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[Guest [Mi...]]

Yes, Mooreweg, I am planning on doing those things before heading out.

 

[Guest [Mi...]]

I thought the article was about withdrawal and the core issues that may get exposed: that's why I posted it here. It's going to be really hard to eat well, because of the emotions that are being stirred up, and I will be in an isolated area. I don't mean to put anyone off or ignore anyone's advice. I don't know how to apply their advice to this situation. I need to function at a high level , doing major physical work and organizing, alone. The panic is intense. I've been hiding all week. If I don't do this now, I will have no other chance.

 

I have over 12,000 posts on this website. I've been a moderator for ten months, and I'm really familiar with the ebb and flow of information on this site.

 

That's why I suggested the Off Topic area because I really believe you'll get the most responses there.

 

It's nothing personal. This current thread is about your need to find a new doctor and it's under the Withdrawal Support section. You're just not going to get responses for these articles here. Also, like I've stated before, many people on the Withdrawal Support section simply can't read large volumes of writing. By repeatedly begging folks on this part of the forum to do so is unfair.

 

As far as the "major physical work and organizing, alone" part - if you're talking about packing your stuff, I gave you some great advice here:  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=132628.msg1782942#msg1782942.

 

And yet you ignored this.

 

I'm also moving and I'm doing it alone, so I know this works.

[[Lu...]]

MindSeeker-

I do have to do all of this in 2 days, including travel large distances and deal with a helper tomorrow who doesn't care to understand what I am going through, who may be alienated that I am putting stuff in storage instead of being indebted to him by putting stuff at his business, which is very far away and unaccessable. It's his van I'm using, which is choking me with exhaust fumes. He wants me to move in his place, but has no concept of benzo withdrawal, and refuses to listen when I tell him.

 

I will be leaving a place I love, and living with my things all scattered, paying for storage, and having a bed bug and perhaps mouse problem here. I'm going crazy. this isn't what life is meant to be like. If I get rid of a lot of my stuff, then it is gone, and I have limited funds to replace it.

 

I am in a swirl here about all of this, and my brain just wants to retreat, along with my body, into a hiding place.

I'm afraid I will have a breakdown, and end up in a hospital again.

[Guest [Mi...]]

MindSeeker-

I do have to do all of this in 2 days, including travel large distances and deal with a helper tomorrow who doesn't care to understand what I am going through, who may be alienated that I am putting stuff in storage instead of being indebted to him by putting stuff at his business, which is very far away and unaccessable. It's his van I'm using, which is choking me with exhaust fumes. He wants me to move in his place, but has no concept of benzo withdrawal, and refuses to listen when I tell him.

 

I will be leaving a place I love, and living with my things all scattered, paying for storage, and having a bed bug and perhaps mouse problem here. I'm going crazy. this isn't what life is meant to be like. If I get rid of a lot of my stuff, then it is gone, and I have limited funds to replace it.

 

I am in a swirl here about all of this, and my brain just wants to retreat, along with my body, into a hiding place.

I'm afraid I will have a breakdown, and end up in a hospital again.

 

 

My advice is to take a very stoic stance, push through it, write down what you need to organize, and then stick to what you've written down.

 

Your mind is going to race, so having a plan written down makes it so much easier to execute.

 

That's what I'm doing. I write down exactly what I want to accomplish and then go do it.

 

You don't have a lot of time, so when your thoughts drift, take the energy and care to bring them back to what you wrote down.

 

Write down your most precious belongings and take those first.

 

And just keep telling yourself that you DO have control of your mind, direct your thoughts back to the task at hand.

 

And then report back how much you accomplished today.

 

You can do this. I really believe you can. 

[[Su...]]

We're not writing you off Lucero.  This thread receives a lot of attention because people empathize and care about you.  The truth is that some people are more symptomatic than others so not everyone can relate to the handicap of your depression and anxiety.  I have had a very long torturous experience myself and am still in it.  Still in taper hell. After years.  I feel for you and your darkened window pain.  Being home sick and trapped inside on beautiful days is painful.

 

I describe withdrawal brain symptoms like 80% of my brain is overcome with distorted, dysfunctional thinking that isn't me.  I have to keep that healthy 20% active and pushing the other sick weight to keep going, to keep finding what little relief or comfort I can.  So despite all your pain and fear right now, what can you do to keep moving forward?  I know to me it feels like I'm stagnant and stuck but we are still moving forward to a goal. 

 

What is your goal Lucero?  Tell us about that.  Where do you want to be?  How do you envision your life?

 

[[Lu...]]

I've been calling people to get my old car junked. Everyone is in control except me. The tow truck guys, the doctors who prescribe, the landlord with the bedbug apt., my friend with his "raw deal" to pay him back for his help, my previous landlord and her beautiful property I am being kicked out of, my family and their willingness to let me die. I can barely function, and feel really oppressed by others who own everything. am running out of time to do anything. why do others seem so much smarter than me- so much more able to care for themselves, so much more valuable in society?

I feel like this world is evil, and I am on the bottom.

Where is the time to eat?

It's meltdown time- my life is in ruins...and it could be even worse.

I can't picture it getting better. I am too screwed up. I doubt I will even have a refill for klonopin.

How do others cope with high level functioning??

I am having trouble even eating or getting dressed, let alone all the things involved in functioning.

I'm losing everything- can't make a "winning" decision- just keep losing.

It seems like everything is stacked against me- like I did something horribly wrong in a past life, or something.

[[be...]]

Lucero:

 

There are 14 pages here in this thread. I have never gotten 14 pages myself. But I think half of them are yours, saying the same thing over and over again. I agree with most here, mainly Mindseeker. She has well over 12,000 posts to her name and is a moderator. Yet she is moderate in her moderating, if that make sense. She is not naïve to what is going on with the people on this board. Yes, we can offer support here but you have to do things personally. By yourself or with the help of others. If it were me, I would have grabbed the offer like mad to stay with that friend. I think you made a mistake turning him down, just because he doesn't understand. So what? Lots of people here have others in their lives who don't understand either. I am one of them, yet I keep plodding along with a concise taper that never varies. I was on 10 mg of K for a decade and now I am at .53 mg. If I can get this far, then so can you.

 

Your friend has a van and can help you collect your things. But is it too late by now? You seem pretty self absorbed to me. Don't you get it that many people are suffering even more than you are? It's a shame you feel so horrible, but only you can get out of this rut. You mentioned on several occasions that you need a therapist. I think all of us here agree with that, and in fact, many have mentioned this to you. I know I have. So find one! You can get your tools with your friend and then fix your car. Why don't you read Parker and Grinch1's blog? I think they will bring you down to earth. I truly believe that Grinch was in much worse shape than you, but she stuck it out and even speeded up her taper to get rid of her poison while feeling utterly miserable. We are not ignoring you like you keep suggesting. Like MS said, you are ignoring us. I think the lot of us are getting frustrated with you. I am. That's why I tend to lurk on this thread instead of responding with the same thing that you won't listen too.  It is a waste of my energy, when I could be supporting other people here who will listen. Sorry for the tough love, but you are in real need of it.

Bets

[[th...]]

Benzo girl 

 

Snow, Mind, NYC....you are all amazing!!

 

Lucero,

Have you heard about me? Many people follow me and have heard my tale of benzo woes for over a yr now. Unimaginable suffering. Still am. I read thru this entire post and am astounded by the outpouring of support you received. It is truly amazing. Yet, I wonder if you understand this. I am almost afraid to post to you bc it does take a lot out of us to give support when we are suffering too. Have you been in anyone else's threads giving support? Have you offered a simple "thumbs up" to anyone else? I ask this bc I feel like you need to find strength within you that no one but YOU can build. And offering support to others can do this. I don't want to hear any crap about not being well enough to do that. Find a thread, hit reply, click on the thumbs up emicon. You write pages and pages of posts so I know you can do what I said. At some point you have to stop thinking about yourself. It's unbecoming to people here. You are not the only person who has been dealt an effing shitty hand. And even in the darkest hours of despair the only person who can do anything to make anything better is you. I know this for a fact bc even with the support of loved ones with a comfortable home the torture was unbearable for me and many others. I begged my husband to kill me things were so excrutiating. I was bedridden from the most severe physical syxs and I also was suicidal. The fear and panic (which I still get by the way) is overwhelming and debilitating. It didn't matter where I was or who was around me. I felt alone in this misery bc no one understood. And no one could help me. No one could stop the torture. No one could make a difference in any of it. Only one person could. Me! I was, I am the only person who can make a diff in my situation. I have to force everything I do. Eating, getting ready, going somewhere, relationships, anything I do is forced. I deal with great amts of DP/DR and feel like a complete zombie every day all day. But I force myself to do what I need to do. And you know what? I make it. And sometimes I succeed at things I didn't think I could. Big things now that I am not ready for yet but will tackle anyways bc I have faith and hope in myself! This grit and determination has to come from you! No one here can make that happen for you but you. Not your family or friends.. Not Drs. No one else can do that. You have to want to be better. You have to take those steps. If you don't, nothing will change. If you have a mental disorder than seek help. Which I think you are and that is good. Good step. If you have other issues than seek help. But no one on a internet forum can fix you. Only you can do that. It has to come from you my friend. Dig deep!! One foot in front of the other. And then another and another. It's not easy.. It is so freaking hard but we all have to save ourselves in the end. You have received some priceless information here, I sure hope you know this. I would suggest you go back and re-read this entire thread. Truly amazing support and advice from people who are also suffering. You are a lucky guy. I hope you can find relief and find the strength you need to power thru this point in your life.

 

Take care,

 

Grinch1

[[be...]]

Grinch:

 

:thumbsup:

[[Sl...]]

I thought the article was about withdrawal and the core issues that may get exposed: that's why I posted it here. It's going to be really hard to eat well, because of the emotions that are being stirred up, and I will be in an isolated area. I don't mean to put anyone off or ignore anyone's advice. I don't know how to apply their advice to this situation. I need to function at a high level , doing major physical work and organizing, alone. The panic is intense. I've been hiding all week. If I don't do this now, I will have no other chance.

 

I read the article and could identify with the problems exposed but choose not to.

For me surviving withdrawal is much more important than understanding and healing the past.

 

When I was seven my mother took me to the orphanage late at night , made me get out of the car,

walk up the stairs and ring the doorbell. She knew it was the wrong door and wouldn't be answered.

I didn't cry or beg or even ask to get back in the car. I just waited until she told me to get back in the car.

 

Everytime I think of it I know the drugs are playing me for a fool using thought loops.

I can't stop the loops but I can choose to ignore the content or distract using techniques.

 

Until my mind heals all my issues are just looping phantoms.

The only way to survive is to keep on moving away from the drugs.

 

The real issue is surviving the next thirty seconds without a pill.

I remember what it felt like before the pills gained their power.

That is all I want is my normal mind back when the time comes.

I love my mother and every evil wicked bone in her body, she was born afflicted.

Love is the answer. Love your self, love others and love the miracle that is a human day.

I'm 55 and have seen many people die from booze or drugs. I'm alive because love conquers all.

 

Hang in there.

[Guest [Mi...]]

I thought the article was about withdrawal and the core issues that may get exposed: that's why I posted it here. It's going to be really hard to eat well, because of the emotions that are being stirred up, and I will be in an isolated area. I don't mean to put anyone off or ignore anyone's advice. I don't know how to apply their advice to this situation. I need to function at a high level , doing major physical work and organizing, alone. The panic is intense. I've been hiding all week. If I don't do this now, I will have no other chance.

 

I read the article and could identify with the problems exposed but choose not to.

For me surviving withdrawal is much more important than understanding and healing the past.

 

When I was seven my mother took me to the orphanage late at night , made me get out of the car,

walk up the stairs and ring the doorbell. She knew it was the wrong door and wouldn't be answered.

I didn't cry or beg or even ask to get back in the car. I just waited until she told me to get back in the car.

 

Everytime I think of it I know the drugs are playing me for a fool using thought loops.

I can't stop the loops but I can choose to ignore the content or distract using techniques.

 

Until my mind heals all my issues are just looping phantoms.

The only way to survive is to keep on moving away from the drugs.

 

The real issue is surviving the next thirty seconds without a pill.

I remember what it felt like before the pills gained their power.

That is all I want is my normal mind back when the time comes.

I love my mother and every evil wicked bone in her body, she was born afflicted.

Love is the answer. Love your self, love others and love the miracle that is a human day.

I'm 55 and have seen many people die from booze or drugs. I'm alive because love conquers all.

 

Hang in there.

 

Very good advice, Slowhand. You're right - benzo withdrawal is not the time to revisit the past.

 

The ghosts are simply more alive during withdrawal. Best to let them be and not engage.

 

Thank you for this post. 

[[Sl...]]

Most Welcome 

[Guest [jc...]]

Slowhand, God bless you for the strength you have to rise above your mother's cruelty.  I grew up with a mother who was truly cruel and evil and I haven't reached the place of love you talk about, but I know it's there. 

[[Su...]]

Slowhand,

 

I just got chills reading what you shared. I am empathize greatly with what you have suffered in this lifetime and agree that love is the answer.  Benzo withdrawal makes that lightness of love so difficult to achieve.bbI completely identify with the demons in the closet coming back out during withdrawal. 

 

I know its the weakened, disturbed CNS kicking them back up but damn if it isn't real and crazy painful. My entire life has been a traumatic loop.  I was born to heroin addicts and then raised by a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  My father abandoned me at the age of 7.  After he left, a string of abusive men came into our lives and the terror continued.  I was also infected with Lyme at the age of 7 and limped through life with debilitating chronic disease and a mother who never sought help for it.  My mother is so un-nurturing and neglectful, my sister eventually died at the age of 25.  I could go on and on but I won't because I am not interested in the past and all the pain that it brings.  I just want to HEAL this benzo damage and feel good in my body and mind.  Then all will melt away again.

 

Again, thank you for sharing a bit of your story.  It helps me to know their is another woman who has suffered in a similar way.  Much LOVE to you and of course to our aching Lucero and everyone else in this forum.  May God guide us all to higher ground.

 

Heather

[[Lu...]]

Hi,

I haven't posted. Today I feel barely literate- Just can't face the prospect of going out,

and am so freaked out by people and their motives- anyone at this point,

that I am fighting crippling paranoia-

 

I think I'm having a psychotic break based on fear and being lost in the universe.

 

paranoia that I have never felt so extremely before in my life.

Paranoia about everyone- humanity-I feel scared to interact because I can't trust anyone-

This is really extreme.

 

Thank you everyone for the posts- this is all I can squeeze out now- maybe I'll edit this later.

I have seriously flipped out about being alive.

I'm breaking down.

 

Something very serious is going wrong: so I am frozen.

If you think I just write the same thing, please don't hurt me now.

I am so lost.

[[Ch...]]

Hi,

I haven't posted. Today I feel barely literate- Just can't face the prospect of going out,

and am so freaked out by people and their motives- anyone at this point,

that I am fighting crippling paranoia-

 

I think I'm having a psychotic break based on fear and being lost in the universe.

 

paranoia that I have never felt so extremely before in my life.

Paranoia about everyone- humanity-I feel scared to interact because I can't trust anyone-

This is really extreme.

 

Thank you everyone for the posts- this is all I can squeeze out now- maybe I'll edit this later.

I have seriously flipped out about being alive.

I'm breaking down.

I'm not sure what this means, exactly, but I'm going to give you the self-help links again just in case you need them: Self Harm Policy

 

 

It sounds like you're having an anxiety attack, Lucero.  Try a few minutes of breathing. 

If you don't know how to do mindful breathing, post back and I'll copy it here.

 

Just breathe…no thoughts except 'breathe in' 'breathe out' for at least two minutes.  No checking the clock.  Estimate.

 

I'll be back.

 

[[Lu...]]

PM sent.

2 days in bed now- paranoid and scared- cut my klonopin dose a little to make it until the next prescription.

I am falling apart, and am sorry I have not replied better to the people who have taken the time to help me.

There are short windows for even getting out of bed.

I have disastrous situations in my life now.

Basic things are not being taken care of.

[[Lu...]]

This post is still about searching for doctors and therapists who are not part of the mental health system of poly drugging and compliance with their attitude of control and dominance.

Again, are there any Medicare/ Medicaid doctors and psychotherapists out there who are better than what I just described?

My whole life depends on compliance right now- I need real help.

It's been proven to me again and again that who you know makes a tremendous difference in life.

Anyone? Thank You.

[[Lu...]]

I'm still hoping someone who hasn't seen this thread will reply with a referral to a doctor.

 

I'm losing my mind here. I'm trapped in the public mental health system, and need to get out. I need to lie to them about how I am feeling to get prescriptions and not lose my housing or be put in a compulsory day program. The day program would cold turkey me off the klonopin.

 

I'm grateful for people writing to me. This is about all the writing I can do at this point, because I am so overloaded.

 

I'm also becoming really paranoid, because I have been hurt and used- so I am so traumatized that everyone seems a threat.

The new place I live is scaring me, with drugs and prostitution and theft- I don't feel safe. And my old landlord lied to me to get me to leave my old place. I feel frightened of everyone and of life- nothing seems real.....someone lies to my face.......I get terrified, wonder if anyone can be trusted, wonder if I am inherently dumb and going to be in lots of trouble- I've been dealing with lawyers and signing papers and taking pills and writing here and on and on in a big swirl.....who might be reading this? Am I going to get in trouble writing here? I'm not savvy or smart, and I'm close to death, living the way I am.

 

 

I feel like the opposite of "beautiful": I feel ugly and worthless. And I am freaking out about being alive, and am hiding to make the sensory overload go away. I'm all "in my head" and my body feels like dead matter being carried by sheer will.

 

Overloaded with terror and fear, like a beaten dog.

 

Thank you.

[[Ka...]]

"My appointment is for May 11 with the clinic doctor, so it is actually about 2 weeks. I had searched around the area before, but hadn't come up with anyone....so that's why I am asking."

 

So this appointment was not up to your standards?

[[Lu...]]

The doctor can't be counted on to continue the prescription or taper me off gradually. The doctor was looking for reasons to poly-drug me or updose what I am taking, or send me to a day program, where I know they will not give me klonopin. I was lucky to get the prescriptions I did this one time.

[[Lu...]]

This post was written as a reply to a post that was removed, saying that I was blowing the doctor off, and that I want everything on a silver platter, and that I should pay $$$ if I want special treatment from my own pocket.

 

I have described the situation clearly- I did not blow the doctor off. There is an extremely high likelihood that the doctor will not write another prescription (and certainly not supervise a slow taper). That is primarily because of where they work and the oversite by the state.

A  taper is not a luxury, as I'm sure many can attest to here. And without a source for the medication, it is impossible to do a slow taper.

I am on public insurance and my only income is Social Security SSDI and SSI. It's about $10,000 a year. Any money I spend is precious. And I am willing to spend some money, instead of ...eating....to do this right.

Since it is not a luxury, I am trying to find a reliable source. Everyone, regardless of income or status, should be able to come off these drugs safely.

There's been no silver platter.

 

Last year, after a 5 day rapid taper, I was in acute withdrawal. I came home to an apartment with burst pipes, which the landlord did not fix completely for about a month. No heat or water.

I maintained a 25 year old car myself until it was too rusted and banged up to go on. Now I have no transportation. I am trying to keep my life's possessions somehow in the midst of crippling depression and anxiety, to the point where I have trouble eating.

I hope anyone who has the means to get quality care is grateful for it. As well, I wish people understood how demeaning and degrading it is to not get quality care; to have a doctor tell you what to do, instead of partnering with you because you are paying $$$.

I need to find quality care, and will flash $$$ in their face, so they help me. And meanwhile try to save possessions that I was fortunate enough to attain when I could work.

 

And hopefully I won't end up in the shelter, picking up bottles from the street to cash in. Because I'm not a street tough guy- and I could get killed. That's reality.

 

 

[[Lu...]]

A lot of people think that if I can post on here, then I can do many other things I say I can't.

Actually, posting here for help and about what I am going through is about all I can do.

[[Lu...]]

I am in a crippling depression with no relief. Lots of opportunities are being lost because I am so overloaded I just am compelled to hide in my bed, hoping for some peaceful feeling, which never comes

I looked at the sunset through the blinds, said to myself. "what a beautiful sunset", and went back to bed.

[[Lu...]]

I'm hiding and I don't even understand what it is to function.

I think people are in touch with something that I am not.

I have negated the good in life, and am out of touch with what motivates people.

And when people discover that, they turn away from me.

I am not in the flow of life, not with the "program".

Everything just hurts so much.... that's why.

I need to change my entire lifestyle- it's so much: so much.