How We Each Got Here: The Role Our Parents Play/Have Played

[[Ma...]]

We think our parents were making conscious decisions about how they treated us.  But this is false.  They were acting under the influences of their histories and genes, just as we are.  They had little to no choice in their actions.  Those of us who blame our parents need to rethink it.  It took me 50 years to understand this.

 

This, exactly!!!  Now that I am a parent, I can try to understand why my parents did things and why I do, but some bad habits are still getting repeated, even though I want the best for my kid, just like my parent.  We're all human. 

 

We r grow up saying we won't be them, but genetics and nurturing def play a role in who we r.....l

[Guest [Sk...]]

We think our parents were making conscious decisions about how they treated us.  But this is false.  They were acting under the influences of their histories and genes, just as we are.  They had little to no choice in their actions.  Those of us who blame our parents need to rethink it.  It took me 50 years to understand this.

 

This, exactly!!!  Now that I am a parent, I can try to understand why my parents did things and why I do, but some bad habits are still getting repeated, even though I want the best for my kid, just like my parent.  We're all human. 

 

 

so very true and regardless we often become stronger in the process as we change

and  learn and of course the world and opportunities to learn the needed  changes for us also happens

Choices matter even our view of our parents change when we understand more. 

[[Se...]]

I hadn't really considered this until recently, while talking to my therapist.

 

I was describing the toxic relationship with my parents... how we have no contact now for years, and how at the last visits with them that I could remember, my father taking my mother's xanax at the table and drinking 3-4 glasses of wine just to be able to handle the stress of us all sitting together. He was always a beer drinker and I have no idea what else went on when I was young. My mother is a pill popper form the word go, always taking pills to ease stress and anxiety.

 

While I dont directly blame my parents, I do wonder if I had grown up with parents who were capable of using and teaching healthy ways to manage stress, not running to alcohol or pills, if my entire outlook might have been so different that I would have never taken benzos in the first place.

[[Ma...]]

I hadn't really considered this until recently, while talking to my therapist.

 

I was describing the toxic relationship with my parents... how we have no contact now for years, and how at the last visits with them that I could remember, my father taking my mother's xanax at the table and drinking 3-4 glasses of wine just to be able to handle the stress of us all sitting together. He was always a beer drinker and I have no idea what else went on when I was young. My mother is a pill popper form the word go, always taking pills to ease stress and anxiety.

 

While I dont directly blame my parents, I do wonder if I had grown up with parents who were capable of using and teaching healthy ways to manage stress, not running to alcohol or pills, if my entire outlook might have been so different that I would have never taken benzos in the first place.

 

I've read in many different spiritual books, that we are born to the people that can teach us the things as a spiritual being, that we needed to learn, but also things our parents needed to learn.  I have burn sober since 1991, but always an anxious person, so twice now over my life I have taken xanax.

But that's not all I learned from my parents....they were both very generous, my love of reading and plants came from my dad.  My mom was shy, she showed her. Love by cooking and keeping the house clean. Treating you very special when u were sick.  Now lots of days they would be fighting from the alcohol abuse.  I guess my long drawn out point, is we also inherited othrt attributes from them.  I know some had no nurturing at all, and I am so sorry. 

[[Ph...]]

I hadn't really considered this until recently, while talking to my therapist.

 

I was describing the toxic relationship with my parents... how we have no contact now for years, and how at the last visits with them that I could remember, my father taking my mother's xanax at the table and drinking 3-4 glasses of wine just to be able to handle the stress of us all sitting together. He was always a beer drinker and I have no idea what else went on when I was young. My mother is a pill popper form the word go, always taking pills to ease stress and anxiety.

 

While I dont directly blame my parents, I do wonder if I had grown up with parents who were capable of using and teaching healthy ways to manage stress, not running to alcohol or pills, if my entire outlook might have been so different that I would have never taken benzos in the first place.

 

The influence of "imprinting" is very, very strong.  As children we naturally look to our parents to give us the "survival patterns" for life.  Evolution tells us to look for these patterns as children...to listen, to watch.  After all, our parents are here, they have survived the "jungle," (so what if that jungle was two millions years ago...your genes don't care) therefore they must doing something right.  So our genes say to us, "soak it up, learn, adopt these behaviors!"  You say that you have no idea what else went on when you were young.  It's possible that you don't have a conscious awareness of what went on, but there are other areas of your brain (mind) that do in fact store these experiences and influence your behaviors and emotions.  This is the part of the mind that therapists strive to make visible to you so you can make healthy changes in the way you process the world.  So you ask if your entire outlook might have been different if your parents' behaviors were different?  The answer is definitely "yes."

[[Ph...]]

This is a question I just answered today on another forum, after answering I thought that it would be advantageous for us to start speaking on what could have happened in each of our development and upbringing which caused us to be unable to manage our own emotions and those of others and the threats, challenges, joys and losses in life.

 

Q: My mom always screams at me whenever I feel sick and when I don’t go to school. Why is she doing this?

 

She is afraid that you will not survive.  Her fear is so severe that it is expressed in a dysfunctional, hurtful way.  It is expressed in this way because she was never taught (never observed) any other way of expressing it.

 

[[Se...]]

I hadn't really considered this until recently, while talking to my therapist.

 

I was describing the toxic relationship with my parents... how we have no contact now for years, and how at the last visits with them that I could remember, my father taking my mother's xanax at the table and drinking 3-4 glasses of wine just to be able to handle the stress of us all sitting together. He was always a beer drinker and I have no idea what else went on when I was young. My mother is a pill popper form the word go, always taking pills to ease stress and anxiety.

 

While I dont directly blame my parents, I do wonder if I had grown up with parents who were capable of using and teaching healthy ways to manage stress, not running to alcohol or pills, if my entire outlook might have been so different that I would have never taken benzos in the first place.

 

The influence of "imprinting" is very, very strong.  As children we naturally look to our parents to give us the "survival patterns" for life.  Evolution tells us to look for these patterns as children...to listen, to watch.  After all, our parents are here, they have survived the "jungle," (so what if that jungle was two millions years ago...your genes don't care) therefore they must doing something right.  So our genes say to us, "soak it up, learn, adopt these behaviors!"  You say that you have no idea what else went on when you were young.  It's possible that you don't have a conscious awareness of what went on, but there are other areas of your brain (mind) that do in fact store these experiences and influence your behaviors and emotions.  This is the part of the mind that therapists strive to make visible to you so you can make healthy changes in the way you process the world.  So you ask if your entire outlook might have been different if your parents' behaviors were different?  The answer is definitely "yes."

 

And ironically (or maybe not, actually) my mother used to tell me that her mother was the person the Rolling Stones were singing about in "Mother's Little Helper"

 

"..Mother needs something today to calm her down

And though she's not really ill

There's a little yellow pill

She goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper

And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day.."

 

"..Doctor please, some more of these

Outside the door, she took four more

What a drag it is getting old.."

 

"..So go running for the shelter of a mother's little helper

And four help you through the night, help to minimize your plight.."

 

"..And if you take more of those, you will get an overdose

No more running for the shelter of a mother's little helper

They just helped you on your way, through your busy dying day.."

 

 

So what I've witnessed here, was my grandmother's behavior, learned and carried on by my mother, and eventually, me.