Xanex 30 Years can I ??? TERRIFIED !!!

[[pu...]]

Hi, I am a newbie, I started on .25 xanex about 30 years ago ? Can't remember exact year DUE TO XANEX, I am sure !!!

Over the years it was incresed many times, don't know the dates ?  I am on 2.5 Every night and sometimes on Bad days, I take 1/2 to 1 during the day , then my 2 and 1/2 mgs. every night.

The past year or so I have had suicidal thoughts, fits of RAGE, severe depression, muscle pain (fibromyalgia, as per Dr. for 25 years ?) Arrthiritis in every joint, OCD has been worse !

I have pinched nerves all over my body etc...  I have researched Xanex for 1000 hours, and have EVERY thing it list as Causing , everything I listed is CAUSED by Xanex !!!

 

I recently called in a refill to my Dr. that has rxed for 12 of the 30 years and she refused to refill (long story) nightmare for 4 days till I could get an appt. with her ! It caused me to PANIC when she said no refill ! I was LUCKY and had enough till the appt.

The Dr. gave me enough for 2 months, has decided after all this time a "Physc.) should prescribe ! ?

I know what they will want me to do, Standard - be admitted , get Val. by I.V. x amount of days, then taper xanex over a few months !!!

 

I do not and, cannot go in the hospital, my son is fighting for custody of his 2 year old and my husband and I are both disabled and it takes "both" of us to care for her.

I can't go before the Judge (should be in the next 90 days) and stand there and say "we take care of her" ! if I am in any way , shape or form in "withdrawl !!!

It is hard enough now, without that !!!

 

Since I usually take my xanex only at night, I am wondering if I am in "withdrawl" or tolerance) already during the day ?  I have been (untill last week) taking 1/2 to 1mg during the day if I have a Bad day, but not a LOT, maybe 1 or 2 times a week the past year.

I am all over the place, I don't know where to turn, what to think or what to do

I am in a very STRESSFUL period of my life right now, my son may or may not get Custody (probably will ?) but not 100% sure ? This child has become OUR LIFE, I would DIE if they took her, I mean REALLY DIE and be Buried !!! I worry obcessivley about her  when she is out of my sight and about what the Judge will do !!!

That is part of the OCD and, I cannot get a GRIP on anything !!!

I have been married to an Angel for 38 years and I am complaining so much all the time , I am KILLING him with stress!!!  We never used to argue or "snap" at each other,untill the babies Mom walked out and my son is Not as Respnsible as he should be

IMO and it DRIVES me Crazy, so I drive my husband Crazy !!!

my husband has heart problems and other serious health issues and is not supposed to get Stressed ! I'm killing him because I can't STOP B******* !!!

Wow ! Anyone

I don't think now is the "right" time to get off this poison, but I think it is Causing some of my Problems !!!

How the H*** could I take care of a 2 year old while in "withdrawl" of ANY kind

I cannot go in the hospital, I cannot stand to go 1 day without seeing her, it's more  like we are raising her, and my son is the "babysitter" !!!

I know what this drug has and is doing to me, however, I have 3 spots the Dr.s want to biopsy and my Panic will not let me , let them  do it !!!

I have been TERRIFIED I was going to Die soo for 30 years, that is when I was put in a hospital and given xanex.

Also on and off all kinds of anti-depress. untill about a year ago ?  They would work for years, stop, try another, too many side effects or Not work etc...  the last time I tried ANy was about 8 months ago 3 diff. ones, did'nt work so I have not taken any anti-depress. for 5 or 6 months, can't remember  !  (XANEX has killed my memory !)

I can't concentrate, read learn anything new etc...  i stay Frusterated !!!!

I can't remember what I learned in grade school, like how to spell  !!!

 

Can ANTONE throw something POSITIVE my way

I have this fear of starting to withdrawl )if I decide to) ad then get told "you are going to DIE soon, you have cancer or ? etc...  I figure if I'm gonna die soon anyway, why bother with the H*** of withdrawl ?

Boy! Am I screwed up or what I feel hopeless and doomed !!!

 

I am so sorry to be so Negative, I am being Honest and Begging for "something "

 

Sorry I wrote a "book" had to give the "whole" picture.

 

                Thank You All for being Here, purehell12 (my name since Dr. said "no refill"

[[...]]

I'm sorry you're suffering and have been waiting a while for someone to respond to your post.

 

It sounds like you're under a lot of stress and have a lot on your plate right now.

 

Can you discuss a slow taper with your doctor?  If you show her a taper plan, would she consider prescribing xanex or valium is you choose to do a cross over for the duration of the taper?

 

Alternatively, could you see another doctor who might be more willing to support you in a slow sensible taper?

[[...]]

Wow, honey first of all take a deep breath..  When is your pdoc appointment?  It sounds like you want to taper off the xanax because you are having many of the symptoms you have researched for 1000 hours?  I am glad you are able to vent your concerns.  Now for the immediate future, since your doctor who was going to cut you off, has given you a 2 month rx you do have some options.

 

I would copy Ashton's regimen for tapering xanax and take it to your appointment. Just as a point of reference.  The doctor (hopefully) can help you taper off this med in a safe and humane manner.  Thousands have done this before you and many of them are right here.  You may already know this information with respect to your research.  This site can certainly offer moral support for you along the way.  You can get your life back and be the wife and grandma that you want to be.  This withdrawal does not have to be a living hell.  Just get your appointments in order, and take it one day at a time.  Don't give up, OK?  You are one tough cookie who is going through a bad time right now.

 

Skyy

 

[[On...]]

I think your right, that "now" is not the right time. I think it would best fit you to try to get onto a dose to stabilize and work toward a time after your son's child is hopefully in his custody, but you need to prepare yourself in the event it doesn't go that way by chance. I think you bring up a valid issue regarding appearing in court, so all the more reason to stabilize right now.

After some major issues settle down, I would think it would then be best to look at the options for a long taper from Xanax with the possible crossover to Valium at the right point. There is a lot of people on here that can give excellent advice on the taper plan that could be more beneficial than just following the Ashton Manual taper plan.

 

By your comments it sounds like your already having withdrawal symptoms with your mixed dosing. I really think getting stabilized will help you tremendously, even if it means finding another doctor that is knowledgeable or at least can sympathize. Perhaps going in to the doctor for visit armed with a future taper plan might help?

 

I hope things get better for you soon!

 

OTM

[[...]]

Hi Purehell,

 

During one of my withdrawls I felt like I was going to die and sometimes just wished it would happen.  I have cold turkeyed numerous times, two of the three times by physicians force, had seizures and the was diagnosed as epileptic.  Please try to stay calm.  You may not be able to rationalize this now or for awhile even but your grandaughter needs you to get through this even if you may not get what you want now.  The first time I cold turkeyed off clonipin I was in a custody battle.  My ex is an attorney and he won because of my diagnosis.  It was hell.  Now my son is a senior and we are months away from him not having to live with his father.  I didn't believe I would make it that time and I did.  I didn't even know I was going through withdrawls.  You can maintain enough for court.  I often think others can feel our misery.  They can't.  Hang in there.

 

mbvv

[[Be...]]

Purehell,

 

From what I have read, age is not a factor in benzo withdrawal, so you can do it as well as anyone when the time is right. You are on a very short half-life drug and, unfortunately, it does not surprise me that you are having a hard time. Please try to do what you can to get stable. Some folks need to dose 4 times a day on Xanax, but please talk to your doctor about that. Drug elimination can be slower in older folks, so it is very important to discuss this with someone who knows something not only about Xanax and withdrawl, but also someone who knows something about benzos in more senior folks. It is generally not recommended to begin a taper when you are going through as much stress as you are and will be going through. Please just try to talk to your doctor to develop a plan to get stable and when you are and you are ready, then perhaps you taper.

 

Hope all goes well for you.

[[pu...]]

MMgc,Benzo3, mbvv, Skyy, mmgc and on the mend, I do not know how to work this site !UGH !!!

I wish every comment had a reply at the end, but it does'nt !

I can only Thank each and Everyone of you at the same time ?

That being said, Thank You for your replies, I feel like you guys "get it".

I think I need to wait also, however I don't know what the Physc. she is making me go to will say ? I do not have money or insurance to Dr. Shop for someone who will get me through this, which makes me Panic even more !

I don't have any idea about what will happen at that appt. and it keeps me Stressed !

 

I wish I could live by this " If you always think the worse case scenario, and it happens, you will have lived it twice "  Wish I could remember that every second of the day !!!!!

 

    Thank You to ALL, Please keep my family in your Prayers, Higher Power, Whatever, I'll take anything I can get,    purehell12

[[Ca...]]

I agree with on the mend.  This is not the right time to taper.  It is my opinion that u are already in withdrawal.  It's called interdose withdrawal.  I was on xanax for 2 1/2 yrs and started to withdraw between doses at about 6 months.  this medication should not be taken past 1 month.  Because after 1 month it loses it's therapeutic effect.  It becomes an addiction.  Accidental addict if u will.  The medical world does not know this (or the majority dont)  The reason why I think u r in interdose is because your post sounded like me when I was in interdose.  Depression, ocd, fibro,anger, bad memory, spelling probs ect.  ALL of these things I developed on xanax too.  NONE of these things are me and I bet none of them r u either.  If I were u (I'm no doc) I'd try to get a doc to up dose u so u can again feel normal.  Start ur taper at a less stressful time.  AND dont worry WE ALL HEAL.  It will take some time.  When u do taper, refer to the taper section of this site...docs tend to ween patients off too fast, then the patients are sicker for longer.  I wud say you need an 6-8 month taper.  someone please chime in if this is not accurate. bless x  Candy

[[pu...]]

Hi Candy, Thank You, I needed to hear that it was withdral ! I figured that out about 4 months ago when I started researching this Crap !!!

I just wanted to know for sure  even though a Therapist hinted at this in Dec.

He is also part of my dr.s Practice so of course he did'nt overstep with his "words" if ya know what I mean ?

I am so afraid I will never get my life back ! It has been 30 years and I have MANY MANY  health issues that make my Panic even worse ! How the H*** am I ever gonna get Healthy when I am afraid to go to the Dr. and find out what is wrong ?

I am afraid as I get sicker, I will need more of this CRAP just to stay SANE !!!

I think I was 26 27 when I started and Healthy, now i am OLD and that is when you really start getting Health problems !!!

I was scared then that I was going to die ! I am convinced now and have a Reason to be, with all that is going on, 3 places that need a biopsey, low, low blood pressure etc... copd, thyroid problems, diabetes etc....

I am living "the worse case scenario everyday for 30 years !!! Sometimes it makes me womder , is it worth going on ? NO, suicide is not in the picture, thats the problem, AFRAID to Die !!!

I NEED to be here for a long time to be here for my "babygirl" when she needs me !!! It makes me even more afraid to think I am going to die and NOT be HERE for her !

 

I feel like I am fighting a losing Battle !!!

 

            Thank You so much, I need anything ferom anyone right now, purehell12

[[sp...]]

purehell12,

 

All i'd like to say is I feel for you and I have OCD also.  It's TORTURE, isn't it??  Absolute pure unadulterated torture.  Just try to calm down..

 

one thing that helped for my muscle pain is The Miracle Ball Method by Elaine Petrone. you can get it off amazon.  I just lie on the balls and the tension in my body relaxes, and is therefore good for my anxiety. pain makes things 10x worse! And it's not hard to do, so it's very do-able. 

[[pu...]]

Hi Spring50, Thank You so much for your reply, I had never heard of the Miracle Ball. I looked it up and would Love to have it, however I don't even have grocery money right now ! Talk about Stress ! Yes OCD is PITS !!!

Is your OCD about your health (mine is the worst about my health) but also "thinking negative about every thing etc....  !!! UGH !!!

 

I hate it !!!  Throw in panic Disorder and Severe Depression and it will make you wonder "why am I here ?"

I try very hard to be Grateful for what I have but....  I know other people have more problems than I do, I wonder how they cope and stay Sane ? I envy them, that they are better off than me and have worse problems, Why can't I have a better attitude or outlook

I feel cursed from the time I was a child, always the "black shhep" in a family of 5 brothers and 5 sisters, I never "fit" in and never will I guess.

 

                        Thank You, purehell12

[[...]]

Do you ever wonder if the panic disorder, OCD, anxiety and depression are being caused by the benzos?

 

Did you have all of this before you started taking them 30 years ago?  I have heard so many members say this stuff started for them, after the benzos were prescribed.  I never had phobias, anxiety to this level and agoraphobia BEFORE I was prescribed the meds (due to surgical complications)

Just a thought.

Skyy

[[La...]]

Hi purehell, I am here to throw something positive your way, HOPE, for you.

I too am a senior and took benzos for nearly 20yrs, also , like you, I cant even remember when exactly I started taking them for insomnia.

I, like you, have severe osteoarthritis in most joints, muscle aches, a pinched ulnar nerve, deteriorating discs in neck and lower back, went through a hellish menopause, have had 5 skin cancers removed,my memory WAS shot, I could not spell or think clearly, unable to do simple math and most times I have had less energy than my 92 yr old father,  I would be exhausted by 8 pm and he is out playing cards.

The hope I am giving you is, to me,and others here , it sounds like allot of your symptoms, not all, but most, are probably benzo related, you have figured that out too,  and you will feel amazingly well once you are able to start to taper off them but you do need to be in a stable point in your life before you start.

I am tapering and my improvements so far, and I am still on one benzo, are remarkable to me , especially my memory and my ability to grasp simple concepts and learn new things, I truly believed I was in the early stages of dementia but not any more, I have my MIND back and hopefully some of my body will follow, like hair and nails!

A big plus for you is a supportive spouse, I know it is wearing thin on him but if you could get him to read some of the ashton manual it might help, I myself do not have a supportive spouse and am in this alone but reaching out here to this wonderful support group is so helpful.

Those are my words of hope to you, you will be able to do this and live to see you granddaughter grow into a beautiful young woman with your love and support behind her, I have 4 grandchildren and know that i will be there for them and watch them grow into adulthood with a doting grandmother they deserve, with the energy to keep up with them.

You can do this 

[[sp...]]

Hi Spring50, Thank You so much for your reply, I had never heard of the Miracle Ball. I looked it up and would Love to have it, however I don't even have grocery money right now ! Talk about Stress ! Yes OCD is PITS !!!

Is your OCD about your health (mine is the worst about my health) but also "thinking negative about every thing etc....  !!! UGH !!!

 

I hate it !!!  Throw in panic Disorder and Severe Depression and it will make you wonder "why am I here ?"

I try very hard to be Grateful for what I have but....  I know other people have more problems than I do, I wonder how they cope and stay Sane ? I envy them, that they are better off than me and have worse problems, Why can't I have a better attitude or outlook

I feel cursed from the time I was a child, always the "black shhep" in a family of 5 brothers and 5 sisters, I never "fit" in and never will I guess.

 

                        Thank You, purehell12

 

there is a yahoo OCD support group that sometimes helps me.  Do you do anything for your OCD? One thing i'm learning is to just let the thoughts go.  You don't HAVE to follow every thought through, obsess over trying to figure things out, and all that.  Just know that when you are worried about something....the fact that you try to do things to RELIEVE that anxiety, like a compulsion, is OCD.  Just say "this is my OCD", and let it go.  Be aware of when you are engaging in obsessions and compulsions.  Like i said, that group is pretty helpful for me. Especially when you don't want to read a book or go to therapy...

 

And I'm just trying to develop a more positive attitude towards life.  It really is about the small stuff.....just washing dishes and enjoying the outside, and being mindful while doing it, or doing laundry and enjoying it, is what it's about.  Every life is so different. Some are harder than others.  I dont' know what's going to happen 2 years from now, I could very well be dead!  But I'm going to try to improve my life in the meantime and make better choices.

 

With the custody issues I understand that is quite a bit of stress.....but we all have stress and it's largely how we handle the situation that determines our level of happiness.  Also remember to take GOOD CARE of yourself!!!  Be aware of your anxiety and don't put yourself in situations that exacerbate it , as much as you can.  We women (I'm assuming you are) tend to say "yes" even when we want to say "no".  Don't do it...if you're not centered and healthy you really are not giving your full self to others anyway...so YOU FIRST!!!

 

I know it's so hard. Even impossible at times. But, that's the way it is. For now.    Best of luck! 

[[sw...]]

I am so glad that you have made it to this forum, you will find many people here who are happy to support you and answer any questions you might ask (you may receive a wide range of answers).

 

The good news is that you will heal in the end and that you can go as absolutely slowly as you need, and you can always pause the tapering process as needed.  While the length of time you were on xanax is a little on the high end (though there are definitely people around who have been on for 20+ years) your dosage is totally normal.

 

Please let us know how we may support you.

 

Best wishes.

 

[[He...]]

Hi purehell,

 

I don't have much to add other than to repeat that it may be best to stabilize before you start to withdraw, also given the court appearance and custody stuff, I am in agreement that maybe you should postpone tapering for the time being until a more suitable time arrives. All the psych stuff you have can be attributed to benzo use from my understanding, and given the short half life and how you have been taking it, I would bet you have tolerance withdrawal already, which will give you many unpleasant symptoms (just like tapering and w/d can).

 

Other than that, I would like to say welcome to benzobuddies, I am fairly new here myself, it's a great forum where you will find a lot of support and understanding from only those who can really understand, others going through or having gone through the same.

 

 

[[bl...]]

My honest opinion is that this does not sound like a good time to w/d. You need your life to be stable first so that you can get through it. You can do it. I know you can! But if you've been on for thirty years, well... no rush! 

 

I've been on for sixteen!

 

Wait until the custody battle is over or until you are sure that this is what you want to do. Period. Know yourself, okay?