Anyone ever had a parent who couldn't take care of themselves?

[[dr...]]

My mother is almost 80, and lives alone in a condo. She has emphysema. She got the flu and ended up in hospital. She appears to be spindly and weak, and she's shaking a lot. She had been on 5 mg valium to sleep for a year. She told me that they stopped all meds when she checked in on the 19th but are resuming 2 1/2 mg valium tonight.

 

They're moving her from ICU to a normal room. And a nurse said she may be released in a day or two. I can't see it happening. I just realized I may have to learn a lot about this in a very short time. What are the options for care for someone in this position? You should know I haven't heard from a caseworker yet so maybe they will have the story.

 

Has anyone been through this? What are the options for care and what kind of things can you be covered for under a federal retirees insurance?

Thx

[[Fl...]]

Hello Drad,

 

I am caring for both my parent's.

 

My father is (89) on hospice with congestive heart failure, severe cervical and lumbar spinal stenosis. He in now in a wheel chair and I do most everything for him.

 

My mother is (80) and has Alzheimer's and blind in her left eye. She is getting worse.

 

Some things that I have put into place:

Home Health Care  (they come 2 times per week)

Occupational Therapy

Physical Therapy

 

Also Drad...your mom may qualify for Hospice. This does not mean she is eminent. What is does mean is there isn't much they can do for her and she would qualify for these services.

 

All of the services I've mentioned above are covered by Medicare, and free of charge to the patient.

 

I hope this helps?  If you have any questions...don't hesitate to ask.  I will be happy to help however I can.

 

Peace to you...I know just how frustrating and stressful this can be.

 

Fluter 

[[dr...]]

Hi and thanks for responding. If she is unable to care for herself or be alone overnight then are you saying that hospice or a rehab center are things you can do? And that both of these are covered by medicare? Are either of your parents living with you?

Thx

 

 

[[Fl...]]

Hi and thanks for responding. If she is unable to care for herself or be alone overnight then are you saying that hospice or a rehab center are things you can do? And that both of these are covered by medicare? Are either of your parents living with you?

Thx

Hi Drand,

 

Both of my parent's live with me.

 

I'm sorry Drad...I'm unsure if you live in the states?

 

If so, and income permitting...she could qualify for an in home provider (depending on her needs) and also, home health.

 

Home Health would come out 1 to 2 times per week and check on her. They will also take her vitals and you can call them at anytime you feel your mom needs to be seen.  Also, we have a visiting home physician. This has helped me tons. I no longer have to load them in the car and drive them to the doc.

 

Hospice also needs a qualifying diagnosis. If she met the criteria for this service...they will come out 7 days a week if need be. It pays for all medications (disease related med's), hospital bed, shower chair, transfer bench, walker, oxygen, bathers. Also, they will have the disease related medications delivered to you OR at least they should.

 

If you feel you mom is no longer able to live alone...you may need to start looking at a facility. This is so difficult. I've been there, and for me personally...(for now) I have made the decision to take care of my parent's.

 

I have no idea what your mother's level of income is. My mom had to go into a facility for 8 mths, and it was covered under her social security....she doesn't make much. While in the facility...she got all levels of rehab (OT, PT, Speech) also socializing. It was good for her; however, she wanted to come back to her own home...who can blame her.

 

PM me at anytime if you have more questions OR I will answer them here.

 

Best of luck to you and your mother. I know exactly how difficult this is.

 

Fluter

[[Bl...]]

Hi Drand,

 

Both of my parent's live with me.

 

I'm sorry Drad...I'm unsure if you live in the states?

 

If so, and income permitting...she could qualify for an in home provider (depending on her needs) and also, home health.

 

Home Health would come out 1 to 2 times per week and check on her. They will also take her vitals and you can call them at anytime you feel your mom needs to be seen.  Also, we have a visiting home physician. This has helped me tons. I no longer have to load them in the car and drive them to the doc.

 

Hospice also needs a qualifying diagnosis. If she met the criteria for this service...they will come out 7 days a week if need be. It pays for all medications (disease related med's), hospital bed, shower chair, transfer bench, walker, oxygen, bathers. Also, they will have the disease related medications delivered to you OR at least they should.

 

If you feel you mom is no longer able to live alone...you may need to start looking at a facility. This is so difficult. I've been there, and for me personally...(for now) I have made the decision to take care of my parent's.

 

I have no idea what your mother's level of income is. My mom had to go into a facility for 8 mths, and it was covered under her social security....she doesn't make much. While in the facility...she got all levels of rehab (OT, PT, Speech) also socializing. It was good for her; however, she wanted to come back to her own home...who can blame her.

 

PM me at anytime if you have more questions OR I will answer them here.

 

Best of luck to you and your mother. I know exactly how difficult this is.

 

Fluter

 

Just bookmarking...thanks Fluter for a well-thought-out/detailed response. How long have you been taking care of your parents? It must have its rewards, but challenging too?  Who of us doesn't want what's best for our parents...however, struggling with benzo w/d at the same time can make this situation an even greater challenge. Your parents must cherish you.

 

Drad Dog I hope for the best with your situation and I hope your mom begins to feel better....you must be a very loving son and your mom is fortunate to have you!

[[Bl...]]

I am so glad I was able to care for my elderly Mother at her home. It made her last years so much more comfortable and enjoyable for her. But I understand that not everybody is able to provide this due to having to work full time or financial constraints. If your state has Medicare, she may qualify for short term rehabilitation at a skilled nursing facility. If your state has medi-cal or sometimes called medicaid, she may qualify for that depending on monthly income and assets. If she does, it may pay for long term care at a skilled nursing facility as what is termed custodial care.

 

My heart goes out to you. Let us know how everything is going with placement for your Mom and how her health is.

 

Blue

 

 

[[be...]]

My mom's insurance company would not pay for a home health aid because I lived with her and had to take care of her. A daunting task. Now that I am gone, her insurance company will pay for a health aid for 40 hours per week. If she was lucky and signed up for long term insurance, then it would be paid for until she died. Also local community charity organizations can offer some help, like cooking, driving etc. Some places are willing to take Medicare, but from my visits to these places, they are dumps and patients there are polydrugged and just waiting to die. Quite sad, really. What ever happened when old people were respected?

[[Bl...]]

I hear you benzogirl. Our elderly deserve more than they get from the community, the state and federal government. Most of all, I think families need to be educated on how to take care of their elderly at home and be provided with the means to do so.

 

Blue

[[be...]]

Agreed, Blue!

[[Ph...]]

My mom's insurance company would not pay for a home health aid because I lived with her and had to take care of her. A daunting task. Now that I am gone, her insurance company will pay for a health aid for 40 hours per week. If she was lucky and signed up for long term insurance, then it would be paid for until she died. Also local community charity organizations can offer some help, like cooking, driving etc. Some places are willing to take Medicare, but from my visits to these places, they are dumps and patients there are polydrugged and just waiting to die. Quite sad, really. What ever happened when old people were respected?

<<Some places are willing to take Medicare, but from my visits to these places, they are dumps and patients there are polydrugged and just waiting to die. Quite sad, really. What ever happened when old people were respected?>>

 

We lost respect for those at the beginning of life and at the end of life.  At both ends of the spectrum, life is considered an irrelevant, disposable nuisance.  It's not just Western society.  I have strong connections to Chinese society, where respect for elders has been a foundation of society for a thousand years.  My Chinese friends tell me that the current generation of 50-somethings will be the last that will care for their parents.  Their values and traditions have also been wrecked - first by communism and then by rampant, selfish materialism.

 

[[Ph...]]

I hear you benzogirl. Our elderly deserve more than they get from the community, the state and federal government. Most of all, I think families need to be educated on how to take care of their elderly at home and be provided with the means to do so.

 

Blue

<<I hear you benzogirl. Our elderly deserve more than they get from the community, the state and federal government. Most of all, I think families need to be educated on how to take care of their elderly at home and be provided with the means to do so.>>

 

This expectation that big daddy government must provide us with the means to do what families have done on their own for hundreds of years is at the root of our problem.  There's nothing so complicated about this that someone needs to educate us.  You talk to them, you encourage them, you feed them, you help them bathe and change, you change their bedding, you give them their medications, and when it's time for them to die, you treat them with respect.  These people brought us into this world and raised us without complaint.  Now it's our turn.  Step up.  This isn't government's job.  It's our job.

 

[[dr...]]

It's a two way street. Parents not stepping up and being decent parents is a bigger problem than even this. And people can wind up on meds, and unable to even imagine taking care of someone else.(BG- I am in awe of your ability to have done this at all. Probably you did need to move though) And so a cycle is created.

 

Nobody calls anyone out in public over being a lunatic idiotic narcissistic parent. (It happens but I'd vouchsafe that most people would say it didn't happen for them) On the contrary as a child you are a prisoner of the coercion and backslapping and gladhanding that adults do while they are ignoring you and your and their own feelings and baggage. 

 

Where else do these things come from?

 

 

[[be...]]

It's a two way street. Parents not stepping up and being decent parents is a bigger problem than even this. And people can wind up on meds, and unable to even imagine taking care of someone else.(BG- I am in awe of your ability to have done this at all. Probably you did need to move though) And so a cycle is created.

 

Nobody calls anyone out in public over being a lunatic idiotic narcissistic parent. (It happens but I'd vouchsafe that most people would say it didn't happen for them) On the contrary as a child you are a prisoner of the coercion and backslapping and gladhanding that adults do while they are ignoring you and your and their own feelings and baggage. 

 

Where else do these things come from?

 

Drad: It was difficult because I have three brothers who did not help at all or even visit. But I was healthy and children SHOULD be prepared to take care of our parents, as they took care of us. And I did move to another state last October. Now I am finally at peace. Just came back from visiting mom again......But she misses me so badly.

[[Bl...]]

I took care of my Mom the past 3 years in her own home. We, as a family wanted her to have the best quality of life possible in her elder years. She passed away this February at home. She was 98 years old and I do not regret taking care of her. She was not the best at being a mother, but she tried and I have forgiven her for her mistakes.

 

Blue

[[dr...]]

It's a two way street. Parents not stepping up and being decent parents is a bigger problem than even this. And people can wind up on meds, and unable to even imagine taking care of someone else.(BG- I am in awe of your ability to have done this at all. Probably you did need to move though) And so a cycle is created.

 

Nobody calls anyone out in public over being a lunatic idiotic narcissistic parent. (It happens but I'd vouchsafe that most people would say it didn't happen for them) On the contrary as a child you are a prisoner of the coercion and backslapping and gladhanding that adults do while they are ignoring you and your and their own feelings and baggage. 

 

Where else do these things come from?

 

Drad: It was difficult because I have three brothers who did not help at all or even visit. But I was healthy and children SHOULD be prepared to take care of our parents, as they took care of us. And I did move to another state last October. Now I am finally at peace. Just came back from visiting mom again......But she misses me so badly.

 

Still doing that while tapering has to be considered a monumental task. I'm sure there are a lot of conflicted feelings and it's tough.

 

I just took my Mom up to visit her sister for a couple of weeks. I had to take 6 large tanks of oxygen...I won't even go on. It's medical industry absurdity anyway. I'm very down on my family experiences now. Every memory is a bad dream. I lost it completely and feel like my childhood was (Because my parents were both para-connected with mental health), basically Drad puppy Vs the mental health community.  Ha. Some things never change do they?

[[Ph...]]

I took care of my Mom the past 3 years in her own home. We, as a family wanted her to have the best quality of life possible in her elder years. She passed away this February at home. She was 98 years old and I do not regret taking care of her. She was not the best at being a mother, but she tried and I have forgiven her for her mistakes.

 

Blue

Very nice post.