Baffled by all of this, fear being protracted...

[[os...]]

After 20 years i am wondering if i am going to get protracted even after a long taper that is likely to last a year or more longer...

 

Just discouraged, if i hit a wall anytime soon that might be my lot.

 

I just don´t understand why these drugs are even legal.

 

Why is nothing being done for us?

 

Why does nothing here add up?

 

Sorry, needed to vent.

 

Oscar

 

[[...]]

It is beyond your control, worry about what you can do. Did you go right on benzos when you quit drinking, I did not for the alcohol withdrawal, but wonder if this is why I am having all this horrific crap happening as I read the benzos and alcohol are close relatives. You will make it and who knows, you might wake up one day soon and feel fine.

[[os...]]

It is beyond your control, worry about what you can do. Did you go right on benzos when you quit drinking, I did not for the alcohol withdrawal, but wonder if this is why I am having all this horrific crap happening as I read the benzos and alcohol are close relatives. You will make it and who knows, you might wake up one day soon and feel fine.

 

Hi Flea,

 

I was put on Librium when i was 19, i am 41 now, my GP said it was "very mild"... i have been on it since. I quit drinking 15 months ago and i felt great... then decided to get off this and there is no comparison.

 

I feel well now but if i go faster in my taper i am scared i will hit a wall again, do more damage to my CNS and end up with years of misery... i have not had an easy taper of late and i am just edging along and yet despite all my efforts i have no idea what to expect at zero and for a long time after.

 

After 20 years being on this junk i just feel my chances are really bad for a long time to come, there are many on here suffering after being on for just a few months... what possible chance do i stand is what i ask myself?

 

Oscar

[Guest [...]]

Oscar baby what r u doing?

 

You are catastrophising remember you and I talked about this.  You are predicting something that hasnt even happened yet.  Sorry friend but I know you want me to be honest.  20 years of coping on this stuff lovely and now you are doing without it.  Its going to be tough but look at how well you are doing seriously.  Take your hand and pat yourself on the back my dear friend.  You must of been on this stuff for a reason and those issues will be there after you stop this and you will then have to learn how to deal with them.

 

just know Im here for you the whole way.  Hope the above doesnt appear harsh must watch what I say lately.

 

Love Lizzyxxx

[[os...]]

Sorry, this is a vent... i find this so frustrating at times and really wonder... that is all.

 

I just have to carry on and have faith that it will work out but after 9 months of tapering already and a lot longer to go (if i want to stay well) then end up bad once off i don´t know what i´ll do... probably stick it out but i am often so discouraged, it´s not as if i have not done everything i can to stay well and yet i still got slammed a month ago... i am so scared of it all kicking off again.

 

I´ll be OK tomorrow... i am often just appalled at the predicament and uncertainty of this whole thing.

 

Sorry to be a downer, it is more anger that this is allowed to happen... yet Doctor´s largely dismiss us... i just don´t get it.

 

Are some of us supposed to be on this for life after all??? Was this a mess up from years ago and we are victims of bad practice???

 

 

Oscar

[[...]]

Dude, just worry about how you feel right now, you might get hit by a bus before this other stuff happens.

[[os...]]

Oscar baby what r u doing?

 

You are catastrophising remember you and I talked about this.  You are predicting something that hasnt even happened yet.  Sorry friend but I know you want me to be honest.  20 years of coping on this stuff lovely and now you are doing without it.  Its going to be tough but look at how well you are doing seriously.  Take your hand and pat yourself on the back my dear friend.  You must of been on this stuff for a reason and those issues will be there after you stop this and you will then have to learn how to deal with them.

 

just know Im here for you the whole way.  Hope the above doesnt appear harsh must watch what I say lately.

 

Love Lizzyxxx

 

Sorry Lizzy, i just think of people having major problems after such short term use... then i think "Jesus, i have been on this for two freaking decades" and it scares the hell out of me as to how long this could take...

 

So much for a "mild" pill... i want to sue my Doctor, i really do.

 

You are amazing Lizzy reaching out in your situation... you are really special, i hope you know that.

 

Hugs,

 

Oscar (needing to rant but i should not have posted this, maybe it is a rage thing... i need to calm down and go breathe or something)

 

 

[Guest [...]]

I know you are frustrated thats why im trying to sooth your fears.  Im angry to Oscar and like flea said we could be run over by a bus however we would have to be outside living wouldnt we lol.  You are going to be fine and its ok to vent my friend thats what its for.  thank goodness we have this forum to vent.

 

Lizzyxx

[[os...]]

Dude, just worry about how you feel right now, you might get hit by a bus before this other stuff happens.

 

My biggest fear is going through all of this to end up having zero life when off and reinstating only to have wasted what will be years to just get off this damn drug...

 

OK, i need to go and try and calm down... i am just spitting blood right now (anger that means).

 

Oscar

[[Fl...]]

Oscar, it's hard not to worry. But it's fruitless. That's the boy down side of the support forum - reading stories of people suffering after a long time out.

 

I know Katie - 13SKW something is 19 weeks off today after being on tamazepam for 25 years. She is doing very well.  PJ cold turkeyed. He's healed. Laura tapered slow, she is doing well at about 2 months off.  And I'm sure there are many more. Most move on.

 

What I've observed is the teeny little word attitude makes an enormous difference in recovery. Laura says she is prepared for hard symptoms but she doesn't expect them. Katie got out virtually every day regardless of how she felt. I dont know all of PJs story but he's doing extremely well. 

 

You know all this. You just freaked yourself out by thinking about it.  Tomorrow will better. Watch those thoughts, though - thoughts are things. We tend to get some of the things we think about. I think. LOL.

 

Take care of you,

Flip

[[os...]]

I know you are frustrated thats why im trying to sooth your fears.  Im angry to Oscar and like flea said we could be run over by a bus however we would have to be outside living wouldnt we lol.  You are going to be fine and its ok to vent my friend thats what its for.  thank goodness we have this forum to vent.

 

Lizzyxx

 

I have not been out in months, don´t watch the news, gave up sugar, cake, everything... i need to read some success stories.

 

Seriously.

 

Love you Lizzy and thanks... i am chucking my toys out the pram big time.

 

Ugh.

 

Oscar

[Guest [...]]

aaawww thanks Oscar

 

just when I feel I have nothing to offer you offer me hope that I still am the person I always was.  Thankyou for being there always.

 

Hey did you see the story I wrote about a friend of mine been on for 20 years heavy doses of x and v and guess what she came off in four weeks and is feeling amazing no effects whatsoever.  Just think of that ok.

 

Honestly I have spoken to her in depth and she has no effects.

 

 

Love Lizzyxx

[[Ti...]]

I am angry too. I had a perfectly good life before this poison. God made me perfect and now I am so sick. I don't think it matters long or short term. Poplins was long term on Ativan and is almost off and doing loads better than me. You will be fine. Count your blessings for being stabilized. I would do anything to feel stabilized right now and have some quality of life.

[[os...]]

Flip, Tina, Lizzy and Flea... you are all right... i am stabilized, i am just so annoyed right now... i get angry for others too... i know Flip that others are doing well... Laura sent me a great PM, i think i´ll go get a big glass of milk before bed and read it... and calm my angry thoughts...

 

Tina, i hope i have not upset you nor you Flip and Lizzy, i should have ranted to myself and not on here... it was selfish of me... i have just felt very vulnerable lately... i think my duration of use is a huge factor and that concerns me and sometimes it can get to me.

 

I´m sorry.

 

Hugs to all.

 

Oscar

[Guest [...]]

Oscar

 

You are so not selfish we all do it omg look at the stuff i write sometimes it just comes out. You are vulnerable do you have any family at all Oscar any real support.  You havent upset me at all not need to apologise at all.

 

 

Love Lizzyxx

[[Fl...]]

This is a support forum, Oscar. That's why we are all here. We support when we can and vent when we need to. I think you are quite supportive. Vent away!!

Flip

[[Ti...]]

Not selfish at all Oscar. I fear protracted too and cried today over the senselessness of this misery when life is so beautiful out there. I read your post afterwards. By the way I am so glad the fatigue is not bothering you right now. I keep waking up and hoping that my energy will be back. That is my biggest fear of protracted-the fatigue and weak muscle issue. I have had it a month now so it is very concerning to me. I see people running and leaving the gym. That was me just a couple months ago! I miss hiking and nature walks. Anyways now I am ranting. Sorry!!

 

[[os...]]

My oldest brother died of a methadone overdose aged 27, this was when i was put on Librium, i was 19.

 

2 years later my 20 year old sister commited suicide.

 

My mum died 2 years ago of COPD.

 

I have one brother left back in the UK who is battling heroin and alcohol, i have a wonderful aunt looking after him, i am fortunate i have a very supportive friend with me and the friends i have here... i had no idea this was going to be this hard but maybe i need to face my fears and try and get my taper moving more, the problem is i feel damned if i do and damned if i don´t...

 

I am sure all will come right eventually, why did i think this was OK to take for all these years? I was fine on it in many ways... but i vowed when mum died i would get well.

 

I have not even been to AA for a year because it would be too stimulating for me... so i have stayed off the drink all on my own also... i am grateful i am 15 months dry and have no real problems with that right now... this is enough... someone said God does not give us more than we can handle... sometimes i have to believe that.

 

I will get well... i am determined to live free of these damn pills... i just get scared sometimes... i have never had anxiety like i had a month ago...

 

Oscar

[[os...]]

Tina, we will get through this... it is just maddening at times isn´t it??? I too miss getting out and about... but my energy is better than it was a few months ago... maybe this is why i am needing to sound off... i need to get out and walk and get some fresh air... it gets better... it is slow but it does get better.

 

Oscar

[Guest [...]]

Oh me oh my Oscar that is soooo sad no wonder you took the drugs mate I dont blame you. Im sorry for these loses.  It breaks my heart.  Im glad you have some friends Oscar and you have me to im your friend.  anyway get cracking on the taper you will be fine trust me.

 

So proud of you for getting of the alcohol that is awesome.  Yes i hope god doesnt give us any more to cope with.  We cant do it much tougher hey.

 

Im scared to friend

 

Love Lizzyxxx

[[br...]]

Hey Oscar,

 

Just wanted to write & say I can relate to how you feel.  I'm down to 3.5 v as of today and go through bouts of intense fear about what's going to happen to me once I'm done with my taper.  I worry about not being able to work, my student loans, my relationship of 3 years which is suffering tremendously, the music I'm not making, the virtual solitude within which I live, possibly having to leave new york and move back to my mother's house, etc. etc.  the list goes on and on. 

 

We can only do what we can do.  Sometimes, when I find myself succumbing to worrying, I take a deep breath and say "Relax.  Right now your only job is to do x,"  x being whatever it is I am doing at that exact moment.  Like you, I guess I'd like a guarantee that tapering these last few milligrams slowly will allow me to stay functional and keep living life on my terms.  Unfortunately, no one can give me that so I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and trying to stay positive.

 

Do you think it would help you to look at where you were last year at this time compared to today?  I was a bit of a mess last year at this time, still drinking and taking pills.. as worried as I am about the future, I have to be grateful for where I am right now.

 

I know we're going to heal completely once we're done, and I think the healing will happen on it's own terms and it will take as long as it takes.  You have the right attitude, and I really doubt that after cutting so slowly and so carefully for so long that you're going to end up bedridden and non-functional. You're gonna be ok.  Sending lots of good thoughts your way! 

[[os...]]

Oh me oh my Oscar that is soooo sad no wonder you took the drugs mate I dont blame you. Im sorry for these loses.  It breaks my heart.  Im glad you have some friends Oscar and you have me to im your friend.  anyway get cracking on the taper you will be fine trust me.

 

So proud of you for getting of the alcohol that is awesome.  Yes i hope god doesnt give us any more to cope with.  We cant do it much tougher hey.

 

Im scared to friend

 

Love Lizzyxxx

 

Well lets stick together eh? Always here for you too... i know you will be OK... you have a fighter in you Lizzy, you will be OK.

 

Hugs,

 

Oscar

[[Co...]]

Hi guys, I'm protracted...its not a whole lot of fun but honestly I'm grateful to be alive and am thankful Ive gotten this far...I have protracted friends and we support each other...we learn to cope, to adjust...I mostly stay in the day...its easy now for me but for the first year or so did a lot of self talk. I have a lot of unfavorable variables...ct, polydrugged, high dose, long usage, and kindled but the good news is I'm healing and so will you. Try not to let your fears escalate...when you feel the fear immed start replacing that with positive thoughts like I am healing...I am strong...stuff like that. It takes a little work but for me this has paid off. I wish for all of you speedy healing. Love, Colleen         

Oh and I avoid using terms like benzos are poison...I think when people do that they are planting a very negative thought in their psyche. I try to just think I had an unfavorable reaction. I'm really not pro or antimed that being said using this class of meds certainly has risks and consequences. This has just been a really hard lesson for sure. I try not to think of myself as a victim either...I think of myself as a survivor and that is very empowering to me. I did not always feel like that I was angry and like you had a right to be. I'm just sharing what has helped me...I'm not saying you too should feel this way. Just sharing. xo

[Guest [...]]

hey Colleen

 

Nice post I think we often get into saying that they are poison and therefore it locks into our heads that they are.  I like how you said about the positive thoughts replacing the negatives this can often be so difficult.  I AM STRONG yes we are strong.  I also like to think that I had an unfavorable reaction.  Makes things easier that way.

 

We will get better and you are heaps better thats a fact.

 

Lizzyxx

[[gi...]]

Hi,

One of my biggest fears when I bagan tapering was that I would be protracted.  I was absolutely terrified of it as my taper was pretty rough for much of it.  I decided to do the Ashton slow taper and crossed over to 80 mg. of valium from 4 mg . of klonopin.  Initially I had to taper fast because her charts did not go up to 80 mg.  It took me 14 mos. to taper .  I honestly believed that if I slow tapered that I would be well within 6 weeks.  I remember telling others that. Hmm..  well that did not happen.  I had many symptoms at various times during the taper and also post recovery.  Many of them are gone now and have not returned.  Many times I felt like I would take 2 steps forward and then 4 steps back and it was mind boggling and I could not understand what was happening and tried to figure it out .  What I learned is that withdrawl is very individualized and sometimes has a mind of it's own.  I was pretty much at 50 to 75% the first year off and was functional.  I was very discouraged and depressed when I hit the 18 month off protracted zone like so many other of my friends.  But there is something that you need to understand and that is that many of us that are protracted are much much better then we were before.  Many of us have some residual very stubborn symptoms that are longstanding and that have left us very weary of this adventure but we all know that we are healing and are for the most part functional.  Unfortunately, these drugs can do some damage to us, but that damage is reversed but it can take a long time.  But, it is best to remember that each individual case is different.  I have friends who have tapered, CT, been to rehab, been on large doses for long times, also some who were low dose for short periods of time and they are also protracted.  I have also met some that healed eary on.  The point is that we all do heal in time when the damage is reversed that has been done by the drugs and that no two cases are absolutely alike and nothing is carved in stone when it comes to this withdrawl.  Try not to cause yourself unnecassary angst about this.  It's best to just try and go one day at a time and hope for the best. 

Ginia