Find a NY Doctor- NEW INFO

[[NY...]]

I think we're all struggling to take care of ourselves here.  We can support each other as it concerns the effect of benzo withdrawal, but we can't solve anyone's major life problems....not the purpose of this forum.

 

I know.  Lucero was my first friend on here, and something happened.  I got lost in his story.  Tears roll down my face b/c I feel so helpless.  I want him to stop suffering.  I have to stop coming back to his story.

 

I am weeping for you, Lucero.  Weeping.  I want you to be brave.  I want you to get help. I want your suffering to stop. But there is nothing I can do, only you.

 

I will talk to you again when I am done with my taper.  Please take care, and never give up on yourself.

 

Your friend,

WR

[Guest [jc...]]

NY, that wasn't directed at you specifically, but I have been following this and I'm actually hurting for you and how much you care.  You've got to take care of yourself, you can't save anybody else. 

[[Ch...]]

Those are very powerful emotions someone has for you, Lucero.

I would be so touched…

[[Lu...]]

:'(

[[Lu...]]

This is the article I mentioned: I think it sheds some light on what I am dealing with- chronic emptiness.

I've wondered if I am autistic, brain-damaged, catatonic,  narcissistic, mercury- poisoned, psychotic, on and on...

Physically, spiritually, and emotionally damaged- that's one way to put it.

I'm not ignoring all of your grand efforts to help me-

I am trying to explain that I want to get off benzos, and have to deal with issues like this article raises as well.

I am in the middle of a "hold" during my taper, because life has hit me hard with circumstances like a ton of bricks.

This is what gets in the way of my "getting with the program".

It's very hard to feel a connection with other human beings after isolation as a child that was "too much to bear".

I'm sorry if this comes across as ignoring the people behind the posts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Origins of the desire for a warm and fuzzy feeling

 

 

 

How seeking a warm comfortable space can interfere with our creative endeavors 

 

A Releasing Your Unlimited Creativity discussion topic

 

 

Copyright 2009 by K. Ferlic,  All Rights Reserved

 

 

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In many discussion topics reference is made to finding a warm fuzzy place or a warm fuzzy feeling. The discussion on the warm fuzzy place described it as follows: "Whether one realizes it or not, the consciousness of  energy consciousness seeks to be in a warm, fuzzy, safe and secure space. In this space one will feel complete calm and nourishment. When we experiences this state our being (body and consciousness) becomes quiet and relaxed and tension is released. Within this space the  creative spirit is  free to do what it  desires to do. It can be a profound healing space if the creative spirit or the body is in anyway wounded. Because the creative spirit become free in this warm fuzzy place it also becomes extremely vulnerable."

 

The origins of the  desire for a  warm and fuzzy feeling arises simply from seeking to avoid  pain and/or the anxiety of creation and entering the unknown. Since the  creative process takes us into the unknown, requires a  sacrifice of some aspect of  our inner and outer world and causes us to enter the chaos of creation,  mind seeks a place were it remains in control and there is no pain and/or anxiety. As described below, the term "warm fuzzy feeling" arises for two reasons as described below.

 

Creating some way to remove the  pain/anxiety, deny, suppress and/or numb our pain/anxiety is quite common. Seeking to deny, suppress or numb our pain/anxiety through some addictive behavioral pattern or through the use of an addictive substance is well known and one of the more common approaches. Such actions lies at the basis of many addiction problems that end up requiring professional and/or medical intervention. A second very common way is looking to find an inner satisfaction through a spiritual path. This approach is discussed more at length in the topic "We are perfect as we are." On this point, often it is through what can be called a spiritual rebirth or finding "God" or a new from or understanding about "God" that many find freedom from their addictions.

 

However, relative to creating the  reality of our choice and accessing our unlimited creativity, there is another addictive pattern of which we need to be aware and needs to be addressed. That pattern is the  desire to seek "a  warm fuzzy feeling" at the expense of our creative ability and creative power and the  freedom of our  creative spirit. In the  exploration into our inherent creativity the most surprising discovery was how consciousness seeks this "warm fuzzy feeling." The problem with this pattern is that it is at the expense of the freedom of our creative spirt. Seeking a warm fuzzy place/feeling at the expense of the freedom of our creative spirit robs us of life and the  passion for living. Clinically It can even manifest itself as  illness , depression, soul loss or "spirit possession" or "spiritual intrusion."

 

The term "warm fuzzy feeling" for this phenomenon is used for two reason. One is that this feeling causes one to have a  desire much like the desire of a child to cuddle up with their mother or cuddle with a favorite stuffed animal or security blanket such that we will compromise our truth so as to not be denied this feeling. The desire for this experience is such that we compromise our truth seeking comfort. This is what happens to us as children causing us to lose our ability to creatively play. We seek this space because it is seen as having been accompanied by the nourishment and emotional support supplied by our mother in the early months of life that is essential for our growth and development. As we grow, we willingly comply with whatever is asked of us rather than lose this comfort. As we continue to grow older and develop the ego, we may rebel at what is asked but nevertheless we still long for this space and tend to compromise ourselves to get it and feel it. This is why sexuality can be such a problem for many individual. Sexuality through it close body contact can give many of the same types and kinds of feelings found in the warm fuzzy place which consciousness desires.

 

The second reason why phenomenon is called a  warm fuzzy feeling is what has been learned by some individuals who work with would be called depossession of spirit entities or exorcism.  Shamans work with a similar phenomenon often called a soul intrusion, that is, an invasion of another spirit into one’s being. It is reported that when an individual is incapable of fully living life and embracing their  creative life energy and what their  creative spirit desires, a void appears in their being. Since the individual does not fill the void with they own life, they can experience what can be described as alien spirits moving in. That is, these alien entities find a comfortable home in the person in which they reside or possess and don’t want to give up the comfortable home - that is, they get a warm fuzzy feeling being there.

 

There are two ways to view these alien entities. One way is the intruding spirits are alien in that they are not really a part of the spirit or the natural flow of the individual’s  creative life energy. These spirits or entities are not bad or evil and necessarily intend harm. It is just they find a warm comfortable spot to live in the void the person has created and don’t want to leave. The technique is to show them a more enjoyable and pleasurable place such as their original home and they then choose to leave. The most essential point about this phenomenon is how we create the void within our being by failing to fully align with our creative life energy and embrace our  passion for life failing to fill our entire being with life. The void is then filled by some form of energy or consciousness "alien" to our being from either inside ourselves or from the outside. The entity fills that void because it is a safe and secure space for it to live.

 

We can look at this phenomenon of filling a void by an alien entity as if we were out in the wilderness with no place to live. We find a cave with nothing living in or occupying the cave. It is a void that we can fill and it will provide us a safe and comfortable place to live. Here we are alien entity feeling the void within the mountain. We have no intention of harming the mountain or hill which created the cave nor harm any of the surrounding vegetation. However, by living there we tend to enlarge it to make it a little more suitable to our liking. We also shift the vegetation because we are constantly going in and out of the cave and foraging the nearby land. The presence of life itself causes the environment to shift.

 

So too within our being. If we don’t fill ourselves with life and a  passion for living within our entire being, the void we create will become prone to being filled with any entity that is looking for a place to live and express itself.

 

A second way to look at this phenomenon of a void and not totally filling all aspects of ourselves with life is that the void simply becomes a way the shadow aspects of ourselves, often reflected in an unhealthy condition requiring us to change our life, manifests to fill the void. This aspect of ourselves desiring to fill the void with some type of life is then reflected in something such as an  illness or disease or some entity from without. Most often it is simply our  nonconscious filling the void with some type and kind of life creating an experience to exercise the creativity of that aspect of our selves we feel to simply give it life. However, if the void is large enough and comfortable enough, we are subject to what is experienced as spiritual intrusion. Although what we experience as an intrusion may be our own creation, it is large enough for it to take on a life of its own. Alternatively said, without some other creative activity tor  focus of our attention and awareness we create illness, of which a spiritual intrusion can be seen as an illness, and the have an excuse to become creative to heal ourselves.

 

One phenomenon we all have probably seen is if a person has nothing to look forward to in life, that is, the will or reason to live, they tend to get sick and even die before their time. It is all related. If we don’t fill ourselves with our own  creative life energy, our  nonconscious though its internal and external manifestations will fill it in some way. The nonconscious uses  illness  and disease internally and accident and spiritual intrusion externally.

 

Relative to healing and curing, whether experienced externally as a removal of the intruding alien spirit or internally as removing an  illness or disease, the individual needs to fill this void with their own embracement of life. Otherwise, they remain vulnerable to some new illness or intrusion. This is very important and lies at the root of a healing versus a cure. A "cure" fixes the abnormal condition but the root of the problem is not addressed. In this case the individual is open to a manifestation of the root issue in some other form. However, a healing addresses the root causes.

 

There is an interesting note to be made here. One cancer counselor is quoted as saying, "many are cured but not healed and many who are healed die." When viewing this statement from a purely physical perspective it doesn’t seem to make sense since the idea and purpose of healing seems to be to keep the person alive.

 

However, from a creativity view point and how we create our reality, if one has a serious void in their being because they cannot fill that void with their own  passion for life and for living, it would not be surprising that when they heal, that is, they get to the root of why they could not fill the void in their being with physical life, that they choose to leave physical life. It must be remembered we  incarnated for specific reasons and then we develop the habit of protecting our creative spirit and our life to survive at all costs. Then when we complete what we came to do the habit continues to carry us forward protecting ourselves and surviving. When we break the addictive pattern or habit and heal, the consciousness inhabiting the body discovered it has achieved what they came to do. Then there is no reason to continue the physical experience. The habit was keeping them alive and they could not consciously feed their life with creative endeavors to fully embrace who they are for who they are had none to give. Consequently, the  nonconscious filled it out of habit and created an  illness that would tax their  creative power. It is hard to believe we cannot even move into a more pleasurable realm of existence because of our own habits keeps us here and we can’t accept the truth of our being to move on. Yet, in may ways what is described here is a reverse karma. One way to see karma is a habits that bringing us back. Here, in this phenomenon, we remain because of habit. In essence the process is the same.

 

The issue here is seeking a "warm fuzzy feeling," that safe comfortable space, is inherent to consciousness and it can and will become  addictive as any addictive substance or activity one employs to avoid  pain, anxiety and/or fear. However, in talking about what gives one individual a warm fuzzy feeling will not be the same as another individual. We each have are own unique  desires and create this pattern in our own unique way. What is warm and fuzzy for me may not be warm and fuzzy for you. In any case, it is difficult to believe how the  mind can be so self defeating and defeat its own desires and stated intention by habits that produced these warm and fuzzy feelings. It is quite understandable how we used these addictions of the mind, that is habits of the minds that give these warm and fuzzy feelings, to avoid facing displeasures or things we did not like or want in our life. But, sometimes it is hard to realize how they actually became obstacles to defeat one’s stated intention and interfere with the manifestation process for something we want. However, these habits that give a warm fuzzy feeling are much like other addictions in how we used addictions to mask what we would rather not face or feel.

 

The question one needs to look at is, "Exactly what is it that we do not want to feel in the manifestations process that becomes self defeating even when we tried to manifest something pleasurable? Some fear losing that which is pleasurable or that with which they come to be satisfied and contended. Some become so content within an aspect of their life they will create obstacles not to feel deep pleasure so they don’t have to fear losing what they have. We can only feel pleasure to the depth we allow ourselves to feel  pain. Look at it this way, it is only knowing there is a deeper pleasure than we currently have that will allow us to endue the pain of letting go of the pleasure we currently have. Here it needs to be noted that the inner satisfaction that can come from the  heart is not the same as pleasure. Pleasure and that which we think is pleasurable is of the  mind. The inner satisfaction that never runs dry is of the heart and exists independent of what is occurring externally.

 

Related topics

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Valley of contentment

Topics on addiction

 

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[[Lu...]]

But brains mean nothing. Love ... Concern ... People reaching out to you ... THAT'S what makes life worthwhile. You might be RIGHT. But "right" is little comfort when what you need is someone to care. You have that here, in spades. And you keep blowing it off.

No one is going to read the article. I get it. People have enough on their plate to try and figure me out.

They just want to offer support.

Can all of you understand that I am so overloaded that I haven't eaten and am feeling hopeless for the future?

That desperation has isolated me from others.

[Guest [Mi...]]

But brains mean nothing. Love ... Concern ... People reaching out to you ... THAT'S what makes life worthwhile. You might be RIGHT. But "right" is little comfort when what you need is someone to care. You have that here, in spades. And you keep blowing it off.

No one is going to read the article. I get it. People have enough on their plate to try and figure me out.

They just want to offer support.

Can all of you understand that I am so overloaded that I haven't eaten and am feeling hopeless for the future?

That desperation has isolated me from others.

 

Lucero, I think part of the problem is you're posting this in the Withdrawal Support section.

 

This article is more appropriate for Off Topic.

 

People who are actively tapering are much more concerned with basic survival than in reading about warm and fuzzy feelings and creativity. While I did experience an enormous loss of creativity (which cost me my side business as a web designer), I was much more interested in how to deal with the insomnia, dp/dr, memory loss - which included getting lost in my own neighborhood, keeping my job, etc.

 

In other words, most folks at this stage are dealing with the lower rung of the hierarchy of needs.

 

And many people who are withdrawing simply aren't able to read long articles.

 

I think you'll get more feedback on this article on the Off Topic board.

 

One more word of advice - please eat something. As I've mentioned, these drugs cause fluctuations in blood sugar and you really do need to eat several times a day. We can't do that for you. If your stomach is upset, try making a smoothie or at least drinking an Ensure.

 

[[Lu...]]

Thank you for replying, MindSeeker.

I found that the article was more about having any drive at all, any purpose at all in life, that keeps you moving through hard times and basic survival.

I am in withdrawal, and have tried to figure out what is missing from my approach to life that makes this getting off benzos so difficult.

That's why I shared the article with the community.

So the important part article isn't really about creativity for me- it is about the pain that arises when we give up medications.

Thank you MindSeeker for the advice about food- it's hard to even eat when I am trying to avoid everything.

And WR and Snow and Challis and Purevida and everyone else- I am listening.

 

 

[Guest [Mi...]]

Thank you for replying, MindSeeker.

I found that the article was more about having any drive at all, any purpose at all in life, that keeps you moving through hard times and basic survival.

I am in withdrawal, and have tried to figure out what is missing from my approach to life that makes this getting off benzos so difficult.

That's why I shared the article with the community.

So the important part article isn't really about creativity for me- it is about the pain that arises when we give up medications.

Thank you MindSeeker for the advice about food- it's hard to even eat when I am trying to avoid everything.

And WR and Snow and Challis and Purevida and everyone else- I am listening.

 

When I first came to this site, I posted in a lot of different areas. I really hope you do that, too.

 

I also had an interest in exploring different writings, but I was very, very limited because of memory and concentration problems.

 

I really think you'll get more feedback on this article in the Off Topic section. And then come back to the Withdrawal Support for your questions about your taper.

 

I noticed you took Snow and WR's advice and are acknowledging the feedback you're getting. And that's really appreciated.

 

I think as you develop your social skills a bit more, you'll find that you're able to make friends easier and more importantly - you'll be able to keep friends.

 

And that's going to help fill the void that you're feeling. 

[[Lu...]]

MindSeeker,

I am so depressed and overloaded that I still am scared to go out there.

There are so many details to take care of and pay attention to-

I don't feel capable.

Friends don't understand this.

[Guest [Mi...]]

MindSeeker,

I am so depressed and overloaded that I still am scared to go out there.

There are so many details to take care of and pay attention to-

I don't feel capable.

Friends don't understand this.

 

I know you're depressed. I've been exactly where you are.

 

Many of us have found that we have to get well first, and then we can re-engage with friends.

 

How is your taper going? Have you planned a cut?

[[Lu...]]

I'm holding because of situation.

I don't want to go out there- I just want to disappear.

I can't rest.

Everything has a time frame, and I just want to be free of that, and feel no pressure, just OK.

When people say that you can't save someone else, it drives me crazy.

It's just an excuse to walk away.

Is there any peace?

I want everything to stop.

My life seems ruined.

I can't bring myself to leave home- I feel hopeless.

[Guest [jc...]]

Your only problem is in the way you think and no one else can fix that for you.  In that sense no one can save you.  It is very co-dependent to think otherwise.

[[Lu...]]

Dear jc125 and purevida29,

I've been laying in bed, trying to find some static peace, with no success. The world is out there, and I am scared that I can never rebuild any of the life I used to have. Plus I am in withdrawal. Thank you for trying to clear my head of what is realistic and what is not. I just don't know where to turn with this desperation. It's a beautiful day, and I feel like there is no future. I'm being direct here- the undertone is hopelessness.

[Guest [Mi...]]

Dear jc125 and purevida29,

I've been laying in bed, trying to find some static peace, with no success. The world is out there, and I am scared that I can never rebuild any of the life I used to have. Plus I am in withdrawal. Thank you for trying to clear my head of what is realistic and what is not. I just don't know where to turn with this desperation. It's a beautiful day, and I feel like there is no future. I'm being direct here- the undertone is hopelessness.

 

Just a thought, Lucero - I know you want to wait until you stabilize before making a cut, but please don't wait too long. I'm wondering if maybe you've hit tolerance. Your previous dose was twice what you're currently on.

 

If you have hit tolerance, than part of your depression is from the drugs. So try not to identify too much with the depression - part of the depression may be a "chemical" depression, if that makes any sense.

[[Lu...]]

Yes, MindSeeker, it could be tolerance. When I had updosed, however, it made no difference.

I sent some PM's to people who had posted.

I hope they got them.

And Snow, I think the article may be in translation.

I don't understand how the article could be laughable, when it illustrates how pain makes someone seek painkillers, instead of being able to live life.

Another person's post has been deleted-

I had hoped for understanding of the crashing down of my life, which is occurring right now.

[[Lu...]]

I've been hiding in my bedroom all day, with sheets to darken the windows.

This is really awful.

All I have done is come out and post here and eat a little.

I'm scared.

I have not achieved the peace I have sought by doing this.

It is a disaster.

Spiraling downward, down and down

Scared of everything- no safety in this world.

My family doesn't care about me at all.

My life is reduced to zero.

The gift of life is eluding me.....

Solitary confinement, prison, and it is driving me crazy!

There is no life here.

I am all messed up from how I have been eating.

Please don't abandon me- I am terrified.

The way I think is based on the way I feel: empty inside.

Hello?

Life is for the living- I am crushed.

Doesn't anyone know of this: pre-benzos?

I guess WR did- she wrote about major depression.

Life is so different for other people.

I don't think I'm making excuses for not doing things differently.

Something has really troubled me my whole life.

Abandonment and fear resulting from abandonment.

Please message me or something.

I want to get off the benzos- this is my exposure of what I am faced with- benzos or not.

[[Lu...]]

What you describe here is how I felt during severe depressive episodes, mixed with panic. Sometimes I hid in my closet (panic).  Most often just groaned in bed, but would often  say the words "I want to disappear", which then lead to "I want to die" b/c it was the only way I could think of disappearing, but felt trapped, b/c would not act on suicidal ideations.

 

I don't understand how to do quotes- maybe someone could explain.

This is the only time I have heard someone express and act the way I do.

WR- you are a real loss to this discussion.

[[Lu...]]

It's not the first time I have been accused of not being truthful about my life.

People, put a face on the story. Not some creepy guy who you cross the street from, instead of walking past.

Put a face like your own, or a dear loved one.

I think that some people here have done that, but to dig down deep into what might help me means sticking it out (without it being at your own expense).

I've, of course, read and considered every post.

When I say I am overloaded and frozen-paralyzed by life and fear, I am not exaggerating.

This became totally unbearable when I did a rapid withdrawal a little over a year ago (5 days off 40mgs of valium).

So, as others are gathering information and support to do their tapering, or living through the effects, so am I.

I'm presenting what I go through, and have gone through pre and during benzos.

It's easy to just write me off at this point. I wish you wouldn't. There's too much at stake.

 

[[Lu...]]

This must be relevant, since most everyone went on benzos because they were having a problem of some sort. Problems can be deep seated, and will recur upon withdrawal. I see many people taking other meds during their taper (antidepressants, beta-blockers, antipsychotics) and this clues me in to there being deep seated issues that are not resolved with quitting benzos.

I feel the crowd abandoning me: just when I need you the most.

So here is another article to read, if you dare.

http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/bpd-masterson.htm

When I read one of the author's books over 20 years ago, it "clicked" with me. I thought primal therapy had a better way of helping people. Both therapies' theories stand strong. I believe the actual therapeutic process is better with primal therapy.

[glow=red,2,300]That's why I so desperately want a therapist who can deal with these issues while I taper. Anyone?[/glow]

 

 

[[Lu...]]

It looks like I no one is responding. That really hurts, considering how much stress I am under right now. I can barely motivate to get pull it together to leave the apartment, let alone a really difficult, emotional job for the next 2 days. I don't know how I will survive this.

There's no stability in my life- how can I continue to taper, or even function, when so much is not the way I can cope with?

[Guest [Mi...]]

It looks like I am being ignored. That really hurts, considering how much stress I am under right now. I can barely motivate to get pull it together to leave the apartment, let alone a really difficult, emotional job for the next 2 days. I don't know how I will survive this.

 

No, Luerco, you're the one who is ignoring the rest of us.

 

Please post your articles in Off Topic for feedback. I've mentioned this before, but you ignored me.

 

There's less activity on the weekend on this website, so you may not get as many responses, but it's still worth a try.

 

And eat something. Again, I've mentioned this before, but you ignored me.

 

You've been given great advice on this thread by many members who are reaching out in the midst of their own suffering. It's a bit insulting to state that we're ignoring you when you're not responding that you've tried any of the advise that we've offered.

 

 

 

 

[[Mo...]]

Lucero, why not try to have a nice shower.... shave, wash your hair

if you have any , put some fresh clothes on and have a cup of tea,

must eat as MS mentioned before....just try it...

[[Lu...]]

I thought the article was about withdrawal and the core issues that may get exposed: that's why I posted it here. It's going to be really hard to eat well, because of the emotions that are being stirred up, and I will be in an isolated area. I don't mean to put anyone off or ignore anyone's advice. I don't know how to apply their advice to this situation. I need to function at a high level , doing major physical work and organizing, alone. The panic is intense. I've been hiding all week. If I don't do this now, I will have no other chance.

[[Lu...]]

Yes, Mooreweg, I am planning on doing those things before heading out. thank you.

What should I do with all my stuff? Should I bring records and books to a 3rd floor walk-up, where I don't want to live, or put them in storage, until later? I'm so tired from not eating and depression and anxiety. And then tools- I can't bring them to an apt. They need to go into storage, but then how will I access them without a car? I need some of them to work on a car, but I can't work on a car here if I keep them here. My whole life is changing, and doesn't make sense. I can't think clearly about this, and I'm sure tapering is contributing to my fear of even going out and dealing with whatever choices I make.

There is no magic answer, and everything is difficult. And money is a big issue, as well.