm writing, please speak up. maybe it will help to know we're not alone today, even if we are literally alone today.

 

being in WD from meds is just the cherry on the top, as previously the meds helped to "numb" or dull the pain somewhat. this is the first year i've dealt with mothers day alone, without anything to mask my feelings. it really sucks balls.

 

[[ar...]]

So sorry for what your going through, I know what it's like to lose a child although my daughter was an adult and my only child, she had cancer.  Have you considered adoption?

[[no...]]

So sorry for what your going through, I know what it's like to lose a child although my daughter was an adult and my only child, she had cancer.  Have you considered adoption?

 

i'm sorry for your loss. cancer, and all causes of death are terrible, no matter what age they are still our babies.

 

as for adoption, the answer for me is no. not that i wouldn't like to. but the answer is no.

 

1. i am 46 and disabled due to all the polydrugging over 24 years to current day. i will be in WD for the next 7 years or so. then the healing process after the drugs are out of me completely. by then i will be in my late 50's-early 60's. too late to adopt.

 

2. i am barely able to afford my living expenses and food and medicine, and taking care of our 3 rescued dogs, and one rescued feral cat. there is no money left to take care of the needs of another person.

 

3. although i would have made the most dedicated and loving nurturing mother, i am now another person, with very traumatized family history which makes me unsuitable for adoption in the eyes of the powers that be. nobody wants to give an orphan to a middle aged woman with a history of "mental illness" and sexual abuse by her own immediate family and others. and i agree. at this time in my life, i would not make the best mother.

 

had i been able to adopt at the time of my last miscarriage, i would have made a wonderful mother, but that time is long past.

 

perhaps it was a blessing in disguise, because of all the past trauma issues and also because of my genetic heritage. i don't want to pass on the genes of my biologcal mother OR father to another human being. they are both mentally ill and one is criminally dangerous. also i have 2 siblings who are mentally unstable, one who has done prison time for his crimes. i thank the gods that those traits skipped me, however i do suffer with drug dependence from these prescribed meds. i am not an addict but my thinking/judgement is sometimes skewed and i don't think that is good for raising a healthy child into a productive member of society.

 

pre-polydrugging, perhaps i would have had a chance. we called Veronica Li our "miracle baby" because the doctors had done surgeries to diagnose why we couldn't conceive, and we were told that the endometriosis would prevent us from ever successfully conceiving. however, we adopted a dog, and got pregnant.

 

i immediately cold turkeyed the zoloft i was on to prevent causing any birth defects and nobody told me how hard that was going to be on me. i thought the "morning sickness" which was 24/7 was just that, morning sickness. nobody told me i was in withdrawals those 4 months. anyways, i'd do it again if i could go back in time. i wanted the safest 9 months for my baby i could provide.

 

she was taken too soon, but it may have been for the best. the surgery to remove her body from my womb was done and then i went into acute postpartum depression and was hospitalized until stable enough to have a total hysterectomy. i couldn't bear another loss. and the endo was everywhere. so after the hyst, i went through immediate postsurgical menopause. put on hrt. worsenned my SX's all around and the dr's just put me on more and more and new and different combos of more drugs.

 

and so here i am today. but that doesn't mean i'm not a good mother. i will always be a good mother. i just didn't get to experience all the milestones with my child that others do. i love my dogs though, and even the feral cat sometimes lol. one day i want to teach art to children and especially Downs or other types of mental "deficiencies" children and grown children. they are very special and very creative and when given the proper respect and opportunity to express themselves, often show the most profound abilities. i would be honoring Veronica Li in that. i would be honoring myself in that.  and old women are allowed to be art teachers to anyone. so i am not limited in the same way that i am with adoption.

 

thanks for your kind words!

[[ar...]]

Life sure is difficult, but I believe there is life after death. Because of all the medical advances, hundreds of people have been brought back to life from near death and there are so many stories about the after life.  I know I will see my daughter again just as you will hold your baby again someday!      sincerely, Zona

[[no...]]

Life sure is difficult, but I believe there is life after death. Because of all the medical advances, hundreds of people have been brought back to life from near death and there are so many stories about the after life.  I know I will see my daughter again just as you will hold your baby again someday!      sincerely, Zona

 

i think there is nothing so much as death ...more like this car we're in breaks down eventually on the journey and so we get into another car and continue on our journey...like John Lennon spoke of at the end of his song "God"....getting out of one car and getting into another. our bodies are just vehicles that we use to travel on our journey.

 

yah i agree i think i will see my babies again someday, in a nother vehicle.