Husband Getting Me Irritated

[[Au...]]

I know that it's unfair to make broad generalizations about men or women. I'm irritated when someone talks to me in a "you, women" or "all men" way. And yet... I find myself angry today (irrationally or not, what can I do) at men. Actually, I'm irritated with my husband and I'm probably just spreading it (perhaps unfairly) to all men (and even our male dog). (I know).

 

I just found out that I'm pregnant. My mom is visiting for Christmas, and she is doing all the work around the house. She's cooking, cleaning, putting the dishes in the dishwasher, absolutely everything. Let me also say that I have a job in which I'm working from everywhere at all times, including at home. I also earn twice as much as my husband, and I buy the food, pay most of the bills etc., etc. We would never be able to survive on his earnings. Or our quality of life would be bad.

 

Before this, he didn't have a 9-5 job. Now that he does, on his off days, and let alone on the days he's working, he doesn't really want to do anything else. He's happy to go to the store to buy the groceries, but that's it. He used to earn almost nothing, but then he at least cleaned our apartment. Now with this pay that's really not that much, he's mentioning that we should get a cleaner. Basically, _I_ should get a cleaner, as I'm going to end up paying for that as well.

 

Now that my mother is here, for example: she cooked the lunch today (as every day), he doesn't even pick up his plate after he's done eating. I know this seems like a little detail, but to me, details are telling. And that's the daily life: details. He finished the meal, got up, and went to the couch to snuggle with the dog (who he nevertheless doesn't want to walk, until I take him out). Yesterday, I had to ask him nicely to help me pick up the stuff from the table (then he does it, but do I really have to spell that out every time??) and I was putting the leftovers in the fridge and managed to bang my head on the cabinets. Today, he didn't even think of helping me out.

 

I know it's too late to think about this, but what am I getting myself into? Would it have been better if I had stayed single for the rest of my life? Don't assume that I'm young, and that I jumped into something out of immaturity. I'm over 35 and I waited until over 35 to get married, because all my longterm boyfriends had huge issues that I simply couldn't tolerate. And please don't assume that I'm being difficult or impossible to please. Maybe I was bad at picking boyfriends, maybe I lived in areas where most men are notoriously bad at relationships (NYC), I don't know. But almost any guy I tried to live with was a man-child in one way or another (playing video games all day long; being too sensitive and manipulative etc.). I chose in the end to be married to the person that I loved the most, and even have a child, but I'm plagued by these daily "unfairnesses."

 

For, how is it fair that I should worry about almost all house chores and almost all bills?? Also, whenever I think that any of my friends did so well for herself, I find out something horrible: that they were actually slapped by their husband (couples that I would NEVER imagine in that situation, btw), or emotionally abused, or that they're also taking care of the household and worrying about bills... Then I remember hearing my husband and his friends saying how most women "bitch." Of course they bitch! Who wouldn't be angry with all these daily inequalities? I never thought I'd be complaining, and here I am as well :/

 

I honestly hope that there are women out there who managed to get their husbands to do a fair share of the housework. Steinem said that we're used to the fact now that women can do what men traditionally did, but that we're not used to men doing what women traditionally did... If this child I'm pregnant with turns out to be a girl, I really hope she won't have these issues. Or, if it's a boy, I hope I raise him to be a good husband to someone.

[[Ch...]]

If you're having a baby, I'd give the housecleaning person idea a second thought.  I was in a relationship where I was the major breadwinner, too, and could make all the observations you have made.  A marriage counselor suggested the fair way to divide the bills was to use percentages...for instance, if you make three times what he does, you each pay the proportionate amount of the household expenses.  It's fair and works pretty well.

 

Pregnant, tapering, the holidays... ugh.  None of these are easy, but all will pass with time.  The holidays will be the first to go. 

 

And yes, if the baby's a boy, teach him to be self-sufficient.  Mamas must do this for everyone's future benefit.

 

 

[[Be...]]

Sounds familiar to me, too, Automn.  Hope you can work it out with him. 

[[Ga...]]

There's no excuse for rudeness.

 

It's rude to just leave his dirty plate!

[[4G...]]

Hiya! Have you talked honestly and openly about these issues to him? He maybe thinks that he can get away with it, but you need to sit down together and talk. Who is going to pay for child care if you have the baby and then go back to work?

I think Challis made an excellent suggestion about percentages. If he doesn't see that that is fair then you need to ask him what he considers to be fair. And stick to it! If you ever do any of his household chores then you are making trouble for yourself.

But you must talk to him. If my husband always did the laundry and didn't mention it then I would be rubbing my hands with glee!

Also, are there any courses he could do which would improve the chances of him earning more? Would he be interested? Good Luck! 

[[Au...]]

Challis, I agree with others: excellent suggestion about the percentages! (I just have to figure out how to bring this up. We always had a very "let's share whatever we have" attitude, but I got the shorter end of that deal for now:-\ Also, if I wanted to buy an expensive piece of furniture, and he's against it, I don't know how I'd get him to accept that... I ended up furnishing the entire apartment.

 

Becksblue and Gardenia, thank you! and - right?!

 

4Gillyblossom. I did bring it up the following day! I told him the dirty plate made me feel worried about our life with the baby etc. He attributed the issue to the fact that my mom is now running the household. And she is. But, I mean, we still need to put the dirty plates into the sink. The dining table is only a few feet away from the kitchen sink, and it happened again tonight, so, to me, this simply means neglect of the household. He hasn't paid for food, cooked food, or touched anything in the house for 3 weeks now. He had 3 days off last week (Christmas Eve, Christmas, sunday), but then he's tired and just sleeps with the dog, or watches cartoons on the couch. (The cartoons, as much as they're for adults, really strike me as indicative of this issue...)

 

Unfortunately, I can't say that I didn't think or know that there would be a huge difference in our incomes. Our education levels are VERY different, to the point where there is comedy material in it. I just always thought that it wouldn't really bother me IF the other person is doing their best. If someone was just sitting on their a-- all day and earning as much as me, I think it would still bother me more than seeing someone try to earn as much as they can with the skills they have. I still stand by that. I just think that the fact that right now I have a "nice job of sitting at a desk" reading and writing, which often looks like I'm not doing much, doesn't mean that I should also take care of the household. I worked my ass off to have this kind of job. Graduate school, PhD... It took YEARS of living on puny stipends and studying and writing to be here. He's not the type and didn't go to much school. Which, since he's intelligent (and I can talk to him), I don't care about, I just don't want to end up working at my job AND also at home (on top of earning more) because his job is more exhausting since he didn't invest into an easier career. (Or into a career which is demanding, but also lucrative.)

 

I think the incomes will probably stay this way, and I'm even fine with that. I just really need NOT TO BE the only person taking care of the house... I feel like I used to be so much better in coaxing him more gently into what I need him to do. Now I just feel grumpy that I still have to explain this. I guess I'll have to make some house chore list and give him his daily tasks... (How did I become the grumpy wife?? No one, including me, saw this coming. But now I get it.)

[[Fi...]]

I sympathize.  I always thought I had a better deal going than any of my friends, and I STILL felt I was doing more than my share of the childcare and housework and didn't get enough time to pursue my writing.  Fought about it occasionally, then just lived through it without getting divorced.

 

There's always the chance that your guy will be a great dad!  The advice I'd give from having lived through all this and watched my friends do it too, though, is that if you want to make the guy a true partner in parenting and in keeping the house, you have to let him do what he does HIS way.  I watched a lot of friends gripe that their husbands wouldn't pitch in, but basically they wanted to retain full control of everything and the guy was just the coolie labor. 

 

I think it's important to set precedents early.  Figure out ways to draw lines and stick to them.  Not always easy.  My best one was when my husband made the mistake of complaining I didn't match up his socks.  I showed him what un-matched socks were.  I didn't match them again for about ten years!  My theory is that people (even your true love!) will happily take whatever they can from you, and if you don't stick up for yourself, they'll just keep taking.  If you stand up for yourself, though, and they don't have a leg to stand on, what are they gonna do?  I'm assuming you're not worried about actually being hit, or you should have been gone a long time ago.

 

The other thing to remember is that it's possible you're extra irritable because of withdrawal, not to mention being pregnant.  Not a good time to draw a final verdict on the guy!  The reaching of our 40th anniversary was highly in doubt at a certain point for us, but looking back, it was clearly my withdrawal craziness and neither of us understand what was going on. (I hadn't found BB yet!)  Everything's great now, and all his socks are matched to the best of my ability!

 

If you're pregnant and in withdrawal, you are going to need all the help and support and understanding you can get.  I agree with previous posters that now is the time to speak right up and say so.  If you need to hire cleaning help, do it.  Having a baby is a huge thing--so is healing yourself from benzos.  You deserve major support.

 

Good luck.  The great part is that a baby will be wonderful!

[[be...]]

I had to marry a momma's boy. She still made his bed when we visited her home at 40+ years of age. She also did all of his laundry, but not mine. And while I worked very hard out of our home, (and made more money than he did) I still got up and made him full meals because he worked at odd hours. I always put the meal on the 2nd shelf in the fridge and told him it would always be in the same place. But no matter what, when I was very busy at work, he stood near my office, staring at me. I asked him why. He said, I can't find my dinner. I had to constantly bring him in person and show him. He did this about 50X in a row until I blew up at him. I told him his dinner would always be in the same place and look there. The next day he stared at me, asking where his dinner was. Then I threw a radio at him. But yet, he could never find his dinner, which was in the same place every damn day. I could name a 100 same things he said/did, but it would take up 50 pages. Then I decided one day to take a nice drive. To my divorce lawyer.

Bets

[[Au...]]

FinallyJoining, so true that everyone will "take advantage" and not do anything if they're given a chance! I'll keep talking to him, especially now after the holidays, when my mom leaves, because then there is simply no excuse for him not to lift a finger around the house. (There is no chance of any kind of violence, of course, I'm always shocked when I hear of that - especially since it's sometimes happening in a household where you would never expect it! I was just ruminating about the fact how most women I know really have it hard, from more work all in all to bully husbands in some extreme cases.)

 

Also, so true that people want things done their way! I've seen that plenty of times too! However, I couldn't care less how the dirty plate ends up in the sink, or how the rooms got vacuumed, I just want it to happen:) He's a sweet man otherwise, and I'm really looking forward to the baby; I just want to make sure that he does his share. I remember watching a talk by Stephanie Coontz about marriage, and how the researchers found that - as much as we're all different - there are 4 major factors that affect the quality of marriage: for wives, the most important two factors were 1) help in the household and with kids, and 2) emotional support. For husbands: 1) not being "nagged" at 2) having frequent sex. There is also a correlation, of course. If the husbands don't do their 1 and 2, then wives usually nag and have less sex. Also, the opposite is true. It was interesting to me to see that they saw such a huge overlap between all kinds of different couples.

 

Bets, this made me laugh so hard!)) My mom divorced my dad, so I was trying to be extra careful about marriage, waited for a long time to settle down.

[[be...]]

Automn:

 

After 20 years of staring me in the face, asking where is dinner, he's lucky I didn't throw the dogs at him.

[[Fi...]]

Automn--there's a lot to be said for sweetness in a man, and being a guy where you never have to worry for one minute about actual physical abuse. 

 

When my friends and I were all young marrieds, we used to spend a lot of time griping about our husbands, telling stories about all the annoyances we had to endure.  Look how bad I have it!  Men don't do this.  My husband says it's because for a man to complain about his wife would be to say that he chose wrong or made a mistake. 

 

Anyway, about the time my dad died, I kind of changed.  We'd been married over twenty years by then and it kind of hit me that we don't necessarily have these guys around forever.  Better be nice!  It helps to love in the guy what there is to love and try to both pull on the same end of the rope.  You're partners, not adversaries.

 

My very best wishes for your pregnancy and healing from benzos.

 

Love,

FinallyJoining63

[Guest [ch...]]

As a guy I find this thread a useful guide as to how *not* to behave...

[[...]]

A guy weighing in.

 

I think that these are personality traits that are ingrained into a person very early on in life.  There are some guys who are complete neat freak but I do think though that most guys have a high threshold for clutter tolerance than girls.    Although I can't tell you how many women I've dated who kept seemingly spotless apartments and the bedroom ALWAYS looked like a bomb went off.

 

anyways.....

 

If he doesn't do it on his own, it's because he doesn't want to do it.   

 

The expectation of him WANTING to do whatever, as an expression of his love for you, will lead to heart ache.  Don't resent having to ask in the first place either. If he wanted to do, it would have gotten done already. 

 

You have to ask and ask and ask again until he's trained.  When he does it, even if you had to ask him, thank him!  POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT!!!      It's like training a chimpanzee.

 

I'm sure the women reading this are throwing mental daggers in my direction. 

 

Honestly I'm not trying to be inflammatory with my comments.  When it's typed out in words, I can't deliver it with the tone and emphasis that's needed to take the potential sting out of the words, or to provide context.

 

Automn:

 

I present to you HOW TO MAKE A GUY DO WHAT YOU WANT and not feel hurt:

 

(yes it actually talks about dishes)

 

Start at 1h14m30s

 

Stop at 1h39m30s

 

 

 

This is a video called, A Tale of Two Brains, from a weekend seminar called Laugh your way to a better marriage and it's, in my opinion, hilarious.  It should be required watching for many couples.  My wife and I laughed so much watching this.  It's delivered by a christian pastor, but don't let that scare you off.    I'm agnostic and my wife is catholic and we both love this video.  There are a couple of lines delivered that are obviously centered in christian moral view points, but they are few and far between.

 

This is a funny funny video and can be quite enlightening for couples.

 

I invite you to watch the whole thing with your husband one evening.  JUST THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER.    It's 2 hours.

[[Fi...]]

No daggers from me!  Thanks for weighing in from the guy's point of view.  It's only taken us 42 years to have this stuff pretty well sorted out!  One rule I adhere to is that if you get the guy to take on the chore, whether it's housework or kid watching, then HE GETS TO DO IT HIS WAY!

[[...]]

One rule I adhere to is that if you get the guy to take on the chore, whether it's housework or kid watching, then HE GETS TO DO IT HIS WAY!

 

That's really important too.  So long as the job gets done at the end of the day.  There are tasks my wife does, in ways that drives me up the wall, but if it's getting done why stress over it.

 

 

 

 

Also, I like the idea of splitting costs based on salaries, if your into splitting costs.

 

We combine everything anyways in our house.  Mainly because I'm horrible at finances.  I was the bread winner for many years when my wife was going to school and then starting out her profession. Now that's changed and she has enough experience in her profession to merit a very good salary.  Almost double what I bring in now.  I let her do what needs to be done with the household income.  Personal finances, I could care less about.  She is an accountant and numbers crunching comes naturally to her.  I gladly cough up my income so long as I don't have to manage the bills.

 

It's what works for us anyways.

[[Fi...]]

It used to be my job to pay the bills, but I lost that gig after blowing it too many times with cog fog during my recovery.  Don't know that I care about getting it back!

[[wh...]]

 

He: Darling, how about changing positions tonight?

She: Oh, I'd love to. So you do the ironing and I sit on the sofa and fart.