Find a NY Doctor- NEW INFO

[[be...]]

The doctor can't be counted on to continue the prescription or taper me off gradually. The doctor was looking for reasons to poly-drug me or updose what I am taking,

 

If he wants to updose you, then take those scripts, don't tell him you want to taper, taking your regular amount, not the updose amount, and taper by yourself. IMO, you will not get better until you are off the drug. It may be a hard ride, but then again, for you now, this ride you are on is also very hard. You will continue to be this way until you are off and this begin to heal. Do you want to be miserable for the rest of your life? I appreciate the fact that you are broke and can't afford to pay out of pocket. Unfortunately, most good pdocs do not accept insurance. Mine doesn't. They don't need to. Mine has a mile long line of people who want to see him, but his practise has been closed for five years. I was super lucky to get him to agree to see me. Lots of begging on my part.

Bets

[[Lu...]]

Hi Benzogirl-Bets,

I'm afraid the first prescription to go will be the klonopin, and that the doctor will want to increase the nortryptyline, which there is a blood level test they use to see therapeutic level. The doctor wanted to increase at my last visit  but I asked to keep things the way they are.

That's what they did at the day program- they took my blood the first day- since I could see where that was headed, I didn't continue with that program- which was also a rehab, so I could see they wouldn't renew my klonopin prescription.

That's why I am looking for another doctor.

Thank you so much for replying. I wish I had the money to see someone privately.

Just to be clear- I don't expect an updose on the klonopin- I expect an updose of other medications, and an elimination of the klonopin.

[[Sn...]]

The doctor can't be counted on to continue the prescription or taper me off gradually. The doctor was looking for reasons to poly-drug me or updose what I am taking,

 

If he wants to updose you, then take those scripts, don't tell him you want to taper, taking your regular amount, not the updose amount, and taper by yourself. IMO, you will not get better until you are off the drug. It may be a hard ride, but then again, for you now, this ride you are on is also very hard. You will continue to be this way until you are off and this begin to heal. Do you want to be miserable for the rest of your life? I appreciate the fact that you are broke and can't afford to pay out of pocket. Unfortunately, most good pdocs do not accept insurance. Mine doesn't. They don't need to. Mine has a mile long line of people who want to see him, but his practise has been closed for five years. I was super lucky to get him to agree to see me. Lots of begging on my part.

Bets

 

I just wanted to jump in a sec and say, "GEEZ! You have a huge, amazing heart!!" I admire you, Bets, a lot.

 

Love,

 

Snow 

[[Lu...]]

I agree: you both have amazing hearts!

I am freezing up and going crazy and can't seem to pull myself together to do anything- so I hide, and things get worse.

That's the problem- I'm in it so deep that I give up- and no one supports my giving up.

It's anti- life.

I'm not eating. This apt. has bedbugs.

I can't handle taking care of myself....

My identity is lost- I am not grounded in reality.

No one can save me if I don't pull it together- the world is so scary.

I'm so far away from being a human being with connection with others.

Just hiding....not good at all.

 

[[Lu...]]

worse situation today- lack of eating is becoming dire, and I may alienate a lot of people today with my behavior. I just want to hide- I feel too weak to cope. I feel like this is the end.I want to hide in my closet..

I don't believe in myself at all.

This is disastrous- I may end up inpatient today, and lose so much. I'm serious.

Can anyone say anything?

Help!

I need on the ground help- how has my life come to this?

How do you people deal with life's circumstances when so many of you sound unable?

You must have help...someone to do things for you.

the landlord is about to tow my friend's van. I can't park it on the street because the tags are not correct in the windshield.

It spews exhaust fumes and raw gas smell when I drive it.

How do people deal with things like this during withdrawal?

I feel like running, screaming,...

How do people do laundry, take out garbage, clean house?

I've never known a person as pathetic as me.

I've made a mess of everything: every relationship- everything.

I want to run to anyone that will take care of me, but there is no one, or place.

Thunderstorms may begin at 5:30- if I leave my apt. and return the van, I may get stuck in the middle of nowhere getting rained on.

Too much fear!

No perspective on anything- stuck in my own head and mess.

Everything I do, I do wrong....

[[Lu...]]

Everything is a mess! I am just one person- how can it be such a mess?

I guess the world is a mess!

My mess is barely relevant to yours, but has a ripple effect, if anything at all.

I don't understand how to live..

I'm trapped in this cage, and alienating everyone, and literally starving.

Nobody wants to deal with me, obviously.

I feel like I will be destroyed because of my desecration of life.

Has anyone ever been in this situation?

[[Sn...]]

Lucero,

 

It seems like you are escalating and escalating your descriptions to get someone to answer you. The problem is, everyone has poured their HEARTS out to you, to no avail.

 

I'll just be honest with you, Lucero. Have you ever heard of the little boy who cried, "Wolf!"?

 

Because I think it's starting to sound like that. I'm not saying you're not suffering. I'm saying you are so SURE your suffering is soooooooo much worse than everyone else's, that you've built a wall no one wants to even try to knock down.

 

For goodness' sake! You think it's terrible you're alllllll alone. You know what? I think you're dead wrong. I'm NOT alone. And every single, godforsaken day I have to look in the eyes of the man and children I have FAILED, the ones standing by my side, getting nothing from me but endless complaints. I WISH I were by myself, and no one could see or suffer from the disgrace that I've become.

 

INSTEAD I get my aching, shaky body up every day and try, as hard as I can, to put SOMEONE'S needs ahead of my own, even for a little bit, if I can.

 

How on earth can anyone help you? You WIN! No one is suffering as badly as you; no one understands QUITE what you're going through; your very humanity is different, somehow, from allllll of ours.

 

Does that make you feel better? NO!

 

Stop this. Freaking stop it. Let someone help you, for God's sake, before everyone abandons you.

 

I'm serious. We're all living on a ledge, here. Take what is given to you, and be THANKFUL for it.

 

People are HURTING here, and they have been for a hell of a lot longer than you have. And they're STILL trying to help you.

 

Please stop this manipulative stuff, and get involved for real. No one is playing games here; we're all fighting for our lives. KNOW THAT, and appreciate these dozen-or-so PAGES of support you've received.

 

Go ahead and report me. I don't care. I'll report myself.

 

I'm not trying to be ugly; I'm honestly trying to SHAKE you, so you can wake up to what's going on here. I'm trying, feeble as it may be, to help.

 

 

Snow

[[or...]]

Snowstorm, I don't find anything in your post that is report-worthy.

 

I would hope that Lucero takes it to heart. Many people have tried, for many, many days to help Lucero, but they are not getting through. This can only be for one reason: Lucero really doesn't want help. He simply wants to talk about how much he's suffering and how different he is from everyone else.

 

Lucero, you are not different from everyone else. As Snow said, we are all suffering here.

 

Do you think everyone else is a member of some alien race? Better, stronger, smarter, braver, more capable than you? As I said to one of our BBs a while ago, we're all just scared little katzes here. We hate what is happening to us. But we get up, shower, put on our clothes, and go forth into the world. We have to. There are jobs to be held, bills to be paid, pets to be fed, families' needs to be taken care of, responsibilities to be met. We are not comfortable, or sometimes even well, doing these things, but we do them.

 

You have pushed away all the help that people here have offered you. You are a "Yes-Butter". What's that? Someone who says "Yes, I understand what you're saying but I can't do it for a,b,c,x,y,z reasons. I am just so different from you."

 

NO YOU AREN'T.

 

You've been offered oodles of help and advice and hand-holding. But you are still saying the same thing. You're different. No one understands you. You still want to hide in your closet.

 

Well, here's a suggestion: listen to what the people trying to help you are saying. Really listen. Stop being  a Yes Butter.

 

Do one thing to help yourself today. You will feel better about yourself. I promise you, you will.

 

 

 

 

[[Lu...]]

Dear Snow,

First of all, thank you for taking the time to reply. I know it takes a lot to do that. I am rarely able.

I'm not crying "Wolf". This is a huge mess, and I am terrified.

This is not manipulation: I see the course of events unfolding in a disastrous way. I'm asking for help

to stop the catastrophe of multiple messes.

People have tried to help me- but I am so scared of everything that I hide.

I have failed with opportunities because things aren't the way that makes sense to me. I'm confused.

Your reaction is common to everyone in my life.

The frustration and anger are so strong that I am scared to face them.

And the situations I describe are real and adding up to major disasters. I am frozen.

All I see is terror coming at me.

I pace back and forth, frozen about what move to make.

I feel vulnerable (I am) and unable to "get a grip".

I don't know how to survive like other people. It's so scary.

I am lost in a way that I think isnot normal.

 

[[Lu...]]

oregonkatz:

I really don't feel like I am like other people.

How many people have been hiding into their 40's?

It's that hiding that I've tried to understand, and which separates me form others,

because they don't have that overpowering urge to hide like I do.

I'm crazy, and have been my whole life, and it scares me, because it lands me in hospitals,

and on medications.

I feel like such a failure.

Things just don't make sense to me.

That's why I am a "yes-butter".

As far as not wanting to get better- I can't picture it. it just doesn't make sense to be....

How can I not be this way? It has become my identity- I don't know who there is beyond this crisis,

beyond the mess, beyond the fear.

That makes me feel that I belong in a long term institution, because of inability to cope.

I never feel stable. No identity.

Can anyone understand this?

This is where people give up- not because I am not listening (which is their perception),

but really because they don't understand.

Which is so terrifying and completely alone for me.

Please make this make sense! I am going crazy!

[[Sn...]]

Snowstorm, I don't find anything in your post that is report-worthy.

 

I would hope that Lucero takes it to heart. Many people have tried, for many, many days to help Lucero, but they are not getting through. This can only be for one reason: Lucero really doesn't want help. He simply wants to talk about how much he's suffering and how different he is from everyone else.

 

Lucero, you are not different from everyone else. As Snow said, we are all suffering here.

 

Do you think everyone else is a member of some alien race? Better, stronger, smarter, braver, more capable than you? As I said to one of our BBs a while ago, we're all just scared little katzes here. We hate what is happening to us. But we get up, shower, put on our clothes, and go forth into the world. We have to. There are jobs to be held, bills to be paid, pets to be fed, families' needs to be taken care of, responsibilities to be met. We are not comfortable, or sometimes even well, doing these things, but we do them.

 

You have pushed away all the help that people here have offered you. You are a "Yes-Butter". What's that? Someone who says "Yes, I understand what you're saying but I can't do it for a,b,c,x,y,z reasons. I am just so different from you."

 

NO YOU AREN'T.

 

You've been offered oodles of help and advice and hand-holding. But you are still saying the same thing. You're different. No one understands you. You still want to hide in your closet.

 

Well, here's a suggestion: listen to what the people trying to help you are saying. Really listen. Stop being  a Yes Butter.

 

Do one thing to help yourself today. You will feel better about yourself. I promise you, you will.

 

Katz, in the words of one of my BB heroes,     

[[Sn...]]

Dear Snow,

First of all, thank you for taking the time to reply. I know it takes a lot to do that. I am rarely able.

I'm not crying "Wolf". This is a huge mess, and I am terrified.

This is not manipulation: I see the course of events unfolding in a disastrous way. I'm asking for help

to stop the catastrophe of multiple messes.

People have tried to help me- but I am so scared of everything that I hide.

I have failed with opportunities because things aren't the way that makes sense to me. I'm confused.

Your reaction is common to everyone in my life.

The frustration and anger are so strong that I am scared to face them.

And the situations I describe are real and adding up to major disasters. I am frozen.

All I see is terror coming at me.

I pace back and forth, frozen about what move to make.

I feel vulnerable (I am) and unable to "get a grip".

I don't know how to survive like other people. It's so scary.

I am lost in a way that I think isnot normal.

 

Lucero, why the hell do you believe no one else feels this way? That infuriates me. DOZENS of people have told you they do; I HAVE TOLD YOU THAT!

 

The difference is, you keep wanting someone to fix this for you, like my kids wanted me to fix stuff for them when they were two.

 

None of us CAN fix anything for you. We can care. We can smack you upside the head. We can leave. That's all we can do.

 

Besides, we're all very sick! I'm mad at you for asking all these brave people to do for you what you won't do for yourself! Freaking, I have to do it! So do all these others! SO DO YOU.

 

OBVIOUSLY, dozens of people are standing by, ready to help. If you want help, be specific. What can we do to help you?

 

But no one can fix this. No one but YOU.

 

When are you going to start tapering? That's what this forum is for, and lots of people can help with that.

 

There are no Saviors here. You're gonna have to look to the heavens for one of those.

 

We're just humans, trying to lend each other a hand.

 

Snow

[[or...]]

When are you going to start tapering? That's what this forum is for, and lots of people can help with that.

 

There are no Saviors here. You're gonna have to look to the heavens for one of those.

 

We're just humans, trying to lend each other a hand.

 

Snow

 

Amen to that. Lucero?

 

Okatz

[[Lu...]]

I'm traumatized. If you aren't sympathetic, it is my loss, because I need understanding.

Anything I did I felt didn't matter to my family growing up, and so I gave up on responsibilities and

a lot of self-care. If you're rolling your eyes and sick of me and my so-called excuses, I'm sorry.

This has been my life.

I hid and I hid through grade school and beyond. I never felt like what I did mattered.

Now when I have responsibilities, I can't be counted on.

It hurts to be held accountable to others when I just want to be loved.

Being accountable to the world is something that, when tested, can turn into anger and rejection.

The love I am stuck on would not have a door slamming in my face, or abandonment like happened to me

with my family.

And when I am given responsibilities, I screw them up, because the situation makes me terrified of losing love.

While I was typing this 2 replies came in.

I am tapering, accidentally.

I am looking for a savior. I've made quite a mess.

And then I do lose the people who I am responsible to.

I desperately long for the family I never had. That's what I see others having- some bonds that I don't.

Snow- you wrote a whole list of people who let you down.

I can't be trusted is what I show people, and they leave. And then I am a stranger on earth.

Every one who tries to help me gets the same treatment, so that they turn into rejectors.

Because no one can replace the family that wasn't there for me way back when.

And then I am a stranger- alienated.

And the stressors in my life become life and death. I don't expect to make it at this point.

I am starving myself, and have made a huge mess.

Yes, Snow, it is like a two year old.

I am jealous of everone's people in their lives. I want a home. I have pushed everyone away.

I get hostile. I get nasty. And then look with envy at others' lives.

If you took the time to read this, thank you.

 

[[Lu...]]

I don't act responsibly because I get angry at the other people for not making me feel safe in this world.

This is extreme- everything is too much for me to handle now.

I'm afraid I am going to die from this.

I'm not eating much at all.

My home is ripped apart from being forced to move, into 3 places, and I can't adjust to my new place at all.

It makes no sense to me where I am and why I am here. I am displaced. I LOST MY HOME. I have been rejected from my old place, and the community I was in since the early '90's. How can I get beyond this anger at the world and have a reason to live, and a reason to taper successfully?

I'm making people very angry with my behavior- to the point of even death or potential violence.

Then I hate anyone who has rejected me, and end up hating the whole world.

I know I've gone off the deep end with this thread- I am off the deep end.

I want to see a way out of this lifetime pattern. When I worked, freelance, I hated when the job was over and I got paid,

because I was abandoned.

Please don't reject me. I'm so sick, typing these words into space.

The more I type, the more I think I'm alienating everyone.

Probably all everyone hears is I,I,I.

Well, one more "I"- I just want to find a home and never leave it- to lay down in relief, finally...a person to take care of me- to finally belong.

That's what got me in trouble with benzos, and keeps me there.

Anyone left?

Please, if anyone is willing to hear more and help me, let me know and I will private message. I want to keep writing, because I'm trying to sort all this out, and need to to stay alive. There's so much more to say. Please.

[[me...]]

I don't act responsibly because I get angry at the other people for not making me feel safe in this world.

This is extreme- everything is too much for me to handle now.

I'm afraid I am going to die from this.

I'm not eating much at all.

How can I get beyond this anger at the world and have a reason to live, and a reason to taper successfully?

I'm making people very angry with my behavior- to the point of even serious trouble.

I know I've gone off the deep end with this thread- I am off the deep end.

I want to see a way out of this lifetime pattern. When I worked, freelance, I hated when the job was over and I got paid,

because I was abandoned.

I'm sick. does anyone understand this?

Please don't reject me. I'm so sick, typing these words into space.

 

Lucero, some things are beyond the scope of this forum.  Remember that we are not trained therapists, and not only that, most of us are going through great difficulties ourselves.  We are sick and suffering too, in many cases as much or more than you are. Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps you expect too much of other people?  In this world, most of us generally have to accomplish things on our own.  Many if not most people had less than ideal childhoods, some absolutely awful ones. No one comes along and "rescues" us.  Expecting that to happen is just setting yourself up for disappointment. At some point, you are going to have to change your expectations of others, or you will continue to be disappointed in life.  Reality doesn't change just because we don't like it.  Reality is what it is.

[[Sn...]]

I don't act responsibly because I get angry at the other people for not making me feel safe in this world.

This is extreme- everything is too much for me to handle now.

I'm afraid I am going to die from this.

I'm not eating much at all.

How can I get beyond this anger at the world and have a reason to live, and a reason to taper successfully?

I'm making people very angry with my behavior- to the point of even serious trouble.

I know I've gone off the deep end with this thread- I am off the deep end.

I want to see a way out of this lifetime pattern. When I worked, freelance, I hated when the job was over and I got paid,

because I was abandoned.

Please don't reject me. I'm so sick, typing these words into space.

The more I type, the more I think I'm alienating everyone.

Probably all everyone heres is I,I,I.

Well, one more "I"- I just want to find a home and never leave it- to lay down in relief, finally...

That's what got me in trouble with benzos, and keeps me there.

Anyone left?

 

Yup. I'm here, but you're not gonna like it.

 

Your rejection story hooked me, but I no longer believe you. I would put my story up against yours any day. Everything you claim? Been there. I gave you a list, dammit, of people who REJECTED me, not "let me down" as you said. That list was 1/4th of what I could have listed. By name. Not to mention my family!

 

I just now realized, though: as a sufferer of profound rejection, I am hyper-sensitive to rejection. Like, people can say,"Hi," and I will interpret it as rejection. I'm not kidding.

 

There is NO WAY someone who has been to these depths of pain could keep coming on a random board, demanding people take pity on him.

 

Those of us who've been rejected ... in our very souls? ... could never in a million years keep doing what you're doing on this board.

 

I love these people. If you're using them, God help you.

 

I no longer believe you. I would have deleted my account at the first hint of being ignored, even if it was only because it took a long time for an answer. That's because I'm so sensitive to rejection, as you claim you are.

 

Nothing stops you. You demand people give you things NO ONE here can give you.

 

I'm gone, Lucero. I really did care, and God knows, I tried.

 

If you ever actually do decide you are here for help tapering benzos, let me know. I'd be happy to help.

 

But right now? I feel used.

 

Snow

 

[Guest [pu...]]

I don't act responsibly because I get angry at the other people for not making me feel safe in this world.

This is extreme- everything is too much for me to handle now.

I'm afraid I am going to die from this.

I'm not eating much at all.

How can I get beyond this anger at the world and have a reason to live, and a reason to taper successfully?

I'm making people very angry with my behavior- to the point of even serious trouble.

I know I've gone off the deep end with this thread- I am off the deep end.

I want to see a way out of this lifetime pattern. When I worked, freelance, I hated when the job was over and I got paid,

because I was abandoned.

Please don't reject me. I'm so sick, typing these words into space.

The more I type, the more I think I'm alienating everyone.

Probably all everyone heres is I,I,I.

Well, one more "I"- I just want to find a home and never leave it- to lay down in relief, finally...

That's what got me in trouble with benzos, and keeps me there.

Anyone left?

 

Yup. I'm here, but you're not gonna like it.

 

Your rejection story hooked me, but I no longer believe you. I would put my story up against yours any day. Everything you claim? Been there. I gave you a list, dammit, of people who REJECTED me, not "let me down" as you said. That list was 1/4th of what I could have listed. By name. Not to mention my family!

 

I just now realized, though: as a sufferer of profound rejection, I am hyper-sensitive to rejection. Like, people can say,"Hi," and I will interpret it as rejection. I'm not kidding.

 

There is NO WAY someone who has been to these depths of pain could keep coming on a random board, demanding people take pity on him.

 

Those of us who've been rejected ... in our very souls? ... could never in a million years keep doing what you're doing on this board.

 

I love these people. If you're using them, God help you.

 

I no longer believe you. My soul is broken and rejected. That little-girl soul could NEVER come back like you have after having received no replies after a day or two to a desperate post. I would have deleted my account at the first hint of being ignored, even if it was only because it took a long time for an answer. That's because I'm so sensitive to rejection, as you claim you are.

 

Nothing stops you. You demand people give you things NO ONE here can give you.

 

I'm gone, Lucero. I really did care, and God knows, I tried.

 

If you ever actually do decide you are here for help tapering benzos, let me know. I'd be happy to help.

 

But right now? I feel used.

 

Snow

Lucero, the game is up. I think everyone now can see right through you. You know exactly what to say to get a reaction from people. I have never seen a thread get this much attention! And for what? You're expectations of what this forum can offer are, quite frankly, delusional. I have had moments of panic and feeling totally frozen as well. One thing I can tell you though, in my experience with debilitating panic attacks, the LAST thing I am able to do is post paragraph after paragraph, min after min on a thread.

 

I too find it insulting, that you continue to have a total lack of regard for other people here. this is not your personal crisis hotline. If you are as helpless and non-functioning as you claim to be, then maybe long term institutionalization maybe something to consider. I am confused as to why you're on this forum, as I have yet to read anything from you, in regards to tapering. It appears to me, almost like you are praying on others vulnerability for you're own self serving purposes. That is absolutely not ok. People are sick and struggling on here and their first priority should be their own well being and recovery. 

[[Lu...]]

This is no game. I am desperate. Everything is true. I am not praying on any of you. I am stuck in my apt. and have been. My panic is constant. How could this not be true??? I don't get it.

My response to rejection is to be terrified. Everything I have written and experience is true.

And long term institutionalization would kill me. Talk about cold turkey- that would be a disaster.

Believe me, if you are reacting to my words, then that is my intent. I am trying to be as articulate as possible to be heard.

It is all true. It took the KEY people in my early life to make me this way.

Snow, if you are out there, please understand that all this is true. I reject first, and make people hate me.

I can understand how you would react- this is my reaction.

Frankly, I am not surprised to be accused of making this up (it's hard to believe anyone has lived this way), and simultaneously being told to go get warehoused.

I'm lying and I should be put away?

That's what I am hoping to avoid.

And all of this does relate to tapering, because I am tapering, and these are the desperate emotions that I know will be intensified the more I taper.

It is incredibly frustrating to be told I am lying. It's totally alienating.

My hope is compassion and a way out of this mess. The stressors in my life are huge right now.

The truth is ugly, but it is my truth.

Thank G*d I am not in the shape I was in during rapid withdrawal- blood pressure sky high and no sleep and major temperature fluctuations.

 

[[Lu...]]

I think it is very mean to say that I am lying and preying on people.

My life is basically one constant, timeless state of fear, with no relief.

And I have garbage bags full of my belongings on the floor of this horrible apt. that is full of pesticides and bugs,

while other stuff may be lost at my old place, where I came back to from rapid detox over a year ago to burst pipes in the garage, and never cleaned it up. 20 years worth of construction equipment. I look around at the bags and am terrified of my life.

Where is that stuff going to go?

These are my stressors. That is what I am writing about here. I don't know how to cope. Everything has fallen apart.

I feel like I haven't written about even half of what's going on in these posts.

I am that desperate that I am still writing, Snow, even after being told I am lying.

What do people think I am getting out of this? How is this using people? I am tortured- I know no peace.

I am incapable of intimate relationships because of all this.

How am I ever going to get off benzos?

Every day could be my last day before institutionalization. Try that on as a stressor.

And you know what, I am posting here instead of eating. It is that important to me to get help with this.

Nobody understands this in my life. If it was a physical illness it would make sense.

This is what happened to me- I isolated, and hated the world, and now I am presenting this to be healed, somehow.

To be sent to an institution would be wrong.

I don't mean to hurt anyone- it is my anger at the world that I need to heal. Anger at my own perceived inferiority- anger at not being taken seriously. Something went horribly wrong with me. People come to me with help, but I am so angry.

And Snow, any person I am with I think feels that I am not good enough- that's my version of rejection.

[Guest [Mi...]]

I think it is very mean to say that I am lying and preying on people.

My life is basically one constant, timeless state of fear, with no relief.

And I have garbage bags full of my belongings on the floor of this horrible apt. that is full of pesticides and bugs,

while other stuff may be lost at my old place, where I came back to from rapid detox over a year ago to burst pipes in the garage, and never cleaned it up. 20 years worth of construction equipment. I look around at the bags and am terrified of my life.

Where is that stuff going to go?

These are my stressors. That is what I am writing about here. I don't know how to cope. Everything has fallen apart.

I feel like I haven't written about even half of what's going on in these posts.

I am that desperate that I am still writing, Snow, even after being told I am lying.

What do people think I am getting out of this? How is this using people? I am tortured- I know no peace.

I am incapable of intimate relationships because of all this.

How am I ever going to get off benzos?

Every day could be my last day before institutionalization. Try that on as a stressor.

And you know what, I am posting here instead of eating. It is that important to me to get help with this.

Nobody understands this in my life. If it was a physical illness it would make sense.

This is what happened to me- I isolated, and hated the world, and now I am presenting this to be healed, somehow.

To be sent to an institution would be wrong.

 

I was hospitalized at 17 and again at 20 and then again at 21. I've avoided these hell holes for the past 26 years and have no interest in returning and losing my precious freedom.

 

The best way to stay out of hospitals is to learn to take care of yourself.

 

We've give you step-by-step advice but you're simply not willing or not able to do it.

 

If you're not willing, then that's on you. If you're not able to,  than what other option is there but a hospital?

 

 

[[Sn...]]

 

I am that desperate that I am still writing, Snow, even after being told I am lying.

 

 

Who said you were lying?

 

I definitely didn't. I said I don't believe you.

 

Please don't put words in my mouth.

 

Snow

[[Lu...]]

Sno, can you explain the difference between not believing me and lying?

MindSeeker- I am trying to unravel this while my whole life is in disarray.

There are these blocks to self care.

WR- I don't think I am repeating- I am continuing to unravel this mess, hopefully.

And my dosage is reduced.

I need answers fast.

Self-care? I'm having so much trouble- have I explained why?

I can't handle living in this place. 2 teeth abscessed from stress.

This is a prison. How do I get out?

I need someone to eat with- I am so disconnected.

[[Fl...]]

You have actually cut your K from 2 mgs in Jan to .75.  That is quite a bit.  1.25 mgs in 4 months.

[[be...]]

Lucero:

 

I have only made three replies to you. After that I refused to do so because it was just a friggin waste of my time when I could be helping other people, in WORSE shape than you!  Many many people are in worse shape than you are, yet, they manage to go on. I don't believe you want to get off the drug. Really. I have never seen so many pages of replies to you; in fact at least half of them are yours, saying the same damn thing over and over again. You say you are special. Well, I tell you this: I don't think you are special at all. You're just a constant whiner who is using your troubles as an excuse for more and more and more support, when you never mentioned when you want to begin your taper. Look at the first pages: you will find a lot of sympathy in them. Then take a look at the last several pages. Don't you get it that people are fed up with you?

 

I wonder what you tell your doctor? If you are saying the same things to him, it wouldn't surprise me if he dropped you. If it were me, I would have fired you a long time ago. No amount of money is worth this! I'd rather deal with a serious mental illness.You are just a hypochondriac. Like Purvita said, the game is up. You won! Now move on and you obviously need on ground help if you want to taper/detox. Then check yourself into a detox center or a psych ward and be done with the whole thing. If you really really want to begin your taper, then just say so loud and clear. Then the rest of the people here who have replied to you numerous times might, and I say might, be willing to step in and help you. I wash my hands of you. I can't put it any clearer than Snow did. Good luck. Goodby. Whatever.