I almost killed someone.

[[Ba...]]

Hello all, I don't know if anyone has ever been in my situation but I wanted to share something I've been dealing with. I cannot blame my depression or substance abuse on what I went through,  but I sometimes can't help but wonder if it did affect me more than I think.

 

Long story short,  a year ago I was driving to work and a pedestrian jaywalked in front of my car. It was dark and although I was not violating any traffic laws,  by the time I saw her it was too late.  She flew through the air and landed in the street. I thought she was dead. I was not given any citations but I knew a lawsuit would result. Luckily, she survived but sustained injuries costing a quarter of a million dollars. I later found it was a suspected suicide attempt. I was relieved to find out that should this go to trial, it's unlikely I will be found liable. But at the end of the day who knows, a jury could side with her and it's out of my hands. You hear some crazy stories like the man who was recently awarded 21.5 million dollars after hitting his head on an automatic door while on a cruise ship. I have lost faith in the justice system after all that I've been through over the years. The US has become such a sue happy country that majority of people hire these ambulance chasers who convince them they are entitled to a generous pay out.

 

My family says that I haven't been the same since the accident. I don't know. I kind of blocked it out and moved on,  wiring it off as an accident.  When I found out she likely tried to kill herself by walking in front of my car,  I didn't know how to react. I still don't know how I feel about it. It's crazy that one day someone can make a decision that could forever change a random person. Guess I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time that day. I try not to dwell on it but I sometimes wonder if I should talk about it. I've never been in such a situation and I thank God she survived because I honestly don't know how I would cope if I had killed another person. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for years but I never mentioned it;  he's basically just a doctor who writes scripts and you're in and out in 5 minutes. I wouldn't feel comfortable mentioning this to him anyway. My mother emphasizes and I've talked to her about it briefly; she wonders if I have PTSD but honestly I just try to accept it as a one in a million occurrence and move on. I've researched this topic and it seems a lot of truck drivers fall victim to things like this. It's very rare so there is little research and support for drivers who have struck suicidal pedestrians. Throughout this whole process I've been open to talking about it. I was never looking for sympathy but majority of the time when I talk about this incident, people focus on the woman I hit and don't even think to acknowledge that I too was affected and still have to live with what happened that day.  Even when giving my statement to my insurance company,  they ask me "is she okay? " No one ever asked me how I was doing. Not all injuries are physical.

 

I wish this never happened. I wish I didn't have to deal with this lawsuit and it would just go away. It's scary knowing if I had been speeding or hit her differently that I could be in jail for vehicular manslaughter. I wanted to drive away and pretend it never happened; for a split second I thought about it. But know that wouldn't make it go away so I got out of my car and ran up to her. I immobilized her neck and talked to her. She was hurt badly, her leg was severely broken and she was barely talking. When others took over and medics came, I stood by the curb and just cried. It was horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

When I learned she may have done it on purpose I was shocked. I felt sad for her that she wanted to take her own life but I was also angry at her for involving an innocent stranger. Maybe I'm ok with it or maybe I've just refused to address it. I wonder if talking to a professional would be beneficial but I have no money to do so. I just wish I could find support in some way. The lawsuit doesn't help and I hope that when it is finally resolved I can fully move on.

 

Others have reacted by suggesting I counter sue for the mental anguish I've been through. In the end, I don't know what that would accomplish. Money isn't going to change anything and the woman is a single mother on government assistance anyway.

 

I just wanted to share my story. It's unlikely any of you have been in my shoes but I know you have had your own issues and I value your support. Sometimes it just feels good to talk about it.

 

Thank you for reading

[[an...]]

Oh BarkLess,

What a sad story. You are very strong to have survived such an ordeal. I'm so glad you shared your story with us.

Love and Big Healing Hugs!

[[4G...]]

BarkMore, I suspect you need counselling with this one or I don't think you will ever 'put it to bed'. It is obvious that you think about this a great deal. People will say, quite rightly, that it wasn't your fault but you happened to be behind the wheel through a fluke. It could have been any of us. But it was you and you need to talk to someone professional. Please let us know how it goes. Gilly x

[[4G...]]

Sorry! You are Bark LESS, not more! My mistake.

 

Also, you say you have no money to see a professional counsellor. Is there no way you could find the money? This is stopping you from moving on.

 

Gilly x

[[Ba...]]

Thanks guys. Gilly, I'm currently not working and I don't have a dollar to my name.  I put my pride aside and started applying for jobs outside of my field.  A little money beats no money. Do you really thinkit would help?  I've always dealt with things on my own.

[[4G...]]

I think it would help. But it is so expensive. It isn't fair that this should depend on whether you are rich or not. Do you feel like you have made some progress with this on your own? In an ideal world, you should be able to counter claim for psychological suffering.

 

How has she got the nerve to start a court case when she did it deliberately? Gilly x

[[Ba...]]

I have made some progress, imo, but I do feel lungs I have repressed it a bit. It's not fair,  but things rarely are.  The woman had recently had an abortion,  broke up with her fiance,  moved back home with mom, and had a history of suicide attempts.  Shewalked out in front of my car drunk and high in front of her ex. I hope justice prevails because she messed me up with her actions. She is currently denying that it was a suicide attempt.

 

I'm lucky she didn't die but at the very least I wish my insurance rates didn't go up based on someone's decision.

[[fi...]]

I have made some progress, imo, but I do feel lungs I have repressed it a bit. It's not fair,  but things rarely are.  The woman had recently had an abortion,  broke up with her fiance,  moved back home with mom, and had a history of suicide attempts.  Shewalked out in front of my car drunk and high in front of her ex. I hope justice prevails because she messed me up with her actions. She is currently denying that it was a suicide attempt.

 

I'm lucky she didn't die but at the very least I wish my insurance rates didn't go up based on someone's decision.

 

I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else!  That being said, everything I am about to say I hope you hear my love, respect and compassion in my words.

 

I think talk therapy is truly helpful if you go with a specific goal in mind.  I think it's really important to know why you are there and where you want to be.

 

Secondly, I think the very first step to any progress is acknowledgment.  As long as you are in disagreement with the event even happening, you can't move forward.  You genuinely have to sit yourself down and say "OK this happened or is happening, it sucks but it happened nonetheless, now what"?  Once you fully take that in, you can then look to whatever is next in getting through it.  I think in this situation, the grieving process is applicable.  I think you need to list what your losses have been to date and you need to mourn them.  This of course requires you getting very clear about what upsets you and why.  Once you have the list, move yourself to acknowledgement that they happened or are happening.  The ultimate goal is acceptance.  Please find resources that help you move through the grieving process.  I assure you they are plentiful.

 

Lastly, I really don't know that it's relevant to you as to whether or not her intentions were accidental or suicidal.  What I mean is that your healing has to be based on your actions, your intentions and ultimately your resolution.  I can see how you would feel exonerated if she admitted she stepped out in front of your car.  I can see how you would feel more culpable if she where 100% in the wrong place at the wrong time.  But to me the facts are the same no matter how it happened - you were both in a horrible accident and thankfully you both are alive!  I'm just trying to say to focus on yourself - what you did or didn't do, how you feel or don't feel.  Get yourself a goal with this situation and move yourself intentionally toward that goal.  An example of a goal may be to forgive yourself and her for this unfortunate situation. 

 

Barklesswagmore I hope you hear my support when I say I have faith in you that you will get out of this whatever you set your heart and intention to!

 

I'm sending you love and light. 

[[be...]]

I'm so sorry for this. I don't believe you are responsible. But maybe you have guilt? Like others said here, if you can find the money I think therapy would help you get past this. This is a 1 in a million tragedy. But it's 100% when it comes to you.  :hug:

[[or...]]

BarkLess I wouldn't give up on the idea of therapy just because you have no money. Most therapists take a certain number of pro bono clients. If it were me, I would give this a try.

[[ba...]]

i have an uncle whos serving 9 life sentances for the same behavior  fogle did (subway sandwish guy) i guess if someone has alot of money lawyers can get their client off with less time served, Fogle just got 15 years he'll be eligible for parole in 7 - 8 years

[[Ba...]]

Thank you everyone. It feels good to be able to tell my side of the story without judgement. I may look into into a therapist. Worst case scenario I go and talk about it and nothing happens. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Just sharing this with you guys helps. I hope you all never have to deal with this. It's not fun but I'm thankful I was not charged with any crime and although the other party sustained injuries, she is alive and not paralyzed or a vegetable. I truly hope she can recover from her depression and find the will to live for her and her children. I stood on the side of the road wondering if she'd survive and wondering what this meant for me; I expected to be taken to the police station and drug/alcohol tested while being convicted of a crime. I was shocked that the police told me it happens all the time and she was stupid to have been jaywalking at night with all dark clothing. Didn't they realize this was devastating to me? I don't blame them as it does happen, but it's not fun to hit someone, no matter the circumstances. Thank you all again.

[[be...]]

Thank you everyone. It feels good to be able to tell my side of the story without judgement. I may look into into a therapist. Worst case scenario I go and talk about it and nothing happens. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Just sharing this with you guys helps. I hope you all never have to deal with this. It's not fun but I'm thankful I was not charged with any crime and although the other party sustained injuries, she is alive and not paralyzed or a vegetable. I truly hope she can recover from her depression and find the will to live for her and her children. I stood on the side of the road wondering if she'd survive and wondering what this meant for me; I expected to be taken to the police station and drug/alcohol tested while being convicted of a crime. I was shocked that the police told me it happens all the time and she was stupid to have been jaywalking at night with all dark clothing. Didn't they realize this was devastating to me? I don't blame them as it does happen, but it's not fun to hit someone, no matter the circumstances. Thank you all again.

 

:thumbsup:

[[4G...]]

I'm sure we all wish you the very best, Bark Less. Just think, if talking to us about it has made you feel a bit better then think how much better you could be in the hands of a professional. Good Luck pal. Gilly x

[[Ba...]]

Thank you, you guys are awesome! I wasn't expecting such a positive response.  I will certainly keep you all updated. Cheers.  ♡

[[Co...]]

That's hard to deal with.

I've been suicidal, and have considered this method.

It was always the thought of not knowing who was behind the wheels, or the train driver or truck driver and causing them anguish which held me back.

You must keep telling yourself that you are not to blame for what happened. It wasn't you it was her, and the car.

Wrong place, wrong time.

But if it still causing you anguish, I do agree with the general consensus and recommend some psychotherapy to help work through it.

Thanks for sharing.