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[[Lu...]]

As I tried to explain through the article I posted twice- my anxiety about what to do about the emptiness in my life is what I am avoiding by not completing tasks. I can't just "be" with each day- and benzos I take to dull that natural openness to the day and life ( and also to the mess I make by not taking care of what needs to be done).

Can anyone relate or understand?

I just want to hide, rather than face the day.

Just want to close my eyes and make it all go away.

[[NY...]]

As I tried to explain through the article I posted twice- my anxiety about what to do about the emptiness in my life is what I am avoiding by not completing tasks. I can't just "be" with each day- and benzos I take to dull that natural openness to the day and life ( and also to the mess I make by not taking care of what needs to be done).

Can anyone relate or understand?

I just want to hide, rather than face the day.

 

Yes, I understand that.  I want to hide today too.  But I am shoveling food into my face and going to my doctor to figure out via a videotape of episodes whether I'm having seizures.  And I'm frightened, b/c I have no insurance.    And I can't go to a neurologist b/c I have no insurance.  And my teeth broke, and I have to pay out of pocket and I have dental phobia.  And don't want to eat.  Don't want to take a bath today.  But I am.  And my job may fire me b/c my brain isn't working.  And my husband is having a breakdown b/c of this taper and money issues and the stress it causes.  And about two nights ago I wanted to die, again.  And I haven't been able to sleep (insomnia return), so can't think straight.  But the first thing I did today is think of you, and thought, think I'll say hi to Lucero, maybe that will help him a little. Just a tiny itty bitty tiny little.  But it didn't, and that's okay.  I know it didn't help b/c you just write back the same things over and over. 

 

 

[[Mo...]]

As I tried to explain through the article I posted twice- my anxiety about what to do about the emptiness in my life is what I am avoiding by not completing tasks. I can't just "be" with each day- and benzos I take to dull that natural openness to the day and life ( and also to the mess I make by not taking care of what needs to be done).

Can anyone relate or understand?

I just want to hide, rather than face the day.

Just want to close my eyes and make it all go away.

 

Lucero, I found this post by dolphins1 , listen to his audio...

do you feel similar to him ?

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=133290.msg1780948#msg1780948

[[be...]]

Snow:

 

I just started reading this thread so I came in late. But I think the posts you made are spot on and terrific. You have gone through a whole lot of rejection, but managed to survive with your mind and body intact. I really enjoyed reading your posts~~so thoughtful and open. I have to wonder why Lucero is ignoring them or just says the same things over and over again. And you reply once again to him about his same problems. You are an asset to this forum, Snow. You have a lot of patience. I still don't know if he picked up his things or not. My guess is not. I'm afraid to ask, because I'll just keep reading the same excuses.

Bets

[[Lu...]]

I am sorry for everyone's suffering, and grateful for the efforts people are making to help me.

I am writing what appears to be the same thing because I don't think anyone has understood that article,

and the "void" that I experience that paralyzes me. It's not about the feeling you get from benzos- it's about the

debilitating emptiness I feel at my core.

I feel like collapsing and dying- my body stiffens up... like molasses in my bones- and my mind cries out, "I am alone!"

I researched catatonia, but it doesn't seem to be that.

Would you tell someone catatonic to just start moving?

I don't want to alienate everyone- what I experience is extreme.

I repeat until it is understood.

I can't get that audio to play, Morreweg.

I give up....what difference does it make if someone understands or not?

I'm sorry for everyone's suffering- it truly is heart-wrenching.

[[Mo...]]

I am sorry for everyone's suffering, and grateful for the efforts people are making to help me.

I am writing what appears to be the same thing because I don't think anyone has understood that article,

and the "void" that I experience that paralyzes me. It's not about the feeling you get from benzos- it's about the

debilitating emptiness I feel at my core.

I repeat until it is understood.

I can't get that audio to play, Morreweg.

 

Shame....it works for me, he seems to suffer very similar to you.

[[Sn...]]

Snow:

 

I just started reading this thread so I came in late. But I think the posts you made are spot on and terrific. You have gone through a whole lot of rejection, but managed to survive with your mind and body intact. I really enjoyed reading your posts~~so thoughtful and open. I have to wonder why Lucero is ignoring them or just says the same things over and over again. And you reply once again to him about his same problems. You are an asset to this forum, Snow. You have a lot of patience. I still don't know if he picked up his things or not. My guess is not. I'm afraid to ask, because I'll just keep reading the same excuses.

Bets

 

Awwww, Bets. You're so kind! But I've been following you around, and YOU'RE a hero around here, in my opinion. And so, your words carry a lot of weight with me. I deeply appreciate what you said. I will tuck it in my pocket as a reminder on my very difficult days. Thank you, friend.

 

Love,

 

Snow

[Guest [Mi...]]

Snowstorm is really helping you, Lucero. So much wisdom in Snow's posts.

 

I hope you'll realize how many people do care for you and are offering a caring cyber hand out even in the midst of their own pain.

 

There's purpose in that. There's meaning in that.

 

And when you're feeling better, Lucero, you'll be able to reach out and help a newer member who's struggling.

 

I can't think of a better purpose on earth than that. You can do this.

 

But for now, take Snow's advice and "Go. Get. Your. Stuff." 

 

I know it's hard, but accomplishing this will help fill that "void" you're talking about.

 

And each subsequent accomplishment - no matter how small - will also help with that void.

 

But for now, I hope you'll get a few of your belongings to help you get through this.

[[Ch...]]

I'm going to ditto the comments about Snow's posts to you, Lucero.  They are spot on.  She has addressed exactly what you're saying, although maybe it's hard of you to see that.

 

As other have urged, I'd also urge you to reread Snow's posts to you.  She totally hears you, gets it, and has written brilliant posts to you.

 

Go get your stuff.  It has to be done today.  Take your friend with you, the one you've gone to dinner with a couple of times lately.

 

 

[[Lu...]]

Could someone please address the complete alienation that makes my body just heavy (like leaden weights) and makes me unable to move or continue with any task?.....that feels like total futility and hopelessness, and makes me want to crawl into any place of hiding, but no place of hiding will do...to just shut off my mind- to just disappear- feeling that everything is unbearable?

[[NY...]]

Could someone please address the complete alienation that makes my body just heavy (like leaden weights) and makes me unable to move or continue with any task?.....that feels like total futility and hopelessness, and makes me want to crawl into any place of hiding, but no place of hiding will do...to just shut off my mind- to just disappear- feeling that everything is unbearable?

 

What you describe here is how I felt during severe depressive episodes, mixed with panic. Sometimes I hid in my closet (panic).  Most often just groaned in bed, but would often often say the words "I want to disappear", which then lead to "I want to die" b/c it was the only way I could think of disappearing, but felt trapped, b/c would not act on suicidal ideations.  So would just scream "I WANT TO DISAPPEAR!", "I DON'T BELONG ON THIS PLANET", "LET ME DIE", until I got too tired, then back to groaning, or weeping, or hiding under covers. During these times, I felt hopeless, that I would never come out again.  These got more intense and frequent for me as Klonopin tolerance set in (and lasted for years).  SSRIs stopped working, became "tx resistant".  I slowly would come out of them, but had to work really hard.  For awhile, I wouldn't do anything except the above, but eventually it became so unbearable that I made a list of "things that may help get me out of this", and did baby steps, then would get back to baseline functional.  The feeling of authentic 'joy' (not the right word, but peace?) I really haven't felt until I started tapering (or before tolerance set in, which for me was fast, year 3 through 14) - not sure if it's physiological or b/c I have hope for my future now, and so proud of myself for doing this.

 

 

[[be...]]

Snow:

 

I just started reading this thread so I came in late. But I think the posts you made are spot on and terrific. You have gone through a whole lot of rejection, but managed to survive with your mind and body intact. I really enjoyed reading your posts~~so thoughtful and open. I have to wonder why Lucero is ignoring them or just says the same things over and over again. And you reply once again to him about his same problems. You are an asset to this forum, Snow. You have a lot of patience. I still don't know if he picked up his things or not. My guess is not. I'm afraid to ask, because I'll just keep reading the same excuses.

Bets

 

Awwww, Bets. You're so kind! But I've been following you around, and YOU'RE a hero around here, in my opinion. And so, your words carry a lot of weight with me. I deeply appreciate what you said. I will tuck it in my pocket as a reminder on my very difficult days. Thank you, friend.

 

Love,

 

Snow

 

:hug:

[[Lu...]]

I don't want to live here- I'm never going to get better here- I feel like a total failure- thank you for indulging this

[[NY...]]

I don't want to live here- I'm never going to get better here- I feel like a total failure- thank you for indulging this

 

I am no longer indulging this. You need help, and this forum doesn't seem to help you. All of our posts, our pms.  you don't read, or can't. I hope you find a way through. I believe you can. But not through this forum. Know I do care for you and actually do think of you many times a day, even now.  Neglecting self care to write this. Please get help.  Hopefully you can browse that long thread of resources we all provided, or other BBS have more. I'm sorry. But I can't read your posts anymore. They are all the same. I wish you well.  Wr

[[Lu...]]

I have read all the posts, and am trying my best. I got out last night to a depression support group.

I'm under tremendous pressure from many angles that can't even be described here. Can that be accepted without being rejected? It may appear that I have heard nothing- that is not true. Now I've got more of a mess than ever with the move and my housing and any peace of mind. You got through more than you realize: I am very overloaded- that is the problem right now.

[[Lu...]]

You misunderstand....I am under so much pressure....I understand that you are as well...all of you

[Guest [Mi...]]

I have read all the posts, and am trying my best. I got out last night to a depression support group.

I'm under tremendous pressure from many angles that can't even be described here. Can that be accepted without being rejected? It may appear that I have heard nothing- that is not true. Now I've got more of a mess than ever with the move and my housing and any peace of mind. You got through more than you realize: I am very overloaded- that is the problem right now.

 

I'm going to take you at your word that you're listening.  Please take it a step at a time. I know you're overloaded. You've been dealt a crappy hand and you're reacting like someone in shock. Who wouldn't? Your world has been turned upside down.

 

Is it too late to get any of your stuff?

[[Lu...]]

I am in shock, and everything is happening at the same time....I am trying to figure out the correct next moves...a lot of pressure right now....I got some stuff, but much remains, and I'm not understood by "helping friend" at all.

[[Lu...]]

Everything is happening at the same time!

I'm losing it.

Seriously.

No words for this- am trapped any way I turn- or I can't have everything I want.

I'm getting sick from this.

It's all happening right now.

Losing any perspective...

This may be the most stress I've ever been under- or at least it's extreme.

 

[Guest [Mi...]]

Sometimes it helps to write down everything you need to do.

 

And then you can break it up into do-able sections.

 

You don't have to do everything today, but try to write down what you need to do and then prioritize it on paper.

 

And then pick the number one priority.

 

That's how I'm doing my move. I'm writing it down and doing a little bit at a time.

[[Lu...]]

I haven't been able to stop the panic. Thank you everyone for trying to help me.

What do you do when you can't stop the panic?

The reason I haven't systematically addressed everyone's suggestions is because I am so

terrified that I am searching for an immediate answer to this suffering.

I keep hiding in bed, and getting up to go to the computer.

Hiding to make it all stop.

I am writing about withdrawal advice- finding a way to cope while I am in the middle

of tapering is what is happening now.

I'm not smart- it's just that I am more able to speak logically than how I feel emotionally.

Please don't leave me- I am suffering.

[[NY...]]

I haven't been able to stop the panic. Thank you everyone for trying to help me.

What do you do when you can't stop the panic?

The reason I haven't systematically addressed everyone's suggestions is because I am so

terrified that I am searching for an immediate answer to this suffering.

I keep hiding in bed, and getting up to go to the computer.

Hiding to make it all stop.

I am writing about withdrawal advice- finding a way to cope while I am in the middle

of tapering is what is happening now.

I'm not smart- it's just that I am more able to speak logically than how I feel emotionally.

Please don't leave me- I am suffering.

 

Well, I didn't leave. 

 

"I got out last night to a depression support group."  Thank you for sharing that and high fives brother!!  I mean that with sincerity.  :thumbsup:

 

Lucero, you never ask for help tapering from benzos.  I follow you closely, more than anyone on here, and I have no clue what your benzo situation is right now.  Just that you ran out of pills about a month ago, then got them. 

 

Snow is wise.  Please listen to Snow.  Please thank Snow.  Please read her words and *reflect specifically* on what she has written to you so considerately.  Please do this, Lucero.  I know you can. I know you can b/c once you PMed me about my tooth issue - it was highly empathetic, you offered extremely useful suggestions based on your past experiences with dentists, etc.  So, I know you can.

 

Perhaps by responding to Snow's posts (you haven't - you replied, but didn't respond)... perhaps then you will be able to **hear** her.  All of her posts are precious gems.  I suggest you go back and respond to all of them.  And thank her, in each one.  Even in the midst of chaos, PERHAPS this will be calming, make you feel good, a little itty bit good, and maybe when you're hiding in bed, you will think of what you reflected on in your post to Snow and it will be of help.  It may even help you take a bath, get out of what you describe as "shock".

 

WR

 

[[Lu...]]

WR,

Thank you for coming back and trying again.

My benzo situation is I'm trying to stabilize now emotionally before the next cut.

And that has landed me hiding in bed.

In bed because everything is too much to handle.

Sno wrote to do what I think I can't.

Hasn't anyone read that article I posted?

I'm so terrified by reality that I lose my grip and nothing makes sense- I am faced with an unbearable reality....

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

 

 

[[NY...]]

WR,

Thank you for coming back and trying again.

My benzo situation is I'm trying to stabilize now emotionally before the next cut.

And that has landed me hiding in bed.

In bed because everything is too much to handle.

Sno wrote to do what I think I can't.

Hasn't anyone read that article I posted?

I'm so terrified by reality that I lose my grip and nothing makes sense- I am faced with an unbearable reality....

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

 

No need to thank me.

 

I read the article, but forgot what it said (sorry).  I have a lot of things in my life and your article got lost in the mix.  I need to read my own articles, as I taper, and do research for my job, so I can earn money, so I can keep my apartment, pay bills, buy food, pay for all of my medical expenses out of pocket (including Rxs), etc.

 

I am saddened that your are experiencing such terror, but I cannot carry your terror, and think I have been, in a weird way. I don't know why, but I probably will as my head gets clearer, as I recover from withdrawal.  I have been very Lucero-focused, but need to widen the net, help others, but most of all, I need to care for myself right now, Lucero.  Your pain is too much for me to bear witness to while I am in pain, yet I keep coming back. It's not good for me.

 

When I am stronger, I will be back. I promise. I care for you.

 

You are in my thoughts,

WR

[Guest [jc...]]

I think we're all struggling to take care of ourselves here.  We can support each other as it concerns the effect of benzo withdrawal, but we can't solve anyone's major life problems....not the purpose of this forum.