The Xanax Club, Let Us Know How You Are Feeling Today

[[La...]]

Am in a bit of distress this morning. I'm getting sleep but woke up with bad anxiety and that feeling of insecurity. I'm not pacing the floors but do not feel at all comfortable, am indecisive, having trouble spelling now and that's never a problem. I just do not understand how, at this far out, that it's taking me back to what is was like in the earlier days. Just last week I was talking to someone about a management position and today this. There is no way I could go to work if I had too, let alone drive there. I'm still fighting inside my head to get back out to walk my dogs more than 1/4 of a block. Talk about helpless and hopeless feeling.

[[va...]]

something weird for me, since I jumped, I'm sleeping like every other day or something, but not every night.  Sometimes it's every two nights.  It's really wearing me down.  I think this started before I jumped (not remembering very well right now, sleep deprivation affects my brain function/memory).  Anyone else experience this phenomenon?

 

 

Jim, you are most definitely one of the strongest people I've met.  The way you consistently and constantly fight the barrage of symptoms hitting you is amazing.  And you do - fight them - very effectively.    You are truly a man of steely resolve.  You aren't helpless at all.  You have strength far above what you think, it just feels like you don't right now.    <3 <3 <3

 

Namaste.

 

~K    :smitten:

 

[[Tr...]]

Feeling pretty good today. Going on 32 hours with no Xanax. I not scheduled to jump for another 2 weeks but I'm taking it day by day. I've got a kind of mind over matter mentality going on right now.

[[La...]]

Thank you K, I appreciate it very much. I surely do not feel at all like I have strength when it's hitting such as it was. Today has been slightly better. I've had high strung anxiety all day, but without the worry or fear. No frustration really either, just flat out flying ! I'm feeling electrical current in my feet right now and I hope it remains there. My mind is in a better place than it was this morning and I'm glad. I am cycling so fast now, it's unbelievable. There isn't much of a chance for me to feel grounded with how it changes up like this and that makes me feel so insecure. Yes, I analyze this, dissect it and tear it apart. If I don't, it will defeat me. I cannot, nor will nor allow this to control my wellbeing. I've never, ever been controlled in my adult life and I refuse to begin allowing it now. There are limits that I've come to realize. But the old saying of keep your friends close and your enemies closer, rings so true in this. As much as we all want away from it, it is part of our being. So, we must then learn how to defeat this part of ourselves, without conquering who we are. This can induce such self defeating behavior, all through fear, confusion and frustration.

 

Are you taking any vita C, magnesium and zinc ? They will help with sleep.

 

Big hugs K......

 

I think I'm beginning to ramble and will stop. But this is my racing mind and it's workings.

 

Hi TSO, hope the rest goes smoothly for you and you get no rebuttle. You're on the right path, mind over matter.

[[Tr...]]

I JUMPED!/size] on day 3 now!!!

[[La...]]

Just cannot shake this eerie, distant feeling. It's almost like my head is under water and nearly feel like putting it under water I tell you....but I won't. I'm getting a varying degree of chills throughout my body. It isn't so bad that I'm covered, hovering under a blanket though. My mind wonders aimlessly without direction, if that makes any sense. I feel very insecure and emotional.

[[va...]]

I JUMPED!/size] on day 3 now!!!

 

So it's day 5 now, how are you faring, Tree? 

 

~K   

[[Tr...]]

Not a sx in sight. Been smooth sailing ever since I jumped.  :) :)

[[La...]]

Hi K, hope you're doing well this morning. I'm off, way off with anxiety right from the get go this morning. Was awake at 4:30 with panic, fear and out of touch. It's 9:00 now and it's leveled off to where it's tolerable anxiety now. I have tightness in my chest from it being so intense. Now that the near panic attack is behind me, I feel exhausted and almost as if I cannot hold my eyes open.

 

I joined the gym yesterday and was amazed I was able to go and work out with other people. It wasn't crowded and that helped a lot. Then this morning hits and it's just ridiculous how it makes me feel.

[[va...]]

Hey Jim.  I'm sorry you're still struggling so bad.  That's gotta suck.  I need to get my ass into the gym.  I also need to start walking my dog.  I'm fine once I get started, but getting started is hard.  Taking that first step, and then again, and again, and then I'm fine.  Feel free to call if you want.  I've been streaming those Twilight movies.  (I love the whole vampire/wolf genre.  )  I'll be here, watching movies.  I need to go pick up a few things from the grocery store, but I keep putting it off.  I'm feeling pretty lazy today.  It's all rainy outside, and chilly.  I hope you're feeling better.  <3

 

Namaste.

 

~K   

[[La...]]

Hello my friends and not such a great morning. Although I am grateful for it being better than it was a year ago. But this morning is a bit over the top for me. I got about 6 hrs of sleep and woke up wired to the gills. I mean I am cruising! So I want to burn it off by doing things. Well, I had some meat to vacuum seal and freeze. So I get to seasoning it and plug in the brand new, never used vacuum sealer I got off Ebay. Only to find it does not vacuum ! Oh my, talk about upset. Here I sit with a lot of meat sliced and ready to freeze. So, I dig out the old vacuum sealer and begin. Then, as I'm unwrapping the meat, I find the steaks are not sliced even close to being even. Seriously, on one end they're 1 1/2" thick and on the other end they're as thin as 1/4" thick. This just blew me away and tripped my trigger. A loin of steaks is not cheap, but when it's on sale for the price of hamburger, I take advantage of the sales. Yes, it was on sale for only $4.59 lb. when buying the whole loin. So, I call and speak to the store manager who asked me to bring it all back tomorrow.

 

Now, after writing this all out, I feel much better. I didn't get nasty or anything with the guy, but inside my head.....was a whole other story. I was a raving lunatic with thoughts and feelings. The discouragement was over the top. Now I ask you good people this. Do things that go awry really trip your triggers too ?

[[Gu...]]

Hey all , so this is the place for your daily check in ? Today wow, don't know if you've all experienced that heightened sense of alertness or not, but every noise makes me jump straight up, real hard to drive cause always paranoid with all noise and movement. At night especially I wake with numbness to the extremities which is a trip. Mean headache last night, lasted most the night, finally went away late am, down to .25 mg at night, stopping the .25 am dose triggered these symptoms. Gonna ride it out, no up dose, no rescue dose, grin and bear it. Gonna chop the . 25 pm to half the amount in 2 days. Guessing insomnia could be a factor. Anyone have a remedy for that. Dealing with things at night in mho is much worse than day time... Thanks for the forum to vent !! Peace

[[va...]]

GG, at this point, since you're beginning to have symptoms, I would suggest cutting .0625 instead of .125.  (1/4 of a pill instead of half.)  You really don't want to trigger a CT experience from tapering too much too fast.

 

Namaste.

 

~K   

 

 

 

Jim, hey you.  Sorry about the meat, but you handled that extremely well.    So right on!

 

~K    :smitten:

[[La...]]

Hello my BB's and wishing you a good morning. It isn't that here so much. Woke up about 5:30 with some anxiety right off the bat. Took some buspar and laid back down until 6:30 and when I got back up, it was considerably worse. Almost panic mode right now. I have this internal uptight, uncomfortable, insecure feeling about myself. I know I'm going to be alright, it's just this inside out, upside down feeling in the mornings that's just plain ridiculous.

 

Good morning GG and welcome. Please, listen to K. In the beginning it sounds so easy to get through and what's a little anxiety or loss of sleep. Believe me, if you value keeping a clear head as much as possible, do NOT push your taper. It may seem like it's dragging on, and it is. But it's better than what I'm going through. Take your time, you have lot's of it. For sleep, I take high doses of vita C twice a day. 2,000 mgs at night and 1,500 mgs in the morning. It helps with the cortisol surge you wake up with, also added magnesium and zinc help too. Oh, heightened sense of awareness X 100 !

 

Hi K, I see you're up early this morning. I'm almost picking up the phone, it's just too early right now at 7:10. I'm just flying and my mind isn't slowing down any as yet. It isn't easy getting up and going. I had month's of not being able to do much more than turn on the tv. Pushing oneself isn't easy with how this affects our mindset either. I'm getting spacey now and am going to just kick back and do my best to meditate for a while. Hope you're feeling better.

[[Gu...]]

Thanks Van, i did that last night, got the insomnia going, down to an 1/8th milligram, i tend to want to to just jump off, not sure what ill do, I'm guessing symptoms are at the worst, the arms and legs going numb is everyday, now headaches everyday, but not to bad, less jumpy today, if i thought that if i jump off and had to deal with a few days and its over of symptoms id for sure jump, but not sure if that's the case, maybe do week at the lower dose then bail out! Any advice or experience is appreciated, bought a new guitar today to ease my discomfort, that's a plus, figure id treat myself to something pleasant. So that's that, officially at 0.125mgz....... wont up dose no matter what the disomfort ! OH, anyone try the zzzz quill for insomnia? sleep would be nice ty !! And thanks lake for the advice, yes I get anxious to get this done with, made the larger cut, it's bad but tolerable hoping it will stabilize ! We will see!

[[va...]]

GG, talk to Lakeside.  He went CT and you don't want to go through what he's been through.  He can express to you more than I can, what happens with extended symptoms from going too fast.  Plus, he's a guy, so there's that.  Anyway.  If I were in your shoes, I'd probably go ahead and hold a bit longer.  I had surgery in Jan and I was scheduled to jump, but I didn't want to complicate things, so I held for about a month longer than it would have taken me had I not had surgery.  Anyway.  This is my advice. 

 

Congrats on the new guitar.  That should help you distract yourself when needed.    Do you have pictures?

 

hmmm.... what I do for sleep... I take 5htp, 100-200mg (I use source naturals brand)  Melatonin 1mg  (also SN)  Benedryl, if I'm having a really hard time.  I also drink Yogi Bedtime tea sometimes, which works really well, usually.  You should be aware though, it has herbs in it that work on gaba receptors, it never gave me a problem, but some people think you shouldn't use anything that affects gaba, so you have to decide for yourself if you want to risk it.  Try meditating about an hour before you lay down.  It might help calm you down.  That's all I can think of right now.  I'm exhausted.  I didn't sleep last night.  (my insomnia got a lot worse after I jumped, for some reason.)  anyway.

 

have a great evening, GG.

 

Namaste.

 

 

*****************

 

JIM!  So why didn't you call me?  You should have.  Are you feeling better?  How are the pups?

 

I'm exhausted, so I'm going to bed.  Call me tomorrow if you want.

 

Namaste. 

 

~K    :smitten:

[[La...]]

Hi K, hope you're doing alright and glad 5htp works for you, it didn't for me. But then I'm really sensitive to psychotic meds.

 

GG, I understand the want, will and desire to be off. But, if you push the taper now, you WILL pay in the long run. I will not harp on you, it' your life. But what seems trivial now, may not be 2 weeks after you jump. You could find yourself in the same hell many of us have and are going through. You may feel real confident now and that's only because you have yet to discover how difficult this truly is. Rushing a taper is not a wise decision. It will not shorten the length of time your GABA receptors need to hell. It will only increase the symptoms.

 

I'm up and out a little now and I'm seeing as my morning goes on, it's getting a bit more intense on the high flying scale. Nothing outrageous right now, but I feel it. Have some things to go and do and then a dentist appointment this afternoon. Yeeha, I'm having my two fillings taken out and replaced. What a load of fun...NOT.

[[va...]]

Lakeside, eeek!  I hate going to the dentist, and I actually need to go pretty bad. I had a filling fall out awhile ago, and I keep putting it off.  It doesn't hurt or anything, but I'll end up having to have a root canal or something if I don't just go get it taken care of, and I definitely don't want to go through that.  argh.  Anyway.  Later.

 

Namaste.

 

~K   

[[Gu...]]

Thanks for the thoughts, yes I rushed it, yes I'm stubborn, yes im restless, yes I'm in hell too, not sure if I should reinstate stabilize and then slow down! Or is that worse than the madness it caused? And van, yes I have pics of the new guitar, not sure if you can upload pics here or not. It will help, I triggered a nightmare !!

[[La...]]

Hello my benzobuddies. I'd say good morning but it really isn't. I woke up around 4:00 when Eqyu was feeling ill and throwing up. So that got me off and running right out of bed. I could quickly feel the anxiety within me and I probably would have waken up soon w/o  being disturbed. He's doing alright and I'm glad, but I'm way out there right now. I'm so close to being in a panic and for no reason at all. On top of that, my back needs adjusting and it's killing me. It hurts to walk any distance and I'm in no condition to drive to the chiropractor.

 

Well GG,  I haven't any advice, as I've not been in your exact position. I did a c/t pretty much and it's where I've been, in hell for 32 month's. I did a reinstatement to do a 30 day taper before I knew I should have taken 6-12 month's from a mere .5 mg of Xanax. When I reinstated I had to up dose to .75 mg. I had to take .25 mg three times a day to be leveled out. Where before I was only taking .5 mg at bed time. I then did a 30 day taper, not knowing what I was doing. If only I had known about this place first. I'm sure someone will have some advice for you.

 

I survived the Dentist alright. It's just no fun going into any place that's medical. Hope you're having a good day today and your back isn't hurting K.

 

Jim 

[[La...]]

And as my day continues, it is not letting up. The hopelessness is becoming overwhelming and I'm nearly in tears. I have the body chills back and am bundled up here on the sofa. I feel like a pathetic waste of oxygen consumption. The feeling of worthlessness is just overwhelming. I feel like I'm crawling in a sewer and there just is no way out of it. This is where I'd like to just give in, give up, move on. This feeling is so far from who I am and yet it's all about who I am right now. As much as it isn't me, it's all me and I feel like I'm running out of strength, cognition and any sense of things. I'm so tired of feeling like there will never be an end to this and the waves continue to pound and my sea wall cannot bare it much longer. It's cracking, I'm cracking feeling scared now. Not that I'll do something stupid, but scared of this feeling that will not leave me alone. The insecurity is ridiculous today.

[[La...]]

Ever feel like anything you do or go to do is just not right ? Every thought, everything in my mind is like that now. Nothing seems right and I'm very distant. I'm not suicidal, but I'm really at a low point in some misery right now. It's like I feel as though it will never let up and I'm doomed to feeling lie this forever. I'm so empty, except for the pain in my mind. I'm overflowing with insecurity and fear. I'm just not able to stop it today either.

 

A friend I texted earlier just called me and we talked for a few and it calmed me down some. I get so frustrated when I'm like I was that I only have two people who are my go to's. By that, I mean I get so far out there that I can talk to nobody but them. I'm far from Ok or good, but I'm no longer falling apart. To give a time line on how long I've been here typing, then talking and typing again has been probably 30-40 minutes.

[[La...]]

And now I've calmed down enough to where I went to the store. Am far from alright, but am just as far from where I was earlier. Am even yawning now. This cycling is ridiculous and I just am not able to keep up with it. Hopefully will get some sleep tonight.

[[La...]]

Then another about turn. Got up this morning about 5:30 and was high strung, but no cog fog. Just pure adrenaline that I can usually work with, within reason. Got around and went to lift weights and did rather well burning off that adrenaline. Did my full workout and even felt like doing more afterwards, it was that good. Got back home and kept myself going on this n that. Then the afternoon came with a less than a desirable mood and it was like my body weighed a ton. This cycling is unreal. There is no common ground or getting my feet planted or, or, or, or... It is what it is, and I so dislike that line. It isn't like in the beginning or month's into it. Back then there was adjusting to it and being able to know what it was going to be like. This is so unpredictable from morning to afternoon to evening. I shouldn't complain because unlike in the beginning, I can drive and I can go and I can, and I can....so enough whining from me. I'm getting there and am grateful for it.

 

Hope you all are doing better. 

[[La...]]

Then this morning and I'm full of anxiety. Woke up about 5:30 and was sweating. Been going from hot to cold and back since I got up. I'm very uncomfortable within myself. I'm not in a panic, but feel all the yuck. My mind is racing and yet I'm so tired this morning. My back needs adjusting and it just doesn't want to go into place right now. I feel almost miserable, I'm that tired.

 

Hope you guys are doing better.