Is anyone else dealing with an elderly parent who has demetia?

[Guest [jc...]]

Just curious, as I have become the sole care taker of my mother, who is 89 and has dementia; she is having more and more delusions and confusion about things.  It's pretty stressful, given that I'm still having bad withdrawal.

 

jc

[Guest [ba...]]

I went through this with my father (Alzheimers).  Perhaps not surprisingly, I started taking klonpin about the time my dad moved to my town so that I could watch/help him.  It's a situation that few of us are adequately prepared to deal with.  My dad passed away 2.5 years ago.  While supporting him in his declining years was stressful, it was also rewarding.

 

Good luck!

[Guest [jc...]]

Thanks badsocref,

You always have a positive outlook on things, I am sure that goes a long way with this.

 

jc

[[pi...]]

My mother had severe dementia. This was long before I was given a benzo and it was stressful for the family. Mostly for my father who was in denial for a very long time.  He thought she would get better, he was a fixer by nature and thought this was another problem to fix. It fell upon me to handle most of the issues (many) since I was the closest. 

 

There were really difficult times but in a way we had to approach them with some humor. Like the time my mom thought my dad was having an affair with her caretaker.  It was so unreal it was funny.  In some ways it was like taking care of a child and I said my goodbyes to my mom long before she actually passed away. 

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this in withdrawal, it is not easy.  You'll do what needs to be done and be there because it's important.  Take good care to find time to decompress from the stress.

 

pianogirl

[Guest [jc...]]

Thank you pianogirl.  Yes it helps to keep a sense of humor.  My mother believes that she still owns the big Victorian house next door that I grew up in.  She believes that the renters are "squatters" who are living on her property rent free and she is being charged for their utilities.  At one point, while she was still living alone, she actually called the electric company and had the utilities transferred to her name!  She calls the title company, etc., trying to "get to the bottom" of the situation.  When maintenance people come she starts telling them about the squatters next door and tries to get them to go over there.

[Guest [to...]]

I'm sorry to anyone going through this.  My grandma recently passed with Alzheimer's, which progressed for something like 10 years.  It was really difficult, and most of the work fell on my mom.  I know she was stressed like we all are.  It's a hard thing to get a handle on, also psychologically painful to watch.

 

On the humour-ish side:  My grandma believed the Jeapordy show host went to her church, and would always insist that he was in the front pew.  We used to just go along with it,

[Guest [jc...]]

to

On the humour-ish side:  My grandma believed the Jeapordy show host went to her church, and would always insist that he was in the front pew.  We used to just go along with it,

 

Thanks torbjorn,

Yes, it's best to just go along with it.  My brothers used to show her copies of the title to that house and try to "prove" to her that she no longer owns it, but it was all for naught.  It is hard to watch a loved one deteriorate like that.

 

jc

[[Ki...]]

My mother has Alzheimers and lives two hours away near my brothers. She is 88 years old. I havent visited her since July bc my withdrawal got tough and I cant handle stress any more. Im so afraid she will die before I see her again. I call her every other day, but cant bring myself to visit. I guess maybe the next time I wake up in a window I should hop on a train and go.

[Guest [jc...]]

That's great that you call her, I'm sure that means a lot to her.  I wish some of my siblings would call my mother once in while.

[Guest [to...]]

I worry about getting old, and no one calling.  I saw what my grandma went through, and I think there's moments of some kind of clarity, no matter how bad the dementia is. I sensed lonliness in her, in addition to severe confusion. I believe that everything you do, JC (and everyone here helping someone with dementia) is really helping your loved one psychologically. I lack rigorous proof of this; it's really intuition.  But as hard as it is, checking up frequently, even if it's the same old same old, is potentially going to help more than we'll ever know.

[Guest [ba...]]

I think that digital media (e.g. Facebook) will help to fill some voids when we grow old(er).  Our grandparents and even many of our parents didn't use it as we do.  I know numerous retirees who spend hours each day catching up with friends (who almost never actually call) via FB. 

[Guest [jc...]]

tor:  Yes, I agree.  It doesn't matter how confused they are, they still love to have people call and care.

 

bads: Good point about facebook.  My sis in law's dad is in his 80's and spends a lot of time on there and it's good for him.  At least when we're that age we'll have using the computer down pretty well (hopefully)

[[Fl...]]

tor:  Yes, I agree.  It doesn't matter how confused they are, they still love to have people call and care.

HELLO JC,

I AM DEALING & LIVING WITH BOTH OF MY PARENT'S. MY MOTHER IS 79 & DAD IS 87. MOM HAS DEMENTIA, AN AUTO-IMMUNE DERIVED NEUROPATHY, (SHE CAN NOT FEEL HER FEET TO MID THIGH HANDS TO UPPER ARM) SHE IS NOW BLIND IN HER LEFT EYE. IN FACT, I TAKE HER TO THE DOCTOR TOMORROW, AND HE MAY WANT TO REMOVE HER EYE AND HAVE A PROSTHETIC MADE TO GO IN IT'S PLACE.  DAD HAS SEVER CERVICAL/LUMBAR SPINAL STENOSIS. HE CAN BARELY WALK, AND I AM HAVING TO HELP HIM WITH "EVERYTHING"! LITERALLY. HE CAN NOT EVEN TURN HIMSELF OVER IN BED.

 

I AGREE WITH WHAT YOU ARE SAYING 100% ABOUT HAVING OTHER'S PHYSICALLY COME AND SEE THEM. IT IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR MY MOM....SHE WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR OTHERS "FRIENDS & FAMILY ALIKE" SHE CAN NOT UNDERSTAND HOW NO ONE IS WILLING TO PICK UP THE PHONE OR COME BY AND SEE HER.  SHE FEELS AS IF SHE DOESN'T MATTER. THEY ARE BOTH "VERY" LONELY!!!

 

I AM FIXING TO SPEAK MY BRUTAL HONESTY (THIS IS MY PERSONAL OPINION) I USED TO BELIEVE IN CELEBRATING MY PARENT'S LIVES VIA FUNERAL SO EVERYONE THAT CARED ABOUT THEM COULD COME AND PAY THEIR RESPECTS.  MY FEELINGS HAVE CHANGED TREMENDOUSLY! 

 

I WILL CELEBRATE MY PARENT'S LIVES WITH THOSE WHO HAVE CONTINUED TO COME AROUND (AND THIS IS THE SAD PART) IT CONSISTS OF MY DADS BROTHER & HIS WIFE. MY MOMS BROTHER & HIS WIFE AND MY COUSIN AND HER HUSBAND.  THOSE ARE THE ONES THAT WILL CELEBRATE THE MEMORY OF MY PARENT'S.  DON'T SHOW UP AT MY PARENT'S DEATH ACTING LIKE THEY MEANT SO MUCH TO YOU...WHEN YOU COULDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO PICK UP THE PHONE OR COME BY.  DON'T TRY AND EASE YOU CONCIOUS...I DON'T / WON'T BY IT.

 

IF I SOUND BITTER...I AM.

 

I CERTAINLY HOPE I HAVE NOT OFFENDED YOU IN ANY WAY. I JUST HAPPEN TO THINK IT'S SAD HOW WHEN SOMEONE GETS ILL....VERY FEW CAN BE "BOTHERED" TO SHOW UP AND HELP.  THIS SURE LET'S YOU KNOW WHO YOUR REAL FAMILY AND FRIENDS ARE, AND THE LIST GET'S UBBER SMALL.

 

BE WELL,

FLUTER

 

P.S. CARING FOR YOUR PARENT'S ON THIS LEVEL IS A TIRING / THANKLESS JOB.  CAREGIVER BURNOUT IS VERY REALL.  I'M SURE YOU HAVE FELT IT...I STRUGGLE WITH IT EVERYDAY, AND THAN LET'S ADD BENZO WD TO THE MIX...NOT VERY EASY.

 

IF NO ONE HAS TOLD YOU LATELY.  WAY TO GO AND GOOD JOB FOR TAKING THE TIME AND MAKING THE EFFORT TO CARE FOR YOUR MOTHER   YOU SHOULD FEEL PROUD OF YOURSELF

 

 

[[ea...]]

As a nurse of 30 years, I worked with many, many patients with dementia. In fact, some of them were my most favorite patients. They do feel love, and they do enjoy things. Many of them sense that they have lost a great deal, but just aren't sure what it is they lost. They need extra time, patience and care, but are so worth it. They give back a great deal, too.

east

[Guest [jc...]]

Fluter,

What you are doing is super human, I hope you have someone helping you out so that you get some relief.  Your parents are blessed to have you there for them.  Thank you so much for your kind words.  I also get angry about my siblings not even bothering to stop over or call.  There is a group of us that are dealing with these issue on the support group forum, you may want to check it out.

 

[[Fl...]]

Fluter,

What you are doing is super human, I hope you have someone helping you out so that you get some relief.  Your parents are blessed to have you there for them.  Thank you so much for your kind words.  I also get angry about my siblings not even bothering to stop over or call.  There is a group of us that are dealing with these issue on the support group forum, you may want to check it out.

I HAVE A BOTHER...I MEAN, BROTHER THAT MOVED BACK UNDER THE PRETENCE OF HELPING ME BECAUSE I LITERALLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE. HE HAS PROVEN TO BE MORE OF A BURDEN AND AN ADDED STRESSOR. NOT GOOD!

 

BOTH OF MY PARENT'S WERE ON HOSPICE, AND SINCE GOOD OLE OBAMA HAS GONE IN AND CHANGED MEDICARE THEY HAVE NOW TAKEN 6 DIAGNOSIS OFF THE TABLE.  MY PARENT'S FELL UNDER THE NEW GUIDELINES.

 

I HAVE NO HELP. I AM TIRED ALL THE TIME, AND I AM HAVING A VERY DIFFICULT TIME WRAPPING MY HEAD AROUND THE MOTHER THAT I HAVE NOW.  I AM LEARNING TO COME TO TERMS WITH IS.

 

JC, IT IS VERY FRUSTRATING AS I AM SURE YOU KNOW. WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU THE SAME QUESTION OVER & OVER AGAIN WITHIN THE TIME FRAME OF 15 MIN.  I'M FRUSTRATED  TO SAY THE LEAST.

 

IS THE SUPPORT GROUP HERE ON BB'S?  I WOULD BE VERY INTERESTED IN THIS. I AM IN THERAPY...IT HELPS (SOMETIMES MORE THAN OTHERS).  IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR "ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND" WHAT THIS IS LIKE UNLESS THEY ACTUALLY LIVE WITH A PERSON GOING THRU THIS.  I THOUGHT I WAS STRONG; HOWEVER, THIS HAS TAKEN ME TO MY KNEES.

 

HUGS,

FLUTER

[[Fl...]]

As a nurse of 30 years, I worked with many, many patients with dementia. In fact, some of them were my most favorite patients. They do feel love, and they do enjoy things. Many of them sense that they have lost a great deal, but just aren't sure what it is they lost. They need extra time, patience and care, but are so worth it. They give back a great deal, too.

east

I FEEL SO SORRY FOR MY MOTHER...BECAUSE YOU CAN TELL WHEN SHE CATCHES HERSELF SAYING OR DOING SOMETHING THAT SHE KNOWS IS NOT QUITE RIGHT.  SHE WILL TRY TO PLAY IT OFF.

 

WE JUST GAVE HER A NEW SLUMS TEST LAST NIGHT AND SHE SCORED A 12 OUT OF 30.  SHE HAS HAD A RAPID CHANGE OVER THE LAST 3 MONTHS.

 

I'M SURE YOUR AWARE OF THIS SINCE YOU ARE A NURSE OF 30+ YEARS, BUT MEDICARE "WILL NOT" PICK UP A PERSON WITH DEMENTIA IF THEY CAN NOW SAY 10 COHERIENT WORDS WITHIN A DAY OR WEEK (NOT SURE) ABOUT THE TIME FRAME.  HOW CRAZY IS THAT?

 

YES, THEY CAN CERTAINLY GIVE BACK, AND I MEAN NO DISRESPECT; HOWEVER, IT IS DIFFERENT WORKING WITH THEM AND LIVING WITH THEM. I AM AN OCCUPATIONAL/MASSAGE THERAPIST, AND  I AM WORKING A 24/7 JOB. EC....I'M TIRED.

 

I LOVE MY PARENT'S, AND I MADE A VOW AS A KID...THAT I WOULD "NEVER" PUT THEM IN A HOME!  I DO NOT LIKE ANYTHING ABOUT NURSING FACILITIES.  I JUST PRAY ALL THE TIME FOR THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE DOING THIS.

FLUTER

[Guest [jc...]]

Gosh Fluter,  hearing what you do I feel like I have little to complain about!  I guess a lot of the problem I have with my mother goes back to baggage from my childhood and her being a horrible mother.  I know that she can't help that now, it was just never resolved because of her mental instability.  Ah geez......now my poor therapist has to listen to me kvetch.

[[Fl...]]

Gosh Fluter,  hearing what you do I feel like I have little to complain about!  I guess a lot of the problem I have with my mother goes back to baggage from my childhood and her being a horrible mother.  I know that she can't help that now, it was just never resolved because of her mental instability.  Ah geez......now my poor therapist has to listen to me kvetch.

JC,

TRUST ME WHEN I SAY...I AM DEALING WITH UNRESOLVED CHILDHOOD ISSUES AS WELL. I THINK, IF EVERYONE IS HONEST...WE ALL HAVE THEM.

 

I HEARD THIS SAID....ADULTHOOD IS WHAT YOU SPEND TRYING TO GET OVER CHILDHOOD   MAKES SENSE TO ME

 

WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN DIFFERENT ISSUES TO DEAL WITH, AND ONE IS JUST AS DIFFICULT AS THE OTHER.  THEY ARE ALL VERY REAL.

 

NEVER FEEL BAD...FOR HOW YOU FEEL

 

HUGS,

FLUTER

[Guest [jc...]]

Thank you Fluter.  Good luck with your mom today.

[Guest [to...]]

I think that digital media (e.g. Facebook) will help to fill some voids when we grow old(er).  Our grandparents and even many of our parents didn't use it as we do.  I know numerous retirees who spend hours each day catching up with friends (who almost never actually call) via FB.

 

Good point, badsocref.  I actually met my husband online (by accident on a common interest forum, no a dating site).  The internet has become so much a part of my daily life that I forget how much of a difference it will make between generations from here on out, and generations past.