Winter Is Tough: The Seasons of Withdrawal

[[Gw...]]

I'm really having a tough time with the season. Anyone else?

 

I tapered throughout the Spring and Summer when I was able to get outside and let the sunlight and fresh air really work for me. Long walks are one of my best coping and self-care routines, and I attribute my relatively quick taper rate (partly) to the time of year.

 

I even took one of the best and most relaxing vacations of my life to a cabin in the woods by a river; I turned a healing corner then towards the end of my taper when I learned how acceptance could help me grow in the increasing amount of time that passed while I was still very ill. I remember experiencing a vivid and lovely window around Labor Day Weekend, when I deep-cleaned my house for the first time in years, planted my first garden (hostas, ferns, and mums - I wanted color!), baked brownies and painted wooden pallets to cheer up my front porch. Friends inquired about my health as the months went by, and I was able to make it out to a few brief social engagements.

 

I was able to return from light duty to full time at work soon after I jumped, right as I went into my absolute favorite season: Autumn. I was starting to feel a little bit better by then, and I was taking my new camera on longer walks around my neighborhood and even 7-10 mile hikes with friends and their dogs on the weekends. At some point, I started "doing brunch" with people like an adult. (Crock pots were involved.) My sleep is better, but I still have panic attacks in the mornings. I'm physically much better but I'm moody as hell and I know it. I got through it, because I could get outside and exercise in gorgeous weather.

 

Now It's Winter.

 

I always get depressed in the winter, and this year the cold, dark days are coinciding with my post-acute shift from physical symptoms to mental (like - you guessed it - depression). It's not even Christmas yet, and I'm so ready for spring. Nothing is green anymore; all those colors I was finally able to see vividly after a decade of Valium are brown now. It's dark when I get home from work, and I still brave the cold to take a walk sometimes because cold city streets are still better than staying inside all day. But I don't get the same energy back from it, and it's starting to wear on me. I've been drinking more coffee and eating more junk food. Watching more TV. It's not all terrible habits of course, I mean I've learned to crochet even if I'm reading less. And anyway internet browsing counts as reading, right? I at least get some exercise on the elliptical in front of the TV, but damn do I miss those long, rambling walks in sunlight and warm weather when I could get my sanity back in a single evening after a bad day.

 

I've just been bracing myself to tough it out: got some decent warm clothes for winter hikes, getting out to see friends and family more often (even when it's awkward or hard) because the companionship is worth it, trying to get into the holiday spirit enough to put up some cheerful lights. I'm stressed out - my car was stolen and it's expensive, my older cat that I'm very bonded with was just diagnosed hyperthyroid, work isn't going great, friends are leaning on me now with their problems (because I've managed to cultivate meaningful relationships and that just comes with the territory). But it's draining, and I'm an unmedicated adult for the first time in my life, and I'm still not entirely well. I'm anxious in the mornings and depressed in the evenings, and I overreact to everything because my brain is not great at being calm right now.

 

So I'm coping, but I don't really feel that I'm healing as well during winter. Maybe this is just normal life ups and downs and I'm experiencing them more fully without the Valium. I'd like to think that's the case, as it means my brain really is healing and the rest of this other stuff will pass eventually. Maybe I'll even continue healing in this pattern, where Spring will be my season as I emerge from this experience with this weight off my chest and this fog out of my mind. I'm afraid to get my hopes up too much because this is taking so. damn. long, but I think it could be possible and that gets me through the worst of it.

 

(Thanks for reading, I know I rambled.)

 

 

[[Ma...]]

I always struggle with the dark season I always tell myself the solstice is the mid point of winter rater than the first day since it is t he mid point in terms of length of days I live in Nor cl so i know I cannot complain too much, but we have no central heat in this house and the cold and discomfort of wearing heavy undergarments all the time on sensitive skin gets old I have waited to start my Valium crossover because of the difficulty of Winter Nothing weird about it