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[[Lu...]]

so many things bothering me...hiding from it all.....

I'm ruining everything.

This is a like a binge of "I can't take it anymore".

I keep thinking I can predict the future, but what I am really doing is seeing the consequences of my actions.

Back to bed- and ruminating and hiding.

Once I head down this road, there seems to be no stopping.

I did the usual self- destructive things today too- you can PM me if you are interested.

I'm not maintaining what I should- and no one sticks around for that, even though there is a good reason.

I would love to explain privately what is going on.

And now this thread is in a not- often read area, which it shouldn't be.

I've blew my taper today- and I don't feel any better.

The general attitude seems to be- "MOVE OVER, WEAK AND DISABLED, FOR THE AGGRESSIVE. WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR TROUBLES- GO TO SOME OTHER PLACE WHERE WE DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT YOU."

[Guest [jc...]]

How did you manage to get into the 70K rehab facility in California that you mentioned in another thread?  I was just curious because you say you have no family or anyone helping you.  Also, maybe you could start a buddie blog so that you can write more about yourself and your background so that others have a better understanding of your circumstances.

[[Lu...]]

A former friend helped figure out that I could buy health insurance by the month. That is how I paid for the facility mentioned.

Also, it was their facility that takes insurance, not the more expensive one you mentioned. This was in a converted motel, and was hardly the same as the advertised one. My family helped with the premium, as well as the friend.

I'm just squeezing out these replies- a blog is too much. I'm really sinking fast here. I'm glad you at least read what I wrote and had a question.

[Guest [jc...]]

I feel that you have written quite a bit here....enough at least for the start of a blog of sorts.  I think writing about what is troubling us can be helpful and that starting a blog might be therapeutic, and it also might give others a better understanding of what is going on with you, hence, more compassion.

[[Lu...]]

I feel like all I can handle is direct question and answer- my life is too chaotic.

I still need a doctor and therapist- there are no funds to even do what I did- going to that detox/ rehab would be impossible.

I have not left home and have barely eaten today.

Everything in my life is getting worse- I am not taking care of anything, including myself.

[[th...]]

I am going to say this again bc I don't think you quite understand what this forum is for. This forum assists people who are struggling to get off benzos. People who are tapering. The people who run this forum and moderators plus the members are NOT PROFESSIONALS. I believe what you need is a professional to help you. I know you said you have tried to find one and asked for suggestions from members which you got responses. Sadly, none of those worked for you. It doesn't matter how many times you ask for help or explain your situation. The level of support that this forum can give you will not change. It's minimal when it comes to your needs. What has happened to your thread is that everyone has given you what they can. And they have no other support to offer. And they move on. Not bc they don't care, bc they can't help. We are just not equipped to handle your extreme situation. You need to reach out to others on the ground. Your situation won't be helped just with this forum. Please keep looking for help on the ground.

 

G

[[Lu...]]

I keep asking for referrals for on the ground help. Professionals. I feel that I have exhausted any ideas that I have for on the ground help.

Like I had explained, if I mention what is going on to my clinic, they will discontinue the klonopin.

Do you have any idea how scared I am when I read what you wrote?

I don't want to end up institutionalized, with a rapid taper and put on multiple medications.

What has happened here is that some people have not believed my situation, and that is just so wrong.

I can't be the only person with these problems here.

Others have ended up on benzos= I can't believe that someone doesn't have similar issues.

[Guest [jc...]]

Have you checked any of these groups out?

https://groups.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?sid=1432171890.3197_20315&city=White+Plains&county=Westchester&state=NY&rec_next=41

[[Lu...]]

Thank you, jc215. That's quite a list. I have no idea how I would pay for those groups.

I need to get out from my contract with the clinic so I can use insurance to pay for services,

because I am limited to the clinic right now.

The first step is finding a psychiatrist who is not at a clinic.

It's such a mess because I don't even know how I will get around.

Sadly, I'm not taking care of basic needs right now- food, fresh air, laundry, etc.

I've got to get better, somehow.

No one is here to help.

[Guest [jc...]]

Can you order a pizza to be delivered or something?

[[th...]]

I keep asking for referrals for on the ground help. Professionals. I feel that I have exhausted any ideas that I have for on the ground help.

Like I had explained, if I mention what is going on to my clinic, they will discontinue the klonopin.

Do you have any idea how scared I am when I read what you wrote?

I don't want to end up institutionalized, with a rapid taper and put on multiple medications.

What has happened here is that some people have not believed my situation, and that is just so wrong.

I can't be the only person with these problems here.

Others have ended up on benzos= I can't believe that someone doesn't have similar issues.

 

I am not sure why what I said that would scares you?? But you are right about one thing, there might be others who have been in your situation here. People started out offering every idea to those people too. Just like you. All the best support and suggestions the people on this forum can offer. Just like you have gotten. When nothing worked people began fading away. Not bc they didn't care but nothing they said helped even in the slightest and so they felt they just can't help. What exactly are you looking for from people here that you haven't received already? I know you are struggling terribly but at some point you are going to have to take your own step forward to make a change. No one here can help you do that, it has to come from within.

 

G

[[Lu...]]

What scares me? Being institutionalized, pain, and death.

What am I looking for- a referral, before it is too late, and my prescription runs out.

I need to get out of the clinic situation and get private practitioners.

The stress in my life is incredible for anyone.

[[th...]]

I would be scared of those things too. You have valid fears. I believe you have been offered referral suggestions numerous times. Each time you had reasons they won't work for you. So what that tells me is you won't find that info here on this forum. We are not professionals, only regular people also struggling and in pain from benzo use, also scared of what you are scared of. You are going to have to find a dr on your own. This is not a referral sanctuary, if someone asks for names of drs in their area they might get one or two suggestions, you got more. But after that it's up to you to do that on your own. The referral suggestions weren't good enough for you for one reason or another just like every other suggestion you got. That means you will not find help for your individual situation on this forum. You need to look in real life for it. An Internet forum is not going to be able to assist you in your situation. You need more. You can keep trying but if what has been said in the pages of comments in this thread is not helpful to you it most likely won't ever be. You got the best of the best with also some tough love mixed in, trying to jump start you to take action. Which is what you need to do, take action for yourself. Help yourself. People, including me now, have told you what they think you need to do. After that, the thread does tend to die. It's bc we have nothing else to offer you. We can't help you attain what your looking for. Do you understand what I am saying??

[[Lu...]]

I put plenty of time into finding a doctor myself, before I posted and during.

I know the limitations of the forum, but am hoping someone still comes up with someone.

It's worth a try.

[[th...]]

I put plenty of time into finding a doctor myself, before I posted and during.

I know the limitations of the forum, but am hoping someone still comes up with someone.

It's worth a try.

 

Yep. You sure can keep trying.

[[Lu...]]

but now that I am not on the "withdrawal" forum, which is what I am doing. there will be less people seeing this post who might not have seen it before.

[[lo...]]

I am sorry for everyone's suffering, and grateful for the efforts people are making to help me.

I am writing what appears to be the same thing because I don't think anyone has understood that article,

and the "void" that I experience that paralyzes me. It's not about the feeling you get from benzos- it's about the

debilitating emptiness I feel at my core.

I feel like collapsing and dying- my body stiffens up... like molasses in my bones- and my mind cries out, "I am alone!"

I researched catatonia, but it doesn't seem to be that.

Would you tell someone catatonic to just start moving?

I don't want to alienate everyone- what I experience is extreme.

I repeat until it is understood.

I can't get that audio to play, Morreweg.

I give up....what difference does it make if someone understands or not?

I'm sorry for everyone's suffering- it truly is heart-wrenching.

 

I have read most of this thread and am so deepy sorry for your suffering, Lucero.  When I started communicating with you a while back I felt sad that you said so little.  I am pleased that you can now tell us more.  I get the real sense that your suffering is much more than just benzo withdrawal.  I don't know how bad your childhood was or whether it is possible for you to recover from that but I do know that extreme deprivation can have lifelong consequences.  I don't know if your circumstances were extreme or not.

 

And of course it is important to be understood.  That is why many of us are here.  We all crave love and understanding.

 

You have spent your life looking for some sort of security that many of us just take for granted because it is just there inside us. We learn to have it as children. I can understand that the potential loss of your possessions may be very threatening to you if they represent "security" in the absence of any feelings of emotional security.

 

Coming back to the drugs.  I was a normal, healthy young woman apart from having epilepsy.  I took nitrazepam for 40 years and felt ALONE every single day.  I went to work, socialised etc but that feeling never left me.  Since stopping the nitrazepam I have NEVER felt alone despite living alone, being housebound and being too ill for visitors.  I could only recall the "BAD" things in my childhood, the unhappy memories.  Now of course I remember the warmth and love I received. Nitrazepam did that to me.

 

If only you can get off the drugs and find out what YOU really feel.  These drugs cut us off from our own feelings, our real feelings.  I can understand that you are TERRIFIED of finding the real you, in case you are still that terrified child.  However, it is just possible you might not be.  During my 40 years of depression, doctors said all sorts of things about me. I was immature, I did not want to face life.  One doctor said I had to learn to love other people.  Well, how can you love other people when you can't actually feel your own emotions. One doctor blamed my mother for being over protective, another blamed the traumatic departure of my big sister from home when I was 8.  I never really believed these theories completely but when you are depressed and can't function, they do have a very negative impact and you wonder if they are at least partly true.

 

I spent many years in a constant state of fear.  Fear of going out, fear of people, fear of being alone, so stayed in bed mostly.  As a recently married woman, my mum had to come and stay with me every day while my husband went to work.  I went into hospital and the fear continued. Fear of staff, patients.  Pure PARANOIA, it was HELL.  I also became aggressive and destructive of hospital property.

 

I was afraid of being alone, homeless, living on the streets - no idea why, as I had a home.

 

Anyway, I am simply telling you this because I had a normal childhood and went through all that hell for one reason only. NITRAZEPAM + the various A/Ds I was given.

 

When were you last drug free?

 

You have tried drugs, you have tried therapy for many years just as I did, for decades Now you think maybe the "perfect" therapy might just work, or the right type of doctor.  Or the right type of institution. I totally understand.  I spent decades of my life seeking the answer to my lifelong depression.  I assumed I would never find it.  I assumed I would die in old age still suffering from depression.  I used to joke I would have "None the b***** wiser" put on my gravestone.  I would have died still thinking it was "ME" - my genes, my upbringing, a chemical imbalance.

 

Now at age 60, I am emotionally 100% well.  I may be bedridden but I am that normal young woman again, the one I lost 40 years ago.  I also have 40 years more lifetime experience under my belt so do not have the worries/insecurities I had in my teens. Thank goodness.

 

It may well be that you do have deep seated psychological and emotional problems stemming from your childhood but until you get off the drugs you will never know if things could just maybe be different.  We don't know what your life has been so we can't judge whether your reactions to it are understandable or out of proportion.

 

Stop looking for the solution in doctors, therapists, drugs.  I don't mean to avoid doctors/therapists, but they may not have the answers you are looking for.  There is no perfect doctor/therapy as far as I can tell.

 

The solution may just be inside YOURSELF.

 

What do you have to lose?

 

And your problems may not be as deep-rooted as you fear.  You clearly believe there must be a solution as you keep looking for it although this may just be despair rather than hope. 

 

There is always hope, always. 

 

Hugs

 

LF 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Mo...]]

Great post F, you put my thoughts into words, awesome .

 

Lucero , thinking of you.....

[[lo...]]

Thanks, Claudia.

 

Hugs

 

LF 

[[Ch...]]

author=lookingforward link=topic=132628.msg1799526#msg1799526 date=1432367513]

 

I have read most of this thread and am so deepy sorry for your suffering, Lucero.  When I started communicating with you a while back I felt sad that you said so little.  I am pleased that you can now tell us more.  I get the real sense that your suffering is much more than just benzo withdrawal.  I don't know how bad your childhood was or whether it is possible for you to recover from that but I do know that extreme deprivation can have lifelong consequences.  I don't know if your circumstances were extreme or not.

 

And of course it is important to be understood.  That is why many of us are here.  We all crave love and understanding.

 

You have spent your life looking for some sort of security that many of us just take for granted because it is just there inside us. We learn to have it as children. I can understand that the potential loss of your possessions may be very threatening to you if they represent "security" in the absence of any feelings of emotional security.

 

Coming back to the drugs.  I was a normal, healthy young woman apart from having epilepsy.  I took nitrazepam for 40 years and felt ALONE every single day.  I went to work, socialised etc but that feeling never left me.  Since stopping the nitrazepam I have NEVER felt alone despite living alone, being housebound and being too ill for visitors.  I could only recall the "BAD" things in my childhood, the unhappy memories.  Now of course I remember the warmth and love I received. Nitrazepam did that to me.

 

If only you can get off the drugs and find out what YOU really feel.  These drugs cut us off from our own feelings, our real feelings.  I can understand that you are TERRIFIED of finding the real you, in case you are still that terrified child.  However, it is just possible you might not be.  During my 40 years of depression, doctors said all sorts of things about me. I was immature, I did not want to face life.  One doctor said I had to learn to love other people.  Well, how can you love other people when you can't actually feel your own emotions. One doctor blamed my mother for being over protective, another blamed the traumatic departure of my big sister from home when I was 8.  I never really believed these theories completely but when you are depressed and can't function, they do have a very negative impact and you wonder if they are at least partly true.

 

I spent many years in a constant state of fear.  Fear of going out, fear of people, fear of being alone, so stayed in bed mostly.  As a recently married woman, my mum had to come and stay with me every day while my husband went to work.  I went into hospital and the fear continued. Fear of staff, patients.  Pure PARANOIA, it was HELL.  I also became aggressive and destructive of hospital property.

 

I was afraid of being alone, homeless, living on the streets - no idea why, as I had a home.

 

Anyway, I am simply telling you this because I had a normal childhood and went through all that hell for one reason only. NITRAZEPAM + the various A/Ds I was given.

 

When were you last drug free?

 

You have tried drugs, you have tried therapy for many years just as I did, for decades Now you think maybe the "perfect" therapy might just work, or the right type of doctor.  Or the right type of institution. I totally understand.  I spent decades of my life seeking the answer to my lifelong depression.  I assumed I would never find it.  I assumed I would die in old age still suffering from depression.  I used to joke I would have "None the b***** wiser" put on my gravestone.  I would have died still thinking it was "ME" - my genes, my upbringing, a chemical imbalance.

 

Now at age 60, I am emotionally 100% well.  I may be bedridden but I am that normal young woman again, the one I lost 40 years ago.  I also have 40 years more lifetime experience under my belt so do not have the worries/insecurities I had in my teens. Thank goodness.

 

It may well be that you do have deep seated psychological and emotional problems stemming from your childhood but until you get off the drugs you will never know if things could just maybe be different.  We don't know what your life has been so we can't judge whether your reactions to it are understandable or out of proportion.

 

Stop looking for the solution in doctors, therapists, drugs.  I don't mean to avoid doctors/therapists, but they may not have the answers you are looking for.  There is no perfect doctor/therapy as far as I can tell.

 

The solution may just be inside YOURSELF.

 

What do you have to lose?

 

And your problems may not be as deep-rooted as you fear.  You clearly believe there must be a solution as you keep looking for it although this may just be despair rather than hope. 

 

There is always hope, always. 

 

Hugs

 

LF 

 

One of the most thoughtful and beautifully written posts I've read in the years I've been here. If someone wrote this to me I'd print it and read it over and over again.

[[lo...]]

Oh, Challis, you are so kind.

 

My cog fog cleared today for some reason. 

 

Hugs

 

LF 

[[th...]]

author=lookingforward link=topic=132628.msg1799526#msg1799526 date=1432367513]

 

I have read most of this thread and am so deepy sorry for your suffering, Lucero.  When I started communicating with you a while back I felt sad that you said so little.  I am pleased that you can now tell us more.  I get the real sense that your suffering is much more than just benzo withdrawal.  I don't know how bad your childhood was or whether it is possible for you to recover from that but I do know that extreme deprivation can have lifelong consequences.  I don't know if your circumstances were extreme or not.

 

And of course it is important to be understood.  That is why many of us are here.  We all crave love and understanding.

 

You have spent your life looking for some sort of security that many of us just take for granted because it is just there inside us. We learn to have it as children. I can understand that the potential loss of your possessions may be very threatening to you if they represent "security" in the absence of any feelings of emotional security.

 

Coming back to the drugs.  I was a normal, healthy young woman apart from having epilepsy.  I took nitrazepam for 40 years and felt ALONE every single day.  I went to work, socialised etc but that feeling never left me.  Since stopping the nitrazepam I have NEVER felt alone despite living alone, being housebound and being too ill for visitors.  I could only recall the "BAD" things in my childhood, the unhappy memories.  Now of course I remember the warmth and love I received. Nitrazepam did that to me.

 

If only you can get off the drugs and find out what YOU really feel.  These drugs cut us off from our own feelings, our real feelings.  I can understand that you are TERRIFIED of finding the real you, in case you are still that terrified child.  However, it is just possible you might not be.  During my 40 years of depression, doctors said all sorts of things about me. I was immature, I did not want to face life.  One doctor said I had to learn to love other people.  Well, how can you love other people when you can't actually feel your own emotions. One doctor blamed my mother for being over protective, another blamed the traumatic departure of my big sister from home when I was 8.  I never really believed these theories completely but when you are depressed and can't function, they do have a very negative impact and you wonder if they are at least partly true.

 

I spent many years in a constant state of fear.  Fear of going out, fear of people, fear of being alone, so stayed in bed mostly.  As a recently married woman, my mum had to come and stay with me every day while my husband went to work.  I went into hospital and the fear continued. Fear of staff, patients.  Pure PARANOIA, it was HELL.  I also became aggressive and destructive of hospital property.

 

I was afraid of being alone, homeless, living on the streets - no idea why, as I had a home.

 

Anyway, I am simply telling you this because I had a normal childhood and went through all that hell for one reason only. NITRAZEPAM + the various A/Ds I was given.

 

When were you last drug free?

 

You have tried drugs, you have tried therapy for many years just as I did, for decades Now you think maybe the "perfect" therapy might just work, or the right type of doctor.  Or the right type of institution. I totally understand.  I spent decades of my life seeking the answer to my lifelong depression.  I assumed I would never find it.  I assumed I would die in old age still suffering from depression.  I used to joke I would have "None the b***** wiser" put on my gravestone.  I would have died still thinking it was "ME" - my genes, my upbringing, a chemical imbalance.

 

Now at age 60, I am emotionally 100% well.  I may be bedridden but I am that normal young woman again, the one I lost 40 years ago.  I also have 40 years more lifetime experience under my belt so do not have the worries/insecurities I had in my teens. Thank goodness.

 

It may well be that you do have deep seated psychological and emotional problems stemming from your childhood but until you get off the drugs you will never know if things could just maybe be different.  We don't know what your life has been so we can't judge whether your reactions to it are understandable or out of proportion.

 

Stop looking for the solution in doctors, therapists, drugs.  I don't mean to avoid doctors/therapists, but they may not have the answers you are looking for.  There is no perfect doctor/therapy as far as I can tell.

 

The solution may just be inside YOURSELF.

 

What do you have to lose?

 

And your problems may not be as deep-rooted as you fear.  You clearly believe there must be a solution as you keep looking for it although this may just be despair rather than hope. 

 

There is always hope, always. 

 

Hugs

 

LF 

 

One of the most thoughtful and beautifully written posts I've read in the years I've been here. If someone wrote this to me I'd print it and read it over and over again.

Yes. Exactly!!! Very well said!