Smothered SMOTHERED by a Retired Husband

[[Ph...]]

A buddy of mine is married to a woman who works long shifts away from home as a CNA, and works a second job in a restaurant so she is almost never home. She does a lot of things that drive him crazy (I wouldn't be able to tolerate a lot of it even in small doses, but that is a different story) but it seems to work for them, and I am guessing that this is only because she is never home. I have often wondered how it would work out if she was home more often, and I am guessing it would not work.

 

So I can understand where you are coming from. I am the kind of person that needs a lot of time alone to recharge so I know I would be the same way. Matter of fact I think part of the reason why I am still have a fair amount of agitatation is because I live with my retired mother, I do most of my work from home and she is home most of the time.

 

I think you are going to have to bring this to his attention. The problem isn't going to go away and if you don't address it. it is going to get worse. You don't want to grow to resent him for something that isn't his fault and could very likely be worked out. In my case I am going to be moving out soon so I just grit my teeth and deal with it. If I weren't going to be taking myself out of that situation I would absolutely have to make some kind of changes or it wouldn't be a good situation.

 

Thank you for your response Florida Guy.  I have brought this to his attention.  About a year ago, we had a long, and I thought, productive discussion about pursuing some separate interests.  He acknowledged that he had none and needed some and promised to work on it.    I talked at length about how I needed a bit of alone time, and he heard that.  It wasn't news to him anyway as I've always been like that.  Its as I said earlier, I would now have to ratchet up the ante and begin browbeating about the issue. 

 

I have tried altering my own behavior, but he seems to then change his to defeat it.  An example of this is that I started getting up an hour earlier.  I would enjoy having my first coffee in the front room, where it was peaceful and furthest away from our bedroom, and watch the sun come up and read a bit.  Well, he began to get up as soon as I did and join me.  Although I have told him I enjoy the alone time in the morning, but he seems oblivious and I cannot bring myself to yell "Get back in bed you moron!"

 

I just don't fully understand it, but he seems uneasy when I am out of pocket.  He doesn't seem to want me to be home alone, arranging his few outings to coincide when I am out with my lady friends.  I can't even articulate it fully, the feeling.

 

I am beginning to understand how couples, even very loving couples, begin to sleep in separate bedrooms.  Its not that they don't love each other, they are just starved of solitude and the sense of some separateness they need outside their coupled state.

 

Ah well.  Problems of a first world country. When we have overcome the threat of starvation, disease and annihilation, we find other things to create angst.

She

 

<<"When we have overcome the threat of starvation, disease and annihilation, we find other things to create angst.">>

 

Very well said !!! 

 

 

[[Ph...]]

  maybe this....

 

width=500 height=369https://lpix.org/2940042/Screenshot from 2017-10-05 04:50:41.png[/img]

 

 

:laugh: :laugh:

 

HAHA.  Sometimes the solutions are simple.

[[Sh...]]

Sounds like you could try to set some boundaries. My friend writes her name on the calendar, on two or three days a month, as her days. She can choose not to speak to her partner all day, has no obligation to please anyone but herself. It keeps her same and it's scheduled in.

 

It also sounds like your husband has a codependency problem. There is a program called CoDa - aka Co-dependents Anonymous. It's a real problem!

 

My mom has a developmentally delayed 31 year old acting similarly except that my sister does have a few hobbies. Making a part of the house off-limits can help (if you don't have a spare room or closet, curtain off a corner of a room as your sacred personal space.

 

Basically you could practice stating your needs for time and space of our own as a crucial factor of your mental health.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you for your response Bookoo.  Your friend sounds like her self esteem is very hale and hearty.  And YES "your needs for time and space of our own as a crucial factor of our mental health"  Well stated.  I have no problems taking time and space for myself outside my home.  What I really want is time and space ALONE inside my home and I don't know if that is reasonable.  I mean, I don't think I can reasonably tell my husband to leave his house if he isn't so inclined.  I am imagining my husband doing the same to me and if the circumstances were reversed.  In fact, for about two years in withdrawal, I didn't leave my house and a demand to do so to give someone else "space" would have been onerous.  So I am sensitive that it is his choice to remain home and that's his right as well.  So as you can see I am very conflicted about the whole issue.

 

She

[[Sh...]]

  maybe this....

 

width=500 height=369https://lpix.org/2940042/Screenshot from 2017-10-05 04:50:41.png[/img]

 

 

:laugh: :laugh:

 

Hilarious!  :laugh: :laugh:

 

She

[[be...]]

Me too! :laugh:

[[Bo...]]

Haha I've gotta show my mom that one - my dad is newly retired.

 

She finds it helps to give him tasks but one at a time, rather than a list. Could you send him out for a grocery run? Decide you suddenly need fresh parsley for a dish that you're working on?

 

I do understand your delicate predicament. Yes my friend has healthy self esteem but she is also adjusting to her partner moving in a few months ago and he isn't nearly as busy as she is. They are figuring it out as they go. His feelings were hurt at first until they talked about their needs more clearly.

 

Being in benzo withdrawal is different tho - if he is healthy. I hope he finds a hobby or something!!

[[wa...]]

SHE - I am in almost the same circumstance and it is driving me nuts!  My husband retired this past Jan 2017 after 30 years in same job. - and I was barely done tapering.  I am so grateful he was away at work all day while I was going through the worst of w/d but I am still in rough shape and it is difficult, to say the least, to be around someone who can sleep well, get up in the AM and run errands before he even has a cup of coffee!.  He doesn't make comments like yours but I feel his eyes on me whenever he is not in his home office.  I have to be sort of dressed and can't housekeep the way I'd like.  It was a huge adjustment. 

 

I love him AND also resent having him around so much.  Can these two feelings exist?  Yes they can but it is a HARD.  He works at home some to help with bills, and he is my perfect partner in all ways but the loss of privacy is huge.  We had a discussion about the difficulty in our new arrangement.  But, short of him getting another job outside the home, I guess I have to deal with it.  I was hoping he could have enough income so that he could afford an office outside the home but it is just too expensive.  I would, however, never agree to shop with him.  I would draw the line there.  Luckily, my honey has lunch with the ladies from his office and that gets him out and feeling good about himself. 

 

I have no advice except for talking about it with him if you can and draw some boundaries if possible.  WBB

[[Sh...]]

SHE - I am in almost the same circumstance and it is driving me nuts!  My husband retired this past Jan 2017 after 30 years in same job. - and I was barely done tapering.  I am so grateful he was away at work all day while I was going through the worst of w/d but I am still in rough shape and it is difficult, to say the least, to be around someone who can sleep well, get up in the AM and run errands before he even has a cup of coffee!.  He doesn't make comments like yours but I feel his eyes on me whenever he is not in his home office.  I have to be sort of dressed and can't housekeep the way I'd like.  It was a huge adjustment. 

 

I love him AND also resent having him around so much.  Can these two feelings exist?  Yes they can but it is a HARD.  He works at home some to help with bills, and he is my perfect partner in all ways but the loss of privacy is huge. We had a discussion about the difficulty in our new arrangement.  But, short of him getting another job outside the home, I guess I have to deal with it.  I was hoping he could have enough income so that he could afford an office outside the home but it is just too expensive.  I would, however, never agree to shop with him.  I would draw the line there.  Luckily, my honey has lunch with the ladies from his office and that gets him out and feeling good about himself. 

 

I have no advice except for talking about it with him if you can and draw some boundaries if possible.  WBB

 

Thank you so much for sharing your similar experience WBB.  Your highlighted words above describe it perfectly.  My DH is really a good partner overall and I love him, but the loss of privacy is indeed huge.  I think he feels it some too, but like a lot of men, he escapes to the bathroom for really long periods with a magazine and his phone and also doesn't talk about it at all like I do.  Women in general find it easier to air out their feelings while men do not.  He is kinda geeky and intellectual, a problem solver extraordinaire in his working life and in all of our conversations I can see the wheels turning in his head, his brain scanning my words for problems to solve.  But feelings - not so much.  We are too much alike in many ways.  Both tend to be introverted and prefer fewer social occasions to intellectual and solitary pursuits, he more than me.  Part of the problem is our drastic downsize from 3500 sq ft house to 1600 sq ft.  Before, one of us would just go upstairs for several hours.  Now there is not that option and we are in much tighter quarters.  We do love our perfect retirement cottage but that too is a big adjustment.

 

She

[Guest [ch...]]

> ...escapes to the bathroom for really long periods with a magazine...

 

Umm, what kind of magazine?!

[[be...]]

She I wonder if you have space, like a backyard, maybe a Tiny House would be good for him or you to go to. Just a thought. And he can build it too

[[Sh...]]

> ...escapes to the bathroom for really long periods with a magazine...

 

Umm, what kind of magazine?!

 

Ha Ha Chessplayer.  Usually a National Geographic or some sort of his industry magazine.  Good use of time I suppose?

 

[[Sh...]]

She I wonder if you have space, like a backyard, maybe a Tiny House would be good for him or you to go to. Just a thought. And get build it too

 

Nice suggestion Begood.  We live in Florida so the back yard is full of a pool.  We do use the pool however, its the only way to be outside in Florida for at least 6 months of the year.

 

She

[[Kg...]]

SheWhoMust I saw your post and thought I live in Florida too - there are so  many great volunteer organizations here that are very active and can keep someone busy forever. Perhaps you can convince your husband that he can use his skills and give back.  I don't know what he did and you say he has no interests but there are so many people who need help - Habitat for Humanity if he has any building skills, our local libraries etc.  And if he won't do it to get out of the house perhaps you can - it will give you more away time.  Just a thought.  BTW I went nuts when we moved here and I was so bored I followed my the advice above and ended up with a part time job!!  It keeps me from going crazy. 

 

 

 

 

[[Sh...]]

SheWhoMust I saw your post and thought I live in Florida too - there are so  many great volunteer organizations here that are very active and can keep someone busy forever. Perhaps you can convince your husband that he can use his skills and give back.  I don't know what he did and you say he has no interests but there are so many people who need help - Habitat for Humanity if he has any building skills, our local libraries etc.  And if he won't do it to get out of the house perhaps you can - it will give you more away time.  Just a thought.  BTW I went nuts when we moved here and I was so bored I followed my the advice above and ended up with a part time job!!  It keeps me from going crazy.

 

Hi Kgirl and thank you for your response.  My problem is not finding activities outside my house.  I have plenty of opportunities.  I am on the volunteer roster at our local hospital and while I put it aside during withdrawal, I am back at it.  I have other friends and interests outside my house.  My husband does not.  As much as I would like him to have some, one person can not force another to do anything.  After a while "suggestions" by a well meaning spouse become tiresome too no matter how well intentioned.  No, what I want and need is my house to myself from time to time.  But it isn't worth waging an all out war over.  I am venting and hoping for some validation while well aware that there are no easy answers.

 

She

[[Ch...]]

  maybe this....

 

width=500 height=369https://lpix.org/2940042/Screenshot from 2017-10-05 04:50:41.png[/img]

 

 

:laugh: :laugh:

 

:laugh: If I had a husband, that's where I'd send him! 

 

Laughing aside, I totally relate to the need for alone time and not be scrutinized and remarked about.  Couldn't do it.  Maybe he could read the following, which a retired friend of mine found for her own recently retired husband: http://www.investopedia.com/articles/retirement/07/sixstages.asp

 

Best of luck.  You'll find a way, She.  It's your right to live in peace. 

[[wa...]]

SHE -- sister -- you are TOTALLY VALIDATED by me.  I am in your world.  You just keep doing what you are doing and keep in touch here.  WBB

[[Kg...]]

She I like Challis' plan. 

 

Glad you are back to your normal life and can get out - during my taper I found it hard to leave my house.  Not fun at all. 

 

No easy answers - except to vent. 

[[Sh...]]

:laugh: If I had a husband, that's where I'd send him! 

 

Laughing aside, I totally relate to the need for alone time and not be scrutinized and remarked about.  Couldn't do it.  Maybe he could read the following, which a retired friend of mine found for her own recently retired husband: http://www.investopedia.com/articles/retirement/07/sixstages.asp

 

Best of luck.  You'll find a way, She.  It's your right to live in peace. 

 

Thank you for the link Challis.  Lot of good info there.

 

REORIENTATION STAGE "Perhaps the most difficult aspects of this stage to manage are the inevitable self-examination questions that must be answered once again, such as “Who am I, now?” “What is my purpose at this point?” and “Am I still useful in some capacity?” New – and satisfying – answers to these questions must be found if the retiree is to feel a sense of closure from his or her working days. But many retirees cannot achieve this and never truly escape this stage" 

 

I think this is where my dear husband is stuck.  He did not choose to retire, it was forced on him with the sale of his company and the subsequent new owners changing the top executive, which was my husband.  I think this happens more and more.  No parties, no gold watch, no fond farewells, just "there's the door"  with the security guards escorting him out 30 minutes after receiving the news lest he do something to damage the company.  At first he wanted to continue working but at age 62, the workplace more or less rejected him based on age.  That took him a while to realize and move on to thinking in terms of retirement.  So really mentally he has only been "retired" recently.

 

I logically know all this, but am feeling that we need to move on to the "routine" phase of retirement.  I'm sure we'll get there, but geez its painful!

 

She

 

[[Sh...]]

She I like Challis' plan. 

 

Glad you are back to your normal life and can get out - during my taper I found it hard to leave my house.  Not fun at all. 

 

No easy answers - except to vent.

 

Thank you Kgirl!

 

She

[[Sh...]]

SHE -- sister -- you are TOTALLY VALIDATED by me.  I am in your world.  You just keep doing what you are doing and keep in touch here.  WBB

 

Thank you WBB!

 

She

[[Ga...]]

Hi she.

 

I'm just putting it out there

 

When my step dad retired he stayed busy

 

In the mornings he went to senior center to play pool

 

They get their group of buddies they look forward to seeing, I think

[[Sh...]]

Hi she.

 

I'm just putting it out there

 

When my step dad retired he stayed busy

 

In the mornings he went to senior center to play pool

 

They get their group of buddies they look forward to seeing, I think

 

Hi Gardenia.  Yes, some men handle it better than others in my observations.  Of my group of lady friends, it runs the whole gamut with some being too busy with leisure activities and others just hovering in the house underfoot, but most somewhere in between.

 

She

[[ly...]]

 

 

She,

 

How about him starting a consulting business?  My husband has a friend who did this after a year or so of simply being at a loss as to how to fill his time.

 

...my husband would be very happy to be dropped off at a bar!

[[Sh...]]

 

 

She,

 

How about him starting a consulting business?  My husband has a friend who did this after a year or so of simply being at a loss as to how to fill his time.

 

...my husband would be very happy to be dropped off at a bar!

 

Hi Lynn!  He already does a bit of consulting in his industry - from home.  Actually this is even more daunting than him simply being at home.  When he is on the phone with clients, I have to be a ghost.  The house is limited in space and sound and my activities are distracting.  I am happy that he has this outlet however, and its not about the money.

 

She

[[be...]]

She:

 

Just popped in to say I've got your back and can totally relate! My hubby was not retired but worked nights and he always hung around me asking this and that and this and that when I was trying me best to work! I had to finally put a lock of my office door.