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[[Sn...]]

I have watched your posts. Are you actually trying to reduce your benzo right now? I can't get a handle on this. It doesn't sound like you're looking for taper assistance; rather it sounds like you're looking for a way out of your situation.

 

No one on earth can fix this for you except for you. Your family might never, ever accept or validate you. So what?? They're wrong. Stop giving them so much power.

 

Others don't determine your worth; YOU do.

 

So do something you are proud of, and build on that. One tiny thing at a time. Soon, you'll have a history of success, and you will know in your heart that the people who rejected you are fools. They'll never know that while you're begging them to love you. They'll know it when you no longer need their approval.

 

So stop looking for the impossible. It's not going to happen.

 

NOW. Today, what can you do that will make you proud of YOURSELF, so the next time you doubt yourself you can remember what you did and how strong you were? Think of one thing. Make YOURSELF proud. Everyone else is too self-absorbed to even care. Only YOU can find the value in YOU. You need to stop wishing someone else will make you worth it.

 

You are made of the same flesh, blood, and chemistry we were all made with. We're all of equal value, and no one's opinion will make that more or less true. It's irrelevant.

 

You are a human. Therefore you matter the exact same amount as every other human. Believe this, and drag yourself out of the pit you've dug for yourself. No one can do it for you. Believe me; I tried that route for years.

 

Wishing you the best,

 

Snow

 

 

[[Lu...]]

Thank you for the post, Snow...I'm aghast at what you have been through.

I'm so emotionally overloaded right now- so a quick reply, more later (I hope).

Every time I try to be in the NOW I just can't handle it. I emotionally crash. The aloneness is too severe.

To taper off the benzos more than I have will, I'm sure bring up more of these feelings.

I can't convince myself of inherent equal self worth with the rest of humanity.

It doesn't  "take hold".

So I landed on massive doses of benzos- 40mgs. of valium.

More later....

 

[[Sn...]]

Off the top of my head, right this minute, I can list the names of 100 people I have loved and needed that have rejected me as a human. Every one of these was an important relationship to me. Every one saw something ugly in me and walked away. This list ends more than 20 years ago. I could easily triple it right now.

 

None of these people were right, but all of them rejected and abandoned me. Often because they never simply tried to know or understand the truth, or my situation, or who I was. When it got hard, they bailed.

 

SO WHAT? Does this mean I am not worthy of love? NO!!! It only means that these people chose to live their lives in opposition to my very identity.

 

You probably could make a list too. So what?

 

Start a new one. Of the people you've HELPED. Of the people on this board who have invested in you. Of the people who could benefit from something you have learned.

 

Life is yours for the taking. We can't be or replace your family, and it sounds like your actual family is down for the count. MINE TOO.

 

So let's gather these shreds of hope up and MAKE something worthwhile. No one can do that for us. We must each make our own way.

 

You are worth it, because you exist. Now go do something with that. I'm trying ... And failing ... Every day.

 

Then I get up and try again.

 

You need to do that, too.

 

I'm rooting for you.

 

Snow

[[Lu...]]

terror

[[NY...]]

I have watched your posts. Are you actually trying to reduce your benzo right now? I can't get a handle on this. It doesn't sound like you're looking for taper assistance; rather it sounds like you're looking for a way out of your situation.

 

No one on earth can fix this for you except for you. Your family might never, ever accept or validate you. So what?? They're wrong. Stop giving them so much power.

 

Others don't determine your worth; YOU do.

 

So do something you are proud of, and build on that. One tiny thing at a time. Soon, you'll have a history of success, and you will know in your heart that the people who rejected you are fools. They'll never know that while you're begging them to love you. They'll know it when you no longer need their approval.

 

So stop looking for the impossible. It's not going to happen.

 

NOW. Today, what can you do that will make you proud of YOURSELF, so the next time you doubt yourself you can remember what you did and how strong you were? Think of one thing. Make YOURSELF proud. Everyone else is too self-absorbed to even care. Only YOU can find the value in YOU. You need to stop wishing someone else will make you worth it.

 

You are made of the same flesh, blood, and chemistry we were all made with. We're all of equal value, and no one's opinion will make that more or less true. It's irrelevant.

 

You are a human. Therefore you matter the exact same amount as every other human. Believe this, and drag yourself out of the pit you've dug for yourself. No one can do it for you. Believe me; I tried that route for years.

 

Wishing you the best,

 

Snow

 

:smitten: :smitten:

 

Lucero, please try to really understand (listen) to Snow's words, and think about what Snow has disclosed and how it relates to you.  Perhaps things that may have 'clicked' on some level in her post, even just for a moment, something that you felt you could relate to, jot them down.  Don't lose these words. 

 

Your friend,

WR

[[Lu...]]

I can't face this. The horror of it all. The smiling faces that lie. The so-called friends. The people who label you as mentally ill and abandon you. The wars, the killings, starvation, theft, doctors and their prescriptions, people who make excuses while being repelled by you to protect what they've got, on and on.

 

I'm seriously bugging out- can't face anything- please write to me- I'm scared..

I'm barely eating again.

I'm desperate- can't get a grip...thank you to all who have responded----I just can't get a grip.

This is abut tapering off- I need stability to continue....

don't want to end up in a hospital, please write, I am trying to find a way.

[[Ka...]]

Did you find a new doctor?  Do you have an appointment set up with your therapist?

[[Lu...]]

I have old doctor set for next week- am worried about what they will do. Have therapist this week- we are still in preliminary stages- if I get a new doctor outside of clinic, then I can see a different therapist more frequently.

I am completely losing it. I have barely eaten for days, and need to move my stuff from the old place. I am not well to do it.

I will lose my stuff if I don't. And I am physically in terrible condition because of not eating and emotions.

I am falling apart.

I feel hopeless.

[[ca...]]

I have watched your posts. Are you actually trying to reduce your benzo right now? I can't get a handle on this. It doesn't sound like you're looking for taper assistance; rather it sounds like you're looking for a way out of your situation.

 

No one on earth can fix this for you except for you. Your family might never, ever accept or validate you. So what?? They're wrong. Stop giving them so much power.

 

Others don't determine your worth; YOU do.

 

So do something you are proud of, and build on that. One tiny thing at a time. Soon, you'll have a history of success, and you will know in your heart that the people who rejected you are fools. They'll never know that while you're begging them to love you. They'll know it when you no longer need their approval.

 

So stop looking for the impossible. It's not going to happen.

 

NOW. Today, what can you do that will make you proud of YOURSELF, so the next time you doubt yourself you can remember what you did and how strong you were? Think of one thing. Make YOURSELF proud. Everyone else is too self-absorbed to even care. Only YOU can find the value in YOU. You need to stop wishing someone else will make you worth it.

 

You are made of the same flesh, blood, and chemistry we were all made with. We're all of equal value, and no one's opinion will make that more or less true. It's irrelevant.

 

You are a human. Therefore you matter the exact same amount as every other human. Believe this, and drag yourself out of the pit you've dug for yourself. No one can do it for you. Believe me; I tried that route for years.

 

Wishing you the best,

 

Snow

Very, awsome post Snow! Lucero where in Westchester are you i grew up there ! ~CD

[[Sn...]]

I have old doctor set for next week- am worried about what they will do. Have therapist this week- we are still in preliminary stages- if I get a new doctor outside of clinic, then I can see a different therapist more frequently.

I am completely losing it. I have barely eaten for days, and need to move my stuff from the old place. I am not well to do it.

I will lose my stuff if I don't. And I am physically in terrible condition because of not eating and emotions.

I am falling apart.

I feel hopeless.

 

I think we all feel hopeless.

 

I think few of us are eating normally.

 

I think we're all in physically terrible condition.

 

I think we're all falling apart.

 

So, other than that, did you find something to do today that you're proud of?

 

I'm gonna head over to my friend, Mindseeker's, blog. (I think she's been trying to help you.) You know why I'm doing that? Because I feel like CRAP, no one is going to fix it for me, and all I can do right now is sit here and click on stuff. So I'm gonna click on stuff that will encourage me. I'm not gonna wait for people to come to me; I'm gonna go to them. You know why? Because they might never come. And I need encouragement. So I'm gonna go say something kind over there, and maybe someone will be grateful. THEN I'll know I'm worth something. Because I helped!

 

Know what I mean?

 

Snow

[[Lu...]]

I know what you mean, Snow.

I think I'm about to lose all my possessions. The lawyer for the old place is not putting in writing that I have more time to move, and that leaves one day to do everything.

And I haven't bathed or eaten hardly anything in 2 days.

This is a disaster.

[[Sn...]]

I know what you mean, Snow.

I think I'm about to lose all my possessions. The lawyer for the old place is not putting in writing that I have more time to move, and that leaves one day to do everything.

And I haven't bathed or eaten hardly anything in 2 days.

This is a disaster.

 

Yes! Then, no matter what, this will be over in 24 hours. That's great news!

 

Snow

[[Lu...]]

I'm not following you.

The disaster continues if I don't get my stuff.

Life continues, day after day, and I am terrified.

I built that life, and I am losing it, unfairly.

Other people maintain their lives- I am terrified of the coming days.

[[NY...]]

I'm not following you.

The disaster continues if I don't get my stuff.

Life continues, day after day, and I am terrified.

I built that life, and I am losing it, unfairly.

Other people maintain their lives- I am terrified of the coming days.

 

She means you lose your things in 24 hours, so end of discussion.  It is done - you have a choice to make now, and if you don't go there, you will lose your things.  If you do go there, you will get some of your things, or all of your things. But it will be over in 24 hours...no more ruminating about your stuff.  You still have time, so up to you, Lucero.  You won't lose your things 'unfairly'.  You'll lose them b/c you didn't get them. 

 

Hope you find a way to at least get some of the things you treasure most/need most.

 

 

[Guest [pu...]]

I'm not following you.

The disaster continues if I don't get my stuff.

Life continues, day after day, and I am terrified.

I built that life, and I am losing it, unfairly.

Other people maintain their lives- I am terrified of the coming days.

 

This "nightmare" can either have a happy-ending, or be just that, a NIGHTMARE. You may think people are maintaining their lives just by pure luck, or special circumstances. A lot of people "maintain" their lives by deconstructing, and reconstructing. Throughout life we constantly are tweaking and modifying to maintain. I would take the advice on here and get your stuff. This is within your control. So if you loose all of your things, then it was by choice.

[[Lu...]]

Yes, people do maintain through persistent, hard work. I am so traumatized that I feel unable to do this.

I am traumatized, and have been al my life. I have a basic insecurity about being alive- there is terror.

This is "real" to me. I was up all night, and hid all day because of these feelings. This is why they put me on a high dose of benzos, and had no real expectations of me.

I thought I could do in-depth therapy that would help me with this.

I am sensorily and emotionally overloaded all the time- this rarely gets validated, if ever.

Life terrifies me.

Choice doesn't seem possible when I am so overloaded.

and I feel like I have no future without tremendous suffering.

 

[[Lu...]]

I don't feel understood. Nobody understands that irrational fears are trauma-based. People get sick of it and don't want to hear it- they just focus on behavior and actions taken.

I am so angry about getting kicked out of my old place by people who lied to me and managed to keep a beautiful place even after it was sold, while I am left to fend for myself. I am ostracized and a nobody.

[[Sn...]]

Yes, people do maintain through persistent, hard work. I am so traumatized that I feel unable to do this.

I am traumatized, and have been al my life. I have a basic insecurity about being alive- there is terror.

This is "real" to me. I was up all night, and hid all day because of these feelings. This is why they put me on a high dose of benzos, and had no real expectations of me.

I thought I could do in-depth therapy that would help me with this.

I am sensorily and emotionally overloaded all the time- this rarely gets validated, if ever.

Life terrifies me.

Choice doesn't seem possible when I am so overloaded.

and I feel like I have no future without tremendous suffering.

 

Me too!

[[Sn...]]

I don't feel understood. Nobody understands that irrational fears are trauma-based. People get sick of it and don't want to hear it- they just focus on behavior and actions taken.

I am so angry about getting kicked out of my old place by people who lied to me and managed to keep a beautiful place even after it was sold, while I am left to fend for myself. I am ostracized and a nobody.

 

Yup. People don't want to hear it. You're right.

 

Everyone here is hurting.

 

If you need a strong, whole person to validate you, you're probably in the wrong place.

 

People here are suffering unimaginable horrors. Then they get up, take a shower while completely freaking out, get dressed while in excruciating pain, and choose to live, while their very bodies and brains are telling them to give up.

 

Then they scrape their way onto the computer and try to offer others some hope.

 

This is a place of broken, hurting, brave, and mighty people just making life work for them, second by second.

 

No one here can fix this for you. I get that you don't feel like dealing with it. Do I feel like going to work and hiding in the bathroom with the shakes? Or showering through morning dry heaves? Or choking down food that tastes like, well, crap? Nope! But who else is gonna do it?

 

I mean, do you want us to come up there and eat for you? No, of course not.

 

C'mon, Lucero. Everyone is trying here. Throw us a bone! Not one word anyone has said has helped you? Then why keep asking?

 

Or ... Jump in. Suffer WITH us, and help those you can.

 

And tomorrow, go get your stuff. Or don't. Then live with what you decided. And we'll be here to cheer you on.

 

Snow

[[Lu...]]

I've gotten to the point where taking on any task scares me and makes me terrified. I don't think people get terrified the way I do- I don't get the sense they do.

They just have something I don't. In the last few weeks I've been told I don't have any balls and been yelled at- put down as a little selfish b*tch who needs a slapping.

It's just me, Lucero, who was so terrifyingly alone as a child, who gathered things to make himself feel like he had somethingin this world, who now has a lot of things and is losing them.

Just me left, naked and scared, without the ability to truly love, feeling socially unacceptable and useless.

I was told by my last therapist that my emotional coping level is worse than his most psychotic patients...but oddly, my intellect is much higher.

I told him that was what has helped me to survive all these years- that I managed to learn how to speak about the horrors I feel inside.

[[Ka...]]

"I was told by my last therapist that my emotional coping level is worse than his most psychotic patients."

 

Your therapist really told you this?  Really? I believed your story up until this point.  You are an attention seeker.  You don't want help.  You want attention.  This is ridiculous. 

[[NY...]]

"I was told by my last therapist that my emotional coping level is worse than his most psychotic patients."

 

Your therapist really told you this?  Really? I believed your story up until this point.  You are an attention seeker.  You don't want help.  You want attention.  This is ridiculous.

 

Easy guys. His therapist didn't say those exact words i'm sure, but it is what he heard, or interpreted. We all do this.

 

Attention seeking is not banned on this site...people do it *all the time* here. It also correlates with the history lucero has shared with us.

 

Quite awful to say someone who has disclosed their pain as 'a made up story' in the midst of dispair. If his posts irritate you, perhaps just don't read them.

 

Snow, you've given some great advice and refaming. Lucero, I hope you keep reading and re reading snow's posts. They are a gift, that she has taken time to write with consideration and self disclosure yet you don't respond to what she is saying, so wondering why.

 

Sorry you lost your belongings. Hopefully a wake up call that if you don't get up and do shit when you feel like shit you will lose shit. Yep.  You're not a child, as you pointed out, but you're acting like one, by calling things 'unfair'. Who wants to have your stuff laying around an apt you don't live in?  That's not how the world works and you know it. You also know if your had gotten you things, you would have felt better, having accomplished something that *seemed* insurmountable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest [pu...]]

"I was told by my last therapist that my emotional coping level is worse than his most psychotic patients."

 

Your therapist really told you this?  Really? I believed your story up until this point.  You are an attention seeker.  You don't want help.  You want attention.  This is ridiculous.

 

Easy guys. His therapist didn't say those exact words i'm sure, but it is what he heard, or interpreted. We all do this.

 

Attention seeking is not banned on this site...people do it *all the time* here. It also correlates with the history lucero has shared with us.

 

Quite awful to say someone who has disclosed their pain as 'a made up story' in the midst of dispair. If his posts irritate you, perhaps just don't read them.

 

Snow, you've given some great advice and refaming. Lucero, I hope you keep reading and re reading snow's posts. They are a gift, that she has taken time to write with consideration and self disclosure yet you don't respond to what she is saying, so wondering why.

 

Sorry you lost your belongings. Hopefully a wake up call that if you don't get up and do shit when you feel like shit you will lose shit. Yep.  You're not a child, as you pointed out, but you're acting like one, by calling things 'unfair'. Who wants to have your stuff laying around an apt you don't live in?  That's not how the world works and you know it. You also know if you had gotten you things, you would have felt better, having accomplished something that seemed insurmountable. An opportunity lost. 

Whoa, I'm really confused by this post? I think this thread has really gone off the deep end.

[[Lu...]]

I paraphrased my last therapists' words. Everything I've written here is true. He also said that he had had another patient who was at about the emotional level of about a 12 year old, but that I was much younger- preverbal.

I replied that I wanted a therapist who would do "primal-type" therapy- addressing early childhood- preverbal wounds. He told me that he did not do that.

He also said that I was really the only patient he hadn't been able to get through to in 30 years. I believe he was very angry with me 

He had told me he had a patient who committed suicide, so I felt that he was just tired of working with me. This was at the state clinic.

I'm tired...going to bed.

Thank you everyone.

Thank you Snow.

[[NY...]]

"I was told by my last therapist that my emotional coping level is worse than his most psychotic patients."

 

Your therapist really told you this?  Really? I believed your story up until this point.  You are an attention seeker.  You don't want help.  You want attention.  This is ridiculous.

 

Easy guys. His therapist didn't say those exact words i'm sure, but it is what he heard, or interpreted. We all do this.

 

Attention seeking is not banned on this site...people do it *all the time* here. It also correlates with the history lucero has shared with us.

 

Quite awful to say someone who has disclosed their pain as 'a made up story' in the midst of dispair. If his posts irritate you, perhaps just don't read them.

 

Snow, you've given some great advice and refaming. Lucero, I hope you keep reading and re reading snow's posts. They are a gift, that she has taken time to write with consideration and self disclosure yet you don't respond to what she is saying, so wondering why.

 

Sorry you lost your belongings. Hopefully a wake up call that if you don't get up and do shit when you feel like shit you will lose shit. Yep.  You're not a child, as you pointed out, but you're acting like one, by calling things 'unfair'. Who wants to have your stuff laying around an apt you don't live in?  That's not how the world works and you know it. You also know if you had gotten you things, you would have felt better, having accomplished something that seemed insurmountable. An opportunity lost. 

Whoa, I'm really confused by this post? I think this thread has really gone off the deep end.

 

Sorry for confusion.  First paragraph was directed to kate1, not the thread.

 

Back to lucero, his thread.

 

'Morning lucero. Hope you got some rest, enough to eat and try to get some of your things.

 

wr