Just need some encouragement. :(

[[Ca...]]

I had improved so much that I somehow believed that I couldn't sink backwards again.

I was handling the depression in the morning using the thought that "it usually lifts later in the day"

But starting Tuesday I've been going downhill.

The depression has now intensified and worse than that anxiety is back.

It hasn't lifted later in the day.

I'm so sad and discouraged. I know intellectually that I've come very far.Like most of us, Last year was a downhill spiral into hell. That was before I even knew I was addicted to zopiclone. Can't work, can't function.

Thought I'd steadily get better.

This trough is so hard.

Carol

 

 

[[...]]

Carol I am so sorry you are going through this.  Please don't give up hope, you are still rather early in the withdrawal process.  I had some serious depression at month 3 and 4.  Many people say they have this difficulty at 3, 6, 8 months.  Everyone is different.  I am at over 5 months and I can honestly say, each week has gotten better for me.

Take it day by day and know that there will be an end to this.  Did you have depression before?  This is so hard.

Skyy

[[Ca...]]

Thank you Skyy for your reply.

No I have never felt depressed until this last year.

I had no idea what a horrible debilitating, totally consuming thing this could be.

 

I know that I shouldn't complain. I have come so far already.

Last year I was totally a non person. I really didn't feel anything and was so far from reality and life that I if I died I wouldn't have cared. Since my very fast taper hell, I've started to be able to feel again. It started one day when I walked to the store. On the way home I realized that I was enjoying the sunshine. I will never forget that first moment of relief that maybe there was hope for me afterall.

 

But nevertheless, these waves SUCK! I feel awful again.

I am so thankful for this connection to people that understand me.

Thank you Skyy

carol

 

[[Ca...]]

Should I cry alone or post that I amhurting? This is so hard

[[St...]]

Carol,

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you are hurting. you've already been so helpful and supportive to me in the short time I've been on the site. Just know that there are lots of us here to support you and help you through. If I could send a hug from me to whereever you are, i would.

 

StanfordGal

[[Ca...]]

Thank you Stanford Gal,

I'll take the virtual hug. Thks

I guess I'm not alone.

[[...]]

Is it sunny where you are?  I find that even if I sit outside in the sun, without sunglasses for 20 min, it helps the depression.  Funny stuff on TV helps too.  I am sorry about this depression!  I would have several days in a row and then suddenly it would lift for a few days....

XO Skyy

[[Ca...]]

Skyy, Thanks.  I will try later to go out but... It's snowing again. NO WONDER I'M DEPRESSED!

I'm holding on the the belief that maybe later I will feel better.

PS

I updated my signature to include the trazodone I also was taking. I  don't know why I didn't include it originally. It is definitely not a benign substance.

 

One day at a time.

Love you all.

Carol

[[Al...]]

Should I cry alone or post that I amhurting? This is so hard......

 

Carol....no don't cry alone...yes post that you are hurting.  People really care here and will cry with you and then try to cheer you up.  And, oh my gosh, it's snowing where you are? Oh no...that IS depressing in April.  It's simply not fair!  I grew up in New England with gray skies and too long winter and know how annoying a cold spring is.  When I moved south, I was amazed by the sky simply because I was seeing more of it. Hope the sun shines on you soon!!!!!  Alice

[[Ch...]]

Hi Carol,

I just saw this...it's dated awhile back so I'm hoping you're feeling better now.

Challishttp://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/hug/hug-from-behind.gif

[[Ca...]]

Thanks Challis

 

Well I could just repost this thread almost everyday. You know. Somedays I find it easier to cope than others.

Just a few days ago I posted that "I had a day where I felt like me again. There are positives also.

I shared that feeling with my BB friends and some of them said that it gave them hope 

I am trying to talk to other (non benzo)people again.

A year of non functioning isolation has left me unsure and uncomfortable of putting myself back into life.

I have begun going to choir again most weeks although I sometimes can't sing but the accomplishment is just to get myself there.

So good things are also beginning to happen.

Thank you for becoming a moderator. Please believe that you are appreciated.

Fellow bb

Carol

[[Ch...]]

Hi Carol,

 

Glad to hear you're having good days, and that you're starting to get back into the swing of things again.  It takes awhile and a little internal pushing, I know.  I love it that you go to choir even if you can't sing...that shows a lot of character and determination.  And boy, do we need it to get through this!

 

Challis

[[Ch...]]

Stopping to say hi, Carol!

Challis http://i358.photobucket.com/albums/oo29/pigletmph/zadiffgrouphug.gif

   

 

[[Ca...]]

Thank you Challis. And how are you doing?

 

Did you see my post about golf? Doesnt seem to be any except me and bybymatrix.

And I've been posting about the 5 cm of snow we got here today.

That's a couple of inches.

 

I also like to check in on the other girls daily. Sometimes though I don't have a clue what they're talking about:) Truly.

I don't watch TV except golf and I have for therapy taped about 80 dog whisperer shows.

Truly great feel good stories.

I guardedly say that I had a few ok days. Not to get ahead of myself though.

 

It's 12 am here. I'm going to try to get to sleep a little earlier than the 4 am of last night.

I just love that I can yawn again after a whole year of never feeling tired at all.

Lifes becoming good again

 

Thanks for volunteering your time for this important job.

 

Carol

[[mp...]]

Dear Carol, are you still here?

 

I was just thinking how cute it was of you to "admit" you had read all the naughty posts on  Henryk's thread, was it yesterday?

 

How are you?

 

I really think I'm having a breakthrough. After one just awful day yesterday, I am really bouncing back in a major way. I was able to really laugh long and hard today. Even though I have much more serious sx that I am working on or hoping to improve, this really was the number one thing I was worried about, not getting back my sense of humour.

 

I just love to laugh!  :laugh: .

 

I caught a funny mistake earlier tonight. One of those fancy pictures was sent to one of the lovely gals here as a nice surprise. It looked like pretty flowers. The girl getting it "quoted" it back in a response with some loving words.  When I saw it I thought, how nice, how pretty. Then I looked closer. The picture of what I thought was flowers, was a baby sitting on decaying skulls!

 

I wrote to the nice girl saying, didn't she think the picture was a little disturbing, she replied that she had originally only seen it on her phone, she couldn't see the skulls. So, she deleted it.

 

This just struck me so funny. A baby sitting on skulls, and we were all thinking, isn't that sweet.  I have literally been laughing for an hour at the crazy, innocent mix-up. I told her I had to check to see if she was a fan of the netherworld. Oh my!  My mom called and we had to give up talking for the night because I just couldn't stop laughing!  If feels so good, I am so grateful.

 

M.

[[Ca...]]

M.

I'm so happy for you today:)

 

I was also so jncredibly sick last year that i believed I would die. Not joking.anyway, now 5 months out and I'm coming back to life also. You have been battling back longer than me and still suffering so much, I was worrying for you.

it's amazing just how precious a laugh can be to us.

I absolutely love the feeling of yawning now. It is rare but I yawn again.

Today though I was feeling dismay when I tried to do some work on "sibelius" a music

notation program. 15 minutes and my brain rebeled big time. It started wobbling and feeling thick. It took a couple of hours of doing nothing for it to stop again.

The damage is just under the surface ready to rear its head:(

 

anyway, other than that. A great day too:)

 

I can't believe that you went on a job interview. You are a strong woman.

I admire that in you.

I went to sleep way to late last night. 4 am. I'm going to tru to sleep now. Good night dear M

Carol

[[mp...]]

[[Ca...]]

back at you m

C

[[mp...]]

Carol dear,

I feel sweet Lizzie and I are vying for your attention, too bad we can't arrange to be seen all together.

 

You have such nice words about me, I'm not strong, I'm stubborn.

 

I also have very limited funds, so I HAVE to get a job in the next month.

 

I really think I am coming out of this. I am amazed at how fast the good stuff can come back, even if the bad stuff is still stickin' around. I know that doesn't seem to make sense, but it's how the thing is working for me.

 

I yawned for the first time in over a year last Sunday. I just knew it meant the real feelings of being actual tired would follow. It did and I enjoyed some very nice nights of sleep this last week. Waking up still a little terror filled, but much less.

 

I am laughing now starting earlier this evening. I did cry badly yesterday when it felt like I was having a break down. But "inside of myself" I knew I was really fine, it was just w/d, so I just hung on for the ride. The shade went up on the window late last night as I was typing a reply here, and I was back to feeling pretty good all day into night, into now.

 

How are you?

 

M.

 

about the brad photos, I first sent lizzie one she might like, I also think his best is Meet Joe Black, wow, stupid movie, gorgeous brad. anyway, she posted to someone that she was swooning over him in Legends, so I quickly sent her that one too, cause I'm so nice, nicer than her 

 

Lizzie, if you just read this, you better talk to me (how to you like threats?) 

[[St...]]

Carol and M

It's 7:30am where I am and I just caught up on this thread.

It's great to read that both of you see signs of improvement. You're two of my faves on these boards, so I like seeing good news.

M-that baby skulls story is so funny. Thx for sharing. Laughter is so important through this crap. Certainly keeps me going.

Carol-hope you got some sleep.

Lizzie-if you're looking here, I'll come visit your blog soon

[[mp...]]

Oh my goodness,

 

I just woke up, and I'm still laughing. Absolutely the only positive sx from w/d. I feel guilty that I love it.

 

I'm actually weak from laughter, I laughed in my sleep.

 

I slept. 

 

This has been M. checking in. Good wishes to all who pass this way. Calmness and light.

[[Ca...]]

Stanfordgal.

I really hoped that you would get off easier than some of us.

 

I have a fairly new to me symptom coming every few days.

Dizzyness. It makes me feel nauseaus. Why can't i spell that word:)

 

Super tired today.

C

[[Ca...]]

M. 

I'm so happy for you. Boy I know what you mean about yawning. It feels amazing:)

How could I ever have taken a yawn for granted?

 

About your strength....

Don't deny it. Accept that Carol knows best OK?

To get yourself out there  (not feeling your best shall we say) is a giant feat

regardless of why you must do this.

 

I'm thinking that a blog would be a place to meet. I don't know if it's poor self esteem or false humbleness (no such word but it's self explantory) that makes me reluctant to start my blog.

I know that I don't have to write my story to do this. I can just write a little at a time

But, would anybody want to read it??

I'm thinking that I'd title it "Carol bares all". You know how a catchy title can pique curiosity.

Also can't find the brain power to do much yet. The little that I have I conserve for chatting here.

 

The snow has almost melted today and it's promising to let Spring in soon.

Head ache today but little depression or anxiety.

Going to watch golf. Just vegeing

Hope you keep laughing M.

PS. It's not fair! Now that my appetite has returned, weight decided it wanted to accompany it.

I Have to start eating less sugar. Gotten addicted and my thighs are saying. "enough"

It's shorts weather soon!

Talk soon

 

C

[[St...]]

Carol-

Sorry about the dizziness. I had it really bad during first two weeks of my taper...really throws you off. Hope it doesn't linger!

So glad to hear Spring is trying to push through. I've definitely found that the sunshine has motivated me to get out and has lifted my mood.

I am starting to believe that I may, in fact, be one of the luckier ones. Even with the return of some s/x this morning, I've decided it's not even a wave or a mini-wave, more like a micro-wave, as the s/x are less intense. I'm actually feeling quite guilty since there's still so many suffering so much. I'm trying to float around where I can to send some support and good wishes...and definitely hoping my "wave" maintains it's micro proportions.

Off to first if the kids' back to back football games....

[[St...]]

Almost forgot...I'd love to read your blog if you do choose to start one!