Self medication and relapsing

[[jo...]]

I've been off valium since April.

My taper took five years, just to get off 15mg.

Symptoms i took for withdrawal were perimenopause.

i did not know this.

I stopped drinking five years ago, I got cocky about it. It wasn't too difficult.

The thing is, alcohol is a sneaky drug which can ambush you with drinking thoughts out of the blue.

I got defeated by these today and got drunk for the first time in five years.

I love the alcohol buzz but its a mean drug and it has tentacles that can reel you in out of the blue.

I guess i am a big self medicator.

I pop pills, opiates one day, pregablins the next, sometimes speed, I rotate my drugs, so I never get withdrawals, but i stay the f&ck away from valium.

I always have to be on something.

The alcohol is wearing off now, and I'v smoked a bit of *&#$!!!

I find life too scary and I need a crutch.

The perimenopause has brought loads of anxiety and depression and terrors, but I know substances are not the answer.

I know its a symptom of a poor mental health state.

I've got to get in a state where I don't need a crutch.

I thought I'd beaten alcohol, but it snook up on me out of the blue, cos I was off my guard and succumbed to the urge to drink.