Smothered SMOTHERED by a Retired Husband

[[Sh...]]

I feel so guilty for having these feelings and for even writing this down.

 

I have the kindest husband who has been very good to me for all our 40 years together.  Good provider, kind, very supportive through my entire benzo travail.  During his working years he was on the road a lot and I didn't mind this arrangement at all.  I like some alone time, I crave it and feel overwhelmed and deprived when I don't get it at all.  His company was sold in 2015 and he didn't survive the change in management, so decided to retire early, so he was suddenly home - ALL THE TIME.  That was in January 2015.

 

During the interim, we sold our big house, remodeled our retirement home, drastically downsized, and are now living in full retirement.

 

My sweet husband has no outside interests at all.  About the only time he leaves the  house is if I am with him, either for necessary errands or if I initiate social or entertainments like going to the movies, out to lunch etc.  I on the other hand, usually go out 1-2 times per week with my group of lady friends.  That's the only break I get.  Every move I make, every quirk of behavior, every  choice of attire, food, you name it, is observed and commented on while I am home.  I would love to have a few hours of alone time in my home now and then.  I have not been to the grocery store alone since he retired.  Everything that goes into my shopping cart is questioned and commented on.  Ditto for other shopping trips.  I walk my neighborhood every morning for exercise - but you guessed it - not alone.  Now, he does go for a hair cut once a month for an hour, and goes to some of his medical appointments alone, but he is quite healthy and they don't come around that often.

 

I love this man dearly.  He is sweet and eager and kind of lost now that he is retired.  We do a lot of things together that are enjoyable.  I make gentle suggestions that he needs to develop some interests that don't include me, but short of being a flame throwing bitch and driving him away by force, that won't work.

 

I feel so overwhelmed and smothered and then I feel guilty and feel even worse.  I would weep private tears if I had any private time.  I know this is a miniscule problem comparatively.  I am usually better at keeping it in perspective.

 

Okay rant over.  Maybe just venting here will make me feel better about it.  Now I'm going to go in the next room cause he is stilling here across from me asking what I am typing on my computer.  I told him I was posting to a forum complaining about him and he was sure it was a big joke.

 

:D :D :D

She

[[id...]]

It's rough On the one hand, I wish I had someone attentive while I'm going through the withdrawal now (I am separated and my husband was always too busy for me and trust me, I am not a needy person, but we went out together about once every 2 years, I am not exaggerating), but on the other hand, not having alone time at all sounds horrible!

[[Fl...]]

A buddy of mine is married to a woman who works long shifts away from home as a CNA, and works a second job in a restaurant so she is almost never home. She does a lot of things that drive him crazy (I wouldn't be able to tolerate a lot of it even in small doses, but that is a different story) but it seems to work for them, and I am guessing that this is only because she is never home. I have often wondered how it would work out if she was home more often, and I am guessing it would not work.

 

So I can understand where you are coming from. I am the kind of person that needs a lot of time alone to recharge so I know I would be the same way. Matter of fact I think part of the reason why I am still have a fair amount of agitatation is because I live with my retired mother, I do most of my work from home and she is home most of the time.

 

I think you are going to have to bring this to his attention. The problem isn't going to go away and if you don't address it. it is going to get worse. You don't want to grow to resent him for something that isn't his fault and could very likely be worked out. In my case I am going to be moving out soon so I just grit my teeth and deal with it. If I weren't going to be taking myself out of that situation I would absolutely have to make some kind of changes or it wouldn't be a good situation.

[[Sh...]]

It's rough On the one hand, I wish I had someone attentive while I'm going through the withdrawal now (I am separated and my husband was always too busy for me and trust me, I am not a needy person, but we went out together about once every 2 years, I am not exaggerating), but on the other hand, not having alone time at all sounds horrible!

 

Thank you for your reply ILV.  Yes, the extreme the other way is much worse isn't it?  I realize that and am hesitant to even talk about it. 

 

She

[Guest [Le...]]

Aww, dear She, I completely understand this torment.

 

I'm long-divorced, but one of my kids performed the observe-and-critique duties while she lived at home to finish college, and it was absolutely unbearable. Since I had to go out to the office, she got all of the alone-time, and I got to come home to eternal scrutiny.

 

I'm not sure how you'd handle such a delicate issue, but I certainly can understand how disturbing it is - many of us need alone time (I need a huge amount), just to remain sane under normal circumstances.

 

It would be great if he could find something outside of the home to fill his time, of course. I wish I could offer something more useful than validation, but please know that you're not alone in feeling this way.

   

[[Sh...]]

A buddy of mine is married to a woman who works long shifts away from home as a CNA, and works a second job in a restaurant so she is almost never home. She does a lot of things that drive him crazy (I wouldn't be able to tolerate a lot of it even in small doses, but that is a different story) but it seems to work for them, and I am guessing that this is only because she is never home. I have often wondered how it would work out if she was home more often, and I am guessing it would not work.

 

So I can understand where you are coming from. I am the kind of person that needs a lot of time alone to recharge so I know I would be the same way. Matter of fact I think part of the reason why I am still have a fair amount of agitatation is because I live with my retired mother, I do most of my work from home and she is home most of the time.

 

I think you are going to have to bring this to his attention. The problem isn't going to go away and if you don't address it. it is going to get worse. You don't want to grow to resent him for something that isn't his fault and could very likely be worked out. In my case I am going to be moving out soon so I just grit my teeth and deal with it. If I weren't going to be taking myself out of that situation I would absolutely have to make some kind of changes or it wouldn't be a good situation.

 

Thank you for your response Florida Guy.  I have brought this to his attention.  About a year ago, we had a long, and I thought, productive discussion about pursuing some separate interests.  He acknowledged that he had none and needed some and promised to work on it.    I talked at length about how I needed a bit of alone time, and he heard that.  It wasn't news to him anyway as I've always been like that.  Its as I said earlier, I would now have to ratchet up the ante and begin browbeating about the issue. 

 

I have tried altering my own behavior, but he seems to then change his to defeat it.  An example of this is that I started getting up an hour earlier.  I would enjoy having my first coffee in the front room, where it was peaceful and furthest away from our bedroom, and watch the sun come up and read a bit.  Well, he began to get up as soon as I did and join me.  Although I have told him I enjoy the alone time in the morning, but he seems oblivious and I cannot bring myself to yell "Get back in bed you moron!"

 

I just don't fully understand it, but he seems uneasy when I am out of pocket.  He doesn't seem to want me to be home alone, arranging his few outings to coincide when I am out with my lady friends.  I can't even articulate it fully, the feeling.

 

I am beginning to understand how couples, even very loving couples, begin to sleep in separate bedrooms.  Its not that they don't love each other, they are just starved of solitude and the sense of some separateness they need outside their coupled state.

 

Ah well.  Problems of a first world country. When we have overcome the threat of starvation, disease and annihilation, we find other things to create angst.

She

 

 

[[Sh...]]

Aww, dear She, I completely understand this torment.

 

I'm long-divorced, but one of my kids performed the observe-and-critique duties while she lived at home to finish college, and it was absolutely unbearable. Since I had to go out to the office, she got all of the alone-time, and I got to come home to eternal scrutiny.

 

I'm not sure how you'd handle such a delicate issue, but I certainly can understand how disturbing it is - many of us need alone time (I need a huge amount), just to remain sane under normal circumstances.

 

It would be great if he could find something outside of the home to fill his time, of course. I wish I could offer something more useful than validation, but please know that you're not alone in feeling this way.

   

 

Thank you Leslie Ash!  Validation is most of the answer! 

 

She

[[Gr...]]

My husband and I often are home together but doing our own things.  I guess I'm really grateful we can that.

[[Sh...]]

My husband and I often are home together but doing our own things.  I guess I'm really grateful we can that.

 

So glad this is the case for you Green Cup.

 

Here's the way that works for us.  I always have some sort of project or interest going.  I have 2 tropical fish aquariums I enjoy working with and maintaining.  I am a quilter and almost always have one under way.  I read voraciously.  I am right now doing a lengthy process of gathering all the extended family photos, organizing and digitizing them, ect.  I have herb and flower gardens and enjoy digging in the dirt.  I always have something going on. 

 

I am doing my own thing.  Husband is watching me do my thing but not doing one of his own.  He asks me questions, wants to help, not because he is personally interested but because he, well, wants to help in some way.  Kinda defeats me having my own interests.

 

I do get that he has not had the margin during his working life to pursue personal activities.  Now he is at a loss and I am at a loss too.

 

She

[[Fl...]]

I just don't fully understand it, but he seems uneasy when I am out of pocket.  He doesn't seem to want me to be home alone, arranging his few outings to coincide when I am out with my lady friends.  I can't even articulate it fully, the feeling.

 

Some people can't stand to be alone. I will never, ever understand that because I am almost 180 degrees the opposite but I guess it just part of human nature.

[[Sh...]]

I just don't fully understand it, but he seems uneasy when I am out of pocket.  He doesn't seem to want me to be home alone, arranging his few outings to coincide when I am out with my lady friends.  I can't even articulate it fully, the feeling.

 

Some people can't stand to be alone. I will never, ever understand that because I am almost 180 degrees the opposite but I guess it just part of human nature.

 

I am that way too Florida Guy.  My daughter can't stand to be alone.  100% extrovert, loves a crowd around and interactions happening all the time. I treasure time alone, time for pondering things, time to not have a face on for anyone else, time to recharge.  Its why I get so stressed when I don't have it, and I haven't had it for a very long time now.  But this too shall hopefully pass.

 

She

[[ly...]]

 

 

Wow She.  Such a difficult situation.  I absolutely have to be alone at times (many times).  My husband has always worked long hours and traveled a good deal.  I guess I'm lucky in that he has a lot of friends and is out of the house often.  It sounds like your husband needs to be with people and you are the only person in his life now.  I sure hope he can find some activities that interest him.  Is he shy about meeting people?  I think I would lock my husband out of the house if he hovered like that!

[[Sh...]]

Thank you for your response Lynn.  Yesterday was a low day for me in a lot of ways.  I went to bed determined today will be better.  I got up this morning with a new attitude, at least for now.  I feel better about this whole issue just by talking about it here on the forum.  I know a part of it is irritation like we all seem to deal with post benzos.  I am so far down the healing road, I have many positives in my life and I am grateful.

 

She

[[be...]]

She:

 

Sorry about that. I am like FG and need my space. My hubby worked nights and I worked day times out of my home. He was always asking me this and that and this and that. It drove me bonkers because I had work to do. I also cooked him his dinner every morning and told him "IT WILL ALWAYS BE WRAPPED IN TIN FOIL ON THE SECOND SHELF." Every single day he came to me when I was working and asked where dinner was. It drove me insane! I am now single and enjoy my life alone with my dogs. I do miss male company but I can get that easily. Right now I am happy to do what I want and not get pestered constantly. He was a momma's momma's boy and it showed. He had no outside interests and no friends. He would not even buy a tie unless I picked it out for him. May I suggest another serious sit down with him or perhaps couples therapy? I do know how maddening this can be...

[[Sh...]]

She:

 

Sorry about that. I am like FG and need my space. My hubby worked nights and I worked day times out of my home. He was always asking me this and that and this and that. It drove me bonkers because I had work to do. I also cooked him his dinner every morning and told him "IT WILL ALWAYS BE WRAPPED IN TIN FOIL ON THE SECOND SHELF." Every single day he came to me when I was working and asked where dinner was. It drove me insane! I am now single and enjoy my life alone with my dogs. I do miss male company but I can get that easily. Right now I am happy to do what I want and not get pestered constantly. He was a momma's momma's boy and it showed. He had no outside interests and no friends. He would not even buy a tie unless I picked it out for him. May I suggest another serious sit down with him or perhaps couples therapy? I do know how maddening this can be...

 

Benzogirl, putting up with a "mama's boy" as you describe would be challenging indeed.  My dear husband is not like that and he does plenty to add to the quality of our everyday lives.  Perhaps I am being naïve in expecting him to JUST GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and that might solve things.  For him to be different than he is would probably require a basic change in his personality and we know that isn't likely to happen, as it doesn't for any of us  I am working on acceptance.  Come to think of it, a bit like I worked on acceptance of the inescapable horror of withdrawal once I realized it wasn't going to go away anytime soon.  Not that I am likening my marriage to something as awful as benzo withdrawal!  LOL.  You can't change someone else, only yourself and your reaction to it.  There are plenty of wonderful things in my life and I am grateful, but venting, whining and moaning every once in a while is therapeutic.

 

She

[[be...]]

She:

 

I agree. You lasted this long with him so that's great. My X was different through our entire marriage. I think he's a keeper and one cannot change others like you said. Only yourself. The old Al-Anon mantra. I try to live by it but sometimes it's hard.

[[Gr...]]

Maybe you can buy him an Xbox?  Or a trial subscription to World of Warcraft?  LOL.  These seem to distract many men away from women.  LOL. 

[[be...]]

Yes, that's it. An XBox. No man can resist those games.

[[Sh...]]

Yes, that's it. An XBox. No man can resist those games.

 

 

My husband can.  He loathes video gaming.  We have a PS4 with all the hot games and it only comes out when our grandson comes to visit.  He will play with our grandson, but its purely for something they can share.  And another thing.  How would video gaming get him OUT OF THE HOUSE?  From what I hear, the serious gamers are worse than agoraphobics.  LOL.

 

XX

She

[[be...]]

Yes, that's it. An XBox. No man can resist those games.

 

 

My husband can.  He loathes video gaming.  We have a PS4 with all the hot games and it only comes out when our grandson comes to visit.  He will play with our grandson, but its purely for something they can share.  And another thing.  How would video gaming get him OUT OF THE HOUSE?  From what I hear, the serious gamers are worse than agoraphobics.  LOL.

 

XX

She

 

Yes they are. I once stayed at an airbnb and this one guy had the new Xbox and never left the house. He played with when he woke up until he went to bed. If there was a mobile version, it would be so much better, as they can play it at Starbucks. lol.

[Guest [ba...]]

Maybe you can buy him an Xbox?  Or a trial subscription to World of Warcraft?  LOL.  These seem to distract many men away from women.  LOL.

 

That's maybe a good idea.  Others might be a new dslr camera or a new fishing pole/boat or a woodworking project or my favorite - a telescope.  These hobbies often have local clubs where he can meet people.  Maybe a 'together' project where you sort a few pictures and he builds a custom wood cabinet to house them in.  Or mention his name to a few civic groups in town.

[Guest [ch...]]

You're a Smothered Mate!

 

(In chess there's a thing called smothered mate, it looks like this:

 

 

)

[[Sh...]]

You're a Smothered Mate!

 

(In chess there's a thing called smothered mate, it looks like this:

 

 

)

 

Amusing that there is really a "smothered mate" dynamic in the chess world.  I don't play chess but it looks like the king can't move away from the opposing knight because his own pieces have him "smothered" in the corner.  Interesting!

 

You have some great suggestions for hobbies and pastimes for my mate.  He does have fishing rods aplenty.  He does fish some - in our back yard, so technically isn't leaving the house.  The telescope might or might not be used, and he certainly wouldn't join any club in pursuit of anything.  Civic clubs need not call cause he just won't respond.  So yeah, I have a challenge cut out for me.  Well, its really for him to deal with because I can't be responsible for making him do what I think he needs to do.  Its an impasse I'm afraid.  So, acceptance.

 

She

[[Bo...]]

Sounds like you could try to set some boundaries. My friend writes her name on the calendar, on two or three days a month, as her days. She can choose not to speak to her partner all day, has no obligation to please anyone but herself. It keeps her same and it's scheduled in.

 

It also sounds like your husband has a codependency problem. There is a program called CoDa - aka Co-dependents Anonymous. It's a real problem!

 

My mom has a developmentally delayed 31 year old acting similarly except that my sister does have a few hobbies. Making a part of the house off-limits can help (if you don't have a spare room or closet, curtain off a corner of a room as your sacred personal space.

 

Basically you could practice stating your needs for time and space of our own as a crucial factor of your mental health.

 

Good luck!

[Guest [me...]]

  maybe this....

 

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:laugh: :laugh: