5 years is a miracle for my cancer

[[Ne...]]

I think there should be an ethical suicide parlor in every city so people like me don't have to live in hell any more. Life is not worth living. Kurt Vonnegut had it right. Watch a movie, relax, die. What could be better. Maybe a guillotine at every hospital courtyard. I would do it in a heartbeat right in front of the hospital that threw me out and refused cancer treatment. I want my blood and brains all around their little fountain area just outside the cafeteria. I want my brains splattered all over the glass windows. My true wish is that the doctor would come with me. She is killing others right this minute and she does not care in the least. I am the abusive one.  That is my ideal setting. Then I will have a sign that says:  Lorazepam and my oncologist and this hospital have killed me with indifference and ignorance. Why live? The future is more cancer.  I have watched people die of cancer. I know what is ahead. Why try to withdraw from benzos when I am already dead? My brain is dead. My life is dead. I will not go anywhere or speak to anyone.  5 years is a miracle for my cancer. I have lost two of the years to lorazepam torture. I have no friends or family any more. I no longer speak to my husband. He never did anything all those months I was laying in bed in hell. I have wanted to die every day for two years.  Why live? No one believes me. I am just a crazy old woman who should die and quit causing the poor hospitals problems.  There will never be reform because the god of capitalists is money. I am not worth anything dead. They can't make more money off my body. Thousands of dollars of unnecessary testing because the hospital is run by the medical equipment guys and drug reps. They never cared about us. They care about the perks and profits. The Hippocratic Oath is really the Hypocritic's Oath.  It is when they use the words caring and compassion in the ads that really makes me puke.

[Guest [Mi...]]

I think there should be an ethical suicide parlor in every city so people like me don't have to live in hell any more. Life is not worth living. Kurt Vonnegut had it right. Watch a movie, relax, die. What could be better. Maybe a guillotine at every hospital courtyard. I would do it in a heartbeat right in front of the hospital that threw me out and refused cancer treatment. I want my blood and brains all around their little fountain area just outside the cafeteria. I want my brains splattered all over the glass windows. My true wish is that the doctor would come with me. She is killing others right this minute and she does not care in the least. I am the abusive one.  That is my ideal setting. Then I will have a sign that says:  Lorazepam and my oncologist and this hospital have killed me with indifference and ignorance. Why live? The future is more cancer.  I have watched people die of cancer. I know what is ahead. Why try to withdraw from benzos when I am already dead? My brain is dead. My life is dead. I will not go anywhere or speak to anyone.  5 years is a miracle for my cancer. I have lost two of the years to lorazepam torture. I have no friends or family any more. I no longer speak to my husband. He never did anything all those months I was laying in bed in hell. I have wanted to die every day for two years.  Why live? No one believes me. I am just a crazy old woman who should die and quit causing the poor hospitals problems.  There will never be reform because the god of capitalists is money. I am not worth anything dead. They can't make more money off my body. Thousands of dollars of unnecessary testing because the hospital is run by the medical equipment guys and drug reps. They never cared about us. They care about the perks and profits. The Hippocratic Oath is really the Hypocritic's Oath.  It is when they use the words caring and compassion in the ads that really makes me puke.

 

Hi, Neshamah. I'm really sorry you're going through this. Benzo withdrawal on top of cancer seems an especially cruel experience. We have several members going through this and it's heartbreaking.

 

As you know we are a benzo withdrawal forum and we completely understand how the suffering of withdrawal can lead people to think of self harm.  We are really not equipped to deal with this issue in any way, none of us are experts here.  I know you feel lost and you may not wish to go to ER.  There are other resources however, people who you can speak to on the phone. While they may not understand about benzo withdrawal, they can be someone to reach out to for help. 

 

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

 

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/international.aspx

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/resources/suicide-self-harm/

 

Perhaps having someone to talk to on the phone or in person will help. 

 

 

[[Ch...]]

Neshamah,

 

I read your signature after I read your post, wondering what has brought on such pain for you.  I'm so sorry for the suffering you've seen over the last few years.  I'm not sure I could have held up either under this sort of stress. 

 

Many of us here were put on benzodiazepines for trauma.  My mother was violently beaten in a home invasion...the home I grew up in and that my family had lived in safely for 50 years.  She died after 5 weeks on life support at Stanford Hospital.  My mother's physician thought I'd be better off on Xanax... I don't blame him, it's all he knew to do for me.  I paid the price with my taper and even though I'm an older woman (64) I'm glad to be drug free and restarting my life. 

 

I'm going to give you a link that contains suicide helplines and information.  We give these to people often because feeling like dying is a frequent issue in benzo withdrawal.  We want you to be safe, Neshamah.  If you're feeling this desperate, please get on the ground help... call 911 or go to the ER. 

    Suicide, Self-Harm & Threatening Behaviour

 

Keep posting, my friend.  You will get through this... but it takes time.  Your brain isn't dead, your life isn't dead...it's on hold and will get better.  When you are feeling better you can change your life circumstances.  For now, take it a day at a time, or an hour at a time...sometimes it's a minute at a time.

 

Challis

[[Bi...]]

Reading all these posts made me cry.  Life can be so unfair.

[[co...]]

Neshama

 

Your post almost *ALMOST* but for a few details, could have been written by me.

 

I am sorry this is happening-it blows my mind that people can be so cold and cruel, and ethics and basic humanity can be bought for a few bucks.

 

I wish I could be there for you in person...people need other people; we are not meant to be islands unto ourselves...don't know about you, but I often have a hard time here because no one on this site (from what I read here) is dealing with the real-life shit I am plus the benzo withdrawal.

 

How I long for real community.

[[Fi...]]

Neshama--your post is heartbreaking to me.  I do hope you find the help and comfort YOU DESERVE.

[[Ch...]]

Reading all these posts made me cry.  Life can be so unfair.

 

Writing mine made me cry.  I don't reveal that information easily or often.  Yes, life can be rough.  My mom used to say, 'Life isn't fair and don't expect it to be.'  Wise woman, she was, and I feel lucky to have been raised by her.

 

[[Sw...]]

So sorry you feel this way, Neshamah.  Just keep letting us know how you are doing so we can support you.

 

Sweet pea

[[lo...]]

Dear Neshamah

 

I am deeply sorry for the way you have been treated.

 

There is a limit to how much pain and suffering we can bear.

 

Are you being given anything for pain control or is that not possible?

 

My mother had cancer and I know she suffered a lot but this was alleviated by pain control specialists (UK).

 

Please get help. Don't suffer alone.

 

Praying for you.

 

LF

 

 

[[lo...]]

Reading all these posts made me cry.  Life can be so unfair.

 

Writing mine made me cry.  I don't reveal that information easily or often.  Yes, life can be rough.  My mom used to say, 'Life isn't fair and don't expect it to be.'  Wise woman, she was, and I feel lucky to have been raised by her.

 

 

I am so sorry you had to go through this, Challis. Life is not fair, for sure.

 

Hugs

 

LF 

[[lo...]]

Dear Neshamah

 

I am sorry to read of your dreadful experiences. My heart goes out to you. I have been reading your posts and admire how positive you are in them and how supportive of others you are in the midst of your own suffering. I am supportive of euthanasia as a last resort but it sounds as if you have much spirit left as your name, neshamah, suggests. It may feel as if your spirit has left you for now but I am sure it is still there keeping you going. I am 60, so only a little bit younger than you. Benzos caused me to suffer depression for 40 years. I am now off benzos, free from depression but in bed for 15 months now.  My symptoms are all physical but nerve pain in my bowel has been the worst thing.  Not knowing if I need to go to the toilet, loss of control etc has been deeply upsetting. I am sure your pain is worse than mine.  I managed to bear it because I knew it would pass. If it had not been temporary I would have asked my doctor for painkillers.

 

I hope you can get some respite. I hate to think of you suffering so much.

 

I also hope you will make up with your husband.

 

Sending love and prayers across the miles from Scotland.

 

LF 

[[Cl...]]

Dear Neshamah! Please calm down first, then, as you told me before, go to the other hospital to get you cancer treatment, I know it is a bit far away, ask you husband to drive you there. I am here with you. Please do not give up.

[[Ga...]]

Neshemah

 

im so sorry youre going through this. wish i could give you a hug in real life.

 

i hope you get some caring and compassionate help. you DESERVE it.

[[be...]]

Just know my heart is with you. I'll pray to God today that you can find some relief and hope. :'( :'( :'(

[[Cl...]]

Neshamah, no no no, I do not want you to leave BBs, no way, we all need you, your dog needs you, you need to be as strong as you have been.

Can you call a friend to go and see you?

I am not using facebook either, I am so sensitive that I cand stand bad little jokes. But BBs is a very supportive forum, we all understand you.

[[pe...]]

Neshamah,

 

I am so sorry to hear of all your pain.  Do not lose faith.  Nothing is impossible.  Just keep taking one day at a time.  It sounds to me like you no longer want to go the conventional route for your cancer treatment.  If I'm correct, please look into Gerson Therapy: http://gerson.org/gerpress/the-gerson-therapy/  This is one alternative that has helped many cancer patients.  Put all your focus on getting healthy!

 

PD

[[No...]]

 

  Neshamah,

 

          We love and care about you......

          It's truly unfair what has,happened to you.

          Don't let Doctor's,benzo's , the all of it win......

 

My hand and heart reaching out to you.

Not4me