Love and Support for Bluebell

[[Fl...]]

BlueBell,

 

It's been a few days.

 

How are you?

How is everything going with the estate?

 

I'm thinking about you 

 

Hugs...Fluter 

[[Bl...]]

BlueBell,

 

It's been a few days.

 

How are you?

How is everything going with the estate?

 

I'm thinking about you 

 

Hugs...Fluter 

 

I am okay Fluter. Packing some of Mom's belongings has been difficult, but doable.

How are things for you?

 

Blue 

[[Fl...]]

BlueBell,

 

It's been a few days.

 

How are you?

How is everything going with the estate?

 

I'm thinking about you 

 

Hugs...Fluter 

 

I am okay Fluter. Packing some of Mom's belongings has been difficult, but doable.

How are things for you?

 

Blue 

I'm so glad to hear from you.

I know packing up things is NOT easy and won't be.

Just take your time.

 

I've been trying to walk.

I will cut tomorrow.

Today my daughter's friend came over, and I kept her 2mth old daughter. She was a premature, and just now weighs 8lbs 9oz. Blue she is so tiny, and adorable. I held her for 3 hrs. Than we  laid in my bed. She slept almost the entire time. It felt nice.

 

I hope your Sunday evening has gone well. I can't find anything on TV...so, I have been coloring I have some awesome map pencils, and I'm coloring an ornate elephant

 

Fluter 

 

P.S. I think my daughter and I may try Pilates.

[[Bl...]]

BlueBell,

 

It's been a few days.

 

How are you?

How is everything going with the estate?

 

I'm thinking about you 

 

Hugs...Fluter 

 

I am okay Fluter. Packing some of Mom's belongings has been difficult, but doable.

How are things for you?

 

Blue 

I'm so glad to hear from you.

I know packing up things is NOT easy and won't be.

Just take your time.

 

I've been trying to walk.

I will cut tomorrow.

Today my daughter's friend came over, and I kept her 2mth old daughter. She was a premature, and just now weighs 8lbs 9oz. Blue she is so tiny, and adorable. I held her for 3 hrs. Than we  laid in my bed. She slept almost the entire time. It felt nice.

 

I hope your Sunday evening has gone well. I can't find anything on TV...so, I have been coloring I have some awesome map pencils, and I'm coloring an ornate elephant

 

Fluter 

 

P.S. I think my daughter and I may try Pilates.

Walking is good. I try to walk every day, do yoga at least 2 times a week and I was thinking of joining Simply Barre classes. I thought of Pilates, but the machines look so awkward. But I have spoken to people who do go to Pilates and love the workouts and the results. I hope you and your daughter start. Not only will you get exercise and stress relief, it will also be a bonding experience for you and your daughter.

 

Love you always,

 

Blue

[[Bl...]]

I found a piece of paper with my cell phone # that I had written for my Mom in case she needed me whenever I had to step out. It caused a flood of tears. She mostly used it when I was gone longer than she expected and she would be worried about me. Such a small thing to cause such an emotional reaction.

 

Blue

[[Bl...]]

http://www.tumblr18.com/t18/2014/03/Lovely-spring-garden.jpg

 

 

Bluebell

[[Fl...]]

I found a piece of paper with my cell phone # that I had written for my Mom in case she needed me whenever I had to step out. It caused a flood of tears. She mostly used it when I was gone longer than she expected and she would be worried about me. Such a small thing to cause such an emotional reaction.

 

Blue

It's understandable Blue.

After Mark died...I was changing the sheets on the bed, and this thought swept over me "I'm not going to see him again" and I started crying and crying.

It's normal

Hugs 

[[Bl...]]

It was a hard day today, harder than I expected. The VA came and picked up Mom's clothes, shoes, blankets, sheets and eye glasses. I was fine until the guy left. I still feel like shit. I hate that she is gone so much. But there is nothing I can do about it. So much is changing, and right now the changes are not good. I want to be positive and see this as an opportunity for growth. But it is too hard today. I swear, I am not trying to draw this out so that I can get attention or wallow in self pity. I would give anything to feel okay.  Some days I do. But not today.

When I became my Mom's caregiver, I remember thinking, I have got to draw back and distance myself. But I could not. That is not who I am.  So now I hurt. It is my own damned fault!

 

Bluebell

[[be...]]

Bluebell, I have not posted in a while, but I have been reading, I know how you are feeling about giving your Mom's belongings as I told you before it took me over a year to break down her room and pack her belongings, it had to be one of the hardest things I did and yes I felt so bad and it took me a while to accept. Losing a loved one, especially when you are the Prime Care giver is hard, no one knows unless they have walked in your shoes. Do what you can when you can, you are new in your Grief and I know for sure it takes Time a lot of time, but please know it will get better. Be good to you and know that many are thinking of you. You did not do anything wrong and do not hate yourself, you gave your Mother wonderful care as most of us would who Loves their Parents, take your time to Heal. Peace be Yours.

[[Fl...]]

It was a hard day today, harder than I expected. The VA came and picked up Mom's clothes, shoes, blankets, sheets and eye glasses. I was fine until the guy left. I still feel like shit. I hate that she is gone so much. But there is nothing I can do about it. So much is changing, and right now the changes are not good. I want to be positive and see this as an opportunity for growth. But it is too hard today. I swear, I am not trying to draw this out so that I can get attention or wallow in self pity. I would give anything to feel okay.  Some days I do. But not today.

When I became my Mom's caregiver, I remember thinking, I have got to draw back and distance myself. But I could not. That is not who I am.  So now I hurt. It is my own damned fault!

 

Bluebell

 

Blue...

I'm sorry that you  are hurting. There is not one thing I could say or do that would stop that hurt.

I hate it that for one second you think that anyone would feel you were trying to draw this out or get attention from what you are going through.

You hurt...because you Love! You wouldn't want it any other way...right Blue?  I know I wouldn't.

My Friend...ease up on yourself. Look at who you really are and exactly what all you have done, and how many years you did it. I see you BlueSki...kind, compassionate, caring, loving, daughter, helper, caregiver, friend, and I have no doubt so much more.

Allow yourself your feelings...they are there for a reason. It is not for anyone else to make sense of, and for a while...you will not make sense of this either. All you know is...you hurt, and that's ok. It's painful, and you can't avoid the pain. I think you are doing a dang good job. I am very proud of you.

I think about you every day.

Sending you Friendship...along with some warm comforting hugs...you need them!

Your Fluter Friend...Me 

 

[[Bl...]]

Thank you begood and Fluter. I am in tears again. My back and legs ache and I have a headache. This sucks! But your kind, understanding words help. They also takes away the guilt I am having about not "pulling myself up by the boot straps" and getting on with it. I love you both.

 

Bluebell

[[Bl...]]

It is amazing what a warm soak in the tub with Epsom salts and Aspercream to the back does for the body and soul. I am so grateful to be feeling better.

 

Bluebell

[[Bl...]]

It is amazing what a warm soak in the tub with Epsom salts and Aspercream to the back does for the body and soul. I am so grateful to be feeling better.

 

Bluebell

Well that did not last long.

Tonight my goal is to sleep in the bed. I have been falling asleep on the couch with the TV on until 2-4 AM every night except one  since my Mom passed.

http://www.allgraphics123.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Sweet-Dreams-Sleep-Tight-Good-Night-540x451.jpg

[[Fl...]]

It is amazing what a warm soak in the tub with Epsom salts and Aspercream to the back does for the body and soul. I am so grateful to be feeling better.

 

Bluebell

 

Feeling better for a bit is a good thing. Pretty soon those bits will all come together to make a full day

I need to get a new bag of Epsom Salts, and maybe soak in a tub of Aspercream  I feel like I've been hit by a Semi. Dang taper.

Aww Blue, mom came home yesterday without her brand new glasses. My goodness, we just got them for her. She's maybe had them 2 weeks. I sure hope someone at the community center picked them up and turned them into the office.

I sleep on the couch many a night. It's my safe comfortable spot, and I fall asleep with the TV on every night. I have the volume SUPER LOW...in fact, I can barely hear it. It drowns out the quiet. I've been doing it for 36yrs So, I say...whatever works...keep it up.

I hope you slept? I only got 3 hrs, and I look like this                  I shall try NOT to look in the mirror today  ;) I don't need any bad luck. 

I hope you have a peaceful day my friend...

Love you BlueSki...Fluter 

[[Bl...]]

Fluter

I managed to sleep in my bed, but it took me awhile to fall asleep. I worked so hard during the end of my taper and afterwards to develop good sleep habits and I was successful. I felt physically better.  But I went back to my old ways after Mom passed. Now I have to start all over. At least it is a goal I can work towards during this time of what I call "self care".

 

I bet they have your Mom's glasses at the center. It probably happens all the time. I suggest putting her name on them if you haven't already.

 

Love you Fluter

 

Blue

[[Bl...]]

http://www.tumblr18.com/t18/2016/04/Cute-morning-graphic.gif

 

Blue

[[Bl...]]

I am doing okay at this moment. I am about to leave and take a friend out for her birthday. I am concerned though because we chose the same restaurant that our family took Mom out to on her birthday. What would be cool would be to feel her there in spirit.

 

Blue

[[Fl...]]

I am doing okay at this moment. I am about to leave and take a friend out for her birthday. I am concerned though because we chose the same restaurant that our family took Mom out to on her birthday. What would be cool would be to feel her there in spirit.

 

Blue

Blue,

I think you already are feeling her in spirit...as you were thinking of her when you wrote this.

Hugs...

Fluter 

[[Bl...]]

I am doing okay at this moment. I am about to leave and take a friend out for her birthday. I am concerned though because we chose the same restaurant that our family took Mom out to on her birthday. What would be cool would be to feel her there in spirit.

 

Blue

Blue,

I think you already are feeling her in spirit...as you were thinking of her when you wrote this.

Hugs...

Fluter 

Sending warm, comforting hugs back to you

 

Blue

[[Bl...]]

I am sad and tearful today. I was going through my Mom's desk and came upon a slide she had kept of my brother and me when we were in grade school. I miss her so much sometimes, that it feels unbearable.

 

Blue

[[Fl...]]

I am sad and tearful today. I was going through my Mom's desk and came upon a slide she had kept of my brother and me when we were in grade school. I miss her so much sometimes, that it feels unbearable.

 

Blue

Blue,

It's so understandable that you feel this way. At this time...Anything and Everything is a reminder.

After Mark passed away...I couldn't listen to music (one of my favorite things) because it all reminded me of him.

You will probably be amazed at the things you might find. Things that were important to your mom. Although, my dad is still here...I was cleaning out his closet, and found all my daughter's jazz shoes, and a box full of trinkets that he has kept since we were all born. Just goes to show how much we are loved (even if your mom didn't say it) she felt it.

I'm sorry you are sad.

I'm thinking about you 

Fluter 

[[be...]]

Blue, yes it is sad looking at our Loved ones things, but I know someone that did not have a Mother like we did, and she has nothing, she knows there is someone out there and her adopted Mother was mean to her, but you know what she has prevailed, but I see the sadness in her eyes. So yes it is really sad and I cried so much when I have something of hers in my hand. She used to have this pink and white knit cap my Niece made for her and she wore it in the winter in the house. I saved that and for the longest time I could still smell the peppermints and her smell, but sadly it has left, but I still at times pull that hat out and smell it and hold it and  :'( but not sad tears, finally tears of Joy because I had a wonderful Mother. Your grief is still so new, be kind to you and do some special things just for you and yes look at the memories, it will not hurt this much forever. Hi Flutter. :smitten:

[[Bl...]]

I am sad and tearful today. I was going through my Mom's desk and came upon a slide she had kept of my brother and me when we were in grade school. I miss her so much sometimes, that it feels unbearable.

 

Blue

Blue,

It's so understandable that you feel this way. At this time...Anything and Everything is a reminder.

After Mark passed away...I couldn't listen to music (one of my favorite things) because it all reminded me of him.

You will probably be amazed at the things you might find. Things that were important to your mom. Although, my dad is still here...I was cleaning out his closet, and found all my daughter's jazz shoes, and a box full of trinkets that he has kept since we were all born. Just goes to show how much we are loved (even if your mom didn't say it) she felt it.

I'm sorry you are sad.

I'm thinking about you 

Fluter 

I am just now learning now much my Mom loved me and all her children. I wish she had been able to express what was in her heart when she was alive. I would have loved a few hugs and a lot of "I love you. You are special". But that generation usually was not demonstrative. But she showed me today how she felt. She had kept a box full of blown out Easter eggs we had made as children. Most of them were not very pretty, but that was not what mattered to her. What mattered was us, her kids.

 

I can only imagine how painful it was to lose Mark.  I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Blue

[[Fl...]]

I am sad and tearful today. I was going through my Mom's desk and came upon a slide she had kept of my brother and me when we were in grade school. I miss her so much sometimes, that it feels unbearable.

 

Blue

Blue,

It's so understandable that you feel this way. At this time...Anything and Everything is a reminder.

After Mark passed away...I couldn't listen to music (one of my favorite things) because it all reminded me of him.

You will probably be amazed at the things you might find. Things that were important to your mom. Although, my dad is still here...I was cleaning out his closet, and found all my daughter's jazz shoes, and a box full of trinkets that he has kept since we were all born. Just goes to show how much we are loved (even if your mom didn't say it) she felt it.

I'm sorry you are sad.

I'm thinking about you 

Fluter 

I am just now learning now much my Mom loved me and all her children. I wish she had been able to express what was in her heart when she was alive. I would have loved a few hugs and a lot of "I love you. You are special". But that generation usually was not demonstrative. But she showed me today how she felt. She had kept a box full of blown out Easter eggs we had made as children. Most of them were not very pretty, but that was not what mattered to her. What mattered was us, her kids.

 

I can only imagine how painful it was to lose Mark.  I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Blue

Mornin BlueSki,

Boy, do I hear you on this. My mom was capable at times of showing love; however, it's like she would give it in one breath and take it away in the next.

One thing that I have learned over time...I know my mom loves me Blue. Also, she loves the way she was loved. And, in saying this...she did a better job than what was done to her.

My mom was raised by 2 alcoholic parents. He father NEVER told her he loved her. He was abusive. Most didn't even know he had a daughter; however, they sure knew he had a Golden Boy Football playing son. I try and think about what my mom may have gone thru, and I try to understand why she is how she is.

Honestly...at times, it doesn't lessen the blow.

We all want/need to be loved. My mom can NEVER be loved enough. She has had expectations ALL of my life that I will be her dotting daughter, friend, fixer, companion, caregiver.

I will just leave it at that...before I go off into a wordy rant WE don't need that. I think you get the idea.

I will say this...not one day has gone by that I don't tell my daughter's they are loved, and beautiful. I feel it...so I say it. My daughters are the most AMAZING gifts I've ever received.

 

Blue...know that you were loved. I know it is not the way you would have liked it...just the only way your mom knew how. I am not making an excuse for her.

 

I know you to be KIND, COMPASSIONATE, GIVING, LOVING, CARING, YOU are BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

 

I am sharing this song with YOU...it makes me think of my mother. It is not meant to make you sad. It is meant to maybe let you see...how your mom may have felt. She loved you...the only way she knew how.  YOU know Blue...WE are/were our Mother's Friend!

 

I hope this day brings you PEACE...You are indeed Loved!

Fluter 

 

[[Bl...]]

Blue, yes it is sad looking at our Loved ones things, but I know someone that did not have a Mother like we did, and she has nothing, she knows there is someone out there and her adopted Mother was mean to her, but you know what she has prevailed, but I see the sadness in her eyes. So yes it is really sad and I cried so much when I have something of hers in my hand. She used to have this pink and white knit cap my Niece made for her and she wore it in the winter in the house. I saved that and for the longest time I could still smell the peppermints and her smell, but sadly it has left, but I still at times pull that hat out and smell it and hold it and  :'( but not sad tears, finally tears of Joy because I had a wonderful Mother. Your grief is still so new, be kind to you and do some special things just for you and yes look at the memories, it will not hurt this much forever. Hi Flutter. :smitten:

Yes begood, we were both blessed to have a mother that loved us. I will carry mine in my heart forever. I pray that I see her again someday. I pray that all the burdens she carried in life are all now gone, and that she is free of pain and suffering. I pray that the love she had for me and others fills her and it brings her contentment, happiness and peace. I pray that she now knows how much she is loved and that she is perfect just as she is.

 

I am going on faith that it will not hurt this much forever. I am going to try and not put a time on how long I will grieve her loss.

 

Begood and Fluter

 

Let me add that I am so grateful for the support and friendship both you and Fluter have given me. You both have lifted me up and carried me through this difficult time when I have needed it.

 

Love you

 

Blue