Love and Support for Bluebell

[[Bl...]]

I am sad and tearful today. I was going through my Mom's desk and came upon a slide she had kept of my brother and me when we were in grade school. I miss her so much sometimes, that it feels unbearable.

 

Blue

Blue,

It's so understandable that you feel this way. At this time...Anything and Everything is a reminder.

After Mark passed away...I couldn't listen to music (one of my favorite things) because it all reminded me of him.

You will probably be amazed at the things you might find. Things that were important to your mom. Although, my dad is still here...I was cleaning out his closet, and found all my daughter's jazz shoes, and a box full of trinkets that he has kept since we were all born. Just goes to show how much we are loved (even if your mom didn't say it) she felt it.

I'm sorry you are sad.

I'm thinking about you 

Fluter 

I am just now learning now much my Mom loved me and all her children. I wish she had been able to express what was in her heart when she was alive. I would have loved a few hugs and a lot of "I love you. You are special". But that generation usually was not demonstrative. But she showed me today how she felt. She had kept a box full of blown out Easter eggs we had made as children. Most of them were not very pretty, but that was not what mattered to her. What mattered was us, her kids.

 

I can only imagine how painful it was to lose Mark.  I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Blue

Mornin BlueSki,

Boy, do I hear you on this. My mom was capable at times of showing love; however, it's like she would give it in one breath and take it away in the next.

One thing that I have learned over time...I know my mom loves me Blue. Also, she loves the way she was loved. And, in saying this...she did a better job than what was done to her.

My mom was raised by 2 alcoholic parents. He father NEVER told her he loved her. He was abusive. Most didn't even know he had a daughter; however, they sure knew he had a Golden Boy Football playing son. I try and think about what my mom may have gone thru, and I try to understand why she is how she is.

Honestly...at times, it doesn't lessen the blow.

We all want/need to be loved. My mom can NEVER be loved enough. She has had expectations ALL of my life that I will be her dotting daughter, friend, fixer, companion, caregiver.

I will just leave it at that...before I go off into a wordy rant WE don't need that. I think you get the idea.

I will say this...not one day has gone by that I don't tell my daughter's they are loved, and beautiful. I feel it...so I say it. My daughters are the most AMAZING gifts I've ever received.

 

Blue...know that you were loved. I know it is not the way you would have liked it...just the only way your mom knew how. I am not making an excuse for her.

 

I know you to be KIND, COMPASSIONATE, GIVING, LOVING, CARING, YOU are BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

 

I am sharing this song with YOU...it makes me think of my mother. It is not meant to make you sad. It is meant to maybe let you see...how your mom may have felt. She loved you...the only way she knew how.  YOU know Blue...WE are/were our Mother's Friend!

 

I hope this day brings you PEACE...You are indeed Loved!

Fluter 

 

Such a meaningful and beautiful song. Thank you Fluter. My mother carried burdens of her past with her always even if she was not aware of them. It prevented her from being the person she was meant to be. I forgive her for all her flaws. It was not her fault. I find peace in knowing she did the best she could. Yes, I still have anger that she could not give more. But most days it is okay. Like I told begood, I pray she is at peace now and really knows she is loved.

 

Blue

[[Fl...]]

Hiya BlueSki,

 

I'm thinking about you 

 

I hope you have a nice day 

 

Fluter 

[[Bl...]]

Fluter

 

Thank you. It was a rough, emotional day yesterday going through some of Mom's things with family and watching them get packed up and go to a new home. But I am glad they will stay in the family and that they will be taken care of.

 

Blue

[[Bl...]]

Though my head knows my Mother's passing was not my fault, my heart says differently. It is hard to deal with the thoughts of "If I had only done this or not have done that", she would still be alive today.

It is also hard not playing her last moments in my head and wonder what she went through. She did not seems to be in any pain but her last words were "I can't breath". That really hurts. But she passed just a few minutes later, so I hope she was not afraid or struggling very long.

In a perfect world, she would have spoken the words, "Even in death, I will love and be with you always". But this is not a perfect world. But at least I was there with her holding her hand, telling it was okay to go and I loved her."

What I am saying is sad. But this is what I am living through right now. It seems important that I share my experiences with others. Maybe some can relate. Maybe some want to hide. Maybe some can learn from it. Maybe some do not feel anything at all. But here it is.

 

Blue

 

[[Fl...]]

Though my head knows my Mother's passing was not my fault, my heart says differently. It is hard to deal with the thoughts of "If I had only done this or not have done that", she would still be alive today.

It is also hard not playing her last moments in my head and wonder what she went through. She did not seems to be in any pain but her last words were "I can't breath". That really hurts. But she passed just a few minutes later, so I hope she was not afraid or struggling very long.

In a perfect world, she would have spoken the words, "Even in death, I will love and be with you always". But this is not a perfect world. But at least I was there with her holding her hand, telling it was okay to go and I loved her."

What I am saying is sad. But this is what I am living through right now. It seems important that I share my experiences with others. Maybe some can relate. Maybe some want to hide. Maybe some can learn from it. Maybe some do not feel anything at all. But here it is.

 

Blue

Blue...

I understand what you are saying and the tremendous pain it is causing you.

The what if's are terrible.

This is your brains way of trying to process.

Heartfelt hugs to you,

Fluter 

[[Bl...]]

Though my head knows my Mother's passing was not my fault, my heart says differently. It is hard to deal with the thoughts of "If I had only done this or not have done that", she would still be alive today.

It is also hard not playing her last moments in my head and wonder what she went through. She did not seems to be in any pain but her last words were "I can't breath". That really hurts. But she passed just a few minutes later, so I hope she was not afraid or struggling very long.

In a perfect world, she would have spoken the words, "Even in death, I will love and be with you always". But this is not a perfect world. But at least I was there with her holding her hand, telling it was okay to go and I loved her."

What I am saying is sad. But this is what I am living through right now. It seems important that I share my experiences with others. Maybe some can relate. Maybe some want to hide. Maybe some can learn from it. Maybe some do not feel anything at all. But here it is.

 

Blue

Blue...

I understand what you are saying and the tremendous pain it is causing you.

The what if's are terrible.

This is your brains way of trying to process.

Heartfelt hugs to you,

Fluter 

Today is the first time I have allowed myself to fully go through this part of her death. As I was doing so, I realized I really put a lot of effort into getting my Mom what she needed the last 2 days of her life to make sure she was comfortable. I also informed the rest of our family that if they wanted to spend some time with her, they should come the day she was to come home from the hospital. I am glad I did, because she died the next late afternoon.

 

Thank you for your support Fluter. This grieving is a long process for me. But you and begood have been through it. Because of you both, I am keeping the faith that I will get through it and be okay. One thing that I think will never stop is I will always miss her and I will always wish she was still here.

 

Love and hugs,

 

Blue

 

[[be...]]

Bluebell, you know I think we do go through stages when a Loved one passes on, just like those who are told they have a short time to live, the stages are one and the same. Just hearing how you cared for you Mother brings back how I felt those last few days of her life, I knew she was going and I think she did also. I took time off from my job and sat by her bed each day and we talked, but honestly she mainly did the talking and it was with a clear head. She shared many things with me, about her youth and how she had been so disappointed that her Father would not pay for her supplies to go to Art School one summer, she had won it by having the best art work, but he denied her, but she spoke about how she still had Art in her life. She told me which Beau's she liked and why that I had gone out with and so much more in those last days. So we chatted laughed and yes cried, but we were one together and I so cherish that time together.

 

I had always been with all of my family's side when they passed on, and My Mother was not going to be any different. I knew the day she would leave because she was so thirsty and keep drinking cold water so much water but I gave it to her and we still talked that day, but she kept telling me to go home and rest, and I just sat there and held her hand, turned her kissed her cheeks and cried in the bathroom. My sister came in the evening and she stayed for a while, but she kept insisting I leave and go home and rest, I said no, but my Mother looked at me and held my hand and said Please go rest I will be OK, I Love you and I know you need to rest. So I left, I was home and just had come out of the shower and received the call that My Sweet Mother had passed....I was so sad, and feel liked I failed her, but in time I realized that she was not going to be carried to Heaven by her Angels until I left and she was just not going to let me see her pass. She only lasted 15 minutes after I left so now I realize that all day she was ready, but she knew I was not, but finally I left and she was ready..... :'(

 

The next morning at 4:45am I woke up and she was standing by my bed and smiling and had a glow around her and had her favorite dress and sweater on, and after she left I felt like something else was in the room, and I looked at the bottom of my bed and about 7 women in different styles of clothes stood together with a glow around them and I felt such Peace. Not only did My Mother visit me but she brought Angels also. I feel so blessed for that. I did not intend for this to be so long, but I think somehow I needed for you and Flutter to know a bit of my Journey with My Mother.

[[Bl...]]

Bluebell, you know I think we do go through stages when a Loved one passes on, just like those who are told they have a short time to live, the stages are one and the same. Just hearing how you cared for you Mother brings back how I felt those last few days of her life, I knew she was going and I think she did also. I took time off from my job and sat by her bed each day and we talked, but honestly she mainly did the talking and it was with a clear head. She shared many things with me, about her youth and how she had been so disappointed that her Father would not pay for her supplies to go to Art School one summer, she had won it by having the best art work, but he denied her, but she spoke about how she still had Art in her life. She told me which Beau's she liked and why that I had gone out with and so much more in those last days. So we chatted laughed and yes cried, but we were one together and I so cherish that time together.

 

I had always been with all of my family's side when they passed on, and My Mother was not going to be any different. I knew the day she would leave because she was so thirsty and keep drinking cold water so much water but I gave it to her and we still talked that day, but she kept telling me to go home and rest, and I just sat there and held her hand, turned her kissed her cheeks and cried in the bathroom. My sister came in the evening and she stayed for a while, but she kept insisting I leave and go home and rest, I said no, but my Mother looked at me and held my hand and said Please go rest I will be OK, I Love you and I know you need to rest. So I left, I was home and just had come out of the shower and received the call that My Sweet Mother had passed....I was so sad, and feel liked I failed her, but in time I realized that she was not going to be carried to Heaven by her Angels until I left and she was just not going to let me see her pass. She only lasted 15 minutes after I left so now I realize that all day she was ready, but she knew I was not, but finally I left and she was ready..... :'(

 

The next morning at 4:45am I woke up and she was standing by my bed and smiling and had a glow around her and had her favorite dress and sweater on, and after she left I felt like something else was in the room, and I looked at the bottom of my bed and about 7 women in different styles of clothes stood together with a glow around them and I felt such Peace. Not only did My Mother visit me but she brought Angels also. I feel so blessed for that. I did not intend for this to be so long, but I think somehow I needed for you and Flutter to know a bit of my Journey with My Mother.

What a wonderful gift your Mom gave to you. I can feel her love for you in your words. Thank you for sharing your last few days with her.

 

Blue

[[Fl...]]

Hi Blue...

 

It's been a few days.

 

Just checking in.

 

How are you?

 

I'm thinking of you 

 

FB 

[[Bl...]]

Hi Blue...

 

It's been a few days.

 

Just checking in.

 

How are you?

 

I'm thinking of you 

 

FB 

I am not crying every morning like I have been, so my grief is not so overwhelming.  But the tears and sense of loss are easily triggered.  All someone has to say is "I am sorry for your loss".  Another thing that brings the tears is when someone really seems to care about what I am going through. I am not sure why that is, but I do not think it is a bad thing.

My back has been bothering me quite a bit.  In a way, that is not all that terrible because it gives me something else to focus on besides Mom's death. I have been going to a chiropractor twice a week, getting deep tissue massages and wearing a back brace. I really have felt improvement over the past 2 days which is a relief.

 

How are you?

 

Love and hugs 

 

Blue

 

[[Bl...]]

It is not a good day for me. I received Mom's disabled placard in the mail. When I looked it up online, the DMV wants it back plus her ID card. Having to do that started the acute sense of loss again. I am in tears.

I have been going along fairly calmly with no major emotional upsets. I was thinking I was learning to accept her death. Maybe that is so. But not today. Today I want her back. I want things to be the way they used to be. I miss her.

 

Blue

[[Bl...]]

Hi

I have not been here in awhile. I just want to say that my grief over the loss of my Mom is much more bareable. I still miss her and always will, but I can feel myself starting to move on with my life. I know she would want me to be kind to others and animals. She would want me to be content with myself as I am but also strive to set personal and financial goals and work towards them. So that is what I am going to do, not only for her but for myself.

 

Thank you to those who started this thread and those that supported me. If there are others that have had a loss of a loved one, please feel free to come here and talk about it. It does help.

 

Love and hugs

 

Blue

[[be...]]

Bluebell, so happy to hear things are a bit easier for you, you have a good plan in place, and while time has passed, so does some of the heaviness, the thing I had to remember was that my Family and Friends thought it was time for for me to move on, but this was my grief and I had to feel the feelings and yes in time they lessened. The memories of good and bad will always be there, but you also can move forward and know that you did your very best to Make your Mothers Live a bit better. You have no regrets, regrets are hard to have, but you have none.

 

Best to you and as a Mothers Daughter, she will always have a place in your Heart and she is near, just smell the breeze and the whispers of kisses on your face, she is still Your Beloved Mother and she will let you know in special little ways. It has been good for me to reach out to you, it shows me how far I have come, but not so far that she is just a memory. Thank you for sharing parts of yourself during a difficult time. Stay Strong and Soar...

[[Bl...]]

I have been doing okay. But the thought of going back to work brings back unpleasant memories. I find that part of me still blames myself for not being able to keep Mom alive longer. If I had just done something different, maybe she would still be here. This is hard to live with and I pray that I come to terms with it soon. Maybe I need to stop avoiding the thoughts and just let them happen. I just do not know.

 

Blue

[[be...]]

I think now would probably be a good time to go back to work and restart your Life, if you are busy the thoughts do not come as much. I had only 2 wks off and it was hard going back as my heart and sorrow was so new, but after a bit of time things got slowly better, not perfect but better.

[[Bl...]]

I think now would probably be a good time to go back to work and restart your Life, if you are busy the thoughts do not come as much. I had only 2 wks off and it was hard going back as my heart and sorrow was so new, but after a bit of time things got slowly better, not perfect but better.

What makes it harder is that my job has to do with Hospice and it is the same Hospice my Mom was on. I hope I can separate from my own personal experience and grief. I guess I will not really know until I try.

 

Blue

[[be...]]

I think now would probably be a good time to go back to work and restart your Life, if you are busy the thoughts do not come as much. I had only 2 wks off and it was hard going back as my heart and sorrow was so new, but after a bit of time things got slowly better, not perfect but better.

What makes it harder is that my job has to do with Hospice and it is the same Hospice my Mom was on. I hope I can separate from my own personal experience and grief. I guess I will not really know until I try.

 

Blue

That is tough, I am not sure if you can change jobs, but yes that could be stressful, but maybe being busy would help and giving to pts and families.

[[Bl...]]

I think now would probably be a good time to go back to work and restart your Life, if you are busy the thoughts do not come as much. I had only 2 wks off and it was hard going back as my heart and sorrow was so new, but after a bit of time things got slowly better, not perfect but better.

What makes it harder is that my job has to do with Hospice and it is the same Hospice my Mom was on. I hope I can separate from my own personal experience and grief. I guess I will not really know until I try.

 

Blue

That is tough, I am not sure if you can change jobs, but yes that could be stressful, but maybe being busy would help and giving to pts and families.

If I focus on giving to the patients and their families, I think it will make it easier. Thank you begood

 

Love you,

 

Blue

[[ca...]]

Blue, i know things have been hard on you but just keep staying positive and know things will work themselves out  ~CD

[[Bl...]]

Blue, i know things have been hard on you but just keep staying positive and know things will work themselves out  ~CD

:smitten:

 

Blue

[[Bl...]]

Compassion and caring from others helps to heal the soul and spirit.

 

Love you all

 

Blue

[[Ch...]]

Hey, Blue...how're you doing? 

[[Bl...]]

Hey, Blue...how're you doing? 

Sorry I did not answer sooner Challis, but I have not checked till today. To be honest, I am having a bad day. I just want my Mom back. I also am blaming myself for her death. I keep going back to thinking that if I had done things differently, she might still be here. But I am helpless to change anything now.

 

Blue

[[Fl...]]

 

Sorry I did not answer sooner Challis, but I have not checked till today. To be honest, I am having a bad day. I just want my Mom back. I also am blaming myself for her death. I keep going back to thinking that if I had done things differently, she might still be here. But I am helpless to change anything now.

 

Blue

Hi Blue,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written.

I would like to speak to you wanting to place blame on yourself. Please don't. It serve's NO purpose.

You were an excellent daughter, and you did ALL that you could. Some things are out of our control Blue.

I am learning this now. I am staying very mindful in my day to day life. Trying so hard to just stay in the moment. My dad is now basically bed bound. I'm having to use a Hoyer Lift to transfer him. He has pressure sores on his tailbone, left great toe, and left heel. It's so hard to see him like this. I'm just loving him the best I can, and  Blue...I know you did this with your mom. Blame and Guilt should not be in our vocabulary.

Mom came home from Rehabing her leg. She was gone for 8 weeks. Doing well. She is one tough cookie.

I think of you all the time, and I wanted you to know.

I'll try to pop back in sooner.

Love to you Blue...Fluter 

[[Bl...]]

 

Sorry I did not answer sooner Challis, but I have not checked till today. To be honest, I am having a bad day. I just want my Mom back. I also am blaming myself for her death. I keep going back to thinking that if I had done things differently, she might still be here. But I am helpless to change anything now.

 

Blue

Hi Blue,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written.

I would like to speak to you wanting to place blame on yourself. Please don't. It serve's NO purpose.

You were an excellent daughter, and you did ALL that you could. Some things are out of our control Blue.

I am learning this now. I am staying very mindful in my day to day life. Trying so hard to just stay in the moment. My dad is now basically bed bound. I'm having to use a Hoyer Lift to transfer him. He has pressure sores on his tailbone, left great toe, and left heel. It's so hard to see him like this. I'm just loving him the best I can, and  Blue...I know you did this with your mom. Blame and Guilt should not be in our vocabulary.

Mom came home from Rehabing her leg. She was gone for 8 weeks. Doing well. She is one tough cookie.

I think of you all the time, and I wanted you to know.

I'll try to pop back in sooner.

Love to you Blue...Fluter 

I am so sorry your Dad's health is declining. He is blessed to have a daughter like you to care for him.

As for me, I have been suffering from panic attacks when I wake up. During them, I continuously have to remind myself they have a beginning and an end.

 

Love and hugs,

 

Bluebell