What Can You Not Just Forgive For Once and For All Yet?

[[az...]]

Me:

 

I know, but I can't say yet.

[[Rx...]]

Being prescribed benzos too long with no warning whatsoever. 

[[az...]]

I told my mother I can't forgive her, today, for the same thing/reasons (and similar issues tied in with traumatic and damaging memories which actually feel a hell of a lot like PTSD) I posted on another thread about possible reasons why we are here… for me my mother and father had a lot to do with it.

[[az...]]

I told my mother I can't forgive her, today, for the same thing/reasons (and similar issues tied in with traumatic and damaging memories which actually feel a hell of a lot like PTSD) I posted on another thread about possible reasons why we are here… for me my mother and father had a lot to do with it.

 

I feel that she was the one who pressured me into the 3 abortions I had and that she is not remorseful at all for it- never was.

 

She has done so many things to me to seemingly try and systematically destroy my sense of femininity and any kind of real family (outside of her.)

[[Lo...]]

All those smart-alecky people in my life who started warning me about benzos only when I gave them a detailed and well-researched account of what happened to me. Basically, using the knowledge I was sharing with them against me.

[Guest [sa...]]

Psychiatry. Though i will never forgive them, though.

[[az...]]

I told my mother I can't forgive her, today, for the same thing/reasons (and similar issues tied in with traumatic and damaging memories which actually feel a hell of a lot like PTSD) I posted on another thread about possible reasons why we are here… for me my mother and father had a lot to do with it.

 

I feel that she was the one who pressured me into the 3 abortions I had and that she is not remorseful at all for it- never was.

 

She has done so many things to me to seemingly try and systematically destroy my sense of femininity and any kind of real family (outside of her.)

 

I forgive her, I'm just so happy I don't have to speak with her ever again. I can forgive and let go and respect someone for being their own individual but that door to a relationship is no longer open. I wanted to be a daughter, not a best friend of a grown woman or

 

You know, it… just doesn't work for me.

 

Today, I realize even with all the "good times" or "memories" there has just been too much suffering for me to wish to continue in any capacity.

 

I figure, if I have just had the death of who it was was my actual Mother, emotionally and intellectually present and aiding me in my development from an objective and sensitive/respectful position of my individuality, then why not kill the relationship with this "mother" person who did all these things somehow unfortunately for me…

 

I guess, but you know she was the one who made some really freaking ridiculous choices herself, and she just- yeah. It goes around and around… like the benzodiazepine epidemic. What is there to make sense of? I was her purpose for joy and getting up in the morning and it should never be that way- human beings cannot fulfill purpose for one another. They can assist in adding comfort to an otherwise overwhelming sets of realities at times or just because… you know, because love.

 

But when it gets to this level of suffering, what is the point? She is not my God. I am so tired of all of it. I hope I can start to feel like my real self more and more now.

 

Thank you for all the support here,

me.

[Guest [Ru...]]

azalea,

 

My journey regarding my relationship with my mother has been the same as yours. Our experiences are very similar...as is (y)our conclusion. I found your post very validating to read. Thank you for that.

[[Rx...]]

azalea, I personally find this meme to be true.  That does not mean it is necessarily an easy thing for me to do, however.  Very difficult in many cases.  Much easier in other cases.

 

[[Se...]]

Medical professionals who so far, none have had a single clue.

 

Myself, for not finding better ways to deal with stress and anxiety and instead taking klonopin this January, unknowingly throwing myself into this hell.

 

I'm trying to forgive, but it is hard.

[[az...]]

To feel accepted by other women who can relate is a really fine thing to have in life also being one. 

[Guest [Sk...]]

azalea, I personally find this meme to be true.  That does not mean it is necessarily an easy thing for me to do, however.  Very difficult in many cases.  Much easier in other cases.

 

 

People and situations too.  Not easy however it  is about SELF CARE. 

 

[[Ma...]]

That the people we trusted the most, didn't care for us, they handed out scripts for just pure poison and most are still not learning to hep us now

[[az...]]

 

Lauryn Hill - To Zion

[[az...]]

 

No Doubt - Just A Girl

[[az...]]

 

311- Amber

[[az...]]

 

Weezer - Island In The Sun

 

Difficult to forgive you, though it's easy and I do it all the time it still hurts every once in a while

Especially because I didn't feel what I needed to at the time

I do it without thinking

Hope you are enjoying everything, I don't think you really are

 

[Regarding person from past (RPFP)]

[[Es...]]

Azalea - maybe this book could help you. That is, if your mother suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Reading this book was a very traumatic experience to me. But I think that’s where my emotional healing started.

 

I’m afraid I will never forgive parents for having destroyed my psyche when I was a happy, healthy, confident kid. It hurts a lot and I wish I could forgive them. It is just impossible for me. When I see pictures of this kid, I simply cannot imagine how it could have happened.

 

[Guest [Ru...]]

Estee - thank you so much for sharing openly. It seems many of us are dealing with this heartbreak. I feel the same thing as you when I think of the sunny, trusting little girl I used to be... 

 

My mother falls on the severe end of the psychopathy spectrum. It took this withdrawal experience for me finally to acknowledge that she has never loved me (she is unable to) and that, in fact, she tried to kill me on more than one occasion. This realisation has left me reeling in the darkest place I have ever been. But I do know that if I can work through this during withdrawal, I will be reborn with a strength and hopefulness that few will ever experience. And I will be truly healed.

 

This site has been helpful to me: https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

 

The forgiveness issue is a tough, tough one. I'm not there yet. Not by a long shot. I try to see it as a process, a work in progress... For now, I prefer terms such as 'letting go', 'walking away', 'moving on'... For me, going 'no contact' recently has been absolutely essential.

 

Love, strength, and peace to everyone going through this.

Lara

[[az...]]

I am stunned, in a way. You two know what I mean- and others here.

 

It's not new, but it has been difficult to see, I am heartbroken… I do not know what to say apart from that I'm thankful to hear from other women with the same painful truth to face.

[[az...]]

 

Sam Cooke- a change is gonna come (Cover)

 

Really feel this young man does this song best

[[az...]]

Obviously it's not specific to gender, there are male versions- all kinds. Wow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Commence the tripping.

[[az...]]

 

Youth - Daughter

[[az...]]

I may struggle a bit today. I don't think I'm going to fight this, but I'm feeling uncomfortable for sure 

[[az...]]

"Just A Girl"

 

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes

I'm exposed and it's no big surprise

Don't you think I know exactly where I stand

This world is forcing me to hold your hand

 

'Cause I'm just a girl, a little 'ol me

Well don't let me out of your sight

Oh I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite

So don't let me have any rights

 

Oh...I've had it up to here!

 

The moment that I step outside

So many reasons for me to run and hide

I can't do the little things I hold so dear

'Cause it's all those little things that I fear

 

'Cause I'm just a girl I'd rather not be

'Cause they won't let me drive late at night

Oh I'm just a girl, guess I'm some kind of freak

'Cause they all sit and stare with their eyes

 

Oh I'm just a girl, take a good look at me

Just your typical prototype

 

Oh...I've had it up to here!

 

Oh...am I making myself clear?

 

I'm just a girl

I'm just a girl in the world...

That's all that you'll let me be!

 

I'm just a girl, living in captivity

Your rule of thumb makes me worry some

I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?

What I've succumbed to is making me numb

 

Oh I'm just a girl, my apologies

What I've become is so burdensome

Oh I'm just a girl, lucky me

Twiddle-dum there's no comparison

 

Oh...I've had it up to!

Oh...I've had it up to!

Oh...I've had it up to here!

 

 

 

 

I feel like I am continually having to throw energy off of me, other's emotions etc.

I don't need to feel this way so much when I am out, but at home and I feel I can't be left alone even by renters here who are tenants of the mother.

It's not that I'm so wonderful, it's that people lead pathetic lives here and it's not my fault- you can still live while you are alive… you don't have to be a certain age. Live or die- choose, don't be jealous! I have to say this kind of thing is pathetic and it isn't my sole responsibility to make other's happy-

and according to the constitution of this country that I live in in the US, I am entitled to " the right to pursue happiness. "