I'm still doing poorly. Update from Crittercuddler. Encouragment? Advice?

 Hello again to my wonderful community of support here at Benzo Buddies...

 

 I wanted to write an update thread, so here we go.

 

 Unlike many who stop posting on benzobuddies because they are feeling better, I haven't been posting because I have been feeling awful. :'(  To remind everyone quickly and to bring those up to speed who don't know my story, I was on Klonopin 3mg daily for about a year.  In February of 2008 I began a self guided taper that lasted until the very beginning of June of 2008.  I tried at that point to cold turkey off of .5mg daily.  I had a horrible withdrawal experience for three days after which point I reinstated and was shortly thereafter hospitalized.  At the hospital I was crossed over to Valium immediately at a lower than equivalent dose and I was quickly tapered off of the Valium over a period of about two weeks.  So, my last daily benzo dose was on June 15, 2008.  I have been therefore approximately 5 months benzo free.  (I say approximately because, like some others here, during the beginning of my drug free period I did slip up three times, each time taking I believe a .25mg dose.)

 

   My entire taper was incredibly awful, and the first few weeks and months benzo free were also such a nightmare.  You can read my first post here http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=8333.msg100337#msg100337.  At this point today I am not interested in recalling it in great detail, but just know that I experienced persistent depersonlization, derealization, agoraphobia, and deep depression that was suicidal in nature.  I also have dealt with significant concentration and memory difficulties, insomnia, and tinnitus.  Many of these symptoms are still present today at 5 months out, in varying degrees.

 

   So, in summary I am writing to say that I am not doing well at all.  To give you an update on the symptoms I am still having-

 

    Tinnitus- I have had constant ringing in my ears for 5 months now.  The ringing started during my last week of Valium and has not given me a moment of peace and quiet since then.  It is driving my out of my mind.  Sometimes I sit in bed at night and cry because I am so frustrated by how ridiculously loud it is and that it never goes away. It makes it very hard to fall asleep and hard to focus and concentrate.  I try to focus on other sounds and think of other things, but it inevitably demands my attention.  I often fantasize about beating my head to a pulp with a iron skillet because I am so frustrated by it.  I really worry it will be with me for the rest of my life and I can't imagine that. It is not acceptable. :'(  I believe the tinnitus is responsible for the derealization I am still feeling, as I only still feel that awful sensation when my tinnitus is bothering me the most which is when I am lying down or when it is quiet.  I can even hear it with the television on.  It is stealing my enjoyment from life, exacerbating my already very severe depression, and robbing me of peace and quiet.  From the research I have done I see that having tinnitus this far out is not very common; that tinnitus is still not understood well at all; and that no medication has been proven effective in treating it really except benzos that I can see, and taking a benzo to relieve this is NOT an option.  I am seeing an ENT doctor next month.  I am hoping TRT or a masker can bring me some relief.

 

  Depersonlization- I am sure this is strongly related to my deep depression, the fact that I have been unable to work or go to school for a long time now, etc...

 

  Insomnia- I still have a very hard time falling asleep at night.  I have had to take Seroquel most every night this last month to sleep.

 

  Depression- I had severe depression before I ever took Klonopin.  On Klonopin the depression worsened and since getting off Klonopin it is still very bad and at a dangerous depth.  I contemplate suicide on a daily basis.  Many times I fantasize about killing myself or the sweet release of death to try to relax at night when I go to sleep.  I of course have all of the other classic symptoms of depression as well- not taking care of myself (not eating or bathing regulary), loss of interest/enjoyment in most everything that I once loved, no self confidence, no hope, etc.. etc...

 

  Muscle jerking (myoclonus)- At five months out I am still having muscle jerks.  During a typical day I will only have a few light jerks, BUT when I take an anti-depressant (which has seemed necessary due to the suicidal depression) the muscle jerks become disabling at night when I am trying to sleep.  I get sleep myoclonus over and over and over again. It is so exhausting and makes it impossible to fall asleep.  As soon as my muscles begin to relax my whole body or a group of muscles give a quick and intense jerk.  Again, they are severe at night, when trying relax/sleep, when I am taking an anti-depressant.  I have tirelessly scored the internet for research on this to try and understand why it is happening and I have not learned much.

 

  Memory/concentration- Although it feels like it is better than it was, it is still really lousy compared to what it used to be.  I am so scared to even try to do anything that requires mental ability because I am instantly reminded of how much of a moron I feel like and it just devastates me.  This of course keeps me in a horrible limbo state where I can't even do anything to TRY and get my mind off of any of this.  I can't think of anything I can do that won't make me think about it.  And, if I don't challenge my brain I of course worry I will lose my mental faculties from that. It is just a vicious circle that I don't know how to escape from.  This is complicated by the fact that I have debilitating OCD and I obsessively worry about losing my intelligence already from that.

 

   Agoraphobia- I go days on end without leaving the house and I dread having to go do anything because I feel so embarrassed of myself. I hate interacting with people because I feel so inadequate and sick and it just makes me think of how I used to be.   I can't make decisions when I shop, I am constantly gauging my intelligence and memory when I am out.  The few times I do go out I am just overwhelmed by this feeling of wanting to run away as fast as I can and go curl up in a fetal position in the dark somewhere.  This social anxiety is new for me and very hard on me. Historically I have always enjoyed and looked forward to the company of others and reaped great joy from it.  I hate that I feel like I can't do anything or I am too depressed to even care about doing anything.

 

  I am so devastated at what has become of me and my life.  I, like many others, mourn who I have been in past years, and cry at the horrifying thought that I will never, ever, be myself again, that I have permanently changed my brain and ruined my life, etc.. etc... I try to sleep as much as I can because it is the closest thing to being dead.

 

  I am not convinced that Klonopin is completely to blame for all of this.  I say that because I got on Klonopin in the first place because I was very sick and in a desperate place.  My anxiety, depression, and OCD were out of control and I was already barely functioning when I started Klonopin.  The only reason I started it to begin with was because for some reason that is still unknown and not understood by my doctors, I have become incredibly sensitive to anti-depressants and have not been able to tolerate one since I weaned off of Celexa in 2005 and thus began my descent in to hell.

 

   I am so lost and so hopeless and in so much pain.  Everyday I feel like I can't possibly endure this or live this way for another minute, much less another hour, or day, or month.  Time passes by so agonizingly slow.  One month feels like three, yesterday feels like days ago sometimes... it is so awful.  I haven't been able to work in April of 2007, and I have been out of school since May of 2006 when I had only two semesters left to graduate as a nurse.  I don't pursue hobbies, I feel I contribute nothing to this world and that I am unable to despite my deep desires to do so, and like I explained before every attempt to get my mind off of all of this just reminds me of it all somehow... because I remember how it used to feel to do whatever I am doing, etc.. etc..

 

   

Hi crittercuddler -

 

I'm new here so I don't have the experience that the others do, and I know it probably won't make you feel any better, but I was moved by your words. I feel for you, I really do, I'm just beginning what I can see now is going to be a difficult ordeal of trying to get off Klonopin. A lot of what you said, I've felt too. I have found that talking about it, whether "virtually" on the internet, or with someone in real life, helps, even if it's just for a few minutes. Those few minutes are at least a few minutes where I have some relief. I'm finding that I really have to look forward to the little things to get some feeling of happiness or enjoyment, even a couple minutes of feeling good is better than no minutes at all of feeling good. It's frustrating that in the medical community there seems to be few who understand or have anything resembling compassion. Even while ON various medications I had a problem with depersonalization and still do now as I begin my taper process, it's such a strange feeling and it doesn't help my anxiety much either. As is the case with so many of the things we are suffering with, no one seems to understand it, and it's hard (for me at least) to adequately express it or explain it. I also have occasional "jerks" or twitches when trying to sleep, and I can fully understand how frustrating it is just to want to get some solid sleep because it's the only time you don't feel like crap (because you're not feeling anything at all). I hate getting up in the morning because I know what the day is going to entail but couldn't sleep in even if I had the ability to, I used to sleep soundly the night through and now I toss and turn and wake repeatedly. By morning the covers are usually a jumbled up mess halfway on the floor. Like probably everyone here, I am frustrated that my doctors saw fit to warn me that Klonopin was "short term" and for use "as needed" but continued to prescribe more and more of it, never once warning me that even after a few months of use, getting off would be like hell on Earth.

 

I sincerely hope things get better for you and wish you the best.

Hang in there. I do not have a lot of experience on this subject, but I will pray for you.

 

Tanya

I reread your post. Are you taking an anti depressant? You said you were very senitive to them. But I understood from you post that you may still be taking them.

Also , I see that you are taking Seroquel for sleep. Do you think the antidepressant and the Seroquel may be adding to your symptoms?

So sorry to hear about your experience.  My husband (Chester) has been benzo free since June 2008.  He had for months no relief from his symptoms; nervousness, fatigue, muscle jerking (especially head jerks, which he said came from zap in brain).  We simply ccould not figure out what was going on, he was on .5 klonopin for only 7 or 8 weeks.  At first, he certainly was experiencing the withdrawals from the benzo, but when it went on into October, we were stumped, not to mention very discouraged.  After someone on the forum mentioned his symptons and the fact that he was also on anti-depressants and experienced serotonin like effects, ie the muscle jerking, anxiety, nervousness, I started

researching anti-depressants which my husband was on (Celexa 60 mg).  Hoping this might be the answer, he started reducing his dosage and as it went down, the muscle jerking and nervousness starting diminishing.  He has just reduced to 20 mg and although is experiencing the withdrawal symptons from that, each time he reduced, he felt better.  It has only been a week since he reduced, he is feeling nervous and muscle jerking intensifies, but this is typical of the withdrawal symptons, they should abate in a week or so. 

 

It certainly is well worth the effeort to think about the side effects of your anti depressant.  The symptons (from side effects)seem to mimic benzo withdrawal.  My husband was on Zoloft for several years, and never had any side effects.  Each medication reacts differenltly on different fpeople.  Plenty of research on internet for anti depressants and side effects. 

 

Nadj

 

 

azdamay-

 

Yes, talking about it does help, doesn't it?  I have found that talking about it in person is more therapeutic for me than online.  There are more people to talk to about it online and a wealth of others who have gone through the same or similar experiences, but the drawback I find with online is that I just wear myself out as a result of its easy access... endlessly reading posts and responding to them.  I often get up from the computer and feel very stressed out, instead of better! I am glad it is here though.  I agree that a couple of minutes of feeling good is better than no minutes.  I have also found though that feeling good, while enjoyable, makes the bad time seem even worse, I guess because the contrast is so great? Regardless, I too try to be thankful for the good moments.  I don't have a lot of them right now, and I am not great at being thankful when I do have them, but I try.  Yes, the medical communities lack of understanding about the seriousness of this situation is devastating and anger provoking.  The doctor that put me on Klonopin didn't warn me about it at all.  She wanted me to double my dose super quickly.  She was like, well, "take 2mg at night if you can't sleep. If it gives you a headache, take an Advil." I am glad I didn't take that advice or I would have been on an even higher dose than 3mg a day when I finally did stop.  The second doctor I went to did warn me that Klonopin could cause memory problems when used long term, but she didn't mention the difficulty or hell that could ensue with withdrawal, and she insisted on me continuing to take Klonopin until I could get stable on an anti-depressant... even though I was having no success at that. Had it not been for my own initiative, I would still be taking it, no doubt.    I think it is good that you go ahead and get out of bed when you can't sleep.  I know I am making my severe depression all the worse by not doing that.  When I can' sleep I just lay in bed and try and try and try. I am sorry you are feeling depersonalization too. 

 

If I remember right you haven't been on Klonopin for too terribly long or for that high of a dose, right? Perhaps your withdrawal will be easier then?  Here is hoping so.

 

Thanks for writing.

Oh, azdamay-

 

Let me know how the Buspar helps your anxiety, okay? You just started it so I don't suppose you will be able to report on it and really know for a few months... but try and remember to!

 

-michelle

Tanya,

 

  Thank you for taking the time to pray for me.  I am not a believer myself, but I used to be... and I know it shows someone really cares when they take the time to do that.

 

I have been taking Seroquel, 25mg PRN, to help me sleep.  I don't get the muscle jerking with the Seroquel though. Perhaps it is the method by which an SSRI works, or the inital adrenaline/activation response I am getting that is causing the jerking.  I don't know. I do know Seroquel does not have the potent effects on Serotonin that SSRI's have, plus it has dopamine antagonism... so it is all together different, I guess that is why I don't get the same reaction.

 

I don't like Seroquel, and I try to not take it unless I just have to.  Even at the 25mg dose I take I am sedated most of the next day.  Also, I notice that when the sedation wears off that it is replaced by an awful feeling of anxiousness... like I am fixing to get up on stage and give a speech and I'm not! I could be just relaxing around the house and get it.  I have been using the Seroquel PRN to sleep since last October.  I used it pretty sparingly for a long time, but started to have to use it a lot more starting this summer.

So sorry to hear about your experience.  My husband (Chester) has been benzo free since June 2008.  He had for months no relief from his symptoms; nervousness, fatigue, muscle jerking (especially head jerks, which he said came from zap in brain).  We simply ccould not figure out what was going on, he was on .5 klonopin for only 7 or 8 weeks.  At first, he certainly was experiencing the withdrawals from the benzo, but when it went on into October, we were stumped, not to mention very discouraged.  After someone on the forum mentioned his symptons and the fact that he was also on anti-depressants and experienced serotonin like effects, ie the muscle jerking, anxiety, nervousness, I started

researching anti-depressants which my husband was on (Celexa 60 mg).  Hoping this might be the answer, he started reducing his dosage and as it went down, the muscle jerking and nervousness starting diminishing.  He has just reduced to 20 mg and although is experiencing the withdrawal symptons from that, each time he reduced, he felt better.  It has only been a week since he reduced, he is feeling nervous and muscle jerking intensifies, but this is typical of the withdrawal symptons, they should abate in a week or so. 

 

It certainly is well worth the effeort to think about the side effects of your anti depressant.  The symptons (from side effects)seem to mimic benzo withdrawal.  My husband was on Zoloft for several years, and never had any side effects.  Each medication reacts differenltly on different fpeople.  Plenty of research on internet for anti depressants and side effects. 

 

Nadj

 

 

 

Dr. Ashton says that people who come off of benzos have an "exquisitely sensitive nervous system".  Perhaps after coming off of Klonopin your husband's nervous system could no longer tolerate the SSRI for that reason (like you are thinking.) 

 

Of course, from what I have seen here on this forum, and have experienced myself, I would not rule out that your husband is still having post withdrawal symptoms.  Many people on here have been suffering a withdrawal syndrome for some time.  Your husband didn't take Klonopin for that much longer than recommended though so perhaps the chances of it being that aren't that high. I am not sure though. Hopefully when he gets off Celexa all the way he will feel better and hopefully will not relapse into the depression that put him on it in the first place.

 

Thanks for sharing! Let me know how it goes.

Oh, azdamay-

 

Let me know how the Buspar helps your anxiety, okay? You just started it so I don't suppose you will be able to report on it and really know for a few months... but try and remember to!

 

-michelle

 

So far I've been taking it for about 3 weeks, but it's hard to say how well it's working or not working. I had been taking it for about two weeks when I tried to essentially cold turkey the Klonopin, it certainly didn't help then. It's hard to say, though, because the Klonopin right now is easing my anxiety, and the withdrawal is going to provoke anxiety, and the BuSpar works in a different way than the Klonopin, so it does not ease the withdrawal symptoms. Once I'm off Klonopin maybe I'll be able to get a better idea. Apparently the generally accepted philosophy is, for those of us who have been treated with benzo meds, BuSpar has little apparent effect because we are used to the immediate (or almost immediate) relief of anxiety. I'll keep it updated though!

 

BTW I didn't like Seroquel either, one of the things I have learned the hard way during this year is that meds intended for people who are bi-polar, schizophrenic, or otherwise, don't seem to help anxiety or depression much. Mostly they just aggravated my symptoms or made me feel nauseous and sick. I went from the typical stuff to the heavy stuff pretty fast, they put me on Paxil, then Celexa, then Trazodone, Ativan, Ambien, Depakote, Seroquel, and Neurontin, in addition to still taking Remeron and Klonopin. I suspect they were testing me to see how I responded to bi-polar meds to determine whether or not I was bi-polar. It's been a sickening whirlwind and I'm ready for it to be over. Back at the beginning of this year, when I had anxiety and panic attacks, I thought to myself "I'll take anything if it makes the anxiety go away." Now, after this experience, I'd almost rather have low level anxiety and the occasional panic attack rather than the mess I've been in so far. I'm sad when I think of how much time this year I've devoted to thinking about anxiety, depression, and medications.

 

Good luck on your journey, I hope things get better for you soon.

Oddly enough, he went to the Dr. last January because he has been on Zoloft on and off for past several years, esp. winter months for mild depression.  New Doc put him on 100 mg x 3 a day Wellbutrin and 100 mg Zoloft.  This was not gradually introduced, just told to start all at once.  Ended up in hospital with seritonin  syndrome.  Then given Klonopin there to calm the anxiety and insanity provoked by the medications.  Still can't figure out why he was given two meds and not gradually increased.  Doctors.    Any way while in hospital, they also started him on Celexa for the depression he went to dr. for in first place.  People experiences all differ when it comes to ssris, he will cross over to a lose dose Zoloft if his symptons continue at this low dose. Never had any problems on Zoloft when it was introduced correctly and slowly. We are thinking due to the head jerking increasing while he withdraws, this may be related to the ssris, but I am sure his nervous system is extremely sensitive too.  When he gets upset, his head jerks go a mile a minute.  But is still plodding along, although sick to death of the whole thing.  But what can you do....gotta keep moving forward and try to have a positive attitude. 

 

Nadj

If you are able, I would suggest having him evaluated by a neurologist, just to make sure everything is alright. It sounds like his head jerks can get pretty bad and that concerns me.

Where is everybody?  I don't understand why hardly anyone is responding to my post. 

I'm new here myself and coming off a low dose of lorazepam.  That said...I work with all sorts of medical research etc...which is how I recognized the interdose withdrawal right away and said "No more, thanks!".  I too am very sensitive to meds (could kick myself for ever taking the lorazepam but...it's done now!) Anyway, you are 5 months out from some heavy usage of a benzo.  From what I have researched as well as read on this site...it looks like you are just entering the point to having feel good windows rather than the point where everything falls into place.  This is a process and a slow one at that...give yourself credit for the small things...and I mean really small like getting out of bed, posting to this forum, just taking care of yourself each day.  When you are feeling poorly whether med induced or not, these little things are actually tremendous tests of will....and you are accomplishing them!!!  Also, I do not know what your entire situation is but you might want to find a doctor or even naturopath who can help you through this with some nutritional or supplement support.  Remember, all the SSRIs do is RECYCLE the available seratonin, not help your body make more...in the end, this can lead to a further drop in levels as the body stops making what little it did have.  Also, seratonin and dopamine go hand in hand....anything that suppresses dopamine can cause twitches, jerks, extreme muscle reactions.  This is why so many people on antipsychotics like schizophrenics have a tic, there is no such thing as a true anti-psychotic drug, that whole class is a deep, deep, sedative that suppresses dopamine.  In the end, continuous use at the high doses used for those types of conditions cause what is called Tardive Dyskenesia...the muscle tics.  But I am straying away from what I am trying to say....

Coming off of the benzos the brains neurotransmitters are depleted (GABA being one of them but not the only one)...seratonin is a neurotransmitter as well...(see how this ties back to the use of SSRIs?) It is worth finding a doctor who will run a test on your neurotransmitter levels...it is usually as simple as a morning urine to see what the body is excreting.  There are all sorts of supplements et al for aiding in rebuilding neurotransmitters...some of it can be accomplished nutritionally but it depends on the individual...one person's cure can be another person's misery...just because we are talking vitamins and such doesn't mean it helps everyone!  You may even notice there are some people on this forum taking a protein supplement like drinking whey protein shakes.  This helps give your body essential amino acids....amino acids are the building blocks of neurotransmitters.  Vitamin D3 is also a precursor to both seratonin and dopamine production...it is worth having your vitamin D level tested too...a lot of us are deficient there simply because with work and life in general we are not spending enough time in the sun for our bodies to make the adequate amount of vitamin D.

I hope I haven't soap boxed you to death!!  I really feel for you and I know how badly I want to be okay so I can only imagine what you are going through.  Sometimes, it helps to have tools and options even if you never use them just to know they are there. ((((HUGS)))

Hi Critter,

 

I just want to send you all my love and let you know that I am wishing you all the best life has to offer.  I read your posts but get lacks in responding.  Do you have family and friends around for support?  I know  you feel all alone in this process.  You just have to keep trying to draw from your inner strength.  Arms are around you.

 

Patty  xoxoxo

Fraidycat-

 

Thank you for your thoughtful and extensive reply.    You are right about how SSRIs work to "recycle" the serotonin we already have to work with.  When I first learned basic brain chemistry and receptor behavior in Anatomy and Physiology I started to question if an anti-depressant was just essentially working against itself in the long run. (due to post synaptic receptor down-regulation from the excess of serotonin and because the brain would not make as much serotonin if it wasn't getting as many cues due to the receptor blockade at the pre-synaptic receptor as well, right?)  Anyway, I have also read and been told by a doctor that the problem isn't a shortage of serotonin in people with mood disorders, but rather how they use the serotonin they do make.  I don't know. I sure wish they would figure it out. 

 

I know I should give myself credit for the small things, but it is so hard not to beat myself up instead for how minimally I am functioning... and to compare the me now to the me I used to be... it is just devastating.

 

As far as my muscle jerks, I do not believe they are related to dopamine antagonism, in other words I do not believe it is an EPS symptom.  They are not twitches or tremors, but myoclonic jerks, like sleep starts.  They are a symptom of serotonin syndrome, but I don't seem to have that.  I feel very confident they are not from my PRN use of Seroquel because I have them regardless and when they get really bad it is in response to an SSRI, not the tiny dose of Seroquel I take sometimes to sleep.

 

I decided to buy some 5-HTP.  I took it tonight (50mg) and low and behold it has made me feel wired instead of helping me sleep.  I am not surprised. What do you know about 5-HTP? I read up a lot on it tonight online but I wondered if you could share anything you thought was important.

 

 

Patty,

 

 

Thank you so much for stopping by and sending a virtual hug.  The only people I really have in my life are my mom and dad.  I am somewhat close to them, and they try to understand, but they are busy (making money to help take care of me) and it is kind of hard for someone to understand or digest all this who hasn't been buried in it like we are.  I have never had a lot of friends historically, always preferring to just have one or two close friends, but as of the past few years I have been isolating very bad.

I wanted to clarify that the 50mg dose of 5-HTP has given me insomnia and made me feel somewhat wired, but at the same time I can sense a drowsiness underneath it.  It is the same uncomfortable feeling anti-depressants give me.  My mood responded positively to just the one dose though. 

Hey Critter;

 

5-HTP encourages serotonin production...this would be why you felt the same reaction as with the SSRI and yet an added "calm" underneath it.  Some people can't tolerate 5-HTP well (i.e it over stimulates) however not to be too personal...but where are you in your monthly cycle (I am assuming your gender here)?  There is another post on here somewhere  that Beeper moved to its own subject...I was talking to Cal about hormones and benzo withdrawal.  Progesterone cream may help you, it does not have a stimulating effect like 5HTP it has a sedating effect and actually interacts with the same GABA receptors as the benzos (but without these crappy side-effects).  I posted a link to a study in which progesterone withdrawal was shown to be similar to benzo withdrawal and they actually discussed using doses of progesterone to enhance the action of benzos.  Not that we are all looking to prolong our use BUT the important tidbits were that during the days right before your period, all women have a drop in both progesterone and estrogen...this drop is going to make it harder for someone withdrawing from a benzo as you are then losing some of your natural body made calming agent.  My guess is that every woman on this board has an easier time during the peak of progesterone production.  The key is not to use too much an screw up your cycle or hormones.  There is a website and some great book s by Dr. John Lee that discuss what he calls "estrogen dominance" given that we come in contact with so many synth estrogens these days in foods, plastic products, etc...so our bodies are off kilter and could use a bit of extra progesterone for balance.  You can get progesterone cream over the counter in a health food store...Dr. Lee recommends some specific brands but also some general rules of thumb about what to look for in a cream.  Don't go for the wild yam creams...they do not contain the activated progesterone only the diogensin (I so know I spelled that wrong) which the body cannot convert into progesterone.  Look for a cream that is about 450 mg of progesterone per ounce as this doses out to about 15 or so grams per 1/4 teaspoon (the recommended balancing dose).  Another supplement that seems to be helpful (and I see some users of it on this board) is SAMe, also GABA-genic I think but you can look it up more.  You may just find adding the protein supplement like the whey protein powder daily is helpful and a bit more gentle.  There is a supplement one of mu docs wants me to try to balance my neurotransmitters but I want to wait until I get the benzo gone.  I have taken one of those "combo" supplements before and immediately had a panic attack...granted once it was over I felt calm and sleepy *grin* but it just wasn't worth continuing to take it.  I almost forgot...instead of the 5HTP have you tried Melatonin?  A low dose like 3mg to start at bedtime.  This is the flip side of serotonin and what the body produces to make us drowsy for sleepy-time.  It shouldn't wire you but everyone is different.  Let me know how it goes.  Maybe the 5HTP is something for you to try later after the benzos? Or even after/stopping anti-depressants if that is an option for you? 

I understand about mourning the loss of who you were, I am right there with you.  I have two small children and these days I feel like the world's crappiest mom.  My Dad also passed away a few weeks ago and that has added to it all.  I feel like a schmo falling apart on my sister when she is grieving too...it sucks.  But, it is all a process (or at least I keep telling myself).  It is important to be kind to ourselves, we are often our own worst enemy and we can only do what we are able to do.  We need to let that be enough...that's the truly difficult part.  OR at least I think so...it is so hard for me not to say screw it, I'm just not taking any of this medication period no taper no nothing...but I know it will be harder than I can handle right now.  Last night I dropped my evening dose off totally so I am at .25AM and .25afternoon.  I thought I did well until this morning when about half an hour after I took my morning dose I started to have a panic attack.  I dropped the milk on the floor my hands were shaking so bad, I felt nauseous, and then got a nice fat headache.  All I could do was get int he shower...then make a cup of tea...and get on this board!  I have to get my kids to daycare and try to make it to work if I am able today. (See...I can't even be kind to myself!!! This stuff is hard!) You and I just both need to know this will be over at some point and even when we are benzo free, it is going to take our bodies and brains some time to recover.  Rome wasn't built in a day as the saying goes.  I know 5 months seems like a lot of time to still be having symptoms and I know it has to be disappointing to say the least BUT you are healing....each day you do this it is with the benzo behind you, not over you.  Does that make sense?  In a way, we are all like victims of war or of a crime...a crime against our bodies and minds....trauma takes time to heal and ours is both physical and mental.  Give yourself some time.  I know it might seem easier to isolate but sometimes "fake it till you make it" does work.  Even if it is just one friend you let in, and they have to come to your house to watch a movie...I am sure they will and you might find you have a better time than you think just not being alone.  If you are not up for that....we are all here too!

Hi Crittercuddle:

I am also struggling with wd. I don't have a great track record at about 6 weeks of crossing over from xan to val, but I have been discouraged by val switch and wish I tried more persistently to direct taper off xan. Water under the bridge. Moving forward, I too had a little seroquel and found it doesn't help, I don't think taking anything helps, except to cut your dose slowly and gradually. I am in a quandry myself, trying to figure out how to move forward with anything in my life. I am paralyzed by my catastropic thinking and know it, but can't seem to get past it. I think social isolation begets social isolation and getting out helps even though it's scary. I use self talk forcing myself to do little things and I ususally feel better afterward, but I must confess my functionality has gone from a 10 to a 2. And I need to get my act together. I am married with 2 kids and serve as a poor role model for my kids, not working currently and flipping out all the time. Need to be stable but it's hard. I have all the classic WD symptoms, GI, insomnia, extreme anxiety, panic, feeling overwhelmed, alone, scared. Been through chills and nightsweats, blurred vision. But I doubt that other meds will do anything that includes supplements although I drink odwalla protien shakes because my of loss of appetite and wt loss. I just keep posing the question, what's the alternative? There isn't one really but to get through it. Yes, seeing people as you noted in an earlier post does help if you have someone supportive to see. Keep me posted.

So, I have decided that I would like to try making a whey protein shake. 

 

1.Any recipe suggestions?

 

2.Tips on buying whey protein?

 

3.How many should I drink per day?

 

4. How is this kind of shake better than say... a protein shake made of carnation instant breakfast, two scoops powdered milk, and of course milk. (This is the kind I used to make when I was trying to gain weight back.  I still need to gain weight.  I am 5'7" and 108 lbs at most.)

I am in a quandry myself, trying to figure out how to move forward with anything in my life. I am paralyzed by my catastropic thinking and know it, but can't seem to get past it. I think social isolation begets social isolation and getting out helps even though it's scary. .... my functionality has gone from a 10 to a 2.

 

I could have said those exact words myself. I often use the word paralyzed to describe how I am feeling.  I too am a catastrophic thinker... drowning in vicious thought loops driven by my OCD and I can't ever seem to catch a breath.

Fraidycat-

 

  I am going to start my period soon. Probably around the 17th.  I had not heard that about hormone cream. Thanks for sharing.  Every test I get comes back normal, so I am hesitant to test anything else like hormones or vitamin D.

 

  I read today that inositol can help with OCD, taken in high doses of 15-20g, daily. You can buy it in bulk.  There is a study they did adding it to fluvoxamine that showed its effectiveness. 

 

  I also found out today about N Acetyl cysteine, which is a supplement you can buy. It is supposed to work by mediating glutamatergic (a word?) transmission.  Current research is showing links with glutamate and OCD.  Buying the supplement would be a lot cheaper than using a prescrption drug like Namenda or Riluzole. I read some stuff about how glutamate and GABA have a relationship and how antagonizing glutamate can help calm your system or something. I don't know if I said that right... I think I was reading it on the yahoo OCD group board. I am tired. Here is a different link with some info....

 

http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060115/msgs/599350.html

 

  I am hoping to try the inositol or the N Acetyl cysteine. I wonder if perhaps it would be okay for me to take both?

Hey Critter;

 

As you try new things...I would go one at a time.  I know you are desperate for relief but if you do have a reaction to something, you won't know which one it is if you take it all at once.  Just think of the delicate place you are in and try one...give it a few days and if you feel ok then try another.  I know the snail's pace is maddening (believe me I know!!!) but it really is the best. 

Most of the whey proteins have a "recipe" on the back.  You can make it a nice morning smoothie even.  I used to drink them in the past and am about to start again to see if it will help me during this process. I always used whatever the serving said on the package (like to scoops, etc...) a cup of milk and some frozen fruit...throw it all int he blender and away you go.

 

I hope you feel better!