Personal Boundaries

[Guest [yo...]]

Personal boundaries:

 

Types

 

According to Nina Brown's self-help book, there are four main types of psychological boundary:[9]

 

• Soft - A person with soft boundaries merges with other people's boundaries. Someone with a soft boundary is easily a victim of psychological manipulation.

 

• Spongy - A person with spongy boundaries is like a combination of having soft and rigid boundaries. They permit less emotional contagion than soft boundaries but more than those with rigid. People with spongy boundaries are unsure of what to let in and what to keep out.

 

• Rigid - A person with rigid boundaries is closed or walled off so nobody can get close to him/her either physically or emotionally. This is often the case if someone has been the victim of physical abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, or sexual abuse. Rigid boundaries can be selective which depend on time, place or circumstances and are usually based on a bad previous experience in a similar situation.

 

• Flexible - Similar to selective rigid boundaries but the person has more control. The person decides what to

let in and what to keep out, is resistant to emotional contagion and psychological manipulation, and is difficult to exploit.

 

Gestalt therapy uses the parameters confluence/withdrawal to denote personal boundaries, the ideal of being able to move between connection and separation at will being jeopardized by either weak boundaries (and enforced confluence) or over-rigid boundaries (enforced withdrawal).[10]

 

 

Narcissism:

According to Hotchkiss, narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist will be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist there is no boundary between self and other.[11]

 

Source

 

 

What do you think?

 

I see myself as a Flexible bordering on Rigid person in that I rigidly maintain set boundaries and will not allow anyone to cross them without consequences, but I do communicate my consequences well, I’m told, and try to be reasonably sociable most of the time.  Is that good or bad?  Hmm.

 

I do refine & choose which boundaries to set and have high standards of respect for other’s boundaries when I’m clear what they are.  Again, this is typical of a Flexible.  Naturally, I’ve crossed a lot of boundaries, too, so I’m no angel. 

 

I find pros and cons to this approach; on one hand it allows for some rich & deep relationships with most people across the social spectrum and keeps me relatively safe from invasive or manipulative people.  Not saying they're all evil or anything, just sometimes people don't realise it's happening by-prox of some of their behaviours, ya know? 

 

One the other my boundaries can be seen as a defence-mechanism, and occasionally not seen at all!  This is the reason people ether seem to love me or hate me, so says many-a-psychologist.

 

I’m cool with that.

 

I’m curious, though, what are your opinions on personal boundaries, would you find yourself on the scale and if so, would you be willing to share where and talk about any memorable  experiences with your boundaries being respected or disrespected?

 

I’m in a state of flux with this topic at the moment and I’d appreciate seeing a discussion going if anyone’s interested? I'm particularly interested in receiving advice on how to gently tell somebody they're crossing our boundaries without them getting upset and crossing even more of them.  For all my comunication skills, that is one skill I have not mastered, not even an amateur, in fact..

 

I may be able to draw some healing from it.

 

Thank-you,

 

 

Jobiwan

[Guest [Mi...]]

Hi, Yobi.

 

I'm definitely not an expert at any of this, but your comment "my boundaries can be seen as a defense-mechanism" seems very important - if not key - to the answer you're seeking.

 

I'm an extremely private person around most people. I have a really hard time making friends and most people probably think I'm more of a "rigid" personality. That is, until they become a part of my "inner circle" and find out who I really am.

 

Right now, my inner circle only consists of two people because I became even more reclusive during withdrawal. But if I need them to respect my space, I simply tell them something like "I can't talk about this because I'm having a really hard time right now and I'm still processing it. But I'd like your input later."

 

I've used something like that recently when my friend asked me why I wasn't more aggressively trying to find a better job. And my friend became less pushy and more understanding.

 

Hope that helps, Yobi. 

 

 

 

 

[[Te...]]

Yobi(Jobi?),

  What comes to mind is:

"Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgements..."

Sexual abuse by an uncle when i was a child left me with the early formative stages of PTSD. This, perhaps, led me to a profession that exacerbated the illness while feeding a need that could not be satisfied. My ensuing addiction(or allergy, if you will) may have been germinated by this...it matters not, except to the clinician. External narcissism was essentially rotten at the core, and self-knowledge was the kicker. A new set of values is necessary for growth. tex

[[ba...]]

i think im flexible. when im with a group of friends or with my boyfriend they look to me on deciding what we should do or even which movie to watch at the theatre

[Guest [yo...]]

[[MT...]]

I feel like I'm a combination of flexible and spongy with a dash of rigid. I'm pretty clear on what I want to keep out but sometimes find other's emotions leaking in. It's not so much about my behaviors, ie being manipulated, as it is about how I feel. Prior to wd and insomnia my boundaries were pretty clearly flexible. When I'm doing especially badly I do withdraw and get a bit rigidy.

 

As for gently telling someone they're violating boundaries--even if you do it perfectly, others won't necessarily respond well. Some folks are just intrusive and so sure they're right about the intrusion that it's tricky. Don't assume that you messed up based on another's response. Consider it but try to be more objective about it. If someone is truly centered and respectful, when you set a boundary, they will honor it and not give you crap.