Where's The Humor In All This?

[[...]]

benzogirl,

 

I haven't vacuumed in so long I can see Christmas tree pine needles from two years ago in the canister.

 

I'll see your sweat pants and raise you an XXL holey robe with mashed potatoes stuck to the zipper.

 

I need new glasses, but can't get myself to the eye doctor.  I have to slant my glasses on my nose to see anything.  The protective coating on my glasses is peeling off.  I look like I have six eyeballs and lash dandruff.

 

My dog's poop in the backyard is the only fertilizer I can afford.

 

I thought I had withdrawal induced asthma, but I was just choking on a dog hairball under the covers.

 

Sofa

 

You're in big trouble.

 

You sound a little holier than thou with your robes and linnen. 

 

 

 

http://wp.production.patheos.com/blogs/exploringourmatrix/files/2015/02/wpid-Photo-20150226224611631.jpghttp://cdn.muslimmatters.org/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/holier_than_thounuts.gif

 

Kian: You sound like my pastor.  Are you holier than thou?

 

BG

 

Potatoes on my shirt would be an upgrade for me.  I don't even own a robe. 

[[be...]]

Kian: I hear you can buy a robe cheap at Goodwill.............I can't help you with the potatoes because they are not part of my low glycemic diet..Too many simple carbs...

[[...]]

Kian: I hear you can buy a robe cheap at Goodwill.............I can't help you with the potatoes because they are not part of my low glycemic diet..Too many simple carbs...

 

BG

 

Maybe a garage sale, but I'd have to ask someone to go get it for me.  I'm too sick to go, and besides, I don't think the ones at Goodwill would be holy enough for me.

 

Since you can't eat potatoes, try eating a Durian 

 

Guaranteed to scare the campers away, and it's got some fat in it to level off the sugar spike. 

 

(I'm in trouble.)

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/nervous/scared-and-sweating-smiley-emoticon.gif

[[Sh...]]

Sorry for biting a chunk out of your face last night dear. I had a horrible withdrawal nightmare about a pepperoni pizza.

 

:D :D

 

She

 

 

[[Be...]]

Was outside last night at 2:30am in my nightgown with a flashlight in cold, 40mph wind gusts frantically walking and stumbling around picking up the nabe's curbside recyclables--big boxes, plastic and detergent bottles, etc.--that blew all over my yard when her recycling bin was blown over.  I'm benzo    Gotta get those recyclables back into the bin for next day trash pickup.  I'm too weak and tired to get   

[[so...]]

Becks,

 

Maybe you can use those boxes to regift lousy xmas gifts.

[[be...]]

I went to the Hat maker this morning, wanted a new bonnet, she measured my head, and she looked strange, then she asked me, Are you ok?, I asked her why and she said, well according to my last measurements, your skull has increased by 5%, what''''', Maybe that is why I have so much Head Pressure''''' just another thing to deal with, I asked her "do you think it will stop expanding"? and she said perhaps I needed to start buying buckets, as it looked like my head was getting bigger as we spoke, then I fell off the chair,and my head went bouncing down the street.

[[so...]]

Haha, begood.

 

Grab that rolling head.  You can shoot hoops and get some exercise.

[[be...]]

Kian: I hear you can buy a robe cheap at Goodwill.............I can't help you with the potatoes because they are not part of my low glycemic diet..Too many simple carbs...

 

BG

 

Maybe a garage sale, but I'd have to ask someone to go get it for me.  I'm too sick to go, and besides, I don't think the ones at Goodwill would be holy enough for me.

 

Since you can't eat potatoes, try eating a Durian 

 

Guaranteed to scare the campers away, and it's got some fat in it to level off the sugar spike. 

(I'm in trouble.)

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/nervous/scared-and-sweating-smiley-emoticon.gif

 

Kian: I think so................ And get a doggie to eat those potatoes......

[[so...]]

Three days ago I had to pay a plumber $189 to snake my main water pipe when both toilets overflowed.  The next day I took a new probiotic.  Got revved up with racing heartbeat, had a hypoglycemic episode and didn't poop yesterday.  This morning I took a poop and it was the size and shape of a racketball!  It wouldn't flush down the toilet and since I'd just paid a plumber to unclog my main, I wasn't going to risk another overflow.  So I got a big serving spoon out of the kitchen drawer, scooped the poop ball into a plastic doggie bag and threw the bag and the spoon in the outside trash can.  Tennis anyone?

[[be...]]

I'd think they'd be too dark for a tennis ball.  But would you mold them for me?

 

How much doggie poop ends up in your yard every day? Pee doesn't count.

[[Be...]]

sofaking, I kid you not, the same thing happened to me.  I was constipated and couldn't take a poop one day and then the next day I did and my toilet nearly overflowed because it got clogged up.  My poop was hard as a rock and wouldn't flush down, I guess, and clogged the drain.  I really panicked when I saw the water coming up to the rim of the toilet.  I've had the mainline from the yard come up through my toilet and flood the bathroom and laundry area with sewage, not once, but twice, in the past year.  Now that's a bunch of shit!  Pun intended.  No wonder I can't heal.  It's all the stress on me like that.  I have a panic disorder badly now after getting off these benzo's because I have high anxiety and can never relax and then all this shit happening to me.  No pun intended.   

[[be...]]

:2funny:

 

[[ga...]]

Just found this. Too funny! I've been in the nightgown club for weeks now, so definitely agree with that one! 

 

I can't tolerate most radio or TV or even music I used to love. All I can tolerate most days is a guided meditation CD I bought recently out of desperation. (Meditation and mindfulness are not my thing!) So, I should be as calm as the Buddha by the time I get through this awful withdrawal. Right??? 

[[so...]]

Becks,

 

Isn't it horrifying watching the mounting water and poop rising to the brim of your toilet?  It's like you're in a nightmare with a huge turd chasing you!  It's like watching "The Blob!"

[[Be...]]

Sofa, this shit never happened to me before the benzo's when my nerves weren't so bad.  Now all this stuff that would make a healthy person panic is happening to me while in w/d and with this benzo brain damage.

[[so...]]

Gardener,

 

I downloaded a meditation into my iPhone by a guy with a heavy Scottish accent.  I like when he tells me I'm going to fall into a deeper state of relaxation whenever he says the word, "NNNNNOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW."

 

He also tells me my legs feel like lead, but I'm way ahead of him with this hypnotic suggestion, as my legs already feel like cement, but with restless leg syndrome.

 

My earplugs kept jabbing me and falling out of my ears, so I bought his add on paraphernalia--stretchy soft headphones headband.  Comfy. 

 

I think I'll go back on his website and see if he sells one of those gold Buddah's with the fat belly I can rub for three wishes.  I'll try anything.

[[so...]]

Becks,

 

I HEAR YA!

 

Why couldn't my toilet overflow and the turd chase me BEFORE WITHDRAWAL?

 

Why, during withdrawal, when I'd bought $500 worth of perishable food for my daughter's 39th birthday party at my house, was there an underground explosion and my entire neighborhood lost power for 12 hours?  The food had to be transferred to 6 coolers full of ice.  We had to barbecue outside in the dark.  We had to light the pilot of my gas stove manually to bake her birthday cake in the dark (which fell of course).  We had to use scented candles and flashlights to help us grope around my blackened house and backyard to set the table, prepare and eat our dinner, ice the cake and use the toilet and my daughter was 9 months pregnant!  AND I'M IN F*CKING WITHDRAWAL!!!

 

 

 

 

[[so...]]

Came across this post on an old Benzo Buddy forum, can't remember who wrote it but thought it was funny and that we could all relate. Hang in there everyone

 

The 10 best things about withdrawal

 

1. Early Retirement- you can't work, so you might as well enjoy the time off

 

2. There's always music in the air- (well, some people call it tinnitus). It's more like one note being played endlessly. But hey, some people think rap is just noise.

 

3. Your computer skills vastly improve. You'll spend so much time on forums and researching benzo sites on the internet, your speed and efficiency will double in a month.

 

4. You won't waste valuable hours of your life sleeping. You'll now know the exact time your morning paper is delivered. If you watch out the window at night, you'll learn the interesting habits of nocturnal animals, and see what time your neighbors go to bed and get up.

 

5. Out of body experiences- why go through the annoying chore of dying on the operating table when you can just go through benzo withdrawal.

 

6. Save big money on vacations- A trip to the mailbox or to the grocery store is an adventure on its own. Will you panic, will you freeze up, will you sit down and cry...who knows what's around that corner.

 

7. Exercise? Who needs no stinkin' exercise! Your muscles will feel like you just ran a marathon, yet all you did was get out of bed and go to the bathroom.

 

8. Learn how much your spouse and/or family really loves you. Enough said.

 

9. Relive your ill-spent youth- Withdrawal can feel like an LSD trip. Might as well live it up. Crank up that old Woodstock album on the turntable, put on your best pair of bell bottoms, stick some flowers in your hair, and peace out, dudes.

 

10. Save money on vitamins, supplements, herbs, coffee, and alcohol- basically everything you USED to enjoy. All of them rev up your symptoms so you can't take em anymore.

 

[[NY...]]

Kian, I hope you know I was kidding.

 

i almost didn't snap.  are you paranoid you freaked me out?

 

now i'm paranoid i just freaked you out. 

 

are you ok?

 

i hope i didn't offend you? 

 

oh no!  now the world is coming to an end!

 

help me!

 

help me!

 

help me!   

 

are you ok?

 

 

:laugh:

[[ga...]]

8. Learn how much your spouse and/or family really loves you. Enough said.

 

Ain't that the truth!!

[[Ga...]]

#6 made me laugh. 

 

A walk to mail box, yikes!

 

I'm on a rocking boat half the time

[[Be...]]

Sofa, thanks for making me laugh.    I haven't laughed for years, literally.  I like #5, OOB's.  Adventure going to the mailbox.  How true.  It's alot more exciting than a vacation going to the mailbox because there's always a big surprise in there that you never expected.  It will be such a big surprise that it will leave you breathless, as in, panicky breathless, because it will be some big bill or application that needs filled out that you can barely get done with the benzo-brain and high anxiety.

 

Another crazy benzo'd-brain stunt on my part:  Went outside and raked up rain-soaked leaves in the yard.  How  am I?  I couldn't wait until they were dry?  I don't plan anything now.  Everything is spur of the moment, because everything I plan gives me anticipatory anxiety. 

 

 

[[be...]]

Hey guys, I need some help, I have had so much head pressure, that when I went bowling the other night, I rented shoes, but did not need a bowling ball, just threw myself headfirst down bowling alley, bouncing all the way and My head was so big, that I was stuck, in an awkward position, for the rest of evening. They had to get the jaws of life, to remove me''''''''''''.

[[Sa...]]

We are the only ones that have an in house vitamin store and can't take any of them!