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[[Lu...]]

How many people have been like this their whole lives?

I am in deep despair. I am not a whiner. I just can't see a reason to move forward, because I feel so disconnected from humanity.

This is what trauma did to me- it is not hypochondria. I am terrified of the world.

with the lack of empathy and gang mentality on here, I can see why! I have had to live with this alone my whole life.

I still don't understand what game I am believed to be playing.

I explained how I let people down- and then do get "fired".

Because I do not feel basic security about being alive and alone. I lose it being alone. I was alone and it traumatized me as a child.

How is this hypochondria.

This world feels like a dominating battleground, and I am being crushed.

Do you think I want to feel so worthless?

Now the crowd is echoing that worthlessness- this is not winning. I am so lost.

I've never been able to create a home in my entire life. I want to leave this apt. but am so scared.

This is serious.

[[me...]]

How many people have been like this their whole lives?

I am in deep despair. I am not a whiner. I just can't see a reason to move forward, because I feel so disconnected from humanity.

This is what trauma did to me- it is not hypochondria. I am terrified of the world.

with the lack of empathy and gang mentality on here, I can see why! I have had to live with this alone my whole life.

 

Look, you have gotten an incredible amount of support here, which believe me, you wouldn't have been able to get anywhere else.  You post constantly and almost every single time you start a new thread you get copious support from our members.  Not only that, but priceless advice as well. Lack of empathy?  You must be joking. Come on!  You are getting great support here, you're getting it for FREE.  Just imagine how much a psychiatrist/counselor would charge you for this kind of advice...

[[Sn...]]

 

with the lack of empathy and gang mentality on here, I can see why!

 

Look, Lucero.

 

Comments like this enrage me.

 

You dare speak ill of the dozens of people who have reached out to you?

 

Do not pull that crap around here. Whine all you want; someone might come along that isn't worn out from all this.

 

But don't you dare speak badly of the people on this forum.

 

Lucero, I'm not kidding. Hold your tongue on that issue.

 

Snow

[[Lu...]]

I'm being told by some members that what I am saying is not true. It is true.

I've tried to explicate what is going on with me. I'm not OK.

Some members really hurt me deeply by not understanding what I go through.

Others; many others, have poured their hearts out with caring and advice.

I am always terrified when I am not understood. It makes me feel hopeless and so alone.

I am so scared of being on earth that I practically tiptoe around, and feel I have no right to be here.

Now I am in this new apt. with many people around, and I am so scared of being seen.

I hear kids playing- how can they feel so free. I am terrified.

That terror is running my life, and why I was prescribed benzos in the first place.

I never laugh. This is no life.

I just want to be loved- not made fun of or not believed. I really am scared.

This is the hardest thing ever- to continue to live after totally giving up and being in the hospital 2 months.

I had really lost it. I paced in 1 spot for about 48 hours, except to get water and use the bathroom.

This apt. is disgusting. I am isolated. My belongings are everywhere.

People can't handle my emotional state. They are not in it.

 

[[or...]]

C'mon Lucero. Many people have been kind to you and tried to help. This is not fair:

 

with the lack of empathy and gang mentality on here

 

In my experience people on this forum are kind and generous. They have been that way to me time and time again. Even when they do not feel well, they give -- their time, their experience, their opinions.

 

What a shabby thing to say about people who were only trying to help.

 

Okatz

[[Sn...]]

 

 

What a shabby thing to say about people who were only trying to help.

 

 

 

^ This.

[Guest [pu...]]

How many people have been like this their whole lives?

I am in deep despair. I am not a whiner. I just can't see a reason to move forward, because I feel so disconnected from humanity.

This is what trauma did to me- it is not hypochondria. I am terrified of the world.

with the lack of empathy and gang mentality on here, I can see why! I have had to live with this alone my whole life.

I still don't understand what game I am believed to be playing.

I explained how I let people down- and then do get "fired".

Because I do not feel basic security about being alive and alone. I lose it being alone. I was alone and it traumatized me as a child.

How is this hypochondria.

This world feels like a dominating battleground, and I am being crushed.

Do you think I want to feel so worthless?

Now the crowd is echoing that worthlessness- this is not winning. I am so lost.

I've never been able to create a home in my entire life. I want to leave this apt. but am so scared.

This is serious.

A "Gang mentality?" This statement is so audacious, it's laughable. Lucero, what your seeing are people laying down some boundaries and giving you honest  feedback as to why they want nothing to do with this thread.

 

OVER and OUT.

[[Ka...]]

Like I said at the beginning of this post, Lucero does not want help he wants attention.  Every time you post you are giving him exactly what he wants. 

[[or...]]

Kate, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Like purevida said: "Over and out".

 

Okatz

[[Ka...]]

Also, this thread will never die unless the mods remove it because he will keep on bumping it.  Maybe the mods could move it somewhere else, so we don't have to look at it all the time while trying to deal with withdrawal issues?  His personality disorder problems have nothing to do with withdrawal.  I see posts moved all the time.  Why is this one still here?

[[Lu...]]

I want help. That is why I am writing so much. I don't know how to get through my blocks.

These issues grow in intensity as I go through withdrawal.

I'd appreciate it if someone would comment on the life issues I have raised.

My issues are laid out.

I'm traumatized, and dealing with withdrawal. It hurts to have my problems labeled and to be turned away from.

These issues come to a head as I withdraw- that is why I raise them here.

And I have asked for a doctor to help with these issues.

This ill feeling some members have for this post is just one more disaster in my life.

I've poured my broken heart out here.

I realize the suggestion is to learn to self-care. I am having a big problem with that.

I see that some people have tried to relate to my traumas.

I feel like I am about to have a heart attack from this situation in my life.

I'm not eating, and trying to hold it together.

Where am I on earth, Why am I here?

I don't see boundaries being laid- I see not being understood. I am crying, not whining.

If you want nothing to do with this thread, ask yourself why?

Is it too disturbing? Is my pain so repugnant? This is real despair, folks. It is very raw.

I believe some withdrawal symptoms have these issues underlying them.

This is of benefit to the community.

I look around and I don't see "personality problems"- I see my disastrous life, and me, in the rubble, on klonopin,

trying to find a way out.

I like all of you- why is it so difficult to get a discussion going about what I wrote?

The comments about what I write have tapered off as I have become more detailed.

There is no comfort in this prison- I am reaching out.

This is a never ending hell for me- I don't mean to make it a never ending thread.

I have trouble with the suggestions, so I write more.

If anyone wants to, please PM me. I am lost right now, and in trouble.

I really don't understand the sentiment of wanting nothing to do with this thread.

That strikes me as turning away. I can't force empathy on anyone....I am asking those who have empathy to help me with what I am going through. I don't think it's attention seeking that I'm doing- it's difficult problem solving.

This thread wouldn't be so long if I wasn't begging for help continuously.

I think people are repulsed by someone in such a boxed-in situation.

 

 

 

[[be...]]

Also, this thread will never die unless the mods remove it because he will keep on bumping it.  Maybe the mods could move it somewhere else, so we don't have to look at it all the time while trying to deal with withdrawal issues?  His personality disorder problems have nothing to do with withdrawal.  I see posts moved all the time.  Why is this one still here?

 

Mods, is this possible? Not removing, but if you read through, really has nothing to do with tapering.  Can it be moved to depression board or something?  Even blocking, it still is screamy, at the top? Please!? I think it may help a lot of us, maybe lucero too.

God, you guys are horrible! if you're all so tortured by this thread why do you keep jumping on here and commenting? If you want to leave it alone why not just leave it alone? Why do you have to come here and say you're sick of it, over and out! No one is forced to read anything. You don't own this space. If it bugs you, leave it alone and move on. What a bunch of whiney brats!

[[th...]]

Ok everyone. If you don't want to be a part of this thread than just move on.  Lucero has every right to make whatever pleas and comments he wants. He can keep asking for help if he wants. Then each bb can decide for themselves if they want to be a part of his thread. It's ok to just move on if you don't have anything helpful to add.

 

Lucero,

I wrote to you once and I am pretty sure none of my words registered with you. As with many other bbs, we have already given you our best advice and there just isn't anything else to say besides we really think you need on the ground help. This forum and the people here are not capable of handling your situation. I don't think there is anything we can do for you. I am sorry you are so tortured. I do hope you can find the help you need.

 

Grinch

[[Mo...]]

Also, this thread will never die unless the mods remove it because he will keep on bumping it.  Maybe the mods could move it somewhere else, so we don't have to look at it all the time while trying to deal with withdrawal issues?  His personality disorder problems have nothing to do with withdrawal.  I see posts moved all the time.  Why is this one still here?

 

Mods, is this possible? Not removing, but if you read through, really has nothing to do with tapering.  Can it be moved to depression board or something?  Even blocking, it still is screamy, at the top? Please!? I think it may help a lot of us, maybe lucero too.

God, you guys are horrible! if you're all so tortured by this thread why do you keep jumping on here and commenting? If you want to leave it alone why not just leave it alone? Why do you have to come here and say you're sick of it, over and out! No one is forced to read anything. You don't own this space. If it bugs you, leave it alone and move on. What a bunch of whiney brats!

 

Hi, although you stated in your introduction to have been reading

BB as a guest for some years.....you can't possibly know what this

is all about.

 

Why not give Lucero your advise ? Just try it ? Who knows,

you might end up being one of those whiney brats yourself....

[[Lu...]]

No matter how much I try to explain my situation and condition, I get painted as resistant. I cannot believe anyone, in good conscience, would not actually read what I wrote- see its sincerity, and its desperation, and just see me as not taking advice.

This amounts to kicking someone when they are down. Everyone has a history that precedes taking benzos, and I see how mine plays a part in my withdrawal symptoms.

But I can't fight city hall. City hall will always crush you with its power.

[[Mo...]]

No matter how much I try to explain my situation and condition, I get painted as resistant. I cannot believe anyone, in good conscience, would not actually read what I wrote- see its sincerity, and its desperation, and just see me as not taking advice.

This amounts to kicking someone when they are down. Everyone has a history that precedes taking benzos, and I see how mine plays a part in my withdrawal symptoms.

But I can't fight city hall. City hall will always crush you with its power.

 

Lucero, it breaks my heart seeing you in a state like this. Tell us what to do

please. What do expect us to say , which hasn't been said so many time...before.

 

[[Lu...]]

Well, Morreweg, I would ask you, since you are speaking for yourself, to read what I go through, and if any ideas come to mind, to let me know.

That's all I can ask.

I don't want to die or go to a long term institution or be cold turkeyed again.

There is virtually no stability in my life.

I ask that my posts be read and understood.

I am still looking for a doctor before it is too late.

Thank you for trying.

[[Mo...]]

Well, Morreweg, I would ask you, since you are speaking for yourself, to read what I go through, and if any ideas come to mind, to let me know.

That's all I can ask.

I don't want to die or go to a long term institution or be cold turkeyed again.

There is virtually no stability in my life.

I ask that my posts be read and understood.

I am still looking for a doctor before it is too late.

Thank you for trying.

 

Lucero, I think all the people here have read your posts , I myself read them

over and over again. See people giving you some concrete advise....

like MindSeeker for example.

 

I did my best to search for a Doctor in your area, remember ?

 

Its such a complicated situation I know that, but somehow I think

you have to try and push yourself a bit, make a start.....

however hard it may be.......

 

Giving up shouldn't be on the menu Lucero, must fight......

please please do it.....I'm so sure you can succeed.

 

[[Lu...]]

Many people have given me concrete advice, and I really am grateful.

It's the intricacies of my psyche that I am stuck working with.

That is what I had hoped to be understood.

[[Mo...]]

Many people have given me concrete advice, and I really am grateful.

It's the intricacies of my psyche that I am stuck working with.

That is what I had hoped to be understood.

 

From what I've seen here this has been understood alright.

The fact that you describe it this way...gives me hope....shows you

are intelligent. Now you have to find a way to get your brain working

in the right direction again. Won't happen from one day to another....

Baby steps....!

 

I think MindSeeker has excellent knowledge in regards to medication...

how to stabilize etc. I would ask her for advise ....

 

There must be a way out for you....

[Guest [Mi...]]

Many people have given me concrete advice, and I really am grateful.

It's the intricacies of my psyche that I am stuck working with.

That is what I had hoped to be understood.

 

It might help to actually know more about you.

 

Did you have a job before you went into the hospital?

 

 

[[Lu...]]

I don't think anyone has really paid attention to the long list of external stressors occurring right now in my life.

But why would I expect that of strangers?

I can't believe I'm accused of playing a game here.

People push themselves, I understand that; but it is too much for me.

I feel crushed by life and circumstances.

Money makes things easier for everyone- that is the truth.

A big truth.

[[Su...]]

You have actually cut your K from 2 mgs in Jan to .75.  That is quite a bit.  1.25 mgs in 4 months.

 

Flicka!!

 

You nailed it.  This is what I have been thinking about Lucero's current state.  I think he is in desperate acute withdrawal and needs to go back up to stabilize.  Also to cross over to Valium for a more steady landing.  I am much more stable at the moment but I understand his circling, perpetual despair.  He is in a chemical landslide and needs help.  I have been trying to help him with doctors as I live in his area.  Most are out of network and hence, unaffordable for him.  I agree that he must push through his symptoms and try and accomplish something each day but I also know how severely sick this can make you where its sincerely hard to function. 

 

H

[[Lu...]]

I'm screwing everything up- I can see the bigger picture and I am still screwing up. I can't stop myself...or won't.

and other people will take the opportunities that I have forsaken.

Can anyone reply?

This is real life, and I am doing this.

[[Ch...]]

Hi Lucero,

 

I'm here reading.  We're all sorry for your situation, but nearly everyone here is struggling with their own demons as well.

You are the only one who can change this.  We all are the only ones who can change things for ourselves.

 

Challis